Next time you're in The Lord's City-by-the-Great-Salt-Lake, please don't forget to visit The Mall of The Lord at City Creek and make many major purchases there. Your tithing money went to build those wonderful edifices, along with the diligent sacrifice of so many of the Lord's faithful - it is truly a Mall of the Lord - a Celestial Paradise of Holy Commerce truly worthy of an eternity of Melchizedek Priesthood Blessings that will fully encompass Health in the Nordstrom, Marrow in the Brookstone, Strength in The Limited and in the Saks Fifth Avenue. Power in the Priesthood be upon Macy's and upon JCPenney, for time and throughout all eternity, Amen.

As you enter The Lord's Mall, you will find yourself at the Curtain of Commerce, where you must submit to ritual cleansing and instruction via a bad movie, and later must approach the Curtain and provide your Shopper's Name, together with some sacred tokens which you will be taught - each with an associated name and penalty. Prior to full entry into the Holy Halls of Celestial Consumerism, you as a Mall Patron must also embrace Mall Workers with the Five Points of Celestial Commerce, whereby two hands are in your front pocket, two hands are in your back pocket, your wallet is taken, emptied of cash and plastic, and returned empty to your mouth via a fifth hand - in accordance with your covenant to spend all of your present and future shopping dollars exclusively in The Mall of The Lord. Of course, these are but a few highlights of the eternal lessons and covenants you will be learning in the Mall of the Lord - the fulness will be revealed to you only in the Mall.

Once you are finished shopping for yourself, you must then regularly return and shop in proxy for all of your dead ancestors as well, so that they too may realize the full blessings of the Sacred Mall of the Lord, that they may as well fully receive the commercial blessings though they weren't alive to partake for themselves.

Oh, and don't forget to listen to your city's Bonneville stations on your radio. If you're ever in Chicago, that station would be 97.3 The Drive - Classic Rock complete with "I'm a Mormon" ads. Once construction of the Mall of the Lord is complete, and it has been fully dedicated to the Glory of Global Capitalism, expect to hear a bunch of nationwide messages in support of the Gathering of the Saints to Shop at City Creek on these Bonneville stations.

Yes, much as Sears Holdings finds itself in need of closing some unprofitable Sears and KMart stores after disappointing holiday sales, I must also close some of the less profitable McTemples that were built under my Profit Hinckley in order to provide sufficient funding for the completion of The Mall of The Lord. A closure list will be provided shortly, and those temple workers left without callings following these closures will be assigned stake center janitorial duties, since they failed to bring the required quota of temple patrons in on our Mandatory Ward Nights.

We will also be outsourcing Temple Cafeteria service to Aramark, and consolidating global Garment-making to three Chinese sweatshops.

We appreciate your patience and understanding as we cope with this downward trend in tithing receipts and temple recommend issuances. We shall soon announce construction of new temples in areas where the gold jewelry and dental crown statistics are highest, so that we can fully offset these deficits through sacrificial donations of these gold items by the local membership.

Elohim, baby!! Great to hear from you! It's been a while.....QUITE a while. While you're visiting, could you maybe whisper into the ear of your Holy Annointed Mouthpiece And Official Speshul Secret Sacred President Prophet so he can give us a new revelation? I mean, what with December 2012 coming up and all.......;)
P.S. Thanks for giving us the Great And Spacious Mall. Too bad I live in California.......

dine at the Outback Stake Center and patronize Victoria's Sacred.

bow your heads and say: Charge It !

Thank you for reminding me of something, my beloved child guynoirprivateeye.

Regarding Provident Living and that whole conference talk of Elder Hales' a couple of years ago aka "We Can't Afford It" - NONE of that will apply in The Mall of The Lord. This is the one place where you should feel free to go into debt as needed to fulfill your covenants to go ye therefore and shop for yourselves and all your ancestry.

As I'm Elohim, I'm free to change my mind like that. It's the job of my paid spokespeople to let you know these things.

I've been reading "Wife No. 19" which is the story of Ann-Eliza Young ("the apostate wife of Brigham Young") and here's a story for ya.

BY loved theater. They started having plays in the "Social Hall" but BY wanted something better. So, he proposed the "Fun Hall" (later renamed Brigham's Theatre). Where to get the money?

They borrowed it from the TEMPLE FUND. Yes, those consecrated funds that the saints had donated to build this very important temple that would bring them the saving ordinances of the gospel.

So, the Hinkster was just following BY's example.

(Oh, BTW, if you want to see what an asshat BY was, then read this book.)