I'd like to know what your wards do or did when someone in the ward had a new baby, did you provide meals? For how long? Was this done fairly or were some people luckier than others?

I've been in wards where meals are given to those families who just had a baby, are sick or anything like that. I've seen some families get the royal treatment and I've seen the under priviledge get ignored.

I've also been in wards where this is discouraged and people are asked to be self-sufficient or count on their extended family.

I'm now in a ward where people not only hope or expect meals but rather demand them if they are not organized fast enough. What's your experience?

D

17-18 years ago, in Calgary, my wife and I were treated quite well when our children were born. There was a ward baby shower that was separate from our family baby shower. And we were treated with about a week's worth of meals. We were poor at the time.

But such treatment was not equally distributed through the ward. I remember a few other couples barely receiving any notice whatsoever. I remember feeling quite awkward about this.

When it came down to it, if memory serves, a lot depended upon how active you were (we never missed a Sunday) and who your home teachers and visiting teachers were. If they had clout then you were treated well, it seemed. It was their duty to inform the RS about the due dates etc and the degree of need.

One thing that was clear: if an expecting couple had extended family nearby, it was first the family's duty to provide meals etc. before it was the Ward's duty. That seemed to be a general rule with any kind of charitable giving.

I'm glad your family was treated well. I'm in Ontario and it is like you say, it depended on the family and the RS awareness of who needed a meal.

D

I've had people bring soup or casseroles with babies and emergencies. I can't say Mormon played a role, so I can't offer much in that area.

I have to admire that members take care of members in Mormonism...but it seems like this only works about half the time.

I noticed something about this - where I've lived in California, when you are assigned to bring in dinner, you'd bring a family sized lasagna and a plate of brownies and a salad w/ dressing (for example) if you were assigned to bring dinner into someone. In other words, you'd make a full diner for them. In Utah, I noticed people would bring in the absolute minimum - a bag of shred lettuce with no dressing, a bread loaf sized pan of lasagna and just as many brownies as there were people in the family. Like 4 brownies on a plate, instead of a plateful of brownies. Usually, when assigned to bring in dinner, it's two people: one sister might bring the salad and desert and the other might bring the main dish and some breadrolls. So I've seen this more on the giving end than the receiving end but both times I had babies, (both were in Utah) we would laugh because it's like the person calibrated the minimum we'd need to eat and brought that.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2011 07:56PM by CA girl.

CA Girl, I always enjoy your posts. One thing I saw really early, was despite these very large families, there was never enough food (thinking guests)...how do you do that? How do you think 4 brownies or 4 chicken breasts can feed 7-12-30 people? I have sat at dinners where there isn't enough food for everyone, while others have mounds of food on their plates. Are Mormons that hungry they have to snake all the pot-luck because I thought they were blessed? Are there no manners? Are they missing one or two marbles that they think a family of eight can work with a 2-cup bowl of soup and 3 cookies?

I seriously can't figure out the disconnect here and I'm laughing at your account.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2011 09:05PM by omreven.

Any time my family has had a new baby, they were inundated by support and not one of those people offering were "assigned" by a church.

I don't really know what to say, I'm just can't even begin to grasp why church members would need to be "assigned"

I lived in a south Provo ward when we had our babies. Each time, our ward provided us with meals that were often better than I'd cook for my own family. They were very loving and supportive--a memory I treasure.

O/T a little, but one time we went to the bishop's house for dinner and we were served a Pillsbury croissant with scant chicken inside, lemon pudding and mashed potatoes. Everything was one color, and we were wondering when the roast would appear. It was the oddest thing.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2011 09:26PM by suckafoo.

I didn't expect anyone to bring in meals and didn't need them.

Attention feels good but not as good as self sufficiency.

Anyone leaving the morg could cook double sized meals and freeze half if they think they'll be too tired to cook after childbirth. They could also try their best to plan the pregnacies so they could afford to have Dad pick up pizza or deli food for a couple of days. It's a challenge but it's worth it as far as I'm concerned.

I guess this one area where I have been fortunate. I was quite ill with my last two babies and was in bed for a couple of months. My ward offered to bring in meals daily, but I told them twice a week would be more than enough and very appreciated. My older kids had a dad that could make sure they ate, but it was a comfort to know that at least twice a week, they'd have more of a balanced meal and not just mac and cheese or canned chili or ramen or whatever other disgusting thing he would come up with.

However, I have been inactive for the past few years (name is still on the books), the RS prez knew I had hip replacement surgery - not one meal was brought....but then I didn't expect any either. I did have one neighbor bring a meal about 2 weeks after surgery - which was greatly appreciated.

Being in the service industry, I recall quite vividly a really mean customer who was just plain mean...Anyway, she had a baby, and when the designated "meal provider" wasn't there by 5 pm, this customer called the lady who was bringing in that meal and tore her up one side of the wall and down the other, and was just downright hateful to her, cause she was going to be a few minutes late. If she would have done that to me, I would have told her off, and then told her to "You can cook your own damn meal"! and then I would have hung up on her,

There are food places on every corner in the US. what's wrong with buying from there instead of having ward members shlepp dinner to someone's house?

Fixing food for an additional family is just another burden on top of paying tithes.

They do not play favourites, poor or wealthy.

My mother had a minor stroke recently and they are looking after her very well. They seem to think they are members of the Church of England, or something. ;o))

We got meals for a week in March when our second child was born. I appreciated the generosity, but had to ask them to stop when I realised they were being prepared by people poorer than ourselves. I wouldn't mind receiving help if we needed it, but their efforts would have been far better spent on preparing meals for some of the poorer people in the ward, or even the homeless "non-members".

Why would my wife having a baby mean I couldn't continue to purchase food and prepare it for her myself?

I wasn't LDS when I had my children. My first baby was born when I was in a different church and they did bring me meals for a week. They were good meals and it was appreciated. I don't know about anyone else, I didn't have family around and having your first baby was such a new experience, I felt like I was all thumbs, so the meals were very much appreciated.

I wasn't attending any church when I had my second child. I knew what to expect this time around and knew how I would be feeling, so I stocked up on those family frozen cassaroles. We don't normally eat all that frozen lasagna and stuff, but it did in a pinch and made life easier for awhile.

when there was no refrigeration and meal preparation was an all-day event beginning with the morning bread baking, the picking of vegetables, perhaps gathering eggs or killing a chicken for the evening meal. Obviously that was too much for a new mother.

And her husband had the farm hands coming and couldn't put off the threshing, so a tradition was born that the other women brought meals in daily to support the new mother and give her time to rest.

None of this is true any more except that her husband has to go to work and won't be there to help. Normally, that was the role of the woman's mother, who stepped in to help with laundry, childcare, etc.

It is interesting to see what it has become-- receiving catered meals for a week is one of the "blessings" reserved for the faithful. If you are active or even if you are well-liked, you will receive help. If a person is not active or well-liked and people are assigned to help them anyway, there is resentment. I have personally experienced having people come to my home not out of love but because they were assigned--and they are pissed.

Like Cheryl said, there's no need to burden another family when you can freeze your own damn lasagna or get any number of prepared delicious meals stacked up in your freezer ahead of time. You husband can pick up frozen meals on his way home from work.

Oh--I almost forgot the time I was hospitalized for surgery suddenly and the bishop assigned someone to care for my children until family could arrive. They forced them to eat spicy chili and all of them vomited afterwards. This took place shortly after I stopped going to church. My children reported that the assigned women were mean to them and "didn't like them."

It is important that compassionate service be done by people who feel compassion and want to serve. It is supposed to be a "fruit" of the spirit, an outpouring of love which flows from the love of Christ. The Mormons have turned it into a task on a checkoff list. So wrong.

Anagrammy

My mom and I came to help out my SIL after the birth of each child. We would stay for a few weeks and do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. We even threw a party once during the holiday season. All the new mom had to do was show up for a little bit, and then she could go back to her bedroom and rest. My mom and I handled the cleanup once the guests had departed.

When I was a kid both my mom and dad were quite sick at the same time once. Two sets of neighbors regularly brought by meals and would even have me stay at their homes for a week at a time. I think that neighbors and friends often step up when there's a genuine need. A meal is a way of expressing caring. I remember their kindnesses to this day.

Nowadays many stores have prepared foods and restaurants have takeout meals. As long as one family member is able to get out, the family has a much easier time of it. As Anagrammy points out, that wasn't the case back in the old days.

From a nonmo's perspective...and a guy, if the family has a support system (church and family) and everyone was healthy, mom, newborn, rest of the family, I would make the family one meal.

If they had complications, someone wasn't healthy, or they no had no support system, then I would make more meals for them of course..

Now..I've seen some men, just milk this by:
not cooking or attempt to make meals for THEIR own family.
Not take care of the other kids in the house.

Note to ALL men...it ain't that hard, cooking and taking care of small children and babies..

nonmo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> Note to ALL men...it ain't that hard, cooking and
> taking care of small children and babies..


Which is why it's considered women's work. Which is why mormon men won't do it (sweeping generalization, I'm sure there's a few).

Actually, I was just going to post about this: When my dad -- after 30 years of faithful, tithe-paying service -- jammed his hand into a snowblower and mangled half his fingers on one hand, not one single casserole showed up at the house. True, my stepmonster was still able-bodied and perfectly capable of cooking. However, nobody assigned anyone to go help my dad with snow shoveling/blowing/whatever. My stepmom was unable to do the man chores around the house and my dad was also unable. They could have used some help, but didn't even get a stinkin' casserole.

It should also not be by assignment, which all Mormon stuff is. And at the risk of sounding like a commie, those who require more should get more, so the poor people with a brood and a cluttered house really need it more than the LDS couple who are at the top of the Amway pyramid (apologies to Pres. Paternoster).



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/26/2011 11:34AM by cludgie.

i have always been afraid they would bring meals. last january my wife had new knee replaced. we tried the best we could to hide the fact from the ward members. in spite of our best efforts we were still blessed with three meals. there are only two of us, they always bring more than we can eat. then i have to wash the dishes and return them. we have a custom in our home that we do not return dishes empty so that meant i had to make something to return with the dishes. most of the food was not eaten, i had to make a trip out to return dishes, make something to go on them, it was nice of them to think of us but more of a burden than a blessing.

I have neighbors who bring too much food just to be nice. It's awkward because I sometimes have other plans. I tend to have dinner earlier than they do, and I don't need steamming platters of food after dinner when I have the week's dinner menu under control.

These are wonderful neighbors but I feel obligated. I thank them very kindly, retun the plates and try to reciprocate as best I can. But I wish they'd back off a bit.

I like my privacy and I like having options. I don't need as much food as they lavish on me these days. They are very busy but I don't like feeling beholden to them.

I had major surgery, and almost died, anyhow, they only brought in one meal a day for me, and I couldnt even walk at all. The meals were very small, and I got the feeling that it was more of a chore for them rather than helping out a severely ill person.

From the "volunteer" food-preparer's perspective....

Jeeze! I'm glad I'm not taking meals to people anymore!

I probably didn't make enough food. I thought the meal was supposed to be for the sick person's family--not for all their visitors, too.

Very often, I'd make dinner, after a long day's work, and take it to a sick friend--who's perfectly able husband was sitting in front of the TV, and they were older, with no children to take care of. Often, I would clean up the kitchen for them. The husbands in our neighborhood make lots of money, and could easily just get restaurant take-out. The neighbors across the street were the worst for demanding meals. When I'd take dinner over there, their kitchen counter was overflowing with a variety of desserts, casseroles, friut, veggies, bread, etc. A while later, two carloads of grandchildren and children converged upon the house. At least everything got eaten. As a single mother, I was on a very strict budget, and I usually made the sick people a better dinner than we had--which I now deeply regret.

Our neighbors and the others ofter would REQUEST beef, and not chicken, because they had too many chicken casseroles already. My response was, "Well if you have that many casseroles, you don't need yet another." but I went ahead and gave them expensive roast beef, and swore that would be the last time.

We didn't receive meals, because we didn't request meals. My kids learned to cook, and walk to the grocery store. I think this taught us self-sufficienty and closeness as a family--rather than to depend on a church for favors.

I understand if an individual WANTS to do this for a friend or family member they care about.

What I don't get, is why the FATHER can't fix food for himself/kids/wife?

I went to school and took a test 18 hours after I had my daughter. I worked up until the day I had her taking care of my injured husband. I did clinicals (RN school) four days after having her. Now, I do realize recovery is different for everyone, but good greif...its birth not a permanant disability. Self-sufficiency is highly important to me. I pre-prepared freezer meals for myself.

Where is the dad in all of this? WHy is it assumed he cannot do his job and take care of his family?

Being around the military on a daily basis, NONE Of us has family around...we HELP each other on our own free cognition...no one has to "assign" us to help our friends...thats how REAL friendship works.

Organizing meals for the congregation is part of the job description of a Deacon in our church. The person in need (new baby, surgery, etc.) is asked if they want meals, how often they want them, what they like and don't like, and how many people are in the house. The people who volunteer to prepare a meal want to cook and spend some time with the recipient. We try to offer this to everyone who might be in need. There was one young mother with two kids, who eventually passed away from cancer, who got a meal every other day for a year.

I got meals with my second son, but not for a series of surgeries. We didn't want the parade, my kids are very picky, and it made me feel good to scramble some eggs for my family.

The dad of a new baby is supposed to be helping take care of the new baby along with the mother. Ha Ha.

a month early. They had to go back for bilirubin for a few days. I had a C-section, toxemia, and preeclampsia. I got one meal. The day I had to take my kids back to the hospital, the VTs showed up unannounced and thought no problem to stay for a while (I didn't even know them). I was an easy pushover back then. Then they brought a meal. I was supposed to be taking my kids back to the hospital. They would NOT HEAR of me not eating before I took them to the hospital--so the women held the babies while my ex and I ate in front of them. One of the most uncomfortable days of my entire life (My mother and sister had asked someone to come stay with me that day WHICH I DIDN'T WANT)--so the first day home from the hospital with twins--I entertained a bunch of people. It makes me weary just thinking about it.

After that--every time I'd run into the R.S. President, she'd apologize for not doing more for me.

Then I had a lady I visit taught whose family abandoned her with her 4 year old after she had bunion surgery on both feet. They put in an order for meals for 15 days. I told them tough shit.