Hello everyone, again. It's Tiffany. I apologize if you've heard enough from me in the past few days!! But I have realized that I need to talk about things I am thinking/feeling in regards to exiting the Mormon church.

So, I am the one who posted about the bishopric coming yesterday. My husband saw me online afterwards, and I'm pretty sure (since he knows zero boundaries) that he looked up my internet history to see what I was surfing about. I hope he did, so he could read some of the information here.... Maybe become more well-informed. Everyone say hi to Adam!!!!!!

Also, a side note... please be extremely patient with me and ride this journey with me, instead of trying to correct my actions. Judging, or telling me I did something wrong, is exactly what an ex-mormon DOES NOT need while trying to move away from people judging and telling them what they did wrong!!!!


:) I'm just sayin.

tiffthack@gmail.com

Hi Tiff & Adam! Welcome to the board.

This board has been an eye-opener for me. I'm non-mormom and was always curious about the religion b/c it had grown so fast over such a relatively short period of time. I thought of Mormonism as being a strict but family-friendly faith where you couldn't drink iced tea. Oy vey, was I wrong!

You will find a lot of support from people here. You will also find some people are jackasses who will jump all over you if they disagree with you. Some folks seem incapable of respectfully disagreeing - I think anonymity breeds jackassery. Growing a thick skin will be very helpful :-)

I completely agree. When we're in a tough situation of leaving the mormon church, we need to find our inner strength and it's difficult to do that if strangers on the internet are non-supportive and critical.

Take care and take heart.

first off, you're doing great and we're delighted everytime a newbie (or three) joins the fold.

now, I'm going to completely ignore your request.

never apologize. never explain.

you don't have to take that literally, but I suspect as you step farther and farther away from kolobianism, you will begin to understand what it means.

I look forward to your continuing journey. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Hi, Adam.

Number two lesson here is learning to deal with what comes your way.

What I mean is to open yourself to all opinions, including (and maybe especially) those who disagree with your opinions, your actions, your plans.

We learn in Mormonism to reject those who disagree as being Gentiles or unreachable or hardhearted. As you have already experienced, this kept you away from the truth for years. For example, I used to think people wanted to sin. It was so obvious to me that Mormonism was God's perfect organization, his "team", so that anyone without prejudice would admire us and want to join us.

If I had not been willing to listen (finally) to something "judging" Mormonism, I would never have changed my paradigm. There is far more to be gained by being open. Let people say their piece. That judgy person may be the "Teacher" you need who has appeared at just the right time for you.

Being judged is part of life. Now that you are moving away from the judging as a member of the Mormon church, you will get the uber judging as an apostate. (Hi Adam)

Your family, your friends will all be judging you unworthy, so this board is a great place to toughen up. Hold on to your ideas, your boundaries, your self while being willing to listen to the ideas and suggestions of others. Let those new ideas simmer for a while. Shall you confront your aunt? Or just listen to her? Don't you want to hear both views? Sure you do! Even if you have already decided to confront her, maybe a person will give you an insight about what to expect afterward from the rest of the family.

Just think--what you are contemplating doing/saying,someone on this large board did exactly that and can tell you what happened to them. I think that's invaluable and if they are completely against what you plan on doing, all the better! Encourage them to spit it out! You are on your way to becoming the free woman you were always meant to be and you can take it.

It is the healthiest way to be. Drop the idea you can stop people from judging you. You can't-- quite honestly, the great victory comes from seeing people judging and quiety not participating. Or hearing yourself judged and being quiet when it's your grandmother.

Love that you're here!

Anagrammy

You'll hear a lot of varying stuff.

Remember that just because someone tells you what to do, doesn't mean you have to do it.

THAT is what Mormonism is.

Ex-Mormon is about giving honest opinions and advice.

But you don't have to take it.

Be patient with yourself as well. Recovery is a journey.

And that goes for playing the game of answering the question someone *should* have asked instead of the one they do ask.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/08/2012 09:59PM by Cheryl.

Haha.. I can see that asking for something is ineffective here! Ah well, I'll take the good and ignore the bad. Thanks for the welcome everyone.

No tone. No body language.

So, interpreting posts can sometimes be tricky both on the poster's and the commentors' ends.

True enough, it would be simple to add a smile to a post to indicate we are offering advice in a nice way :) But yes, some people can be interpreted differently on the Internet. That's where I think the thick skins are good, for message boards, that is!

It's amazing to me how Mormons think they can come you your home and ask/tell you what you need to believe or do.

And the idea of your husband monitoring what you read or post on the internet?

I like the fact that you are willing to own it. But it sounds like extremely snoopy and controlling behavior on his part. In his defense, he has been taught that it's extremely bad and dangerous to read information that is non-supportive of the church.

But WHY?

WHY does a person need to avoid certain kinds of questions and information?

The truth can withstand scrutiny.

So what are they afraid of?

Good question. What are they afraid of? The truth... certain truths that do not add up from their past. It's ridiculous.

I don't know, just my opinion.

I hope you don't have kids yet. If you don't, DO NOT have any until you know what the final outcome is going to be with you husband.

I have kids. 4.

YOu have four kids? Are they really young? God help you then. You need to be very, very careful. Your spouse--from what you've written--sounds like a bit of an overbearing control freak. You need to take this slowly and think it through.

Are you at a stay-at-home-Mom? If so, are you educated and able to make a living as a single mom if you need? Do you have non-LDS family who could support you at least emotionally through troubled times?

I know I sound like gloom and doom--but please be careful and have a plan for all the possible outcomes of this situation.

I thought my TMB husband loved me--but he has said several times he wishes I'd left the church before he married me in the temple. (Well, that makes two of us.) I have offered to let him leave the marriage, but he backs down and says no, that's not what he wants. In a few years my youngest will be graduated from high school--I really don't know if I'll stick around in my marriage. Having a decent career and the ability to take care of myself has helped me to have the courage and independence to live my life as I see fit--without the Morg.

Good luck to you.

I am not a stay at home mom. I have a college degree and a full time job making more then my husband, at the moment. We have been married 11 years and I do not put it past our relationship to get over this part. But it is a work in progress.

Also, can someone please direct me to the best place to find out how to write the resignation letter so I am no longer on the church records? Thanks.

Tiff-

Take it easy on the old man. My wife and I had been married and active in the LDS church for 6 years before I left. I gradually sepparated myself and tried my best to calmly explain my thinking and feelings to my wife. She didnt take it well at first but over time she accepted my position and has since left the church as well. (A move from Utah doesnt hurt). I can honestly say our relationship has never been stronger for having gone through such a test. We are now going on 10-years of marriage and 2 kids. Try to remember what it is like on the otherside and give Adam some time, I'm sure you have been going over these things in your own mind for years before getting to this point. (just dont trick yourself into thinking you can go back, once you have seen behind the curtin the jig is up).

Josh

I felt (and feel) no judgment of you! I regret that it came across differently in my post. Nevertheless, I appreciate your comments. Let me try again.

Those of us who have been out of the church for some time now, look back in shock at how we submitted to having our boundaries invaded. We were betraying ourselves by doing so, but we didn't even know it yet! It took a long time—too long!—for us to recognize that WE HAVE THE RIGHT to set healthy boundaries for ourselves AND to have those around us respect those boundaries.

Cults know how to condition members to betray themselves—i.e. to feel shame and guilt if they dare to stand up for themselves. As a brand-new exmo, you naturally fell into that trap (NO blame intended here! So did we!) and you felt you had to be a good hostess even at your own expense. But YOU DON’T HAVE TO STAY on that self-defeating track that the church puts its members on. *That’s* what I meant by, “You can make a new choice.” You are not stuck forever, even after years of conditioning!

Saying “no” is a skill nearly all of us had to learn (which I mentioned.) That being the case, how could “Time to start practicing a new skill” (by saying ‘no’ to unhealthy things) be a judgment of you? In saying this, I meant to point you in the direction of health and healing. No one swoops in and sets healthy boundaries for us; we each have to learn how to do it for ourselves. The sooner we start, the sooner we begin to free ourselves from the clutches of the church! THAT FREEDOM is what I hope for you and for all new exmos!

Hope this post is clearer. Best wishes!

Hello! I just left tscc 2 weeks ago and so has my husband. I was the first one to express clear doubts, such as never having had a testimony of Joseph Smith. The more I mentioned it to my sweetie, the more he started opening up. We get along together very well, but since our joining the church 12 years ago, we at first believed, then I believe it became we 'wanted' to believe, then we became dissenters, now we're avowed non believers. We are both so relieved and feel liberated. Thinking for YOURSELF is key. When I had the eye opener that 'these people have zero right to tell me what to do with my life' it all became so clear that we needed to cut ties. It occurred to me that the same people who seldom speak to me at church were the same people who suddenly got all friendly and chatty when it became time to extend a new calling to me. How hypocritical! No more for me. I wish you all the best!