After decades of dealing with the manipulation within Mormonism it has been very challenging learning how to set boundaries and keep manipulators at bay. One of the first steps was realizing that ALL forms of manipulation are unhealthy and reflect a profound lack of respect for others. Manipulation in all of its forms is inherently arrogant and condescending. To manipulate another person you must feel that you are superior and that the other person is somehow less capable.

Given the lack of respect, undermining, incessant questioning of worth, nonexistent boundaries, and pervasive manipulation it is a miracle that antidepressant use among Mormons is not even more pervasive. The feeling of true, lasting success is virtually impossible in Mormonism.


"Healthy human interactions are not dominated by manipulation. instead, you find genuine concern for others and a sense of cooperation. Even when people have their own self-interest in mind, the principle of fair exchange is followed.

"Now compare these honorable behaviors with a manipulator. rather than the simplicity of straightforward, mutually respectful relationships, he or she finds clever and indirect means to control others. He or she deceives and seduces, or he creates a chaotic, complex situation within an emotionally supercharged...environment, allowing him or her to stealthily exploit the naivete and character flaws of others. To a skilled [manipulator], human interaction is all about manipulation.

"At the root of these manipulative behaviors is a pervasive lack of respect for others. A [manipulator] holds himself or herself in high esteem, but views others as deeply flawed. He or she is blind to the serious defects in his or her character, but keenly aware of the slightest weakness or imperfection in others. He is convinced that most people are inferior to him or her.

"Because he or she doesn’t respect you as an individual, he or she doesn’t respect your right to make your own choices. From his or her perspective, “live and let live” has no meaning; either you are with him or against him.

"If you are with him or her, he or she attempts to thoroughly dominate you. And if you are against him or her, he or she feels no pangs of conscience as he or she undermines you or [shuns you]. It never occurs to him or her that you possess an equal right to pursue success and happiness."


"Len Bowers, author of Dangerous and Severe Personality Disorder describes manipulation as the use of deception, coercion or trickery to achieve a desired result, without regard for the needs or interests of others. As Bowers and others who have written on manipulation note, the deception, coercion and trickery may take varied forms, but the goal is always the same: the manipulative member of the relationship seeks to maintain control to get what he wants at the expense of others."

http://www.postmormon.org/exp_e/index.php/discussions/viewthread/30882/

Wow! Edde you describe my former (TBM) sister in law perfectly. When I was formerly married to a TBM mormon man-his sister did everything she could to manipulate people (& me) and when I would point it out in confidence to said ex-husband-he and his nazi TBM family ignored me and complemented her-
She was so 'perfect'.
Even now, my grown married son who still remains in the church, who lives near this Aunt in Southern Utah. I warn him about her and he thinks she is the 'cool' aunt. So hip and fun and rich.I am just the exmormon mom who left the perfectness of this mormon family.
I feel I must protect my daughter in law and grandsons from her influence. She has my sweet daughter in law color & style her hair at her salon (even thought Said woman is rich she want everything done for free or super reduced price)
Yes, Nelessa I am writing about you. (She does not ever read any ex mormon blogs or anything because she is so perfect :)

This definitely describes my husband's ex-wife and now daughter. They do not see their maniupulation of feelings, facts, the Mormon Church, relationships, etc. as anything other than "normal." It is frustrating and amazing to me that they can act like this and think that they are completely normal people and hurt others without knowing it and without care or concern!

"Eat your vegetables and you will grow big and strong, like your daddy" IS an example of manipulation that can be defended. ;o))

The claim, "realizing that ALL forms of manipulation are unhealthy and reflect a profound lack of respect for others" suffers from such a flaw. What is more accurate is to say that when the manipulation occurs, lack of respect, consideration, etc. are "assigned lower priority" and it is probably unfair to characterize it so harshly (although such feelings are understandable in many exiting Mormonism).

We are aiming for balance and self-honesty, and one has to acknowledge that being straight forward and essentially "transparent" is a form of "manipulation" itself. Yes, it is generally the most effective "form," and when "transactions" are involved, genuinely healthy people need to be able to accept that "no" is a possible outcome.

And really what I'm aiming for is the realization that there's still a "meta-message" of overt shaming in charging someone with manipulation. Fair enough, and that's likely warranted, but it needs to be--IMHO--accompanied by some empathy for the individual addressed.

I'm noted for my bluntness most of the time, which would appear to contradict this "apparent lack of empathy," but there's also an important element in that I've learned to give someone "time" when heavy subjects and issues are raised. That means I've learned to give someone the opportunity to reflect on my messages, in effect giving them a bit of dignity and trying to avoid the immediate pressure of a decision, which often involves change.

eddie Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------


>
> "Because he or she doesn’t respect you as an
> individual, he or she doesn’t respect your right
> to make your own choices. From his or her
> perspective, “live and let live” has no
> meaning; either you are with him or against him.
>
> "If you are with him or her, he or she attempts to
> thoroughly dominate you. And if you are against
> him or her, he or she feels no pangs of conscience
> as he or she undermines you or . It never occurs
> to him or her that you possess an equal right to
> pursue success and happiness."
>
>

>
>

*****************

And when that Mormon manipulator finds out you don't want to use her house for a temple wedding reception, but rather someone else's, they go out on a hate smear campaign telling others to boycott your daughter's wedding. Then all the ward members slink into the shadows, fearing they are next.