Okay, hi everyone, I've posted a few times on here and generally lurked for the last few years.

I'm am officially still a member of the COJOLDS, the only member in my family I converted aged 18. My fiance's mom is also LDS, she converted 10 years or more before I met her and I converted before meeting my fiance or her, I in fact met him at work 8 years ago.

Anyhow, my fiance is best described as agnostic unless golf can be classed as a religion - he is in fact just in the final weeks of being Captain at his club - between his golf, family issues (disabilities) and life getting in the way, we have yet to get married, but it is our intention to one day in the future.


For various reasons, principally because of the influence of the church we did not live together up until we discovered we were expecting a baby (who was born one month ago). I've not been at church for almost a year (that's a whole other story in itself), suddenly though the RS pres has been in touch etc.

It lead me to think and consider my position even more and in reading various articles (including Pres Paternoster's blog) I am lead to believe that whilst being a single LDS mom (whether active or not) isn't liked but is tolerated, the fact that I actually have a partner to love and support me and my son is straight down the line an excommunicable offence.

Is this the case? I don't want to resign due to the family link with my partner's mom, but at the same time I do not want to be dragged before a bishop's court and told my choices in raising my son rather than givng him up to either the government or lds family services is wholly immoral. Does anyone have any experience of this? Will they simply leave me 'on the books' provided I make no contact with them or will they take an active interest and commence 'Court of Love' proceedings?

Your thoughts would be most welcome!

Ax

Don't let them guilt you into giving up your baby. One of my daughter's friends ended up giving her's up to LDS SS and has never been the same since. I don't know if they disfellowshipped her or not.

I'm sure you will get a lot of advice. Probably the best thing to do would be sure you have a resignation letter ready to hand them in case they call a church court--OR just go ahead and resign. You need to protect yourself and your baby and not worry about the boyfriend's mother.

My ex is gay and he left me 16 years ago. They never did ex him. We finally resigned last year. (I can be ex'd now, too.) I didn't plan on doing it, but I was weary of everyone telling me I still believed, so I did it to make a statement.

Get Out!

I would try to find out what the RS pres intends by contacting you. You might ask her to lunch or something. If she is trying to reactivate you you could be vague and let her know you are doing just fine without the church and are a member in name only to keep peace in the family. If she implies that you might be subject to love bombing or suggest that there are better options for you child (ie LDS Social Services) or that there might be disciplinary actions you could ask "what purpose other than pushing you totally away from the church that would serve?" and maybe even suggest if that happens you would surley go to the press and expose their un-Christlike treatment.

to garner gossip to "help" the target of the lovebombing and/or scrape together evidence for a court of love. Those courts almost always end in humiliation and excommunication.

They have initiated contact with YOU. You don't want to be involved. You have no obligation to give them ANY information about your life, your child, your intentions. Any information you DO give them will not be held confidential.

Ignore them or tell them you are done. I would resign, because that will create a stronger boundary and let them know that you are serious about not going back.

Why would anyone want mormon church people in official planning meetings gossiping and judging thir situation?

Resigning is the only way to avoid possible/likely excommunication court against you. I would think that wouldn't go over well with the very people you don't want to offend by resigning.

I would think a resignation would be much less stressfull and damaging than being hounded by people assigned to get you back after long strategy and judging sessions in committee meetings in the ward and stake.

These people only have the power you give them. Don't give them any.

If you dont' feel strong enough to tell them to take a hike by resigning then just ignore their requests for a meeting, don't return phone calls, etc.

Whether or not they pursue a "court of luv" will depend on the zealousness of the local leadership.

Resigning takes away that power.

My advice is to keep the LDS Church out of your life if that is what you want.

There is no obligation to answer the phone, or the door -- ever. Your life is your business not theirs.

You are under no obligation to discuss any part of your life with anyone from the LDS Church.

If they choose to excommunicate you, there is not much you can do. If it comes up (must be delivered in a letter) then you can resign your membership (by email if you want) and be done with it.

There is no need to make any decisions.

This is your life. You life it how you want.

Hang in there!

Congrats on the new baby! You have your hands full.

I think it's highly unlikely that they will excommunicate you. The only reason a court will convene is if you go to the bishop and start confessing things - even with you obviously being pregnant. Where you have not been attending church and presumably haven't been through the temple it's unlikely they are going to do anything.

Also where you are engaged I think it's highly unlikely that you will get any pressure to give up the baby for adoption.

My guess is that the relief society president is just coming by to check in on you and attempt to "reactivate" you. Depending on what she is like she very well legitimately be coming to see if she can help and support you.

How can you allow anyone to worry you about what you know is best. Who cares if his mom is LDS. So what? IF you don't wish to be LDS get the heck out. And raise your child in peace. You don't want this nonsense affecting your child do you? You will be hounded nonstop so put a stop to it NOW. They want that baby if not you. Tell them all to take a hike.

They want the child. Got to raise the child in the right church don’t ya know! Guess what comes to church if they guilt you into getting the child to church “because it’s the right thing to do” in a believers mind. You! If you have the child blessed at church it will have records at the LDS church FOREVER!

You may resign but they will come for the child eventually using multiple insidious ways. Do not take the child to be blessed no matter what. Resign. Let your MIL live her own dang life.

Make the choice now to do what is the best for you, your child and your fiancé----and no one else. Period. This is Your new family unit. Protect it, lovingly from "marauders". No decision for YOUR family should revolve around what is best for your partner's mom-or anyone else out of the nucleus.

Give this gift of an honest open life to your children. Put your interests and theirs first. Just like on the airplane, put your own masks on securely and then your child's.

1) According to the church, you are living in sin - and that is grounds for excommunication whether or not you appear at the Bishop's Court.

2) If you haven't been to church for a year, and do not think they have any authority over you, I'm not sure why you would even talk to anyone in the church about what you should do with your baby or your relationship to the baby's father. It sounds like you are in a good place emotionally - why would you listen to people that you KNOW will condemn you?

3) As far as your boyfriend's mother - if you resign, why do you have to even tell her? Does she ask you all the time if you are still Mormon? If you resign, you do not have to go around telling everyone you know - as far as I'm concerned that's a personal and private decision. The only person who you would need to discuss that with would be your boyfriend.

I think they just want to reactivate you not ex you. Especially since you are a convert and made no temple covenants.

It has been said before.
the only power the church has, is what you allow it to have

the complicating factor is that you want to maintain a relationship with your potential MIL..........well, I assume she knows that she has a grandchild and understands the ramifications of that........ therefore she knows that you are potentially excommunicable.

my advice is dont give the RS pres any information other than what she already knows (from fiance's mum?).
Be clear about what you want her to know and what you dont want her to know, and tell her straight out if you think she asking 'personal' or inappropriate questions.

at the end of the day, they may decide to ex you, but just let fiance's mum know that it was not at your insistence, and that your feelings towards the church are not going to affect your relationship with her.

good luck



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/21/2011 08:25AM by EssexExMo.

You know what everyone, you're all correct!

I hadn't even considered that their recent approaches to me were anything to do with my son, (rather naive of me I know). That thought, the thought that some day he might go out to the mission field - eurgh no, it's not happening.

I can't understand how anyone could send their child willingly out on mission, I know too many people these last few years who've ended up in less than ideal countries and areas, even missionaries serving in my own city have stuck with the undesirable areas of the city (i.e. the places where they are guaranteed to find individuals in the home during the day and individuals who require some sort of help that gets them 'hooked').

[I don't know what it's like in other areas and countries, but certainly we've seen a massive increase in converts the more the recession has gone on and the more time the missionaries are spending in areas of deprivation.]

No, no, no, no, I wouldn't want my son even now at one month old, I know I wouldn't want my son in that situation, not for anything at all.

I think my Christmas present to him this year will be my resignation - I'm not willing to be ex'd, and certainly not willing to face a church court (I already have a few years ago), and certainly not over my beautiful baby boy.

Thanks all - I'm going to go draft my resignation tonight.

Ax

After all, it's his mother you're trying not to freak out. If you want to have a good marriage, you work these things out together.