Since my graduation, I've missed the student organizations, service opportunities, and sense of community I had at my school. So I've been wanting to find a socially-responsible community of liberal thinkers who are equality-minded and service-oriented. This morning, my husband finally agreed to visit a UU congregation with me.

So we got there and had a terrific experience. We met a bunch of people, felt absolutely no pressure whatsoever, and were delighted to realize that this is an organization we can engage with on our own terms. We've been hesitant to affiliate formally or informally with another church because we don't want to be sucked into something that will become a psychological or financial burden and we didn't want to affiliate with an organization that supported ideas and causes we disagree with (we vote with our feet). Additionally, neither of us believes in a deity or any kind of superstition whatsoever, and we didn't want to join a religious organization where we couldn't be open about that-- we want to be involved in a community of outreach and service where we feel free to be ourselves completely.

So, DH had this really good experience and we have decided we're going to keep going to determine whether this is really for us or not. DH was moved enough that he decided to share his experience with his mother during their weekly phone call. MIL was not impressed. She immediately became defensive and made the conversation about her and her convictions and her experiences. She didn't hear a damn thing he was saying and didn't let him explain himself or his experience with any detail. He is so frustrated.

Some highlights:

--"What do they believe? Eat, drink & be merry? Whatever you want?" This was said with derision, as if UU's are a lawless bunch of heathens run wild. She can't conceive of people being able to govern themselves morally without having some authority handing down uniform rules of conduct.

--When DH said he missed having a sense of belonging to a community and that he wanted to be involved with a service organization that reflected his values: "I don't know what kind of activities they have, but I know for a fact that the Mormon church has the most activities of any religion." Well, she just pulled that fun fact out of her ass and I'm not sure how having the "most activities" would be a great thing anyway. Most Mormons I know are run pretty ragged. It isn't about quantity, it's about quality-- or it should be. Plus, she doesn't know anything about other religions at all and thus has no basis for comparison.
The whole focus of this congregation's activities currently is sustainable living & environmental responsibility, social justice, & supplying the local food bank through a community garden and donations. They don't waste time and money performing rituals for the dead and conducting "worthiness" interviews, they don't waste time on guilt, or hounding people about pornography, sex, and the like. Nor do they build multi-billion dollar malls. They spend all that energy and those resources doing productive things that accomplish real good in the world.


--And last but not least, the predictable: "You know I know that my faith is the only true faith and that I pray constantly that you and angsty will return to the fold one day. You can search however you need and it will only bring you back to the one true church in the end."

OMFG!! She was so defensive and irrational. She was too keyed up she couldn't even appreciate his motives (participating in humanitarian service, fellowship). We aren't just looking for a social outlet-- we've got friends. We weren't looking for a theology-- we're quite comfortable with our state of non-belief. We just want some kind of organized humanist community to get involved in.

I feel sorry for her. She just alienated her son in a way that won't be easily recovered from-- if that's even possible. I'm beginning to appreciate my family's more more moderate response to my apostasy. I know it's the hardest thing they've ever dealt with in their lives, but they treat me like an adult and listen to me when I share with them about my life.

So we may or may not keep going to this church when it all comes out in the wash. But, we've had a terrific experience of community and belonging and realized that there are some service activities we would really like to get involved in. It's too bad MIL couldn't at least appreciate that. No. Instead she had to block my husband from sharing and make it an occasion for her to share her testimony, tell us we were going to return to the church, and deride a community of people whose whole existence is dedicated to doing good in this world. Nice.

The church would be much more honest if they used a dramatized version of this phone conversation for one of their "...and I'm a Mormon" ads.

I attend services at the UU church. You are correct. It is a great outlet for folks like us that want to be around ike minded people. Putting community and good works first and forget the dogma.

I wish you and your husband peace.

It all comes down to the idea that they've been taught in the Mormon Church that it is the only way to happiness. If you dare to find happiness somewhere else, it really messes with their heads and their safe little Mormon world.

Then they will go to other Mormons and say, "They think they're happy, but it's so sad. It's a false happiness."

the sad part is that my in-laws have, at times, openly admitted to being jealous of the way we get to live our lives. The sisters wish they had gotten to go to school (as I have). One of them told me that her children were her "college education". The brothers wish their wives felt fulfilled and happy. They wish they hadn't rushed into huge family obligations, home ownership and debt before having a chance to really get to know each other and enjoy their marriages.

So, on one hand, my happiness can't possibly be 'real', but on the other, they sure seem like they'd like to try it out (and I sure as hell don't reciprocate). Sour grapes.

That he couldn't simply share a facet of his life with his mother.

How even sadder for you mother-in-law, to have a faith so very shaky that her son's participation in another church brings on a barrage of verbal diarrhea in an attempt to maintain her mental walls against the reality that her church makes her miserable. (Well, that's what it sounded like to me.)

exactly the term he used to describe the barrage. I think you understand quite well.

Dh is feeling better about it today, but it sure broke his heart last night. He was hoping she would at best be happy he was happy, and at worst be glad he was going to some kind of church at all. No luck on either point. She really is missing out on him.

Mormons don't seem to get that a great many people, including a great many Christians, have had it up to the gills with dogma, and Mormons claiming they have more dogma than the next guy is not really a selling point.

D'oh!!

That sounded exactly like how my mother would react. Exactly. You are right - it should be an I'm a Mormon ad because that is stereotypical Mormon behavior. Not all Mormons behave like that but there are enough moms and mils who do to make it a stereotype.

Good luck with her. And with the UU community. I'm thinking of going with one of my exmo friends to her UU church but I'm so skittish of churches in general that all I can bring myself to do is skulk into the back of the big Catholic church near my house once in a while, where I can think about God for an hour and hear a nice, short sermon without anyone talking to me. I think the UU would suit me better for a lot of reasons though, when I finally get up the nerve to seriously look for another church/humanist/whatever community to hang with.

and five for my husband and this is the first time we've attended services in earnest-- or anywhere near that. We were very skittish about having any kind of organized 'religious' experience again. We didn't want to affiliate with an organization with an agenda we didn't agree with completely, and we're not religious believers in any traditional sense. Plus we were just enjoying our freedom on Sundays immensely.

What put me at ease is that it was made very clear to us that we could engage on our own terms, whatever that might be, and that UU's don't see their church as an 'authority'. That put me at ease. We're still checking it out though-- I'll post more I"m sure.

...that he had no use for a religion that didn't teach him exactly how to get into Heaven. Ah, such is life in the Bible Belt.

I laughed because I think it's funny that she finds it conceivable that anyone would really know-- especially since GBH et al., have been so uninformative and the temple rituals are assumed to include a measure of symbolism. I mean even a faithful Mormon can't claim to have any idea. She really is incredibly trusting (and naive).

I found UU difficult personally because it doesn't seem to stand for anything. Everything is allowed and nothing is allowed at the same time made my head spin.

I needed a church with some kind of ideological basis, but without the desire/expectation to turn people into zealots. The Episcopal church works nicely for me.

For people who are looking for a belief structure to wrap their minds around, it's probably too do-it-yourself to satisfy. However, there certainly is a shared ideological basis for the organization-- just not a shared theology or authoritarian structure:

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We, the member congregations of the Unitarian Universalist Association, covenant to affirm and promote

-The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
-Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
-Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
-A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
-The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
-The goal of world community with peace, liberty and justice for all;
-Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

This sounds just like my mother... Her and my Dad went to church with my Brother... My new baby nephew was being "announced" that week and my Brother and SIL invited my parents. I don't know what brand of church it was, but it was definitely more liberal than what they were used to. Some of the highlights were:

- Everyone was dressed causally... Well, not everyone, my Mom and my Dad were dressed for church.

- They quoted scripture from a "Modern" translation of the bible. My parents didn't believe they were accurate and so looked up ever reference they could in the Official Bible when they got home to compare.

- Shock and amazement, there was a "coffee shop" in the lobby! How could they!

- There was a band! A movie projector and screen! What was this, entertainment???? How can you teach if everyone is happy and engaged????

It went on and one, I just listened with a "uh-huh" every now and then. If I know my SIL, if I had called and told them about it, I don't think they would have been very happy to hear their reaction... Yes, the church really teaches openness and respect of others beliefs doesn't it!