Mormons have very set ideas about male and female roles, but seem to think that parental religious opinions must be identical.

No, if dad can love football, tinkering with cars, and woodworking and mom can love baking, quilting, and canning, then kids can certainly understand that they can have widely variant opinions on religion.

Exmos can't expect to prevent all mormon church participation if their children's other parent is a TBM. But neither can the TBM expect the exmo to knuckle under and accept 100% participation.

The other day an exmo mom said her TBM exhusband wanted the child to participate in a mormon presentation at SS. It was during *her* time with the child and the memorized recitation glorified a morg prophet and involved typical testimony language. None of this is fair or reasonable in my opinion.

That would be like the mom asking the dad during his time with the child to take the to the exmo conference and say a poem on stage about how mormonism is an evil cult. I think dad would say no to that.

Better to let each parent make religious decisions with the child and stick with the agreed upon schedula. Exceptions would be any activity that both parents see as wholesome and positive.

If kids seem confused about why dad and mom don't see religion the same way, tell them that everyone is different. There are many hundreds of religions and most of the people on the street and in the stores are as different on this topic as mom is from dad. Having different opinions and perspectives is not a bad thing. It's good. Tell children that they can be glad for the experience of hearing about more than one religious point of view.

The exmo parent might want to take the child to several churches and to musical and drama performances which expose them to differing religious ideas and cultures. Check with a children's librarian or book store kid department for story books about children with diverse backgrounds.

I do have a problem with mormons who say that kids must choose their lifetime religious preference on their eighth birthday. That's much to young to know the implications of such a big decision. Eighteen is young, but it's the age we accept as adulthood so that's when we usually expect our children to own up to major decisions. Twelve might be a compromise age but not younger.

Bishop interviews can be too intimidating for minor children and I'd suggest that parents sit in on them. Many exmos call the bishop and let him know that this is the expectation. They also let the child know that there's no need to answer questions that cause extreme stress. It's good to give them help composing answers and learning to say no to unfair intrusions.

"I only talk about this subject with my parents, no one else."

"I'll have to talk to my mom about this and maybe get back to you if she says it's okay."

"I don't know what you're talking about. So I'll see what my parents say about it."

"No, I'm not going to give answers to that kind of question. I'm following my father's rules."

I appreciate those suggestions----been looking for some responses to give my 8 year old when and if gma ever starts in on her, although going on 3 or so weeks now with my girls not allowed to be alone with her and going pretty well so far. I needed some answers for her to be armed with though and I like those suggestions. Simple and to the point. :)

i agree with you.


in fact, i'd take it one step further by adding that parents should not teach religion to kids, for the same reason we don't indoctrinate kids into being "democrats", "republicans" "libertarians" etc. they are far too young to know what's going on to deserve that type of label. much less to make a rational decision on the matter.



then why is it ok to raise them as "catholic" "mormon" "buddhist"? (rhetorical question)


if the child is compelled by his own inner desire to find a religion, then it shouldn't take place until his is responsible enough to make decisions --which doesn't necessarily mean **legally** responsible.

My husband converted the the Mormon religion after we had been married 5 years. We had two children. At first I was ok with the 50 50 deal but my children did not like the inconsistency, When some woman tried to make my 4 year old daughter do a 2 minute talk or something like that - I started to see the consequencies could be huge - IMO my children's minds and futures were at stake and I finally said no more. I consider that he changed the deal when he converted and- my children's future were more important to me that this marriage and it was my way or the highway. He didn't like it of course but he got over it. I can see that if you were both Mormon and one changed you might have a case- but it is confusing to children to go back and forth and they knew when we were fighting over this - they didn't want to go to his church either so they were glad I took a stand.
We are still together after 44 years. I raised the children in the Lutheran church. One is still Lutheran, two married wonderful Catholic spouses and one is like me :) open to other than Christian philosophies.

Joining the mormon church is a huge game changer in a marriage. I wouldn't think a marriage could survive if one spouse decided on their own that they would go ahead with a plan to sign up and pay for medical school without full cooperation and agreement within the marriage.

Becomming mormon is a larger commitment than that because it doesn't usually end a few years. It goes on for a lifetime costing huge amounts of money and time and also involving every friend and family member for the full duration of their lives.

It's unfair and inexcuseable for one person in a marriage to do this to another after agreeing to different ground rules. Unless both spouses want to join, I think neither has a right to do so.

The serious impact on the children is probably the worst consequence if the TBM spouse expects the children to fully participate in all of the meetings and expectations. That is just too much to expect of a nonbelieving spouse and of children caught in the middle.