Hello fellow exmormon.org followers,

It has been uncounted days/months since my last board post.

I've been working with my counselor (a cognitive behavioral therapist) to find what is right with life and to embrace it. Of all my unhealthy coping mechanisms, JUDGING seems like one of the hardest ones to break.

Like many TBMs, I grew up in strict family and church environments where JUDGING was the norm. After church meetings my mother would become severely depressed and say things like: "when will MY HUSBAND be called as bishop?" and "why don't MY CHILDREN bear their testimonies in Sacrament Meeting?" My father tends to make himself a victim by feeling sorry for himself and blaming everyone around him for his unhappiness.

I find myself following those same patterns of undermining my accomplishments and wishing that I had been given more assistance. It's unfortunate that these patterns are so easily passed from previous generations. But I wish to change that.

Today I am an Anthropology student, following my heart's desire to embrace diversity. Reducing my tendency to JUDGE will allow me to better love myself and my fellow human beings.

Peace

Especially since the capacity for judging people, places, situations, etc., is something that has evolved as a survival trait for humans.

I think the trick is to not apply the judging instinct in the family and social circumstances you decsribe in your O/P. Even so, there might be times when it is entirely appropriate to judge others and/or yourself. The trick is knowing when those times are.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/21/2011 01:16PM by helamonster.

I agree, Helamonster. Impressions I get from others have sometimes protected me from getting involved in actions I would regret. However, I seem to take it to extremes. My thoughts about others can be downright mean. And I am even meaner to myself. Learning to treat myself kindly falls into the "Combat Judgment" piece. I can't expect myself to do well at life when I am constantly putting myself down.

should be to forgive yourself for being judgmental? Just a thought.

:o)

Judgment is a knee-jerk reaction. But precisely because it it, it's obvious that judgment is a case of letting the past determine my future. All judgments are the past: they are the result of past learning and so they block me from new thinking and insights. They are old baggage.

Someone could say, 'But didn't I learn important things in the past?' Probably...but why stop at those things? Why say "I've arrived" and stop in mid-lane on the road?

The other thing I remember, is that every time I judge another, I am judging myself. I am seeing that other person in terms of my own (past) biases...and passing judgment in terms of those biases--in effect, I am judging those biases. The things that I let irritate me define "me" as something that is limited and controlled by those things (they serve to determine my identity). And they show me that I carry around 'irritability' inside of me. Not a nice look in the mirror.

People think that judgment raises them above others, but it actually means that their attitudes are controlled by others.

That is an excellent way of putting it. Thank you for sharing that. Judgment is sort of like a "default mode" because it is so easy to do. And what has been judged in the past does not matter because right now in the present (the only moment I have control over) I get to choose how to define the meaning of things/events.

Somebody's wearing tan socks with black shoes? Not a big deal.

Someone's screaming and berating a counter clerk for something he or she has no control over? It's ok to think that person is likely an asshole.

You have taken the first step to taking control of your mind state, i.e., your own happiness. You have recognized that the habit of judging sucks the joy out of life and damages you. This is a huge leap forward in consciousness.

Recognizing that judging is an immediate evaluation helps us to understand the childish desire to separate everything into black and white categories: good or bad. Boss nice to me today=good. Boss mean to me today=bad. I call this childish because children need to simplify the world to function.

Once we grow up we realize that the boss can be very nice to us because he is firing us this week and feels guilty. So him being "nice" suddenly can be a bad thing, can't it? Add to that the many times you have said OMG, such and such happened and it's terrible--only to realize much later that the divorce, or firing, or loss of business opened up other avenues which may have turned out to be better for us in the long run.

The mature person realizes that a snap judgment of good or bad cannot be made even about something so obviously "bad" as a ticket. Sure, you paid $450 for the speeding ticket, but the traffic school you attended to avoid the extra point on your driving record taught you what the law expects you to do when there are multiple lanes entering a freeway--and possibly saved your life.

Upon this platform of left brain reason, the determination is made to STOP JUDGING. Since this is a pervasive habit, you should take it in stages for a successful experience.

1. Stop voicing judgment. Stop saying out loud things like "What a loser" or "Yep, such a man of God." You won't even realize how many judglings (my name for these statements) you pound out every day. Snap your wrist with a rubber band each time you say something judgmental, even like "could they have put more icing on these donuts?"
The world will go right on without your opinion. (Warning-- this is harder than it sounds)

2. Stop thinking judgment about yourself. You have two voices in your head. The prattler and the judge. The judge asks things like, "Where did that thought come from" or "you are really a piece of work." Stop making put-down comments about yourself, like "what a klutz." At first you can say, "what a klutz and I love you." It helps to spend time each day sending loving thoughts to yourself. I like to do this in meditation, but you can do it in the car. Say to yourself:

"No one understands me like I do. No one knows my thoughts and intentions like I do. No one realizes what I went through but me--and I tried to do the right things. Weighing the bad and the good so far in my life, I am a damn fine person."

Make up a variation of yours that fits. I say this one and during the day I'll boost it up with an occasional "Damn fine person" just to remind myself.

3. With the self-esteem of victory on the above- read some books on developing more compassion, which is the opposite of judgment mind state. My favorite is "Lovingkindness" by Sharon Salzberg. There are others like "Zen Heart" and "Self-Compassion" who's authors I've forgotten.

Of course I am dealing with a life ruined by Mormonism and I'm assuming you are too. I'm in recovery from the horrendous delusion imposed by Mormonism that I am a spiritual elite who somehow earned a special status here on earth: chosen, powerful, superior person compared with other people.

My first realization that I had some power over my mindset came with reading Eckhart Tolle's book "Silence Speaks." I always talked too much--my whole life. The idea that silence communicates respect. That silence is the audio corollary to negative space in art--and is a powerful communication in and of itself. This changed my life because I shut up.

I was never listening to my own children. I was always waiting for a moment to insert a gospel principal and believe me they were really surprised when I actually changed. Some thought I was faking it--seriously!

Take heart, my friend, you can do this! Please let us know because every person who unravels the mindfuck of Mormonism needs to pass that hope along to others.

Best

Anagrammy

Thank you Anagrammy,for sharing your thoughtful insight.

I can imagine you, being the spiritual example you knew you ought to be for your children, looking for any opportunity to show them the way to the CK. You were only doing what you thought was best for your family, and that is to be commended.

Every day we leave behind our past selves, and we get to choose how we want to move forward. We get to assign meaning to each event in our lives. What a wonderful feeling!

Healing and growing for the rest of my life, and wishing you all the same.

Peace & Blessings,
Varda

Thank you, Varda, that is comforting.

Best

Ana

Judging is going to happen and is necessary. I think the problem is with UNFAIR judging.

I am always trying to improve my FAIR judgment.

You know, like a coffee drinker is in satan's grasp, to a morgbot. That's UNFAIR. So are your self judging thoughts, if they make you feel bad.

FAIR judgment keeps you safe. Informs you about people, and allows you to not let others get the upper hand and deal unfairly with you.

(A similar problem with the word 'discrimination'--based on discernment or on prejudice?)

You said something important about trying to improve one's judgment. A lot of people's standards become fossilized at some early stage and are never "judged" themselves after that. "Judge your judgments" would be a progressive step for them.

Everything new learned should alter one's whole judgment process. The concept FAIR, though, also has to be scrutinized: according to what standard? My sense of fairness reflects the scope of my awareness...which I hope is always expanding!

judgment is also a skill to hone when you have young kids...