I am just really wondering how many lurkers there are out there that would really love to post but have been to intimidate by the tone of some of the people on this board.



I guess I just don't get it, some of just seem to lack compassion for others and there road on this journey out of mormonism. Each person is different and each person has to do in the way that is comfortable for them. There is no right or wrong way out of this cult.



Just doesn't seem like there is a good balance of understanding and supportive people as there are the ones that just seem to be looking for prey to attack....



maybe someone can explain this to me



so any lurkers want to chime in here?????

Perhaps "someone" could explain "this lack of good balance of understanding and support" to you but it would probably more specifics. Can you describe how you envision RfM could change to better suit your needs? Have you been a lurker hesitant to join in?

I love lurkers and think they contribute in good ways like a live audience contributes to a good stage production and makes it better than a rehearsal.

I'm happy and proud of lurkers who jump in and contribute occasionally when they're especially needed. I've seen this so many times and appreciate the effort.

On the other hand I support anyone's need and inclination to remain a lurker.

The mormon church called it "hiding your light under a bushel." I call it recovering as *you* see fit.

maybe its just that i notice the ones attacking more for some reason and maybe im to hyper senstive, its just when i see what looks like someone trying to express something and they start getting blasted with attacks...not saying everyon does it...it just makes it hard to step out from behind the curtain.

and no i dont expect a babysitting service to coddle me just think there could be a bit more tolerence of differing views than some here seem to hamay

maybe im better as a lurker though there are times i would like to not be...but also realize that i do not always express my feelings as well as many of you do here.

so maybe ....yeah....lurking is probaly best

"maybe its just that i notice the ones attacking more for some reason and maybe im to hyper senstive, its just when i see what looks like someone trying to express something and they start getting blasted with attacks"

"hypersensitive"...Brokenwings as a name.....

If your still mormon (which I assume) or working your way out, there's lot of info here...

Hate to tell you but this is how it is in the real world...People argue, discuss, debate...They even attack with the anonymity provided with this board..

That all said...living YOUR life the way you WANT to far outweighs the claustraphobic conformity provided by the mormon church....

Hope you'll keep posting in spite of possible pitfalls.

Lurking is a safe way of learning to deal with the struggling emotions that you have while you grow strong enough to face that life changing decision. I lurked for a long time on many different boards with a wide range of topics until I got a feel of those that are "Regulars". I have learned that there are those in the world of cyberspace that do not have much patience with people that can't express themselves. So I can understand why some people choose to "lurk and learn" rather than brave the waters of open debate. You can learn a lot by just watching and listening.

Kahlil Gibran did not mean for anyone to wallow in angry self-pity forever.

Hopefully, your broken wings will mend as you shake off the effects of Mormonism.

Then you can spread your wings and soar.

Yes, absolutely.

Great book, great name.

or that they are using the wrong tone.

I'm not much of a lurker, I post fairly regularly, and I think that I express myself fairly well. However, I was upset at the response I got when I mentioned in passing that I was getting married to a man from Afghanistan. Some posters just can't tolerate that. I think the board should focus on discussing issues and not attacking personal life choices. But I think I'm strong enough to deal with those ridiculously judgmental, intolerant people, and it's worth it for me to be able to talk to the more sane, tolerant, and less prejudiced people on here who have been through some of the same things I have in dealing with Mormonism.
When you post on here, you have to be ready for the attacks, but they only make you stronger and you will find support too.

I'm always surprised that anybody can actually have their feelings hurt by people they don't even really know. I've been on the board since almost the beginning and have had my share of tussles but I never came away feeling like I hadn't held my own or had my ego so crushed that I would never dare post again. Sexismyreligion is right. If she wants to marry into a culture that imprisons women for being raped then she is free to do so. She also recognizes that others might think such a decision is unwise and might even have the courage to speak their mind about it. But in the end she gets to make her own decisions.

I recognize that you have the right to characterize an entire region of the world as "a culture that imprisons women for being raped", just as I could characterize you as being from a culture that imposes the death penalty on innocent people. Or I could lump you in with the British, since it's essentially the same culture, and say that you call all homosexuals fags. If you choose to be that narrow-minded, it's your right to do so.

The part I have trouble understanding is why you would say that it takes "courage" for someone to say that my decision is unwise. If you saw someone telling a gay person that their choice to marry a person of the same gender was unwise, would you think that was a courageous statement?
At least you are generous enough to admit that I get to make my own decisions. Thanks, sd.

If you can't tell, brokenwings, I find the best way to deal with passive-aggressive comments is through assertive confrontation. But that's just me. ;) It's a good skill to practice for dealing with Mormons also.

It's important to remember that it is easy to be misunderstood on a board. I had someone who thought I was shooting them down once when all I was doing was trying to open up the topic to a broader field. I re-read my post and still couldn't figure out how things had gone wrong.

It is really good to give the benefit of the doubt.

I really love hearing everybody's angles. Sometimes what some people label as an attack is just a poster wanting every facet of the subject to be seen, nothing more.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/08/2011 10:43AM by blueorchid.

Sometimes I've picked out one element from a thread, saved it a few days, changed the scenerio, and written on whatever part interested me, and still someone will claim it as a personal headon attack.

Better not to comb the board looking for slights and insults which might be nothing of the kind.

I wouldn't waste time arguing with them. Love them, pity them, show concern for them. Otherwise just discuss what you want and need to discuss and don't worry too much about them.

I am a lurker and a seldom poster, but I thoroughly enjoy the discussions. I lurk to observe and learn and hear new ideas. I'm still sorting out what I think and feel about EVERYTHING since leaving mormonism.

There is compassion on this board, but even more importantly, there is debate (and inevitably some snarkiness) which is mind-opening and spirit-growing. I need to have my ideas and norms challenged at this point in my life instead of being comfortable or being told what to think, feel, and do (as the church does to members their whole lives).

It's part of growing up and I feel like I'm finally doing it now that I've left the fold.

Keep up the conversation!

I'll admit I don't post sometimes because I am afraid of someone being mean.

I've seen it enough on here to stay out of the conversation and quietly lurk.

exmollymo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> I've seen it enough on here to stay out of the
> conversation and quietly lurk.


Awwwww :-(

There is a point in the beginning where you do feel broken and fragile. I have noticed most people on the board can sense that and have compassion for that. As you go, you get stronger and need less coddling. I needed and received complete coddling from those here. There are certain buzz things that cause anger. If for a minute people think you have a hidden agenda they will get angry. Or if a story seems suspect. If you don't have a hidden agenda or if your story really was real and you are questioned, that is when it can hurt. I tend to receive here but I don't offer much in return because I still doubt myself and any advice I could possibly give that would be much good. I'm still damaged and working on my self esteem and getting stronger. No one has offended me yet on here which is much appreciated.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/08/2011 02:53PM by suckafoo.

I think you have contributed good things on the board suckafoo. I read your posts with interest.

I think the best approach is to not take things too seriously or personally. It's just an internet discussion board after all. Have some fun with it.

I think there are some who forget what this board is really all about. Recovery.

They are here so often they start to think its all about them.

For some reason (leftover mo thinking?) they think it is ok to espouse their beliefs, and call you stupid and ignorant for yours.They try to convince us they know what we should believe and think. They get down right snotty about it. They forget we are here to recover from a entity that was doing the same S&#@t.

They seem to have forgotten how fragile, and confused people can be when their whole life's foundation has been ripped from under them.

Or maybe they are just filled with rage at being bamboozled by the mormon religion. I can understand that. But don't forget that most of us are here for the same reason. We are not the ones you should be raging at. We left too.

If you want to preach your beliefs, you are on the wrong site. That is not what this site is for. If you feel a need to nit pick, don't get all hurt about it when others call you on it. If you are being a butt head in general on a regular basis don't be surprised if you get called on it and people stop responding to you.

This site is not a replacement for therapy,religion,marriage, or any other type of human contact. It is a place to talk about how leaving Mormonism has affected you. How you are handling it.(or not)Conversing with others who are or have been in the place you are now in respect to leaving mormonism. We can comfort,vent,share info. The reason this site exists is to help people leave the church. IMO that should be the main topic. If you need therapy, religion,or human contact, go get it.

Amen--well said

There are other boards. Postmormon.org is a bit mellower than RFM and people there are supportive of those who are working their way out of the church.

The good thing about RFM is the amount of traffic. The bad thing about RFM is that there is a lot of traffic. Most people here are pretty cool. There are a very few trollish folks and maybe just a plain jackass or two, but the board policy, while being relatively broad is clear on there being no personal attacks or religious preaching or people who seem to post for the sake of causing trouble.

If you ask for support here I think it is almost always forthcoming, and there are those of us who will chime in and defend someone who appears to be being woefully misconstrued and belittled by someone acting obtuse, mean, insensitive, or cruel.

This is true!! It's what I've always seen. People will even help trolls on the off chance that they are telling the truth but are coming off trollish.

I've been here for years, admittedly, by participation ebbs and flows, but the only aggression I tend to see here is against people who are preaching their beliefs. People share their leaving process, their recovery, their ongoing issues, new found belief systems, etc. However, the instant someone asserts that their post-mormon approach to religion is better, more logical or righteous than another person's, BOOM! flame war. Of course this doesn't apply to EVERYONE, but there are some aggressive religious folk here, and some aggressive atheist folk. Then there are the ones on either side who take a live and let live mentality. But that's really what the world is like, you'll find that anywhere. The only thing that is universally flamed here is posts from TBMs who insult exmorons in the name of phony understanding.

If you are not a TBM trying to "understand" what would make people stray and deny what "you know" they really do still believe, or a TBM apologist, mini-modding every post to disagree with all points made that are contrary to what mormons believe, then you really shouldn't have any problems posting here.

If you lurk long enough, you'll know who the hotheads are, and you'll just steer clear of their posts. That's what I do!

I've honestly never seen anything but welcoming attitudes towards new people here who are finding their way out, or those who have been out for a long time. Try posting more and see how it feels, most of us don't bite, and the ones who do bite everyone, so it's hard to take them seriously!

If there is one thing my dad taught me is to be careful what "tone of voice" you put to something you read. ;)

Of course, it can be difficult to make the difference between if someone is being frank or "unfeeling" (not compassionate).