I feel so conflicted inside (like my whole life has been a lie). I don't know what to believe. I need help! The following the actual email I sent to my bishop. He has yet to reply. I guess I'm basically waiting for my church court. What a crappy hand I've been dealt. Where do I even start to go from here?

*********************************************************
Bishop,
I’m sending you this email because I feel like I need to organize my thoughts. I’m more able to think things through when I put things down like this. This document will contain very personal information (hence the password protection) so I guess it goes without saying that I would appreciate discretion on who is allowed to see it.

I don’t know where else to start except from where things left when you last saw me (around August). I had stopped dating my girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) until both of our divorces were final. Ironically our divorces were both finalized on the same day. We then started to see each other a couple of times a week and things were getting pretty serious. I know this is important and I’m not cheapening the significance of it, but I also don’t want to drag out the inevitable. The sexual tension between us was huge and we ended up having sex with each other.

Part of the reason I didn’t want to meet yet was because I know that part of the repentance process includes remorse and a promise not to do it again. I don’t feel like I can make that promise. In fact I was very surprised about how little remorse I felt/feel. In my first marriage sex was such a huge variable in why we got married (I think it is for a lot of young couples). I didn’t ever want to make the same mistake and I felt/feel so conflicted. I was (and still kind of am) angry at God for allowing me to go through this temptation again. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake and I wasn’t going to get remarried just so that I didn’t commit adultery. Maybe I should have been stronger but I wasn’t and honestly being in the same position today, I would do the same thing. As a result, once sex was out of the picture, I could see things a lot more clearly and I knew it wasn’t meant to be. I know this might seem like a cowardly way to confess but I assure you I’m not trying to take some easy way out. I’m willing to deal with any church consequences that come as a result of what I did. That being said, I’m also going to be honest about the fact that I’m not all that remorseful for it and I would do it again. It probably saved me from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

You’d think that the previous couple of paragraph would be the biggest source of anxiety in my life right now, but it really isn’t. Two things really surprised me as a result. One is how little remorse I felt/feel, and two is how much I’ve realized that I don’t feel like Satan “has me in his clutches”. In some ways it’s been a very freeing process. I feel like I’m a good person and I know I want good things. I don’t feel like my “countenance has changed” other than how conflicted I feel. That conflict is the biggest source of my anxiety right now.

I was raised in the church and I’ve questioned it all my life. I’ve always wondered about things and never felt like I got the answers I was looking for. I’ll give you just a few examples:

1. I don’t agree with the church’s stance on gay people. I know gay people and I know that they were born the way that they are. I don’t feel like they could change how they feel any more than I can about the way I feel about women. My question is why would God make someone gay just to make them go through the hell of changing the feelings that they were born with? It’s like an eternal death sentence just for being who God made them to be.

2. The church teaches that Adam and Eve lived approximately six thousand years ago (which Eve wasn’t even the first of Adams wives Lillian was but that another question), but there is evidence everywhere that there where huge civilizations that lived thousands if not millions of year before that. I’ve asked this question before and the only answer I get is that the earth was recycled. I just don’t buy that.

3. If the Native Americans originally came from Jerusalem then why has there never been one ounce of evidence from DNA samples that they have taken showing there Jewish heritage. I don’t buy that god changed their DNA.


I could go on, but those were just a few of the many questions that I have. I’ve always felt like I shouldn’t express those questioning thoughts and feelings and so I’ve suppressed them. I also want to add that I have felt what I would consider to be “The Spirit”. I can’t deny some of the things I’ve felt. I don’t want to deny them. I know that a large part of someone’s testimony is based on what is felt. Yet you can see how conflicted I am.

I’m a point in my life where I have lost everything. I’ve hit rock bottom. After this email, I’ll probably even lose my soul and eternal salvation. I can’t even comprehend what that means. And with the conflict inside of me, I don’t think I even believe it. I feel something like what I think a gay person feels like. I ask myself why did God make me this way? I feel like he’s just playing a cruel joke on me. I see how people feel about the church. I see how much they fit into it. I’ve always felt like I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I don’t fit into the church. Sure I can do really well for a few months, but I’ve never been able to get passed the questioning thoughts and feelings I have to really believe and sustain things long term.

I’m not in any way Anti-Mormon. I think the church is great. It teaches great principals and I’m happy that my children were raised LDS. I have a son that is about ready to go on a mission. I have told him that I would fully support him going on a mission but would love him either way. I never had that. I always felt like I would basically be disowned if I didn’t go. I didn’t want to go and I didn’t have a testimony. I hadn’t even read the Book of Mormon until I was on my mission. Hence I wasn’t a very good missionary. My heart wasn’t into it.

About a month after my divorce was final, I got into a huge argument with my ex-wife. I said some horrible things in email and text messages. My oldest son ended up seeing them and came at me with a vengeance. I never thought someone could hurt me so bad. I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world.

I remembered thinking the same thing about my father. As I said, I was raised LDS. In some ways I feel like I just can’t get passed things because it was so ingrained into me (almost brainwashed). I always felt like my father was a huge hypocrite. He was in the bishopric and he would bare his testimony every fast Sunday (embarrassed the hell out of me). Then he would go home and molest my sister(s). My father was always so black and white when it came to living the gospel and yet I had to sleep by my sister’s door every night ready to kill him if he tried to do anything to my sister. What an f-ing horrible thing to have to remember. I had to actually hate my dad enough to be able to KILL HIM in order to save my sister.

I thought I had done a pretty good job protecting my sister(s) until about 5 or 6 years ago when my sister started remembering everything. He finally confessed and was excommunicated then a couple of years later he was re-baptized into the church. Now I get to hear how righteous he and my mother are every time I talk to them. huh - no wonder I question

Things have healed between my sisters, my parents, and me. All has been forgiven (but not forgotten). All of this was a huge issue between my ex-wife and me. She still will not let my kids anywhere near him. I actually had to have that put into my divorce papers. My ex-wife is one of those round pegs. I don’t think she has even read the Book of Mormon cover to cover and yet she just robotically does what she should. I’ve forgotten more about the gospel than she’ll ever know and yet somehow God saw fit to make her the kind of person that just believes.

My father had me convinced that child molestation ran in the family. He did it, my uncle did it, and my Grandfather did it. For most of my married life I was very distant from especially my oldest daughter. I guess I was always waiting for those feelings to come. I was not going to be like my father and I would kill myself before doing anything to any child let alone my own daughters.

Thankfully those feelings never came and I now have what I think is a good healthy relationship with both of my daughters.

I missed out on a lot though. It’s a long story but it ends about nine years ago when I about worked myself to death for two years trying to start a company with a couple of other guys. I ended up having mental breakdown. I was hospitalized for almost a month total. I was so depressed I started to cut myself. I was completely out of my mind. HOW COULD A LOVING GOD MAKE ME GO THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!! It even got to the point that I had to have ETC (shock) therapy (My short term memory has never been the same since). I’ve been on medication every day since. My chronic fatigue has been with me ever since too. I’ve never been the same person since that happened, and then when things happened with my father it got even worse. I may not have been physically abusive to my family, but I just wasn’t there. God only knows how I’ve been able to manage keeping my job. It’s a struggle every day for me, and it’s just plain exhausting.

So I’m left with all of these thoughts and feelings going on inside my head. I’ve failed at basically everything I’ve set out to do (huh - except for that stupid company I started). I hit rock bottom and with a gun in my mouth and the hair trigger engaged I had to make a decision to either live or die. I didn’t/don’t have much more that I can lose.

One image came in to my mind of my youngest son being told about my death. I could see his face and I was horrified. When I decided not to pull the trigger, I promised myself that once I made the decision I would stand by it. I also promised myself that I would learn to love myself. The person God made. My Dad always had this paper above his desk, “I know I’m somebody because God don’t make junk”. Maybe my dad felt something like I feel now. Maybe that’s why he had that paper, I don’t know. I do know that no matter what happens to me with regards to the church, I AM NOT JUNK!!

I look around the world and I see so much evil. I feel like a huge storm is approaching, and I want to be on the right side. But, I’m not going to deny the questions and feelings that I have. I can have those thoughts and questions and still be a good person. I am what God made me. I am a thinker, and I logical person. That’s the way I think. I’m good at my job because of it and I don’t think I need to apologize for it. If A doesn’t equal B then I want to know why. I can’t just accept things like that. I feel like if God wants to condemn me for being this way, then all I can do is accept what comes at me and live with it. Either way I’m done lying to myself. I’m done having one foot in and one foot out. It’s either all in or all out and frankly I don’t think I can be the first. I’m still that square peg trying to fit into that round hole, and if the only way to God is through the hole, I guess there isn’t anything more I can do accept take care of my kids, love them and deal with the hand I was dealt.

So now you have at least a small idea of what is going on in my mind. I’m willing to talk to you and I don’t want to sound hateful or blasphemous. Somehow I do still believe there is a God. I don’t know why, but I do. I guess I just feel like without that, everything is hopeless and I can’t accept that.

Like I said, I’ve already lost everything (everything except my kids) and I’m just starting to heal. I work and live every day just to take care of my kids. If all they put on my grave stone is “he failed, but he tried”, I’m ok with that. I’m fine with whatever consequences come from my admission of guilt and lack of remorse. I wish I felt differently but I’m not going to lie about how I feel just to get some sort of leniency. If taking away my membership in the church is what God want to happen to me next, I’ll roll with that punch too.

Lostandalone.

You're not. You have friends here. Many people here have been right where you are. All of us have had to face the terror of discovering the deceit and betrayal of mormonism, and shaking off the cult-think that bound us to feel beholden to so-called leaders with imaginary authority.

I can't speak necessarily to what god wants to happen, but I can absolutely tell you that any god worth believing in has nothing whatsoever to do with mormonism. Mormonism is false and rotten to the core.

I can tell that you are seeking for solid ground -- so many foundations you should have been able to rely on have been only betrayal -- and I hear you crying out for some semblance of cosmic FAIRNESS and justice.

I can tell you that the foundation and peace you seek is out there. For me it is has been cultivated based on real evidence and cautious due diligence. No reliance on magic books and fifth hand accounts of angels is acceptable anymore, and I can only say that as I have done the work, tested the propositions, evaluated the evidence, proved the claims, I have come to feel the peace and certainty that it is possible to know reasonable things with some confidence, and I have felt that the foundation I rely on is certain. Not that it provides certain answers about everything, but that it is trustworthy and reliable as a process for determining truth.

You will first have to do the work. Read and consider the evidence for yourself. First seek to get to a trustworthy place before you start to sort out the can of worms. Your bishop is merely a dentist or insurance salesman. He cannot help you nor does he have any real authority. His ONLY job is to advance the interests of the church and he will help you if it does that, and he will hurt you if it does that. Subjecting yourself to the useless and false "discipline" of mormonism will further abuse and humiliate you in order to further the church's aims. Do not submit to this.

Try to get some distance and time and space to heal yourself and get some altitude before you do anything more. Many much smarter people on this Board can suggest some nonmo counseling resources if necessary.

You are not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for the reply. I think your counsel is wise. I can't believe it's taken me the better part of forty years to finally accept that I'm ok just being me. My head is just spinning with emotion. I feel relief, anger, empowerment, sadness, love, heartache, fear, etc. I've read so much today and while I feel so validated, I also feel violated.

The sad thing is that it's not just my belief in the LDS Faith that's been shattered. I honestly don't think I could ever trust any faith. I just want to be proud to stand on my own two feet for once. I don't want to feel like every bad thing that happens to me is because I'm being punished for doing or not doing something.

I've just been numb for so long and I simply can't do it anymore. I don't even feel like there is a God that loves me anymore. Why would a loving God put me through this or even allow me to go through something like this for so long. I'm to old and feel like my life to this point has been a lie. I'm starting over at forty with nothing. I don't even have a solid foundation to start on. I just want to close my eyes pray like hell that when they open again this nightmare is over.

Your post made me so sad for all the feelings of guilt and depression that I have shared as well at times.

Since leaving the church, my life has improved exponentially! I must admit that I no longer really believe in a God. I guess I haven't totally committed to that, but it's definitely the way I am leaning.

I think we all leave behind a legacy of one kind or another and that in and of itself has great value. With or without an eternal consequence, your life has value and impact.

Living your life to the best of YOUR ability has been my key to happiness. I am still very kind and caring of others, but I no longer suffer from guilt or feelings of inadequacy. What a relief!

Please don't let the church continue to make you feel bad about yourself. You sound like a fabulous person with honest feelings and perspective. Stay that course and you will soon find life enjoyable again!

Good luck with all that you have been dealt. It sounds like you are playing your hand wisely. You only have one life to live, so live it freely and honestly!

Your bishop has neither the time nor the training to be of much help.

Please go see a non-LDS therapist for a while. You need to talk things over with an experienced neutral party.

Also, do NOT put anything in writing!
Problems told to a Mormon bishop rarely stay private,be careful what you divulge.

Glo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Your bishop has neither the time nor the training
> to be of much help.
>
> Please go see a non-LDS therapist for a while. You
> need to talk things over with an experienced
> neutral party.
>
> Also, do NOT put anything in writing!
> Problems told to a Mormon bishop rarely stay
> private,be careful what you divulge.


I'm quoting this hoping you will read it again and again and again. This is excellent advice. I would say the same!!! PLEASE listen and use this advice!

This is a cry for help from your heart.

I don't think the bishop will be able to help you - he can't answer your real and pressing questions or give you moral support, as he is not actually someone who has been trained to help people like you.

I would not subject myself to a church court if I were you. If you want to talk to the bishop, fine - but you do NOT need to subject yourself to a "Court of Love". If they want to ex you they can do it without you sitting there and being grilled.

You do NOT have to have a religion or even a belief in god to be a good person. I think that reaction has to do with putting your faith and trust in an institution that has really abused it - it's hard to trust again and you should not feel like you have to in order to be ok. Just stop going to church - instead of sitting there for 3 hours - go somewhere you can feel at rest - a walk, the mountains, a stream, the ocean - or listen to music that soothes you.

You're going through a grief process, and it's ok to feel the way you feel. Just focus on what is important to you right now, your own mental health, your kids, and your job.

Good luck.

Thanks for all the good advice. I actually am seeing a non-Mormon counselor but will go to an ex-Mormon counselor if I think I need to. Unfortunately I already sent him the email that you all saw. I did put it into password encrypted file so that his wife or kids wouldn't be able to open it. That's not to say that it can't spread other ways, but what's done is done.

Also I'm not going to any "Court of Love". I'm done taking the self righteous abuse. I sent one more email to my bishop with the Resignation of membership letter that I sent. Technically by tomorrow I won't be a member anymore. I've asked not to be contacted anymore except to receive a letter indicating that my membership has been removed.

What's so sad (and good I guess) is the HUGE epiphany I had today. Why didn't I see these things and take action years ago.

I don't know what to feel anymore. I'll I'm positive of is that I want out and I want out now. I feel like I've been in prison for the last forty years and tomorrow I get out.

That's the spirit!

I believe you need to resign by sending the resignation to Salt Lake, just to make sure that the bishop does not delay.

Best wishes.

I believe if you send a resignation letter to Salt Lake they will just forward it to the bishop.

Either way I'm done talking to anyone in any of "The Church" leadership. I won't give them even one ounce of power ever again.

Well done!

is not what it claims to be, I hope you can reject the judgement you have heaped upon yourself.

It sounds like you are a hard-working, courageous and loving person, and conscientious to a fault. Now it's time to take care of yourself and heal.

Sometimes when things are at their darkest, you have to develop a faith in *yourself* that you can get through it. I think that starts with a feeling of kindliness to yourself. It's almost like you step outside of yourself for a bit, and see yourself the way a kindly friend would see you -- as someone who is loving and worthy of being loved, who is hard working and always tries his best, who has already fought through and triumphed over some impossibly tough things. The love that you feel for your children -- try to feel that same sense of tenderness and protection toward yourself. You deserve that.

Sometimes when I'm feeling down (and I'm by myself) I'll say little encouraging things to myself, like, "you did a really good job with that," or "okay, this is a bit of a mess, but I'll figure it out."

This would be a good time to seek, and focus on, anything that increases feelings of peacefulness and well-being. Immerse yourself in nature. Go into the mountains, or to the shore, or the forest. Make friends with quietude. Empty your mind. I can see that it is roiling for you, and I think it would be helpful if you could just dump all of your thoughts for a period of time.

Physical activity can also help to regulate the mind. It also sends a powerful message to your mind that you know that you are important and that you want to take care of yourself. Take a brisk walk, or a long ramble. Go for a hike. Stetch or do yoga. Go for a swim. Use this time to empty your mind. Air it out. Let it breathe.

You do not need to be perfect. There is extreme beauty in imperfection. It is the way of nature. You are wonderful just as you are.

I agree with summer. Exercise your bod!

Get outside in fresh air nature whenever you can. Walking and hiking are really good to think about stuff, or just to soothe your nerves. Yoga and meditation are very relaxing.

As H.D. Thoreau was fond of saying, "Simplify!".

Resigning was the best gift you could have given yourself. That's worthy of a mini celebration right there.

I skipped my church court. Best decision of my life. Wonder how it turned out? Hopefully I was found guilty, because I would really hate to be on their roles.

On the other hand, the church has no idea where I live now, so I don't mind the idea that I am really screwing up some Elder Quorums home teaching statistics.

Hi Lostandalone
Please don't think I am trying to be harsh, or belittle your feelings
I just think you need to understand this.....

you have handed power to your bishop, and I doubt if he is qualified to deal with your emotional stress.
He now knows more about your personal situation than he is entitled to (maybe us here, too.... but we don't know you in real life, and we will not judge you on it)

In my estimation, the bishop will assume that you have 'sinned' - and the doubts you have are simply a way of trying to justify that sin.
the first part of your letter (confession) gives him justification to ignore the rest of it.

I may be wrong. I know there are some good, decent bishops... I even have experience of one, myself.... but I am glad that you have included the update in your last post that you wont be going to any 'court of love'... they have no power over you, so don't give them any

I agree with what you say. I do regret sending the email to my Bishop and I completely agree that anyone that reads the email (inside of the church) will think leaving the church is just my way of escaping the consequences.

I've deidentified the email that I posted in this forum so I don't feel like I've shared more than I should have here.

I know the truth now. It's like a light has come on in my head and for those matrix fans, I've taken the red pill. I've been having these feelings my whole life and even though I was afraid to finally walk through the door. I see that it's beautiful on the other side even though "the church" has always taught me differently.

They will have no power over me again. I've sent my paperwork in to have my "name removed" and I'm not going to give them or anyone else any power over me. I'm not sure where I'm going to go from here, but I'm feel like I'm finally free to use my free will.

I think that under the circumstances, you are doing an emotionally healthy thing. You are standing up for yourself. You are saying that you are a worthy individual just the way you are. You are acting in a loving way toward yourself.

You said (below) that you are forty years old. That is such a wonderful age for a change of direction and a fresh start. You are old enough to know your own mind, and young enough to have many years of new, refreshed living ahead of you.

You will be okay. You will be more than okay. There may be a few bumps in the road as you transition over, but the ride will be worth it.

I like the red pill analogy. Very befitting. I wish you good lucky, my friend. You've been through so much and I truly hope your heart will heal.

The mormon church isn't a healthy place for you. I'm sorry that they're not equiped to offer solace or support to individual members, but that's the unfortuate reality.

Take care.

You feel as if you've lost everything, when in fact you've gained much. It just doesn't feel like it yet. You are now in your skin, feeling your emotions, thinking your own thoughts. THAT'S HUGE!! No wonder it's a floodgate at this point. Forty years of repression is a lot.

That relationship with your children is also huge. I ultimately would have ruined my relationships if I'd stayed on the TBM path, because I was trying to force them into a mold that was ill-fitting (for the sake of their eternal souls). What a crock! When I saw TSCC for what it was, I was then free to see me for who I was. All of my relationships improved as a result. It took time, though.

Don't start out saying you sinned and then bring up historical problems of the church. Stick with one topic or the other. He won't even look at anything else once you say you had sex. The other things will just look like excuses to sin.

I agree and actually I really wish I hadn't sent the email. I hope you read my last comment on this topic. Hopefully that will help him understand. If not, well...Oh Well :/

For those of you following this topic I thought I would give you and update. I finally heard back from "my bishop". He was very kind and bore his testimony to me. Here is my reply.

***********************************************************

I appreciate your testimony Bishop and I feel like that you believe every word of it. I admire that. A true man should stand up for what they believe. I won't close the door on our friendship, but I would appreciate some space for awhile. I know you probably think that my actions are the result of "my sin" and maybe you think I don't want to face things (that's what I would think in your shoes). I assure you that's not the case.

This has been a long time coming. I've questioned the church all my life. To me there are so many things that never added up. After I sent you that email, I asked myself. "if I went to a church court and they said they would do nothing to me if I would just start "living righteously" again, would I want that?" The answer was an absolute no! I needed answers and I wouldn't want a "fresh start" on a foundation where I had to repress my thoughts and feelings.

Although it might appear to you that I made my decision in haste, again that is not the case. I've been at the door to leave the church for quite some time. I just never looked through it. Well I went through the door (and it was scary as hell doing it) and spent hours and hours researching the truth. I have to say that it's true that "the truth will set you free". I won't bother telling you anymore because I'm not looking for any contention. As I said, I feel like you believe every word of your testimony and I wouldn't want to try and convince you otherwise. If that brings you happiness, why would I want to try and destroy that. I would just like that same respect.

The church simply has never brought me happiness. It never will either (especially with what I've learned). Honestly I feel like I've been violated by "the church". I feel like I've wasted my entire live to this point. It simply isn't what it pretends to be. That honestly what I believe and I won't apologize for it. I don't think I'll ever be able to believe in any church. I feel like my entire foundation has been a lie. At the same time, I feel free. I feel like I'm able to just be me, and more important, be happy being me. Until the last few months I don't know that I've ever just been happy being me (and it's still a work in progress). I've been dealt a horrible blow, but I'm working on getting my feet under me again. I focusing on my kids and my job. I'm finally HAPPY! (that's a pretty dank big deal)

I might have sinned in the eyes of "the church", but I'm not out sleeping around, and I don't have the "eat, drink, and be marry" attitude. I don't regret what I did in the least. I would do it again in the same situation. If I had any kind of testimony I would have no problem facing a "church court". I mean think about it, really I don't have much more I can lose. I've lost everything and I'm starting completely over at forty. If I were to be excommunicated, I would just do my best to work my way back into "the church". It's not like I would feel any more humiliated than I already do after the things I've gone through over the last 10 years. It would be an opportunity to have a fresh start and in the end a clean slate. What person with a testimony wouldn't jump at that chance (I'm not an idiot).

I read somewhere "If a supernatural being is angry with me for taking responsibility for my self then I don't think they're all that super". Well I'm not "the church's" problem any more. I know that you don't believe this, but life is actually not the hell you think when you're honest with yourself and follow your heart. You may not think that's what I'm doing, but we'll have to just agree to disagree.

I do hope the best for you bishop. You are a wonderful person and I do feel like you truly love and care about me. I really do appreciate that more than you know, and I'm thankful for you and people like you. I don't hate "the church", because I know that good people like you really do believe in it and I would never want to sway them out of their happiness. It just hasn't been and never will be for me, and I'm asking for you as a friend to simply accept that.

Thank again,

Be advised though that your letter in which you admit to having extra-marital sex is grounds for excommunication or at least a church court— especially because you refuse to see it as sin and repent. If yer OK with that then I guess it's not big deal.

If you are not I'd 1) stop sharing personally things that LDS see as sin with the powers that be 2) resign or at least have a resignation letter ready for at a moments notice.

I personally don't think these guys have any real authority over me and don't intend to give them anything they can use to think they do.

My .02

my papers have already been sent. I'm out.

Member Records Division, LDS Church
50 E North Temple Rm 1372
SLC UT 84150-5310

LDS Membership Records:

After considerable time and thought, I am requesting now to please remove my name- XXXXXXXX- from the records of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; notwithstanding the time required to process, my resignation is effective immediately (09 December 2011). Further contact is unnecessary. Thank you.

Kindly,

Name
Date of Birth
Address


I don't want to validate their authority or make them think there's a fixable or reason applicable to them by telling them why. It's not their business. I don't want my bishop to read my letter and visit to say "I'm sorry" or any other bs. If he wants to visit I'll kindly explain it but I don't think I'll volunteer it unless he cares enough to ask, which I don't think will be the case 95% of the time.

If they know you're intent on leaving and they can't do anything to stop it the amount they care drops to zero, so that's telling enough for me to not waste a single sentence or emotionally invest in my resignation letter.

Thanks for posting that.

I can definitely relate to everything you said in that email.

I had so many conflicting thoughts when I was working myself through the church.

It's been about 4 years since I was in a similar situation (well, you've been through much worse honestly in regards to dealing with molestation in your home)...but similar in the sense that you are saying that you are convinced that you are in 'Satan's Clutches' and those types of things.

Just keep sticking to your guns. You'll be just fine and believe me..it gets SOOOOO much better. You're going to be a lot happier in the future.

I meant to say..that you are *not convinced that you are in Satan's clutches.

It just doesn't ring true does it?

My friend, you are so humble about your situation.
You are more wiser than me.

I was super word of wisdom and moralistic rightous awaiting
re-baptism approval follow up from when I worked overseas, then returned to australia after contract finished.

When feeling of the so called spirit I wandered into the bishops office, called in, and was attacked and terminated from attending and never knew the reason to now almost 7 years later.

Gossip reached his ears yet he lied and said it was revelation from god to remove me, that broke up my wife and family.

My family for years had come under racial attack from enemy political mormons, some who held positions, and I blew the whistle to some members, who I had been frammed as involved myself but was incocent. The letter I gave them went straight to the bishop and I was branded an apostate for exposing as epesians of the bibles says deceptions in the church, but instead I was thrown out in the cold.. These racist mormons boasted of their morality in marrige but had led through their political acts some to suicide and continued death threats to those who crossed their path and disagreed with their Brigham Youngs racist point of views...

Murder was the greater sin. Yet I myself activated in my criminal brain with anger and rage wanted to murder the bishop
but chose not to, tho close to it. After he came to know about his life under threat, I was called for inteview by the new bishop while he went onto stake president, and invited back to church only to sacrament on condition that I make no further threats and protect the image of the church..

No apology from the abuse the church gave me that was the final straw that broke my marrige. I was told I'de be back in the church long ago if I had not reacted with murder in my viens.
I wasnt even allowed to step a foot in the church for almost 7 years so how could I ever got back even if totally rightous.

I went mad, sinned, got a woman pregnent and had a prophecy child that was promised to me in lds marrige but it happened out of wedlock instead..

One stake leadership told me to knock it on the head and try restore my marrige and the other was all for me getting out of sin and marry and take this woman and child and be sealed in the temple...

contractions and complications...
Same with re-approval baptism in one country then denied back
in my own country a short time later. I was even told by the leader overseas the devil would try to rob my self-esteem and worth and stop me comming back into the church, and sure enough the very bishop called stopped me himself.
The trouble is the lds church.

After I was out of it, suffered hallicinations by the mothman demon that stranged me numours times around my thoat until I called out the blood of christ to have him depart, as not have the priesthood.. NOtice the blood of christ is less importance than the priesthood..

It is the masonary priesthood, that is a power that will crush you if on the wrong side of fence, nor can question it...

The blood of jesus was an answer for true power to escape the mormon destroying angel, demonic spirit that goes after those who cant shake shame, confusion, fear..

I finally found escape tho sad to lost all that intimacy with my wife, and tho found it with another, I am now trying to restore it with my wife, and somehow stay in contact with my child and the mother overseas tho if there was such thing as poligamy I would choose them both....

No answer to my dilemia just choice for better or worse..

My friend, it maybe true that relegion that suppresses not to be able to question and think for oneself or come and reason together in christ as the bible says, and trust in the word rather than on fuzzy feel good feelings to have testimony of christ and gospel, then that is a dangerous relegion and possibily a cult to the max..

I dont know for sure but the moralistic push in mormonism does not make a true christian... They just dont care enough and only want to protect the image of the church at any cost.

suicide by one leader I knew driven by the stake pres that he served under as councilor came to me before he died and told me that he believed the lds church was false and that the stake president at the time was a power monger. It was the son of this stake president that carried on tradition of his fathers hunger for power that terminated me attending church, even preached going after the one lost sheep and yet cast me out
to hell and didnt care to protect the gosspers..

the church is filled with monsters, not a christians bootlace and that is why many lds end up nothing by rejecting all relegions afterward because they have not accepted grace is sufficient....

You are a good person.. you have the choice now to be athiest or accept a grace relegion or if not christian buddhist.

But one thing for sure, christians catch th fish first and christ cleans them... thats grace.

mormons clean the fish first and the devil catches them...

My mormon wife is very good moralistic person a true saint
and loving forgiving wife, but its still hard to even attend
knowing that most people and gossipers want to break our marrige to bits judging me as not good enough for her and maybe I am not, but knowing what I know now, I would choose from the beginning a love/passion marrige that works rather than sacrifice it all for the power and glory of the church to marry for moral sake where jesus is everywhere even in the bedroom.

Keep jesus out of the bedroom. Your private life is your own godhood creative power, even tho from diety, dont let the lds church or any relegion come between your passionate love life and who you choose...

I only returned to my present wife because her love and forgiveness overpowered the sexual passion of the other, mother of my child, tho both extremely attractive woman, the compatibility with the other is greater however being in anothe country and to demanding fiancially led to suspcions that without money there is no future save it be provide for my child there.. My present wife demands no money.

If you want a passionate sex life filled with spendor expect to pay for it and be a slave to it, tho happy until the money runs out then passion, romance flys out of the window so choose wisely expecially at age 40 plus.

Larry..