Church Ladies With Typewriters...They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Those are beautiful. I tried to pick a favorite but can't. Christ, I'm still laughing...

Hilarious and witty. That was much needed! Also, I don't know what your screen name means to you, but can I just say I like it a lot.

+1!

Just got to thinking and I wanted to add this to your screen name double meaning.

Your funny comments made me think of what my former seminary teacher tried to pound into my young student head...Fall of Adam...Atonement...Everlasting Life...on and on for four years...(Not to forget.. don't ever plan on being good enough...no one is!)

My version now...Atonement or should I say At One Ment...meaning pull yourself together and be healthy-- love yourself. It really helped me in my recovery process to do that.

I guess I am reflecting a lot right now cause it was three years ago, this time of the year that I was starting to question the church in my heart of hearts- mind...I hadn't yet ventured to the internet tho...I mean I was a four time relief society teacher- veteran and that was by 22. I couldn't be looking at that trash on the internet.

It's been a wild time to say the least and I've met so many amazing people...uh heh...excuse me....met so many people living in "sin" that were also living in sin with me....ohh golly. barf. You guys are awesome! keep writing!

saviorself -- in one word it reflects my own philosophy of life. I don't believe in an afterlife. I do believe that we are living the one and only life we will ever have, right now, here on the good planet Earth. To make the most of "this life" we need to save ourselves from religion. So saviorself is a catchy spelling of "save yourself". Religion is not going to save you.

Congratulations on getting out of the Morg at an early age. You did some seriously good thinking to achieve that!

My favorite blooper actually happened in a service at a Methodist church.

Usually after the offering, the minister would say something like "please stand and sing the doxology as the ushers come forward".

This one time the minister said "please stand as the ushers come forward and sing the doxology".

I had to stop reading them, cuz I was laughing out loud in the office!