When I was four, I was molested several times by my TBM father and then several times when I was 7 1/2.

I went to counselling and confronted him. Of course he said it was "my fault". He intimated that he had done something to my
sister's oldest daughter.

I eventually told my sister about this and her comment was "get over it.....move on" She had nothing else to say except she wasn't telling her husband who is in the Stake presidency.

Four years ago after my parents were both dead, I found out that my father had molested one of my sons several times and was the person who raped my oldest son when he was 2 1/2 (he is now 41). It was so violent that I spent eight days in the hospital with him not knowing what had happened and who had done this. My son had never forgotten, he just waited to tell me after my father was dead because he was afraid I might kill him. I was horrified. what do you do when you want to kill someone who is already dead?

When I told my sister about this, she said, again that she wasn't telling her husband who is now the stake president. I have not spoken to her since and both my son who was raped and I have removed our names from the records of the church.
The other son is gay. I have two other children and I have asked if they remember anything happening to them. They said "no" but I wonder if they are telling the truth or just trying to spare me from knowing.

Here is my dilemma; my father was active and going to the temple and he always
pictured me to others as the family "screwup".

I say that my father is a pedafile (sp?). My son asked me why I didn't protect him.

I told him that when this happened (almost 40 years ago), I never knew that men did this to boys. I hadn't even dealt with my own abuse.

I want to write a letter to my sister's husband and tell him the things That have been going on. My son thinks it's a fools errand.

So I would like to know what the people on this board think

That is a terrible story. I am genuinely sorry for you and your family members.

What are you trying to accomplish by telling the stake president BIL this?

Are you thinking he will intercede and get help for his daughter that was molested by your father? Is this daughter now an adult?

If the daughter is now an adult, I wouldn't tell the SP BIL. It's now none of his business.

If she's a child, you should probably tell him but do so by saying the least possible that you can. "He molested me. He molested my son. He raped my son. He told me he molested your daughter. I told my sister. Now I'm telling you."

Also, prepare yourself for the end of your sisterly relationship if you involve her hubby.

Good luck.

I think you might consider talking to a really good non-Mo therapist before doing anything, even though you've already gone to a counsellor. These kinds of issues are HUGE and affect lives in profound ways, as you well know. A good therapist can help you deal with it. My niece was molested by a non-family member and has been going to therapy and swears by it. But telling your BIL is premature. I think you should respect your sister's wishes, there may be things you don't know that she does. A good therapist can walk with you through all this and then you can decide what's appropriate. You are wanting to clear your own name maybe, but it will put you in an even worse position with them and probably shut down any hopes at helping your sister in the future. She's obviously in denial right now.

If your motivation has to do with anything beyond getting psychological care for the still minor child who was molested, don't do it. He's dead. Can't do it any longer. Pointless.

But it is a big step and you should have additional insight on your decision from a trained professional.

Why doesn't your sister want her husband to know?Will she talk to you about it? Would he blame the child and treat her as damaged goods? If that is the case, maybe it is better that he not know. I don't know the answer, but I would think about it and get some advice.

My niece is grown and it will be her place to tell if indeed my dad was right.

My purpose for wanting to tell him is that my father had painted a miserable picture of my family to the BIL I have always felt unfairly judged by him as he is operating on

It was pretty much the good being called bad and the bad being called good.

my sister who was so "offended" by my son being gay yet when I told her about all of this had little empathy for what we were all dealing with. We haven't spoken for over a year.

It sounds vengeful, and I don't blame you one bit for feeling that way. Set the record straight.

But really, talk to a therapist first. It may be that you can work through it and not give a rip about what they think, or maybe telling him is the right thing, but talk it over first.

Your other option is to call your sister, if she'll talk to you, and tell her you're going to set the record straight unless she wants to give you another option. That might prove interesting...

I don't want to tell him about his daughter. She is over 30 now.
He still thinks my dad was wonderful and has absolutely no
contact with my kids.

I guess I have confused people.

I would like to see my own kids situation heard. I feel that my
sister is always trying to hide stuff. She didn't want her kids
to know that our dad had smoked. She didn't want them to know
(they are all in their thirties and late 20's) that my one son was gay. I feel so dismissed by her.

Your kids' situation has been heard. By you. You're the one who matters.

Who cares if she lied to her kids to make them think your father was not a smoker, or hid the fact that your son is gay? She's warped. No letter from you is going to straighten her out, or undo whatever warping she's caused HER kids. Also, there's nothing you can do or say that will get her to change, admit wrongdoing, or give you the comfort you are wishing for from a sister.

The best thing you can do for yourself, and for your kids, is to cut this toxic family out of your life. Stand up for your kids and say to them "I'm not supporting or acknowledging a "family" member who refused to support or acknowledge the truth about me/us" Sacrifice your family ties for their well being, put them first, show them that relationships with people like your sister are not the ones they should be chasing anyway.

I understand why you would like her to know, but is it really going to accomplish anything? She may not even believe you and that might make you feel worse. Maybe you just let her go.You will need to decide for yourslef, but I would see a therapist and think it through

you are right. Like my son said, it's a fools errand. I think
I will say nothing to anyone and work at building a better
life for us and move on. I think when I'm ready, I'll go back to a therapist.

Send him an anomimus letter asking the same thing without useing names and give some way to reply. If he says you should tell the guy then give your name.

Ah - very clever, I like it, but not sure I would do it. :)

Brandy, I'm willing to bet that you weren't the only sibling who was molested by daddy dearest. Your sister isn't willing or able to face it yet, if ever.

I'm so sorry. What a tragic story.

My opinion and advice might sound blunt and harsh, but I am saying it only out of kindness and concern for your well being, and for your kids' too.

Do not continue to push it with your sister, do not write her husband. If your sister experienced it and opted not to confront it, it is her problem, not yours. If the church refused to protect you while your father was alive, there's nothing your sister's husband can do. Keep in mind, we're talking about lay clergy, so he can't even help with comfort and coping.

Your father did a horrible thing, and you and your son have lived with it for a long time. You have to stop keeping that part of the process alive, and shift into acceptance and coping with your lives as victims of horrible abuse. That is a long and personal process you will both have to go through. But your sister validating your experience will not help you. It might not hurt, but it won't help.

I know in life we tend to focus on the small victories when our minds just can't process the pain of sorting out the war and ensuing battle wounds. I think focusing on your sister and her husband is a symptom of this. It seems like a quick fix, maybe a valve to release anger, maybe there's hope that validation will make the damage go away. It won't. Your sister is wrong and heartless for not supporting you then, and if I was in the situation, I would probably cut ties or distance myself from them. Anybody who has been the victim of abuse, specifically routine and secret abuse, ends up growing up with a need for validation in general (at least this is what a good shrink once told me, and once he did, all the dots in my life seemed to connect). I can understand why you feel the need to contact them, but you need to not. You need time, space and distance from them. You need to work on yourself, and so does your son. There's no amount of validation from your sister or her husband that will cure the result of what you have been through. And their constant refusal to even indulge you in the topic is just deepening your wounds.

Take care of yourself, find support, write your sister and stake pres bil off.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/26/2011 10:38PM by wittyname.

Start with your sister and her family and continue to remove from your lives anyone who treats you like them. It is not uncommon for one child in a family to be the scapegoat, and it sound like you were elected, but it's not likely that anything you say or do will change matters.

If it were me (and yes, I've removed toxic family members from my life) I would simply refuse to speak to or otherwise communicate with those people. Remove their names from your e-mail address book and either block them or set up your filters so their mail will go to spam. Block their phone number. Block them from Facebook and make your settings on Facebook private. If, and only if, they come to you and ask what's wrong, tell them that you feel belittled and demeaned by them and you've choosen to not be around that sort of negativity.

You can't change your sister's mind or anyone else's. They're still caught up in trying to convince themselves that they are the righteous, holy ones and they can't let them see anything that might have been wrong.

So protect yourself, suggest to your children that they protect themselves (since they're adults), and yes, get therapy. It's very helpful to find a neutral, non-judgemental person to work through this sort of long term pain with.

He might say, "Gee, that's horrible, but you can find comfort and forgiveness if you'd just embrace the gospel, like your sister has. See, she's fine."

And he might say she's being 'anti-mormon' and just trying to smear the reputation of a 'good member.' I doubt if he'd believe her, she being the 'black sheep' of the family and all.

...I think it unlikely that anything you say to your BIL would sway his opinion of your father. Instead it would likely blow back onto you and your family (once again.) Your BIL would think that you were making up stories and disparaging your father's "good name."

Leave them to themselves. You do not need to impress these people. I would keep them at a distance, communicating and/or socializing only the bare minimum (if you can manage that much.)

If you think you can have a more positive relationship with your nieces and nephews, that might be worth a try. Apart from that, work on maintaining positive mental health and relationships in your own nuclear family.

While your Dad was still kicking, you definetly should have told all with kids who would listen, about his crimes, but it just seems that you would like your BIL to think higher of You and your family than he does. Why do you care? I have many BILs and SILs and I could give a rat's ass what they think of me. I don't want to play shade tree therapist, but is he becoming the new "daddy" figure in your mind?

I agree with another poster, that if your dad molested your son and one of her daughters, then he probably molested your sister, and more of her kids too.

Therapy for you.

p.s. I don't give a damn what some random Stake President prick thinks about your family,...you shouldn't either. Just do the best you can to help yourself and your son through this.

re-kill him but taking a screaming shit on his grave might be cathartic.