bitch today. I said she is a liar and lied to me as a child, and still lies about the church because she refuses to listen to anything other than what the lying old farts tell her.

I don't know what it is, but I really feel like I want to hurt my parents. I want to show them the filthy history of the cult and rub their faces in it.

I still have so much anger.

Mum said dad sometimes doesn't ask me for help because he's scared I might snap at him. I said "what goes around comes around" and I don't give a damn if he's scared because I was scared for the first 20 years of my life to disturb his fucking worship of the telly.

AAAARRGGGG

I'm sick of them not listening to me!

Congratulations - it sounds like you're establishing new boundaries with your parents. There's nothing wrong with changing the terms of your relationship and expecting them to respect you.

Just be careful with your anger, and wanting to hurt your parents. Your feelings are completely understandable. But for your own happiness you should probably try to get past "getting even" with your parents. I think in the long run you'll be happier if you resolve all this anger and get past it. Live a great life in spite of your parents.

Ozpoof - based on VERY limited information, as provided above, I would suggest getting some help to process the anger. A professional can guide you in ways that a layman cannot. Without openly processing the anger, it will only fester. The church tells you to forgive and forget, but it is not possible to do either without first acknowledging the anger and hurt.

I have realized my parents did the best they could based on what they had to work with. I am not mad at them for the church damage, nor am I angry about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or any other fantasy. I just realized much later in life they are all myths.

Please, for your sake and peace of mind, get professional help. There is no shame in doing this.

Families survive bouts of anger. But Ozpoof, for your peace of mind, you need to find a way to work through it.

I hope your parents set some severe consequences for treating them that way. It sounds like they have seen that you have become a hot headed keg of dynamite ready to go off and they are going to stay clear of you.

Apparently you don't realize that you are inappropriate with your parents, and who knows who all else.

You need to get professional help. In the mean time, I'd suggest you stay away from any contact with your parents and not "dump" on them anymore.

Based upon 5 or so lines of text, you assume ozpoof is the only person in this relationship with issues.

From the same lines of text, I think there are issues all around and the family is suffering for it.

ALL of them could do with help figuring this out.

In the meantime, you might as well prepare for yet another series of posts aimed at your inability to show compassion for other posters.

Perhaps you should try asking questions before you throw out more judgement.

and turns them off in a hurry and they stop listening, which is his complaint. Well. I can see why.

He needs to find a constructive way to communicate. That's my point.

Being hurtful and having no compassion for his parents won't open any doors for communication.

He needs to apologize for his outbursts.

That would go a long way to getting them to listen to him.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2012 12:26PM by SusieQ#1.

Mom and dad bring ozpoof into the world without his permission, then force him to comply with the oppressive lifestyle imposed by a religious cult of their choosing.

Yeah, I can see where ozpoof owes his folks an apology.

In my mind, they ought to be horse-whipped.

Timothy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2012 04:55PM by Timothy.

Yes, by all means. Let's ask the abused to apologize to the abuser.

Sweep it all under the rug and show respect to those mormons no matter what they do. All in the interest of being "happy, happy happy" in that phony mormon sense.

They are the parents. They are responsible for their actions. There may be advice to help this person and his family find a resolution, but blatantly telling him to apologize when he has been treated badly and the problem is comprehensive is ridiculous.

Children are not possessions. They're charges. Parents bring children into the world without their permission. Just because you can reproduce doesn't mean you should reproduce or that whatever you produce owes you.

Parents are entirely responsible to and for their kids. Its every parents' job to give their offspring all the necessary tools required to successfully navigate the rough road of life. Raising kids in a cult that tells them they have magical powers or that they're nothing more than mindless baby factories is not what anyone in their right mind would consider exemplory execution of that job.

Except mormons and mopologists, of course.

And how convenient that this same cult teaches parents that their children made the choice. I'd like to see that argument hold-up in a courtroom.

I don't like to relive this story because it is extremely painful, but will relay it anyway because it is most relevent to this discussion.

My father was a fairly large and powerful man. 6'1" with decent wieght and strength. He was a very intelligent type who read a lot and was great at research. He was also extremely abusive, both physically and mentally. Never raised a hand to my mom, who is equally as abusive, but never hesitated a second to take his frustrations out on his kids while mom silently and supportively watched.

I loved to play football, particularly in high school, because it was a license to take out my frustrations without really hurting anyone. At 6'3", 235lbs and 4.4 forty speed (with a good tail wind) I had more than enough tools to play the game at highly competitive level. Dad backed-off his physical abuse somewhat once I got really big, but he still loved to push my buttons. One day, he came to regret doing so.

I was making a compilation tape for a stake dance. Elton John's "Yellow Brick Road" had recently released and I really liked "Saturday Night's Alright for Fightin'" so I put it on the tape because it sounded like a good dance tune. Dad got a hold of the album cover, read the lyrics, then immediately went ballistic like only a goddamn mormon would over something so trivial.

I tuned him out like I had done before, but Pops didn't like that so he slapped me across the back of the head to get my attention. He got it alright, to the tune of getting his ass severely pounded prior to receiving a flying lesson that landed him next to mom on the other side of the room. I wanted to kill him and felt entirely justified in my desire. I might go to jail for the rest of my life, but he would never be able hurt me or anyone else from that moment on. I could taste the blood in my mouth and it was intoxicating. I had snapped and someone was going to pay. They just sat there like deer in the headlights. I was in complete control their lives and there was nothing they could do about it. What a grand yet horrible feeling.

And then I told them to fuck-off and leave me alone. I left home for good shortly after that little episode. I was barely eighteen at the time.

Abuse can be a very subtle thing. It doesn't have to be any where near what I experienced to cause real damage. The problem with most parents is that they don't understand that oppression, by its very nature, breeds rebellion. When a child rebels its usually due to poor and opressive parenting. But that can't be right because there's no such thing as an imperfect parent. Just ask any parent.

Does ozpoof have a problem? Absolutely. However, its not a problem he made, but one his parents made for him. My parents wouldn't lift a finger to defend me against the cult, but wouldn't hesitate a second to defend the cult against me. That's just horrible parenting and an all too familiar sentiment round these parts.

I could see an apology from ozpoof if he had stolen from his parents or something of that nature. But apologizing to his parents for them being bad parents? ... That dog don't hunt!

Leave it to the board apologists to blame the victim.

Timothy



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2012 05:53PM by Timothy.

I am stunned at the depth of that post. Ozpoof and all of us are privileged that you shared.

AWESOME post, Tim. Thanks

...when Ozpoof disturbed his dad's TV time as a kid.

Kids get angry with their parents sometimes. It sounds to me (based on limited information) that Ozpoof is working through some justified anger. The key is to work through that phase to find a more productive way of dealing with issues.

I think distance can be helpful in working through such issues (both physical and emotional distance.) Counseling can also be quite helpful.

You are projecting. Anger toward abusive parents is completely understandable.
This is a board for support, not to play the devil's advocate and blame the victim.

Counseling will be a help, for sure, but this can be communicated in a much more constructive way.

..."inability to show compassion" indeed.

I'm not sure exactly what you're dealing with, but if they're still hurting you with the things they say, I suggest cutting them out of your life. I had to do that with my parents last year after my mother told me that my divorce was God's punishment for my leaving her church and then gloated to me that she had enjoyed 50 years of marriage because she was still in the Church. It had been a consistent theme of silence during my successes in life and gloating during my failures, and I decided I'd had enough of that toxic person.

There are some people who will say (or at least imply) that they are your parents and you should let them say whatever they want to you without consequences. Well, I think you ought to either be trying to have a better relationship with them, even if that means getting help from a therapist, or you ought to let them go. Either way, I think you should get help from a therapist for the anger. I got a lot of help for my anger against my mission president from a psychologist. He helped me release most of my anger in only three sessions by talking it out and writing a letter to him expressing everything I was feeling (though not sending it). I hope this helps.

How old are your parents and what is their net worth? My parents are now just into their 70s and I'm just trying to keep things civil enough to keep my cut of the will. I do fantasize about telling them what I really think in their moments before death when it's too late for them write me out...but given the opportunity I don't think I could be that big of an a-hole, lol. Now that I'm a parent it's a lot easier to forgive my parents for a lot of things, but raising me in a cult isn't one of them. As a part of the internet-enlightened younger generations, I feel that the generation gap between myself and my parents with their religious and Republican beliefs is pretty big. It's hard to respect parents when you consider their entire reality to be based on lies.

Don't ever expect $$$. They may leave it all to the church. If you get some great. Just don't depend on it or make it part of your retirement plan.

My younger brother already raided the cookie jar. They signed everything over to him to take care of. He moved them into the basement of their own house. Him and his new wife (he's 53 she's 22) and their new baby moved in upstairs. Both my parents have hip and knee replacements and can hardly walk let alone deal with stairs. There isn't a thing I can do about any of this. My parents made this decision for their life when they turned 85.

... when the perpetrators of such crimes continue to do the same stupid s**t with no regret or remorse.

A good a**-kicking, verbal or otherwise, has its time and place. This would be that time and place.

Timothy

I hope saying what you did helps your mother realize some truths about the family and gives you a chance to heal.

My DH yelled and used the F-word with my mother when she was in her 80s. We had finally worked out a plan with her not to foist her religion on us. She complied for a few years but couldn't stand it and sent a letter with Bible and MofM passages included. In the letter she bore testimony and said she was as sure the church was true as that 2+2=4 and challenged us to read the scriptures and attend a mormon meeting. After DH phoned and cursed her, she never mentioned the morg again. She did complain about us to my younger exmo siblings but never directly to us again. Sometimes it's worth it to be loud and clear over highly offensive TBM behavior.

I went / am going through the same thing, not as bad as you it sounds like, but parents show absolutely no interest in anything outside of church.

I've talked with them, told them it would be nice to have them more involved in my life and they give lip service, say okay, and then - nada.

Don't respond about pics of family I send, don't wish happy birthday, don't respond to emails unless something churchy is in them, etc...

It's good you've set boundaries, and I've done the same, but sorry you can't have a great relationship with your parents.

I just read your post and no one else's replies. I went through this same stage. I have had anger throughout this whole process...three years and it has just taken different forms. You GO GIRL! I snapped a little too. I felt like I had to. I was 22 when I left and snapped at 25...and am now finally finding some peace, I feel. Things come in waves I feel. What good does it do going in silence. It is a cult. I just wanted to say WOW and Congrats. Now I am going to go read everyone else's insightful comments;)

I like everyone's advice. You are totally in the norm. I should say almost everyone's advice...but that poster seems to always give the opposite advice I would say. It cracks me up after reading on here for over a year. dynamic characters and a great support system.

I have not seen a counselor since leaving and that would be something to consider but as of right now I have zero desire to see a psychologist or therapist. This is my therapy, working out a lot, and helping others throughout the day.

There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. It is honest emotion triggered by the pain your parents have caused you.

The important thing is to turn it into something positive going into the future.

Many therapists recommend trial separations for couples and others with relationship difficulties. Then, when distance gives some perspective, a relationship can be rebuilt. You might start that way.

I would make an attempt to honestly, calmly, communicate your feelings to your parents--and not during anger. If nothing comes of it, at least you can move forward knowing you have handled the situation in a way that you will feel good about in years to come. This will mean more to you later than now probably.

Many of us have been in this difficult situation. If you should apologize, you could apologize for tone, or wording, but never apologize for things you said that came from you honestly. Apologies should be part of a healing process, not out of a means to show some false respect.

I have a dog. He barks, eats dog food, scratches himself, licks himself, and his DNA is 100% dog.

That's why I call him a dog.

If my mom acted like a passive-aggressive bitch, I would call her a passive-aggressive bitch.

I wouldn't feel any worse about calling her a passive-aggressive bitch than I would calling my dog a dog.

I agree with Susie that you need help, though. We all do. That's why we're here. So good job. You're getting help. Soon enough the anger will go.

Eventually you might even laugh about your parents teaching you that you're an alien from the star system kolob.

(for the record, my mom's a sweet lady. She's not passive-aggressive or a bitch)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdwoaFFLEMM
;oD



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2012 06:19PM by matt.

It's not a bad thing to get angry with just cause, it's normal. You're an adult now and no longer dependent on them; respect goes both ways. If someone lies over and over to me, I'm going to tell them off, no matter who they are.

It's not like you told her to go f herself with a broken bottle, or something like that. That's going too far, and you didn't.

I don't think you need professional help, the kind you have to pay through the nose for. Books can help, and there's always good old Google, i.e. "getting over anger at abusive parents" or such.

Respect is something earned, not an automatic, and liars don't get a free pass.

and that somebody's name is NOT ozpoof.

But then, I never could comprehend the logic of blaming the crime on the victim. Nor can I see the logic involved in expecting the victim to learn to forgive his abusers. It certainly doesn't benefit the victim, and in my experience the abusers never ever become non-abusers and ask for forgiveness anyway. So what, pray tell, is the point in that?

(And before anyone starts in on me, please spare me that namby-pamby Xtian crap about how it will make ozpoof feel all warm-n-fuzzy inside: all the Miracle of Forgiveness is designed to do is make the victim eat himself up with yet more guilt over being the victim.)