Posted by:
newme
(
)
Date: February 17, 2012 11:01PM
I checked online and saw that the pervert singles ward bishop who interrogated me about masturbation a few years ago is still serving as Bishop. I hate the thought that other single girls may still be going through what I went through. What do you honestly think would happen if I share the following experience with the stake pres? Do you think there's any chance the bishop will be removed from the singles ward? If not, then I won't bother. I don't want to call attention to myself and risk an "outreach" unless it really would potentially help single girls in that ward.
Every nevermo I've shared this experience with has been as disgusted about it as me. The one TBM friend I shared it with actually sympathized with the bishop. I lost all motivation to take action after that. This happened in a young-professional singles ward where the members age ranged from about 23-33. This experience is not the reason that I left. It was, however, a very significant event along my journey out, that acted as a huge trigger for my already existing doubts. I documented the whole ordeal in my journal, so I can clearly recall what happened.
In 2008 my temple recommend was due for renewal. At that same time, a sister in the ward, and close friend asked me to be her temple escort since she was getting married and was going through the temple for the first time. I was honored, and dutifully set an appointment with the bishopric to renew my recommend. I received approval and then made an appointment with the stake presidency counselor. During the time between these two appointments, I was with my boyfriend at the time, and we "made-out". This happens with LDS singles all the time, and is the cause of much guilt, repentance and relationship struggle (not to mention rushed marriages). To clarify, I never had sex or even came close, just typical passionate hugging/kissing/touching (not that it's anyone's business, but I feel it is important to clarify that I was always a very virtuous Mormon girl, and my behavior within my relationships was typical by the LDS standards, and extremely conservative by the worlds standards). As a very faithful member, I always confessed my sins to church authorities, and this time was no different. When the stake counselor asked the chastity question from the temple recommend interview I told him I had recently made-out with my boyfriend (No one is perfect. That's what I thought confession was for). He then told me he could not give me a temple recommend at that time and that I would need to get a "blessing from my bishop" first.
I left this meeting discouraged about the hassle, since my friend's endowment session was in a few weeks and I was busy at work and did not have time for more appointments. But I also trusted the processes of the church and decided I would bear the burden and endure the challenge as a consequence of my transgressions (which looking back, were hardly transgressions- a 27 year old virgin making out with her boyfriend?) I made the appointment with the Bishop and told him the situation. I said that the stake counselor asked me to get a blessing from him, and then he would renew my temple recommend. I've confessed to a few bishops in my life about making-out with boyfriends. They have all taken the same approach and I was expecting something similar this time- perhaps a few words about the law of chastity and the repentance process.
Instead, here is what happened. I told him I made-out with my boyfriend. He asked me what exactly we did. I said I touched him but we were both wearing clothes. He asked if he had an orgasm. I said yes. He asked if I had an orgasm. I said yes. (Why in the world was he asking these details??) Then, he asked me if I ever masturbated. At this point of the conversation I felt extremely uncomfortable and was tempted not to answer. I also felt (and told him) that it was out of place for him to bring up the topic since it was not why I made an appointment to see him. I also felt annoyed at his implication that I was a sinner because masturbation has always been a natural, healthy part of my life. But as a faithful girl, dedicated to keeping the church rules, I continued to answer his questions honestly. I said yes and the conversation continued as he asked me more detailed questions about it. I grew more and more uncomfortable (which I told him several times). He said that while he knew that many men struggled with masturbation he was not aware that is was a real temptation among women. (Seriously? Get a clue.) He told me I was on probation and should not take the sacrament or give prayers, and that the repentance process would likely take several months and that I should plan on meeting him regularly to discuss my progress in this area. At this point I started crying. I said I felt like I was being punished for something I've done for as long as I can remember, I didn't think it was a big deal, I didn't feel comfortable talking to him about it, that was not the reason I came to see him in the first place, and that my friend's endowment was in a few weeks and she asked me to be her temple escort. After he saw me crying he changed the punishment and said that if I would refrain from the habit for 2 weeks, then it would be fine. He also said "call or text me if you are ever tempted with unclean thoughts." (yuck) Finally as I was leaving the office he said "It's good that you are a sexual girl. You will make some man very happy some day." (double yuck)
I returned 2 weeks later for the scheduled appointment. He asked if I had refrained from masturbating and I answered that I did not, and that making it forbidden made it even more tempting. (The thought of lying never occurred to me. Lying to a church leader was like lying to God in my mind.) After further uncomfortable discussion, he asked me to leave the office for a few minutes so he could "pray." I honestly do not believe he was praying by himself in the office after I left, after the discussion. I'll give you one guess what he was doing. After he invited me back in, he said he felt impressed that I am forgiven as long as I continued to keep meeting with him to discuss the "problem." He signed my temple recommend, I met with the stake counselor again and was privileged to escort my friend for her endowments.
The weeks and months that followed were terrible for me. For the first time in my life I felt serious depression. During my continued meetings with the bishop he continued to ask me detailed questions about sex and masturbation, since "when you sin, all previous sins return", he'd say. He brought in photocopies of certain pages of Miracle of Forgiveness. In my mind I battled with whether or not God really thought I was sinning and these meetings were required for repentance, or if I should trust that uneasy feeling in my gut and stop these appointments. Naturally I fasted and prayed, but of course the only answer you are allowed to get when you pray is to stay devoted to the church and obey the bishop. At the appointments I would try to discuss other topics that I thought were the root of the depression I was feeling. I told him I struggled with PTSD from witnessing my mother die in an accident a few years prior. This was a tremendous cause of grief and pain in my life. I also told him I was starting to have doubts about the church. I also told him that I had just broken up with my latest boyfriend and my heart was broken. I was extremely sad and planned to seek help from a therapist (since my meetings with him were only making me feel worse). He advised me to only see a Mormon therapist because a non-Mormon therapist would encourage me to touch myself and "we both know you have a problem with that." I was continually discouraged that he kept bringing up that topic, especially when, during this particular meeting we only talked about my depression that I thought was related to losing my mom. He also gave me a blessing at that meeting where he mentioned that my mom was proud of me for the progress I was making in continuing to meet with him and resolve the sin. Those words still make me sick to my stomach to this day. The fact that he would use my most painful memory of losing my mom to manipulate me into continuing to talk to him about sex is utterly disgusting, and pure evil in my opinion.
At our next meeting he told me that I had "inspired him." He said I made him aware of this "serious problem among the sisters in the ward," and that he planned to call them to repentance. The following week he did just that. He called a special meeting for just the Relief Society. He did the standard chastity talk, and then ended by saying "it has been brought to my attention that masturbation is a temptation among the sisters," and he requested that any women who struggled with this should come and talk to him and repent. I was completely horrified at this turn of events. First, I never ever meant for this topic to become an issue in my life. Second, I feel it is highly inappropriate for a married man to speak with single women about masturbation (in the name of God) and that no true, loving God would ever take this approach. Third, as a counselor in the Relief Society I knew and loved the sisters very much. I spent long hours getting to know them and praying for them. I understood their struggles and their pain. I knew that this "call to repentance" would only bring further suffering and unnecessary guilt to their lives. It was at this point that I started to give myself permission to doubt and question the church completely. I have always believed in real love, honesty and true charity, and this was not it.
My depression only got worse and did not get better until I started seeing an excellent (non-Mormon) therapist, and stopped meeting with the bishop. A few weeks after I stopped our appointments he pulled me aside at church. He said, "I want to thank you for bringing this issue to my attention. Several sisters have made appointments to talk to me about it." I felt very sad at the thought of the single girls in the ward (who I loved so much, who were trying so hard to live righteously, thinking that if they were righteous enough they would be blessed with a husband) feeling as depressed as I felt after talking with this perverted man.
Over three years have passed and I am happily married to an honorable, intelligent, non-Mormon man, whose integrity exceeds any member of the church I've met. I am happier now than I have ever been and feel more genuine peace, and clarity in my life than ever before. I am so glad to be free from the psychological turmoil of the LDS church. Now that I can think clearly I am even more disgusted with my interaction with the singles ward bishop 3 years ago. I wish there were something I could do to prevent this sort of thing from happening further within the church. It is despicable that the church condones these types of interviews that place faithful members in a position to comply with confession according to the Bishops direction of the conversation, or else feel the guilt and shame of "sin". It is the Bishop who should be ashamed. It is a sick trap. Of course not all Bishops behave this way, but clearly some do. I'd like to let his wife know what her husband is up to and how he is encouraging the girls to call/text and meet with him about this topic. At the very least, I'm glad I finally worked up the guts to share this on the board. Maybe someone reading this in a similar situation will find the courage to stop these types of appointments like I should have sooner.
But back to my original question. What do you think would happen if I tell the stake pres about this? Should I just let it go?
And one more question that will help me know where to direct my pent up anger- What/who is most to blame for this inappropriate situation? My own ignorance and naiveness (resulting from years of religious conditioning)? The bishop? The church? The combination of a typical sex-minded male given the "power and authority" to have these conversations, that most men would have if given the opportunity? All of the above?