Satisfying a need to vent:

The word is out and evidently mom is mad...

When I first stopped going to church 10 years ago she didn't speak to me for 6 weeks. I called just like I normally would, left messages etc. My sister finally got involved (because she thought mom was being childish). Finally, one day she answered when I called and acted like nothing had happened.Things have relative been peaceful. Occassional minor church conflicts (she is always the one to bring it up first. Out of respect I don't go there unless provoked). Life goes on.

When I decided to resign it was because the church continued to contact my minor daughter. I explain to dear ole mom the situation and told her I was sending in the resignation (didn't want her to hear it first through the LDS grapevine).I could tell she didn't like it but seemed to be handling the news ok but she did say in ear shot of my BIL that she thought I had been "very rude" to the little boy with the brownies and that "I didn't raise her that way." (Which is true.She raised me to be quiet and meek and let others walk all over me).

Everything was fine until the resignation went through (maybe she had hoped I wasn't really going to do it) and now she is in her non communication mode once again. Trying to call her-no answer, no calls back etc.

Laughingly, I had told my neighbor I probably would never see my brother and SIL anymore either as I believe they were my assigned VT/HT. I became a widow last year and still have young children at home. NEVER once have they asked how they can help me out (they live within a mile of me). Yet, once a month they show up to visit and ask how I am doing. I tell them I am busy with work, running kids places, keeping up house. Quote from my brother last time, "so, being a single mom is hard." Duhhh. But guess what? Not one offer to help.

I do have many supportive friends and neighbors that do help and ask what they can do.If I need to ask them to do something I know they do it with no strings attached. Guess what? Not one is mormon- you know that true church that preaches "families are forever?" What a joke.

Mom will get over it eventually and dear brother will no longer feel obligated to visit. We will see each other over the holidays and everone will act like everything is fine. And so it goes...Life goes on.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/05/2011 09:54AM by ladybug.

Your family are being assholes.

Mine are too. Mine are still adjusting to the news, like yours. It interesting to me what their reactions reveal about them.

Had to laugh at your choice of words "adjusting to the news." Sounds like they just found out we murdered the next door neighbor.

Your mother doesn't seem to realize that you're an adult and no longer dependent on her for survival.

Be strong.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/05/2011 12:39PM by Cheryl.

Families Are Forever.... a pain in the ass. :)

Hang in there!

Ron

LOL! +1

ladybug Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> <SNIP> Finally, one day she
> answered when I called and acted like nothing had
> happened.

><SNIP> We will
> see each other over the holidays and everone will
> act like everything is fine.

Hey ladybug, ziller wonders if we have the same family.

And what is it with Mormons and their enormous living rooms?

You know – like big enough for two or three elephants to sit in.

ziller

(3rd person in Zillers honor) jon1 suggests to leave one more message on Moms machine to let her know this is the last one until she grows up and calls Ladybug back. Now Ladybug is ingnoring ladybug's Mom, and Ladybugs's mom no longer has power in the relationship.

I think I will do just that. When I stopped going to church years ago I was trying to show her I was the same person I always was. But now, I just think, "played this game before. Not interested in playing again.

Good tactic.


However... If I maintain radio silence too long, my mom starts emailing me passive aggressive crap and then acts all hurt and innocent if I call her on it.

Because see, I turned into the bad guy. She was righteously punishing me, how dare I insist on being treated like a human being with dignity. I should take her crapola and LIKE it, because she views me as fallen.

I am now part of "them". I am not "us" anymore, mormon like her.


I wonder how your mom will react. Maybe she's actually sane and can acknowledge her behavior, unlike mine -- spin city.

THey have to be big,
else how can people claim to be valient in
avoiding all those elephants?

This is how I explain some of the member's behavior.
Personal rejection and betrayal.

Some LDS folks, not all, of course, exclude family members from the rest of the family when they leave their familial, traditional religion aka Tribe.

Leaving the LDS Church is, for some remaining members, very difficult.Some believing family members take it very hard and do not adjust easily or well. Some take it as an all inclusive rejection and betrayal of the Eternal Family are sure they did something terribly wrong that they will be held accountable for in the after life, etc. Some never get over it.

All they need to do is live their own religious beliefs, starting with the 11th Article of Faith:
We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.


Usually, people can't stay mad forever!:-) Members often just need a cooling off period so they can adjust to the loss of their control over their expectations of the Eternal Family.
I like to remind them that even in their own beliefs, Heavenly Father lost 1/3 of his children to Lucifer! :-)
Win some - lose some! :-)

I think, in addition to what Susie stated, a family member leaving often reminds the tribe that just maybe, the church isn't true. That they could be wrong....

ladybug Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I think, in addition to what Susie stated, a
> family member leaving often reminds the tribe that
> just maybe, the church isn't true. That they could
> be wrong....


You have a good point, especially if someone has some doubts about the claims, then they are torn. There is always someone to shore up the believers as it's cultural ties are so strong.

I find it helpful to remember that the Mormon cult tries to keep its members in a child-like state. Take a hard look at your mother: she is behaving like a child.

So, go ahead and treat her like a child! This means a lot of giving, on your part, I know, but you will reach a point of peace. Be patient with her. Always bear in mind that she is BRAINWASHED. Don't debate with her, because, like a child, she will dig in her heels. The only way to get her to open her mind, is to appeal to her childish self-centeredness. This is about HER eternal family, HER disappointment as a mother, etc. Stay in her narrow frame of reference: tell her that God will make everything right in the next life, that your family will be able to do their work for the dead on YOU (they'll do that anyway), that there is an opportunity to learn in Paradise, and Susie Q's suggestion of quoting Art 11. Your mother will never escape her little cult prison, so you must be the one to visit her within the walls.

This does not mean that you ever have to go against the truth. When my relatives bring up Mormonism, or ask me a religious question, I smile, and say nothing. If they persist, I say something like, "We're here to eat dinner/have a party/visit with the grandkids--so let's not talk about religion or the economy." To me, this seems like a reasonable request--to keep cheerful in general, to relate to each other in a positive way, to (gasp) ENJOY EACH OTHER in the here and now.

Letting the cult break up our relationships,is like letting the cult win. Keep the attitude that religion irrelevant in your relationships! You would love your mother if she were Atheist, Catholic, or anything else. It is her rude, immature behavior you don't like--so don't give her a chance to practice it.

You contact her anyway. Ignore her tantrums, like your would a child. Ignore her "silent treatment" and regard that as a welcome break from her.

Read "Between Parent and Teen-ager" "Between Parent and Child" and "Assertiveness Training for Women." The first two books help us in dealing with child-like behavior. All these books give us examples of dialogs to follow, to diffuse tantrums, take back your personal power, and set boundaries with people who are being unreasonable, like your mother.

The Morg is a pro-family church and Fox News is fair and balanced.

You say your mother “…raised me to be quiet and meek and let others walk all over me.” She did this because she was raised the same way.

I read somewhere, “Parents unwittingly do not allow their children to develop greater self-esteem than they themselves have." Part of your mother’s difficulty with you is her discomfort as she realizes that you have the courage of your convictions where she does not. It would be too frightening to her to even think about stepping out of the Mormon mold.

All you can do is to be kind to her (as you are already doing) while maintaining boundaries; and begin to accept that she may not be capable of offering you the unconditional motherly love that you (and any child!) would have liked to have had.

Wiser woman,
My mother was raised by an interesting woman. My grandmother had her own very sucessful business back in the 50s and 60s. That was of course very unusal-she definately was not the norm.

However, she was very critical to her husband and children and I know my mother sought her approvel until she was in her 60s. She only stopped then because her mother died.

My grandmothers favorite passive agressive move was to cut off contact and not talk to my mom whenever she was mad about something. My mom hated it---yet here she is doing the same thing...

Good points Forest and the rest---Thank you

"My mom hated it---yet here she is doing the same thing..." Unfortunately, this happens a lot in families; things get passed down to the next generation unless some family member catches on to what is happening and makes a new choice.

The good news is that YOU are the one in the family breaking the cycle! You are standing up for the right to determine your own choices in life. Your family probably cannot appreciate this right now, but you are paving the way for others in your family to break out of the mold as well.

Sure glad I married a Catholic....no issues here...we just don't go to church, period....

That is terrible that no family member offered to help you. It is the offer that shows kindness - not that you would accept. I feel sorry for them. To be so cold. So over the holidays they won't go into the Mormon thing at all??? if you would go to a different church - let's say a Christmas Eve. service would you bring it up? It would give you something to throw back at them. Anyhow, I hope you are doing well. Sure must be hard with kids still to raise.

Honestone- if I attended a different service I would not bring it up unless they started talking about meetings. Then I might interject with what my meeting was about too.

The only thing about the holidays that they do "mormon" is when the dinner prayers are said. My brother being the oldest priesthood holder is generally asked. They are lengthy and very mormon like (sure nephews temple married this year will be mentioned as a blessing). Other discussions are usually about callings etc (partly because they don't have much else to talk about) and so I am not part of those. I do have 1 sister that hasn't attended for about 25 years (quit as a teen). So out of about 35 family members me and her and her husband and our kids are the only resigned/inactive members.

Course my brother brags that all 4 of his kids are married to members and active: Daughter # 1 married a BIC, RM, college educated guy who cheated on his wife with another member of the church. He later got fired from a job due to sexual harassment.He was exed but now rebaptised.

Son # 1 was just married in the temple after 13 years of marriage to a BIC girl. They have had a lot of struggles due to her emotional problems and his difficulties holding a job and use of drugs and alcohol.He told me recently he feels like he was emotionally neglected growing up cause his parent always seemed so disengaged from the kids.

Other 3 kids all married to guys who joined before they got married.Drama there too but minor considering.

But hey everything is wonderful. Brags about his kids etc.I only know some of the above because nephew told me. He thought I already knew.Come to find out everyone did know except my inactive sis and I (and our familes). LOL! Trying to hide the good life I guess!

Oh, yeah and they did make me a couple of offers: They offerred to hold a fast for our family.And niece #1 above suggested I let my brother give me a priesthood blessing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Luckily with 30-40 people at gatherings there are various "levels" of mormonisms. So, can always find fun extended family members to hang out with...

Thanks for letting me vent!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/06/2011 08:37AM by ladybug.

I actually had a visit from my in-laws about a month ago. I thought they were coming over just to see us and the kids, but I later realized it was something else. I had voiced some concerns about church doctrine and mormon culture to them a while ago, but I thought they were "real" enough to just listen and not assume anything else. I guess I was wrong.

The visit felt like a home/visiting teaching appointment where my wife (their daughter) and I were the targets. I felt totally dissed because I placed a lot of faith in them to be real and nonjudgmental. I've put up new barriers and don't allow myself to share honestly with them anymore because of what I consider a breach of trust.

It blows me away when your own family treats you as nothing more than a "project". I should expect more from them as I have never judged, ridiculed, or pity-partied them for the life they live (even though they aren't even close with their own kids and devote SO much time to church and their callings) and pretend is fulfilling. If family cannot support your decision (like resignation), then they aren't really worthy of you in their life anyway. I've met a lot of selfish people within the church masquerading as benevolent people. And it's almost too sad to say that most of those people are within my own family. Don't let their selfishness affect your happiness.

Well, if your brother and SIL actually offered to help, then they would be supporting your sin of not being married and obedient to a righteous priesthood holder. He specifically said that to point out to you how much easier your life would be if you just got with the program, repented, came back to church, and found a nice step-dad for your children. If they offered to help you, then you would have no motivation to remarry. They are trying to "encourage" you to make sure there's a man in the house to take care of things. Because you're a weak and helpless woman.

'Son # 1 was just married in the temple after 13 years of marriage to a BIC girl. They have had a lot of struggles due to her emotional problems and his difficulties holding a job and use of drugs and alcohol.He told me recently he feels like he was emotionally neglected growing up cause his parent always seemed so disengaged from the kids.'

As one who knows the happy couple mentioned above, let me add that the description of these two individuals does not do the disfuction justice. Both individuals have severe problems many of which are compounded by their involvement in mormonism. Let's just say that they are a match made in Mormon heaven. :)

Right and I didn't even mention the jail time etc. It would take a new topic to cover all the disfunction. YET, he and his dad (my bother) continue to tell my son who is the same age how to live his life--Last time my son pretty much told them to get over themselves...