In this thread, http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,406361
ktay, expresses frustration at wasting her childhood and young adulthood.


I remember feeling that way at first. But a few years later, I feel I got the better deal.

I am experiencing two kinds of life--the last one with a certain, strange yet wiser perspective. And with that wiser perspective, I get to reinvent myself and my life, as if I am starting over with the knowledge I had from a previous life.

Being a mormon certainly had its wasteful moments, but other types of life paths are equally or more wasteful.

Raised as a mormon, I got to experience what it is like to live life with a feeling of assurance that the world/universe was a known entity and that there was a supreme hand at the rudder. I had parents who really truly tried to be good parents. I got to experience what it was like to enter adulthood with wonder in magic and innocence of slowly developing my adult experiences. It was in a sense, a prolonged childhood without being forced to acknowledge that Santa isn't real. And at a time when one is riddled with self-doubts, I was given an unrealistic inflation of self worth that motivated me to achieve more significantly in my academic/personal life than I probably would have if I had been more carefree.

But now, I get to explore the other side of less-innocent life. To not feel guilt at personal decisions. I get to accept others without judgement and live a bit more carefree.

In other words, I understand both sides of the coin unlike most people.

I am extremely pleased with the outcome of my life.

I would hope you could look at those years with a lot of gratitude and value as they are some of our most important learning years.

I know it's hard at times. Those were difficult, cumbersome years with a lot of problems, but the more I understand those years of mine, the more value I find in them.

I have to wade through a lot of unreasonable nonsense, strange so called "help", learned when and how I could get out of the control of others, but when I get to the core, there are life lessons that rise to the top that have been important to me.

I learned never to regret the past. And a really biggie: to forgive everyone. I learned to separate out what is about someone else and what is about me. I learned how to take my power back and own it. And, how to use my personal power and where to back off when I don't have any personal power.
Hard to do sometimes, but for me, it's absolutely necessary to live in a state of peace of mind.

I learned that everyone is doing the same thing: we all get the same deal. We live, we die, we do stuff in between. We do the best we know how at the time, with the information we have at the time. When we get new and better information we an make new and better choices and decisions.

Life at this point in my life is easier in some ways and much more stressful in others as the problems are very different. It's different from those earlier years, that's for sure. I can get to the humor, the fun, the laughter as usual. And that makes it all worthwhile!

I feel the same way. I will never again fault my parents nor have contempt for the way I was raised. My TBM childhood was fun.

Now I revel in the knowing everything I was taught about the universe was wrong. I find this journey of knowing I was part of a huge hoax is an incredible human experience. I also love studying all the bogus lies and data points. To a certain extent most people grow up with delusion; Mormons just got tons more and it is obvious.

Love who you are and love freeing your life from Mormonism.

I think it is a freedom you can't explain to someone who hasn't experienced it.

For the most part, I revel in the unique life I now lead.

Just yesterday I went to lunch with my ex, his last partner, and his prior boyfriend to that (we are all friends). The LDS psychologist who told me that my ex didn't have to have sex with males any more than a guy who likes to have sex with cows had to have sex with cows. This guy also told my ex to leave--when we ourselves had worked out a plan that we could co-parent and live in our house. So--we are all sitting there having drinks and he is sitting right across from us (this guy believes in reparative therapy also). It was a feeling you just can't describe to someone who hasn't found their way out.

I also had good parents--who are now dead. Luckily, they weren't your typical mormon family. Most of my siblings left the LDS church before I did--and my parents always loved us. There was never any shunning.

You are fortunate your parents weren't both mormon AND abusive.
Unfortunately there are a certain number of members here who won't be able to find "the other side", because there wasn't one.

Look back fondly? Never.

Ditto on your sentiments. Both of my parents were the shits. I never was allowed to be a child nor a teenager due to sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and gas lightning.

Some parents should not have been allowed to have children.

Fuck them.

childhood than any of us who are now on the internet.

With some very notable exceptions, most of us had parents who kept us fed, warm and safe. We forget how unique that is in human history. Instead, for a long time I was angry because my somewhat dysfunctional family didn't nurture me properly, and left me with a lot of angst. Ha. At least they left me with all my limbs. Why do I think I was entitled to more?

Gratitude gets me a lot farther today than angst ever did. And I love your point about broadening our experience.

That said, people who are just starting on their recovery have every right/need to come here and vent about it. It does hit you in the face that you were lied to and manipulated all your life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/04/2012 01:00PM by Heresy.

...not viewing the cult from the outside. People are raised to be innocent without being in a cult. I didn't need to go through all of the fear, guilt, terror, waste of time, money and peace of mind. Moism is child abuse. It is like saying, "I am glad that I was abused as a child because now I know what it feels like."

F*&%ing cult.

very definitely. I had a lot of regrets when I came to this board some 6-1/2 years ago. Because of what I've read here and been able to vent about, I'm over so much of this stuff.

Of course, I still get angry about things like prop 8, etc., but I don't regret who I married. I'm actually rather shocked that I ended up in a much better situation than straight/straight marriages--as we still care about each other, we just can't be a couple.

Having lost my parents--I can absolutely say--that no matter how they raised me or what mistakes they made--they were good people and I miss them every day. I have no regrets about how they raised me.

This was very well said. I was raised a strict mormon. It's just what happened nothing I can do about it, so I try to live my life now and be happy. Mostly I am successful, but I definantly have my moments that make it hard not to feel that a great part of my life was wasted.

I experienced a few episodes of abuse from a former bishop's son that was covered up by those in power who also convinced my parents not to press charges. That is hard to get over, but I try. On the other hand. I had great friends in my ward. I enjoyed YW, and the activities, and the youth dances. Sure I hated seminary and how women were viewed and treated. It sure was hard being a feminist as a young woman. That said no one's childhood was perfect and I need to live my life now, deal with the past, which I have through counseling, and move on.

I am very happy with my life and what I have become, but there are definantly times I feel anger at the church and my parents for enforcing the beliefs and church attendance where I got to see my abuser bless the sacrament every Sunday. Still I try not to be a blame others for my problems person and live my life the best I can for me.

I am glad I found this board. I feel I am recovered from mormonism for the most part (it took a while), but you guys understand what it was like to be mormon, to experience the brainwashing, guilt, etc. it is not something you can explain to other people. They really don't understand what leaving mormonism is like when it was your whole life and family. People here understand and I am grateful for that. Thank you all.

I don't care what century you're in, I think we can raise our expectations a little more.

Telling me how much better I have it than other people doesn't make me feel better. It negates my REAL pain and implies that I "should" be grateful.

Well guess what? It doesn't work. Some have it better. Some have it worse. So what? I see what I see and I feel what I feel. Let's not play the comparison game, okay?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/04/2012 07:40PM by athreehourbore.

This why you should be glad to keep all your limbs! Because God hates amputees!

http://whywontgodhealamputees.com/

You know you are not the person you would have been without the Mormon upbringing, but that kind of thinking feeds right back into the old pre-existence argument about choosing your parents.

We didn't choose and we got whatever we got. Our challenge at every stage of life is to make the most of who we are NOW and the resources and opportunities available to us NOW.

Dwelling on what if's about a childhood you had no control over is just useless negativity.

People make lemonade from lemons--we do enjoy coffee more, freedom more, even maybe sex more. Like POW's do--not to say it was a good thing to be captured by the enemy, but you are certainly free to enjoy the fact that there were certain benefits:

*Great skin and no skin cancer because of wearing garments and being indoors all the time pregnant, nursing, and caring for new babies/toddlers for thirty years.

*No herpes or stds due to chastity when single.

*Nice white teeth due to no coffee or tea.

*Good liver due to no alcohol for all those years.

*Know how to make my own bread, can, and can cook for a crowd effortlessly. "Entertaining" twelve people was called dinner every night.

*Can live happily on very little $ due to raising lots of children and paying tithing.

*Enjoy a glass of wine immensely and a cup of coffee even more.

*Freedom from guilt and anxiety about the afterlife, if I'm being "good" enough to have my loved ones around me. No worries.

*An appreciation of the value of authenticity and a deeper understanding of integrity.

*Comfort with a personal moral code no matter what anyone around me thinks.


I could go on, but you get the idea. And I must add-- exMormon friends who are the BEST!

Anagrammy

The only time that I suffered from depression was on a mission and being married to a Mormon wife when I was not suited to. I just won't give them a pass. Mormonism is mental abuse. You can NEVER be good enough for them. You can NEVER do enough for them. I can avoid coffee stains on my teeth, alcoholism, and herpes without be a fucking Mo!

My suggestions are akin to being grateful you survived an airplane crash only having lost a leg.

Of course, not having an airplane crash is preferable, but it helps to make lemonade out of the lemons, if possible.

:)

Anagrammy

I have to add that the flip side of this is something I realized just in the last couple of days. I was watching a movie and thought "I wish I'd had more say in the decisions I'd made in my life. I may have made more mistakes but they would have been MY mistakes." The flip side of this is that Mormonism WAS my mistake. So if I'm so sure I would have recovered and grown from any mistakes I made if I'd made my own choices, why can't I apply that same attitude to recovering from Mormonism? As others have mentioned, there were good elements to it. In fact, it was mostly good, at least for me, and the real deal breaker was that it was a lie and I couldn't live a lie, live with liars, even for the good parts. So I left and now I've got to reinvent myself too. But I have faith it will all work out somehow, if I'm determined it will.

Besides, how many people can say they've graduated from a college named after a sociopathic, polygamist religious dictator?

I was BIC so I have a hard time separating what is truly me vs what is the result of all my childhood indoctrination. TSCC/the gospel affected every part of my life for 30+ years. It's where/how I met my amazing husband and why I was still a virgin when we got married; it's the reason I never smoke, drank or tried drugs; it gave me purpose and direction; it made me feel chosen and important...BUT....it was also how my parents justified being harsh, judgmental, and abusive. It made me expect too much from life by filling my head with promises and magical thinking. It's the reason I got married at 19 and had a baby at 20. It's the reason it took me 13 years to get my Bachelor's degree. It's the reason I expected too much of my own children for the first 12 years. It made me look for divine/spiritual solutions to real-world problems and delayed us getting the professional help we actually needed. It made me depressed and angry when my husband lost his testimony. It asked a lot but failed me when I really needed it most.

I wonder what I would have done/become were it not for TSCC. I'm a smart, decent, sensible, high-achieving person. I could have been SO much more than getting married at 19 and having kids right away allowed me to be. I'd have finished school first, studied abroad, had a career and really tested the limits of my potential. I'd have been SOMETHING more than what I am. I think I'd have been better equipped then to deal with the challenges we've had. I think it would have made me a better parent and a better person.

So, like I said, it's a weird thing to think about. For all the things I currently hate about TSCC, it did give me the best husband in the world. So for that, at least, I have to be thankful.

On the flip side. It's the reason I had sex when I was way too young. It's the reason I did drugs and drank and ran with the wrong crowd. It's the reason I never saw the inside of a college until I was 42. It's the reason I married when I was 18 and divorced at 20. And then again at 36.

It's the reason I didn't really know who I am until I was in my late 40's. It's the reason I didn't seek help until then. It's the reason I've lived most of my life feeling less than. It's the reason I have had to have a paradigm shift at 57 and turn my world completely upside down when I should be having the best time of my life.

And though I can't prove it, I feel like it's also why I have a permanent auto immune disease, and why I had breast cancer.

It's why I have been abandoned for years by my parents and most of my siblings, their children and spouses and an army of aunts uncles and cousins.
It's the reason I cringe every time there is a knock at the door, or the phone rings. It's the reason I am on rfm everyday until I don't need to be. It's the reason I'm apologizing to my children for raising them mormon, and hoping they can overcome my mistake. It's the reason my stepson married an uber TBM and my DH will most likely be denied access to his first grandchild that he would give his life for. It's the reason for the hell that i have gone through, am going through, and will most likely always suffer from in some way until the day I die.

(((hugs))) to you.

I often think I am here at Rfm for the gallows humor and the occasional opportunity to keep someone from making one of my M A N Y mistakes.

Last night I had another nightmare about my oldest son, the one that hasn't spoken to me in years. I dreamed he lost his boat and I was out looking for it while the family eating dinner in a hall, like it was a celebration. When I came back in, the whole family stopped eating. I said, "Where's Rob?" and they looked at each other. Finally someone said, "He choked to death. We didn't want to tell you."

You can recover a happy life. I consider my life to be very happy, even joyful, but there are deep pits of sadness for the pain I caused others. And for the family members I lost. There are consequences and damage which can't be undone.

Somehow, it helps to "hang out" with people who understand me, albeit people like you who I probably will never meet. You and the other posters being here helps me and I guess it helps you, too.

When people say we leave the church but can't leave it alone, they have no clue that we are left with PTSD, scars and damage that we have to learn to live with on a daily basis.


Anagrammy

I am sending you my peace...I grieve with you.

Thank-you.

You got your life back now. It was a major life changing episode for me too. You can now either live whats left of your life looking back, or live your life to the maximum now by doing things that you never were able to before. Are you going to let the whole Mormon cult thing destroy who you are? You will be okay if you choose to be. Best wishes.

thank-you. I just need to vent once in a while. Overall, I'm doing amazingly well. I think I am pretty forward thinking. The traits that kept me from being a good fit into mo'ism are the very traits that are now serving me well. I have no fear of the outside. I'm adventurous, and like to ask questions. I am full on into living a life outside of moism. I really appreciate the validation and feedback. It's not something any exmo gets a lot of. It's comforting.

I love hearing other people's stories. I also love how much we can all relate to each other too. Thanks for all the support guys. Really grateful I discovered this site and the truth earlier this week.

Welcome, ktay.

Finding out the truth can be a shocking, lonely experience. Really traumatic.

Live after Mormonism is so beautiful--it is worth the pain. Hang in there and post often.

Anagrammy

"I've looked at life from both sides now" and the view I got from the mormon church I didn't need.

I didn't need to find myself sobbing uncontrollably at the age of 58 because I had finally allowed my deeply buried mormon childhood and youth to surface and began to deal with it.

I didn't need to learn to be so judgmental even as I was being severely judged.

I didn't need the stunted mormon personality that I have had to fight so hard to force bloom into something better.

I didn't need to go through life trying to hide everything about me that makes me unique because in my formative years I learned the real me, the natural man, wasn't acceptable, not just to God but to anyone.

We can always find those who have it worse than us, but our problems trump them precisely because they are ours.

I have a broader perspective because I have been a cult member. I can appreciate others pain and struggle for growth because of it. I wouldn't trade that, but, I do not feel grateful to have been a mormon. Sometimes you can't have it all.

I feel you ripped this thought off from me. Either that, or it is such a similar experience for people growing up in the church, it just feels like you ripped off my own sentiments.