I am the oldest of six kids, and the first to be branded an apostate. Three years later I am very proud to be an apostate, where at least I know I'm free from LDS. That being said it has made the two siblings directly under me ultra TBM, and sibling number four is just starting to form his own opinion.

He is turning eighteen in a couple of weeks and has contacted me with questions about moving out because he does not want to serve a mission. My parents are TBM zealots and they seem to have gotten worse since I was a teen. They are not allowing him to take the SAT because he should be focusing on a mission. Sadly this sounds like something they would do (I was not allowed to have a date to the prom unless he was taking the discussions). He does not want to go on a mission and my parents will undoubtedly kick him out on the spot once he expresses this.

He wants to move out in a month or two -- before graduation. I told him to please "fake it till he makes it" and at least live with my parents till graduation and until college starts if he can stomach it for a couple months. I also told him he was welcome to come home to my husband and I for breaks and such since he will most likely be unwelcome at home. We will be paying for his SAT (It's only $50)

I want to help him, but i don't want him to start off his adult life on the wrong foot. How can I best help him?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/05/2012 08:46PM by chipsnsalsa.

Wow! Your parents are more extreme than mine! That is some serious tough love that they show. It's like if you choose differently they are like good luck and we are super disappointed with you. It's like they want you to see how hard and untrue the real world out there is and then you will come crawling back to them.

Your brother is still very young. I know that I was very immature at that age. I am glad you want to be there for him at this moment in his life. It's good that he has you to fall back onto because most likely it will be a huge struggle.

My advice for him is to get a job for now so he can learn more about the world and him having a job will take a lot off his mind post graduation. If I was him I would play along until he can get out and keep the mission thing up in the air with the parents.

Maybe have a talk with your parents saying that putting strain on someone so young can cause a lot of emotional pain and that when he gets a little older he may look back and have a lot of negative feelings towards them. Tell them that they should just encourage positive living and habits to ensure that he has a happy healthy life whatever he may choose.

Glad he has you for some support. I wish you the best and I will keep you in my thoughts.

this is what my parents did.
If you didn't go along with their plan, they would set you up for failure,so they could say: see told you, you couldn't do it without the church.

It's an artificial set up that destroys relationships. It also forces young adults to make bad decisions they wouldn't make otherwise. Why parents can't see the destructiveness of this idea boggles the mind.

There is a fine line between giving support and carrying someone. It sounds like you already know how to be there for him, but let him make his own way. It's nice to know someone has your back, but it's best when that's all they have.

I think you were right to tell him to stay home until he graduates. Tell him it's an opportunity to learn to handle a difficult situation, to really put some thought into how he wants to wrap up his time in his parents home in a way that he will be proud of later in life. Doing that well is a good transition to adulthood. That would constitute planning your life carefully, not just escaping.

it's going to suck.

but you will be worshipped for years to come.

Your parents are mean and unreasonable. No date for you unless the guy was taking the discussions??? Boy, that would have done it for me too. Support your brother in every way you can....moral and emotional support and for a short time some financial support. He is very young. He needs a helping hand since his parents could care less about him unless he takes on a mission. Help him secure a summer job if you can too.

Yes, have him tough it out til graduation at his parents home and then also tell him to hold his tongue and refuse to engage them in the guilt they will throw at him. They will have to "wonder" what is going on in his mind rather than deal with any backtalk etc. Just have him be civil and rather quiet around the home. He will survive and you can be proud he has you to bounce ideas off of and to vent to. Good luck. You are a good sibling.

Is there any way he can become unworthy of a mission call? Maybe he could get a tattoo or something. Or dye his hair.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/05/2012 10:44PM by suckafoo.

your a really nice sister. let your brother read this forum for strength. he should get a job, at least start part time college, mabey he could move in somewhere and have roomates. this way he won't be dependent, if all fails, like suckafoo says, get a tatoo, earring, come down with a disease

+1

You're giving your brother some great advice. I would ask him a lot of questions and if needed offer guidance in college selection, applications, financial aid, potential major field, career, etc.

Sounds like you're helping him in all the right ways. Your advice is very thoughtful and you're helping him take the SAT so he can progress toward college. I think its best to help him as secretly as you can so that your parents don't later shift the blame to you as a bad influence and further misrepresent you to others in the family. If he moves out or gets thrown out before graduation, the next best thing is to help him have as much emotional stability during those months before college. Because your parents will cause emotional disruptions that can negatively impact his transition into adult life. But it sounds like you're offering a soft place to hang out. Its pretty much what anyone needs. He's lucky to have that kind of support.

and enter into a life long contract with a religious organization, but if at some point that person (under the age of 18) decides to resign, suddenly they are treated like children who don't know what they're doing.

If you are considered old enough to make a major decision to join a Church at 8 years of age, then certainly by their own standards you have just as much right to decide to resign.

Mormons, if they could just follow their own damn rules. Hypocrites

We helped a young girl in the same situation. She faked it until she was away at college. If he can get away that far even if he signs up for institute and then drops once he is there it will make his life so much easier.

This girl was able to take the SAT and get into college. She found a job and was able to get the support she needed away from her parents. We helped as much as we could mostly it was just giving some encouragement to get into her education and focus on being productive. We encouraged her to get a job and paid her a bit to babysit for us.

Filling out the federal funding papers for scholorships and such can be tricky without your parents agreeing to sign it. IF he can find their tax returns so he can fill them out himself it would help alot. IF he doesn't qualify for federal aid it might be quite difficult for him to get on his feet.

I know there is a difference between helping someone and doing too much for them but getting kicked out at 18 is pretty tough to pay for an apartment, your food , and school.

If you have the means and it won't put strain on your family I would allow him room and board for the first year of college as long as he is working and going to school. Some of it depends on how motivated he is and if he is the type to take advantage but the young girl we helped was a hard worker and very independent. She is graduated now with a very good job.

It works out.

that's child neglect at best.

Thanks for stepping and and backing him up.

You are doing everything right.

My view is that you are giving him excellent advice.
When he is out of the house, he can make his own choices. He'll need your support, which you have given.

Maybe there is something you can do to soften the blow to the parents as they have been operating on strong expectations that are going to be shattered.

Parents often have a very difficult time trying to figure out what they did "wrong" when a child or children go against everything they taught them. It's a wise parent that can accept the fact that they raised their children to make their own decisions then to stand behind them, even if they don't agree.

Have him send the SAT results to your house.

I'm not sure of the deadlines, but have him ASAP go talk to his college counselor at his school and get the information he needs on college applications. Unfortunately, I think most of the deadlines have passed but he can at least see what he will need to do to apply.

Have him also talk to the counselor about getting legally emancipated - this way he is supporting himself, and can fill out the FAFSA and get government aid. I THINK the FAFSA requires a parent signature (again, the counselor would know) and so the emancipation is critical so he can do this himself without his parents. You might see if there is someone you can talk as well so that you can get informed.

He might need to just work/go to community college and then transfer to a 4 year college. This is not a bad thing, as it does cost quite a bit less. Again, the college counselor should be able to give him further information.

He needs to do whatever it takes to make it to graduation. He will be MUCH better off. If he can't come to you, see if he can find a friend so that he has somewhere to go if he does get kicked out. Maybe he can even take some stuff over to his friend's house and stash it.

I hope it works out.

THAT would be helping him, if it's something you could accommodate.

Buy him a Guiness. It solves all the World' problems. ;)