I started to hate the church's impositions on my time and the defenselessness I felt whenever asked or assigned to do something. I felt under constant summons to do someone else's bidding.

What dawned finally on me was that I had things that I wanted to do with my life beyond being a toady to do largely empty, meaningless busywork. I wanted to develop my own interests, things I wanted to study and investigate outside the church's thought-crime parameters. The things one could officially be interested in regarding the church were limited and circumscribed, censored and diluted.

I was also shocked at the obscene amounts of cash I saw going through (and not into) the ward each Sunday. I saw one check for almost a half a million dollars and I felt a twinge of class consciousness, concern for the struggling people in the ward who would have been so "blessed" by an anonymous cash gift that would have represented a small percentage of the half million.

I partly owed my disenchantment to callings that made too many demands on my time: Exec. Secretary, EQ Pres., and Ward Clerk. I went to too many Bishopric meetings with way too much information about people in the ward (and was exposed too much to leaders' candid opinions about people in the ward).

my husband and i were being emotionally and spiritually abused by sp for months. googled how to stay mormon. heard what john dehlin had to say. googled all of the issues he mentioned. we have never been back. i am so glad the sp was beating up on both of us! my husband and i have really bonded over this issue. Amazingly in a years time we have not had one single phone call, note, or visit. i think the sp has put the word out to leave us alone. He doesn't want us telling our story to anyone. Makes him look like the crazy nazi he is. We have so much free time! And money! woohoo

********* Google **********

Anger!

The thing that finally started the ball rolling was unexpectedly finding myself pregnant with our fifth child. Who wants to be a baby making factory? Having children is great BUT not if that's the only you do in your life. Our oldest was almost 17 when our baby was born and our youngest child at the time was 8. I realized the I was letting old white guys in suits control my very personal life from some plush chairs 20 stories up in the Church Office Building in far away Salt Lake City. They didn't have anything to loss making up all of the rules for everyone else to live by. I was the one who would have 35 years of active parenting with no life to call my own. I was angry!! That anger propelled me into a new life where I went back to school and finished two degrees, shared the parenting more with my husband who was established in his career, and started my own business. I'm a much happier person now!!

Just before I went on my mission, the Book of Abraham papyri were found. Everyone was like, "A-HA! Take that, you non-believers!" But the victory was hollow and short-lived. When it became obvious that there was no text about Abraham and that similar scrolls were buried with all the mummies, the church just said that obviously they didn't find all the scrolls, and put the things in a drawer somewhere. I was pretty hurt, but I "turned it off," as a good Mormon would. Thereafter, I never taught or read from the PoGP, but I went on my mission, got married, and raised my family in Mormonism. Eventually it occurred to me that the BoM was made up crap, and I began to never read or quote from it. I'm surprised no one noticed. All my talks in church became about Jebus and the atonement. Now I don't believe in that, either.

But Scientology sounds pretty true, don't it?

The utter inability to wrap my mind around the idea that, as a matter of fact, God was really a god, with a body of flesh and bone, and lived somewhere near someplace called Kolob.

What's more, if God really were a god with a body of flesh and bone, then I'd have no problem not worshipping him as a god. If he existed, the *He* might exist, I reasoned.

Not being capable of believing in the Mormon conception of god as a physical being made it easier for me to study "the church". I found plenty of other things in 'The History of the Church' and 'The Journal of Discourses' that backed up my contention that even if "the church is true", it wasn't a good church.

Above all, I believe in the Good.

"Is there anything inside of the Mormon church that is unique and can't be found elsewhere?"

As everyone here knows very well, I love to debate and to argue. One night, in an argument about religion, a friend asked me that question.

I spent about two weeks on the answer. What I figured out is that instead of there being some unique aspect to Mormonism, there were many good things that could be found elsewhere for less guilt, less anguish and more rationality.

This served as an exit from Mormonism and from Christianity.

The sight of my first morning wood.

Sadly it took me turning 30 and still being single to finally realize that the plan the Church had laid out for me was not going to work for me. Knowing that their plan wasn't working for me then got me questioning everything about the Church. It wasn't long after that before I was totally done.

I went through the repentance process and realized that the Mormons Church teaches that you are saved by grace for eternal life but exaltation to the CK is contingent on your works plus a secret handshake.

Then I realized that since we're all imperfect humans no one is ever going to Mormon Heaven.

A third of a century ago (almost exactly) I was sitting in Priesthood meeting when a thought struck me with great power and insight: "this is all baloney."

At that point I knew the Church was bogus.

It even started in the MTC. I was clean, obedient going into the MTC, I was more dedicated than the others, doing more, learning more, etc. I did everything precisely as I'd been instructed and then some. But the other elders (almost simultaneously) raved about the missionary spirit that was sweeping the lot of them. I thought Great! but this spirit never swept me up too. I'd felt what we considered the spirit many times before the mission, so I basically knew what to expect.

But I felt nothing, plain emptiness. I found it very, very strange and felt like something was seriously wrong. I knew absolutely that it wasn't me not being valiant enough, that was not an issue. I didn't consciously say it to myself at the time, but on an emotional level I knew there was something wrong with the Mormon system itself. I was bothered by the things taught in the MTC. A few memorized scrips and a whole lot of blubbering about feelings, even straight up fibbing. I was even chastised for being too much of a "teacher."

This continued in the mission field. As of day 1 I did not feel like these people needed my religion at all. I loved talking to people, even tracting since it made for interesting experiences. But I hated doing the sit down "discussions" and I REALLY hated baptizing people. It just felt sick. I became emotionally numb to the religion and began taking it lightly.

I heard lots of criticism of my church, like "You're not Christian, you believe you can work your way into heaven and you believe Jesus and Satan were brothers!" So what? I thought. Yes, of course we believe in a different Christ, that's what we're here to tell you.

But then I encountered the Book of Abraham problem. I can't remember how or why I knew the problem held water, but that was the first time I consciously said to myself that there was some shamelessly bogus stuff. I thought something like "I knew it, Brother Joseph was flying by the seat of his pants all along."

I shelved that for a while and enjoyed the companions, the members and their often wonderful dinners, and especially the perspectives of the "Gentiles" in Oregon.

But then after being out for about 15 months, there was a televised priesthood portion of GC. ELder Ballard was talking to the missionaries directly. He said "remember elders when you get home, you are released from your mission, not released from the church." Bingo!!! I considered myself hereby released from any allegiance to their authority, and fully intended to abandon the church upon arriving home. He not only gave precedent that there were in fact RM's who were "releasing themselves," but showed himself to be somewhat of a tyrant by being so presumptuous as to tell me what to do with my life. It was a very controlling statement and it was then that I decided enough was enough.

After getting home I still attended, since I wanted to milk the RM status and snag a babe to wed. I deserved it, I gave them two dedicated years and significant preparation time before then. I did what I wanted to otherwise: party, keep my money, even taught Sunday School high. It was a fun time since I was guilt-free. I was having my cake and eating it too.

After being with my (now) wife for some time, we both abandoned the religion. It wasn't until it became necessary to "come out" to family that I discovered how deep the rabbit hole went. They treated me so horribly, crossed so many boundaries, that I had to seek out other post-mormons online to see their ideas on how to handle it. Having so much information at my disposal I realized that TSCC was not only a bad fit for me, but a great evil that had ensnared most of the people I cared about. I realized this with equal parts humor, sadness and fascination that has not diminished over the eight or so years since absconding.

Sorry for the length. HAve a good week everyone!

When a counselor told me that church leaders arent speaking directly for god. They were just men. And she kept looking at me until i acknowledged she was right. Then i didn't have to do everything they said. That was the first big chip in my 'armour of righteousness'.

Around the same time was the realization that i didn't want to end up like any of the 'older' people i knew- the ones who'd been in the church longer than i had and should now be showing the results of 40 or more years of following God's Express Program For a Happy Fulfilled Earth Life. Most of them weren't. They were just normally happy (or unhappy) angry, depressed or whatever. No great spiritual giants.

I realized too, that i didn't want to be in a heaven with some of the righteous people in history either: Hate the abraham/ issac story. Wouldn't want to have to hang out with him. DIdn't know Daniel, Paul, Joseph Smith, either. Would rather hang with people i knew, or just by myself in outer darkness than to scrape into the celestial kingdom and be stuck with people i didn't know or care about. Certainly didn't want to be there with my parents, either. Blah.Still don't.

I was a fringe member for 6 or more years.

Then google took me to an ex-mormon (not anti-mormon because that would be WRONG) site and i read it and found that the BOOK OF MORMON, THE KEYSTONE OF THE RELIGION, UPON WHICH ALL OF MORMONDUMB STOOD WAS WRONG.

bye, fake religion. Not too long after: bye all religion.

I post it because I think it makes a point. Growing up, my parents were good people but not in a family way. Our family wasn't a warm, close, happy, enjoy each other's company type. We were more like four roommates, each with their own lives. When Mormonism came along with it's "ideal family" mantra, I bought into it hook, line and sinker. Of course, I was only 12 but here was the answer. The family I always wanted. Here was a way to get what was missing in my life - a loving family. All I had to do was be the perfect Molly Mormon in high school, go to BYU, marry an RM in the temple at 19 or 20 and shazaam!

Of course, my carefully buried subconscious (the real me) liked granola-cruncher, save-the-planet, hippie wannabe boys with ponytails. It sabotaged all my Mormon relationships. The Peter Priesthoods at BYU were so very dull - but they were the key to my happiness apparently so I kept trying. I went on a mission - maybe that would bring Mr. Right to me. I patiently wasted most of my 20s waiting for the Lord to intervene. Finally, I met a guy who seemed to have what I was looking for and married him really fast before I chickened out again. I didn't know he had ADD. I didn't understand his family situation. I didn't know too many vital things. But he was an RM and we got married in the temple. Next thing I knew, I was stressed out and miserable and having babies. I wasn't working, so I was broke and living off savings mostly. Everyone was too busy with their own lives to even notice how horrible mine was. Finally, the ADD was diagnosed and DH finished school (he'd gone back to school because he didn't like his career). Things got better but I still felt SO ripped off. I'd done EVERYTHING Mormonism said would guarantee me that perfect family and I was in a very dark place in my life instead. No matter how hard I worked, that perfect family always seemed out of my reach. But I couldn't believe it so I kept working harder and harder ala Julie Beck.

Then, I met this guy. We were never more than just friends but he was the kind of guy I should have married. The kind of guy I would have married if I'd decided for myself instead of letting my church decide for me. He was unhappily married too, at that time, but never thought of leaving her. I wouldn't have wanted him to, since I'm big on loyalty and since it never got that far anyway. But it was a huge wake up call. NOTHING I did in Mormonism would ever get me what I was desperately searching for...that ideal Mormon family. It was all a sham. It was forever out of my reach and there was nothing I could do about it. G-od that was a depressing, depressing time in my life. I had moments where I literally was on my knees, not to pray but because standing was too much work. This guy moved away and I hear he and his wife are really happy now. I'm glad for him.

And I'm glad for me too because that is what snapped my hold on Mormonism. When I realized it couldn't get me where I wanted to be. I think a lot of truly blind Mormons are blind because their deepest needs override their logic and common sense. Like a starving man who knows that he shouldn't binge eat after starving for so long. But he does it anyway and dies. I was starving for something for too long to be willing to listen to common sense. I was so sure I knew where to get food I didn't care what anyone said. Then I realized that it wasn't forthcoming and was willing to listen to alternatives. But until I dealt with my needs, I couldn't deal with thinking straight.

Once I had opened my mind, it was just a very short matter of time before I "accidentally" Googled into the truth about the church. Had I done it a year earlier, I would never have listened. But because something broke the spell the church had on me, I was receptive to the Google God's message and lived happily ever after.

Oh, at that husband of mine? Turns out, he has a lot more of what I wanted in a husband once I became an ex-Mormon than when I was trying to make a Peter Priesthood out of him. We are so much happier nowadays because we deal with each other and keep the church out of it. Guess I didn't override my subconscious completely, thank Google!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2011 12:16AM by CA girl.

Good for you CA girl - thanks for sharing

NEVER had, and that ALONE was a sign that something was wrong.

The unanswered promises and prayers finally added up.

And I decided to stop asking what was wrong with ME, and start asking if there was something wrong with my beliefs. Or what was wrong with a God that would require everything from his servants and not even keep His promises or answer prayers.

I went to BYU Provo for only 1 semester (but lived in Provo for a year). At my work everyone had to take turns working on Sunday. Looking back I think that's when the first "seed" sprouted for me. I ENJOYED working on Sundays. It amazed me how much better I felt working instead of going to church. I didn't miss church AT ALL. I skipped church a couple times as well (saying I didn't feel good) but I didn't do it very often.

I was also taking a BYU church history class that brought up so many questions. Of course I stuck all my questions and doubts on a shelf and tried forgetting about them. During this time I was actually very distracted since I had just met a nevermo who eventually became my husband. I think I had been married to him for a year (I stopped going to church when I married him but was still very "mormon" at this point) before I finally remembered some things I'd been taught in my history class. I researched more online about the church's history and was very much surprised.

It was strange finding out the church wasn't true because *of course it is the true church*. I didn't want it to be true but I couldn't wrap my mind around the chance that it wasn't true. So when I found out it was in fact, NOT true, with no doubt at all, I was very much relieved :)

That marrying too young and having children before I was ready made me miserable (duh). After beating myself up for years, thinking there was something wrong wiith me that the Lord's plan wasn't making me happy like I was promised. Woke me up. Maybe it wasn't me that was the problem.

Then Prop 8 gave me the strength to walk out.

Just one of the things that did it for me is the teaching that very few would go to the celestial kingdom. What are all the people working for if they can't go to the celestial kingdom? I suppose that only those who have had their calling and election made sure are going to the celestial kingdom and that just pisses me off. I know a lot of people that are just as righteous as they are. I remember a talk by some body where a man came in to plead for his friend or family member and the GA said the mans fingers were tobacco stained and he thought he could judge the person better that the GA who didn't even know the man. The man was dismissed because he had tobacco stains on his fingers. This made him unworthy to speak up for his friend. FUCK THE MORMON CHURCH!!!!! I don't hate the people, but I damn sure hate the church. How many lies does it take to wake us up, myself included. It took 30 years for me to wake up. Damn, what a nightmare!