Im 26..i feel like i have waited way too long to talk to my family about this. I'll be honest, im kinda scared to tell my parents im gay. I just recently graduated from college this summer, and i am currently living at home, but am moving out in 3 weeks, it took me a couple months to find employment, but i have had work now for a few months, so its time to start being 100% self reliant again. I actually have a boyfriend, we have been dating for 2 months, but we always hang out at his place, for obvious reasons. So I was planning on telling them im gay (which kinda also implies that i dont have interest to practice mormonism) when i move out, but the more i think about it, the easier it would be just to ignore the whole issue altogether, just dont ever bring it up. Anybody here been in my shoes in the past? Any advice on how to handle telling the mormon family im gay? Much appreciated!

Have you been dropping little clues so this won't hit lite a bombshell?

I think it's a good idea to let it come out natually and over time.

When mom asks about callings, you could answer that you're taking a break from them, doing the minimal.

If she asks you to pray over the food, keep the prayer general and less mormon-like.

Emphasize your honesty and devotion to ethics so your parents don't think you just want to sin when all of this unravels.

Also, individualize your exit to meet the needs and personalities involved. There's no one best way to exit the morg. That kind of thinking is for TBMS who are still in it.

A general and non mormon-like prayer could go something like:

Pharrell: Um, hello? Hellooooo? Can you hear me? Hello? There's nobody there. Let's eat.

They might already know. Sometimes all of us feel like we're hiding part of ourselves from everyone when we aren't; not everyone at least. Some people pick up on things really well. I guess what I'm saying is that 20 years down the road you might decide to come out to them and have them say something like, 'we already knew/suspected/thought so'; in which case you might regret all of those years of worrying about hiding it from them.

Having said that, I totally understand not wanting to sit them down and have it out because it will open up something very personal for you as a conversation topic and they may feel free to say things and ask questions that they shouldn't.

What about waiting until you move out and then not bringing it up, instead calling them up to invite them out to lunch to meet your boyfriend- something like that? That way you can end the call if you need to and there's no fear of getting kicked out or being trapped.
Best of luck!

That was the case for my ex. His parents had been adamantly anti-gay when he was younger, to the point that he was convinced that if they ever found out he would be disowned. (They were not Mormon, but some other conservative sect of Christianity).

Even when he divorced, he did not tell them why, even though we remained friends and I would often be around his family for gatherings. He finally decided to tell his mother when he was nearly 40. Instead of the reaction he had expected, she just said calmly, "Yes, we thought it might be that." They don't talk much about him, and I wouldn't expect to find her at PFLAG, but she just accepts his boyfriend as his friend and everything has been fine. Of course being older when he finally said it out loud probably made a difference. After all those years, many of them married to a woman, I'm sure she didn't think getting upset about it would change much.

I was born and raised LDS, went on a mission, graduated from BYU, then finally had the courage to come out as gay to my family. My advice is to come out to your family and live an honest life.

I agree with lulu that you shouldn't do it over Christmas. It's such an emotional time with so many expectations as it is. I think coming out during the Christmas season would just complicate things. Wait until you've moved out of you parent's house.

You're right, it would be easier to ignore the issue and not bring it up. But you won't be happy that way. Coming out is scary as hell, but you'll be so glad you did it once the dust settles.

When you do it make sure your parents know that you love them and aren't rejecting them or the way they raised you. When I came out to my Mom it broke my heart when the first thing she asked me was, "Are you still going to come home and see us?" I told her there wasn't any reason I wouldn't.

And be willing to stand your ground. There isn't anything to be negotiated or debated. You're gay and (I assume) you don't believe in mormonism anymore. Make sure your parents know that you're the same person you've always been. Being gay and not going to their church doesn't change any of that.

And be willing to give them time to get used to the idea. I've heard it said that you should be willing to give them just as much time to get used to the idea as it took you to come out to them. There will be rough spots along the way, but stand your ground.

Things have worked out well for me. My entire family is very active mormon, but we all get along just fine. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years, and he's considered another member of the family. He's gone home with me twice now to spend Christmas with the family. When my parents come out to Utah they stay with my boyfriend and I.

My advice is to live an authentic life and come out to your family. It's kind of like taking off a bandaid - just rip it off and get it over with. It won't be as bad as you think it will be, and you'll be much happier once it's over with.

I agree whole-heartedly with the person who said to wait until you move out and wait until after the holidays. You probably have a best scenario fantasy of how it will work out, but make sure you are emotionally prepared for whatever reaction they may have. Also I wouldn't talk about being gay and leaving the church at the same time. They may make that correct assumption on their own but it may be too much to handle all at once. It's like coming out 2 times all in one conversation. I would give them the smallest bit of information possible in one sitting. "I'm gay."and then answer their questions as simply as possible instead of launching into a monolog about who your boyfriend is, how long you've been dating, how much you love him, and all of your issues with the church.

I'm no expert, those are just my ideas. Best of luck to you.

When I came out to my parents I didn't intend to discuss mormonism at the same time, but my Dad brought it up. My parents had known for several years that I had problems with the mormon church. Dad asked if I'd been excommunicated. I told him I hadn't, and that to be honest I wanted to have my name taken off the records, but hadn't out of respect for my parents. Dad told me I shouldn't be a member of something I didn't believe in, and if I didn't want to be a member I should resign. So I did. (And it felt much better than I thought it would.)

Like rmw said, be prepared for anything. My family is very active. Dad is the stake patriarch and a sealer in the Nauvoo temple. I decided to come out to my Mom first because I thought she'd take it better than my Dad. Turned out to be the opposite. Mom had a much harder time with it. It didn't seem to affect my Dad so much.

Like I said, be patient with your family. Believe me, I know how hard it is to come out to mormon family. Their first reactions might not be very positive. Just remember to give them time to get used to the idea.

both with logic and then by demonstrating.

You aren't going to change to straight. You aren't a sinner. You aren't giving up morality or ethics or a clear head. It isn't their fault.

You still love them unconditionally and hope they return it. You aren't going to embarrass the family or infect the children with gayness.

You are still Pharrell, nothing has changed about you, only about what they know.

Just my little two cents worth: First, I agree with those that said not to do it over Christmas and to wait until you move out. Next, as a parent, (and yes,even when I was a TBM parent), I love my children unconditionally. If one of mine had "come out", I would have still loved them unconditionally. That is the way one is supposed to love. I hope that your parents will feel the same way. If, for some reason, they do not, remember that it is a shortcoming on their part, and you are not doing anything wrong, just being true to yourself. I wish you the best!

Pharrell,

If you need any more advice, encouragment, sympathy, etc., feel free to contact me. You can get my e-mail address from Susan I/M.

I was in exactly the same position as many here. I had been out of BYU (which I put myself through) for a while, completely self sufficient. My father, the stake patriarch blindsided me with a priesthood interview, which I went along with because I was just used to that sort of thing as a BIC in a TBM family.

However, when he asked me if I was attending church regularly I surprised myself as well as him with a "no". The why after that got him the "I'm gay and I don't believe in the church either."

That's the condensed version. It was actually traumatic and heart wrenching. I had never planned it, which sent the emotion of the moment through the roof.

I'm glad it happened that way because what my father saw was the raw honesty of the moment. I hope he got from that all the years of pain leading up to that moment. It wasn't rehearsed or thought out, but it was real and it was his chance to see that I wasn't just some sinner having a blast, but that both things were deeply monumental in my life.

I held my ground completely after that. I made it clear that the subject would never be on the table again. We went on from there and had a reasonable good relationship for TBMs with a gay apostate son.

In the end, you will do it how you do it, just make sure you do it with love. It will be very hard for them. You are the one who understands. They don't.

"Hi Mum, Hi Dad, I have something important to tell you. But before I do that meet my boyfriend Hank..."

absolutely *****

I told my Mom in a letter and got BLASTED. I held my peace and in around 9 months reconciliation was made. Honesty is! I agree, wait until after the holidays and after the move out.

Thanks for all of the advice, i havent had a chance to read it all yet but im going to asap. I just feel really sick at the moment and its difficult to read.

Steep yourself in Dan Savage's advice first. Here's one to start:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SgkviV9GIY