I think this letter was pretty blatant. My mother is usually pretty covert, but this is getting more overt than usual.

I just had a hemithyroidectomy on Monday. Neck surgery.
I tasked my husband with calling my parents when I was recovering, and he did so and told me it was awkward as usual.
I have posted a couple pictures on facebook and am not talking much, my voice is hoarse from having the nerve in my neck bothered by the surgery. So I have not talked to my parents since Monday, but they have seen pictures and small updates. Today I got this email from my mother:

"I was having chest pains on Monday, and scared myself by reviewing the symptoms of heart attack, although I had none others on the list. Debated driving in to the clinic, but didn't. Good thing, too, or I'd have missed (husband)'s call. Realized later it was asthma kicking in at the tail end of my cold, like it'll often do. But never quite like that before.

After getting the diagnosis of osteoporosis, and connecting in an "oh no" moment with the side effects of my asthma medication (may contribute to bone loss) I had cut my daily medication in half. So this is the result. In the future, when i catch a cold, I'll double back up on the medication and see if that helps.

Anyway, just a trivial thing in the end.

I saw your new facebook profile photo. Zombie time! At least the expression on your face seems to hold a lot more life in it than the hospital shot! How's recovery going?"

This embodies the pattern of medical neglect I went through my whole life. If I hurt something, my mother would hurt something worse or just you know, have her period which was worse than a lot of things.

Oh look, it was almost a heart attack! With the casual "how's it going" tacked onto the end. (The zombie reference is to what I'm doing for Halloween, it seemed too obvious not to draw a little fake blood underneath a fresh neck wound.)


I'm just rolling my eyes at this email, instead of crying about it. I've come a long way in getting some distance from the reactions she wants.


Do you have narcissistic parents? Manipulative parents? Have your real problems been dismissed because you don't deserve to be the center of attention?

(I swear to god if SusieQ comes in here and tells me it isn't a mormon problem I will lose my shit! In other words, your input is not welcome, Susie! And anyone else who wants to join that bandwagon.
This isn't specifically about mormons. My mother happens to be mormon. If you think telling me this happens to all kinds of people who aren't mormon is good advice, then you missed my whole point.)

First, hope you get better soon!

Second are you sure we don't have the same mother???


And last, if you haven't read it already, i recommend a book called Children of the Self Absorbed. It is so validating.

I almost nothing to add; thank you...

I will, however, agree with your assessment of a certain poster; I'm getting some real laughs from my very small circle of e-buddies for a nickname I came up with...

If you've got a "throw-away" e-mail (I don't have one) I can send it to, I'll share it with you...

SLC
Being obtuse and pissive-aggressive, I know...
But hey, I had a dream I was being baptized last night (honest!)
I'm not sure if that one wasn't worse than ones where I've been drinking whisky

SL Cabbie Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If you've got a "throw-away" e-mail (I don't have
> one) I can send it to, I'll share it with you...
>

I'm game --quothpam@gmail.com

Please use 4presto@gmail, this thread looks about dead...


Sharklasers!!! Awesome!



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 10/23/2011 09:55AM by WinksWinks.

I have a TBM sister just like this. She'll talk endlessly about her job, her annoying co-workers, etc. in microscopic, excruciating detail. When someone inevitably interrupts to talk about their life, she'll immediately tune out and have something better to do. If she's held captive at a restaurant table, she'll start looking around the room and her eyes will get this glazed-over "why are we discussing you, when clearly, you are boring me" look. She has no ability to put herself in another's shoes...just totally and absolutely incapable of it. She often forgets important birthdates and anniversaries. If anyone forgets hers, she is "deeply hurt". It makes it worse that she's the only TBM in my immediate family, who is for sure going to the CK while we will go to the empty place. My parents are the opposite of her--loving, caring interested in others. Thank god we aren't going to the CK with her.

empty place? it can't b too empty. we'll all b there. LOL

Yeah, and I bet it'll be a place where people laugh loudly and irreverently.

Hope you recover quickly.

Am I crazy, or does all of the temple work, etc. seem really self centered? It's all about getting YOU into the CK. No one seems to do general good deeds because it's the right thing to do (well OK, maybe some of them do)...it seems it's all done so that YOU can make it to the highest level. In the purest sense of "giving of ones self", it seems that none of these self-serving acts would qualify at the pearly gates because the motives seem so self-centered. What a waste of time, dollars and energy.

Website for your research on narcissism. http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/



I am sorry about your health chalenges.....hope you recover without complications and stay healthy.

I lived with a spouse 18yrs. who has NPD and it is not a healthy way to function. My therapist uses a phrase, "unavoidable harm" to describe the results of managing a relationship with these types of personalities.

Hope you find something helpful on the website.

Already been there for a while now, thanks.
I did hear about that place on this board a while back, if you were the original poster who suggested it, thanks! :)

Sending warm thoughts your way. I hope that you make a good recovery.

I'm familiar with behavior like that. The other person just can never let you have the spotlight. It's sad. I'm sorry that you have to put up with it.

I don't even want the spotlight! I knew about the thing in my neck for months and had a biopsy and was proceeding to surgery without telling any family.
But hubs thought it would be good to tell them, after all it is surgery. If they didn't know I was having it and something went wrong, etc, etc. So I told them about two weeks before it happened. :( This is the result, and why I didn't even want to go there.

Mormon woman breed to show god they're worthy. Your mother, and mine only care about their off spring to show other Mormons how worthy They are. It really is all about them!

I admit almost falling into this line of thinking with my children. It came from a long pattern of too many children to care for. Once I knew why I was raised this way, you I was able to change.

You might be able to talk to your mother. If not, you can set boundaries. She might notice you are a better mother...someday, or not, but whatever happens, she is in a pattern that is hurting her relationship with her children in order to please the cult.

I'm not perpetuating the pattern. And I am confused by "She might notice you are a better mother..."

I am setting boundaries, because a long time ago, she began to look at me the way she used to reserve for dealing with the "fallen masses", or non mormons, outsiders. She doesn't consider my opinion worthy of consideration, so I know there's really no way to break through to her.

She's just not as covert about it as she used to be. Last time she was here at my house, she tried to tell me about "reverse psychology" to get my hubs to do things I want.
Rather than, you know, have an adult discussion where I put out my wishes for consideration. She would rather use trickery to get what she wants.

So, boundaries.

Oh LOL no kids for me. I don't get along well enough with people to want to be responsible for bringing new people into the world.
I wouldn't want her influence on any child of mine either. I'm sad my sister's kids are stuck in the church and in such a dysfunctional family dynamic via her and my sister.

Oops.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/22/2011 05:21PM by WinksWinks.

I hope you recover quickly from your surgery. I'm sad to hear you got such an inconsiderate letter from your mother.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/22/2011 04:43PM by silverlightx.

instead of "oneupmanship." A (fortunately former) coworker used to drive me wild. I once had a pain in my side that I was getting worried about, and her response was typical: "Oh, I know! My irritable bowel has been so bad lately," and she was off on a monologue. No one else in the office was allowed to have any problems, hers were always much worse.

Hope you feel better soon!

Sorry your mom feels the need to compete with you when you need support. It is dismissive and crazy-making.

Thank you all for the well wishes!
It has been numb near the incision but today I think there is some nerve growth going on, it is itchy. Mmm healing!
I had a skilled surgeon, this has been quite minimally uncomfortable. Going well so far.

I hope you recover quickly and completely, WinksWinks. It is hard to be ill. I am sorry about your mom...that has got to be hard.

My email is familyfirstnotcult@gmail.com