I know I'm a bit of a Pollyana - always thinking that people have good motives and honest intentions - and that's gotten me burned on more than one occasion. But there really are some people who are the opposite of me and who assume the worst in others in any situation. I'm guessing this is because we see the world not as it is, but as we are. So people who would behave badly in any given situation just assume others will behave just as badly in the same situation and won't listen to any explanations that contradict this point of view.

For example, one Christmas my sister got my MIL some folding chairs because MIL loves to host big family gatherings and she thought MIL would like to have extra chairs to scatter around. MIL thought my sister was insulting the chairs that were already available, insinuating they weren't good enough. So from this, I know my MIL is the kind of person who would get a present to insult someone - otherwise, why would she presume my sister would do it? It was a big insight into who my MIL was. By the same token, you can learn a lot about what a Mormon is really like by how they react to the things we do when we leave.

They get offended by simple things like coffee drinkers and someone who says "d@mn". So of course they assume we would be so offended by some silly slight that we'd leave the church. They assume because they are easily offended, everyone else is. Some Mormons only refrain from "sin" because of the fear of punishment from the church. If they were free of the church, they'd be sinning up a storm. So they assume when we leave, we'd be sinning a bunch too since that is what they'd do. Mormons are so judgmental of others that they go over-the-top to "avoid the appearance of evil" and to "set a good example" because they assume everyone is judging them and looking at them all the time. They take our innocent comments as a judgment rather than a point of view. Because in the same situation, their comments wouldn't be innocent at all but rather a judgment call on their part. Any attempts to explain ourselves to Mormons at all, fall on the deaf ears of people who already made up their minds. Those who can't visualize anything better. Most of them will never hear us, much less understand.

On the other hand, people who assume the best in others are telling you something about who they are. Maybe it's a little naive and silly sometimes but it's a more optimistic way to live. If some Mormon asked me what part of the church I couldn't live up to, I would say the relentless negativity. Looking for the worst in everyone and every situation is too much negativity for me and doesn't reflect who I am. I feel sorry for people who are burdened with such a poisoned outlook and I'm very grateful I escaped such a church where that sort of outlook is rampant.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/19/2011 06:01PM by CA girl.

In fact, I think that some are are incapable of moving on. I like to refer to this as the "snowball effect." Once the snowball begins to roll from the top of the slope, it picks us momentum and additional snow becomes attached to it as it continues to roll downhill.

At that point, all the person can do is to continue with the lie or gossip, and, if necessary, add to the original lie because it keeps the person engaged and others (insert your second-hand gossipers here), whom are not bright enough to realize it is gossip and move on themselves and keep promoting the lie and gossip. The originator of the lie can't stop the process. It just continues to roll forth.

I've lost a lot of trust in people over the years, I can't guess their motives.
Have had open discussions with people about how i see things, only for them to turn around and attempt to use that information against me.

Was on another board when some one asked why some ppl stay on these boards for long times.

Seemed like a sincere question, so I gave a sincere response.

He came back a couple days later, totally ridiculed my post, and told me I needed professional help.

My response was,-- Well, needless to say you can't use the "F"word anymore.

> Have had open discussions with people about how i
> see things, only for them to turn around and
> attempt to use that information against me.

I have this same problem with the people in my ward nowadays. Maybe I didn't notice this before when I was active - I do tend to give people more credit than they are often due. But I sure notice it now. I watch what I say and worry if I say something in jest, they will take it and use it as gossip against me. And the funny thing is, there are very few of my Mormon friends I still associate with. Mostly parents of kids who go to school with my kids. But even them, the Mormons I know the best, I watch what I do and say. And who wants to be friends with people you need to be an actor around.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/19/2011 07:04PM by CA girl.

Pessimism and curmudgeonly behavior are realism. Expect the worst and then feel good if the outcome is better.

"bookratt" took the words right out of my mouth about this issue.
Indeed.

Maybe not so much assuming the worst--maybe sometimes, people know that very often, things really are or can be worse?

Maybe the lady who got the chairs and was insulted, would not herself give gifts designed to embarass others, but has herself actually been on the receving end of a gift like that? Or has seen such things being done to others?

So she was leary, for whatever reason? Or perhaps she herself was ashamed about the state of her chairs, and was embarassed that someone else noticed their shabby or poor condition, or the fact that they were not suitable, too? So she inappropriately lashed out, to draw focus away from her own embarassment?

You are definitely right about how what someone else says and does reveals a great deal about who they are. I am just not sure I can say I always interpret what that is, correctly.

I am someone who always is waiting for the other shoe to drop, or the next bad news to hit the mailbox. When my phone rings, I am not always glad and do not always run to answer it. But to be fair, my life has not always been easy, and I grew up in a family full of drunks and hitters, cheaters in both business and marriage, who themselves grew up the same way.

Gifts and words were loaded, and loaded guns being used to make a point were terrifying holiday traditions.

So I think it really depends on what their experience is in life, and what yours is.

I wouldn't have flipped out about new chairs being given to me, unless I felt or knew that my chairs had been discussed behind my back and that someone had made fun of them, or whatever it may be that would actually be a trigger for me about chairs.

I feel sorry for that lady if she is always negative and pessimistic, and couldn't be okay with just graciously accepting the chairs. I call those people who know they are like that and do nothing to fix it or change it, Eeyores. Or Betty Bitters.

I don't know what to call someone who is like that and doesn't know she is, and doesn't know that is how everyone else sees her. Unevolved? Unaware?

I wouldn't worry about having no money when I retire as much as I do, if I hadn't been involved in both the S&L disaster and Enron personally. I wouldn't be scared and jump every time a door slams behind me, if I hadn't grown up in neighborhoods where that sound means Gunfire! Hit the floor! Or, OMG, he's back! Hide!

It's not up to us to fix other people. It's not up to you to fix her. But I only really tried to change myself and how I look at the world, when someone I trust and care about pointed out that I am not making my life all it can be, and that I might be happier or better off, trying something different.

I am working really hard on fixing myself. Getting there.

But I do feel sorry for people like her. She may truly just be a meanie. Or a really messed-up person.

It is annoying when people think the worst. Sometimes I avoid doing something that I think would be nice because I am afraid the recipient will take it the wrong way. My ex MIL was like that. She hosted Christmas breakfast every year (like it or not). She always had the same menu, waffles & ham. One year, I brought some pre-cooked bacon to add to the menu because it was a family favorite that we only had once in a while.

She got an angry tight-lipped look on her face (common for her) and the next thing I knew, as I was busy doing my assignment of setting the table, the bacon was coming out from her broiler, burned black! There was no apology or comment, she just smirked and said "Clever Pup" brought this and set it forth. She was very much a queen bee and took any suggestion or offer to help as an insult. She would alternate between becoming angry or hurt at every perceived slight. I don't miss being part of that family.