How long and how hard can you cry before you totally loose it? I am feeling such despair that I feel I just want to pack my things and leave. Go somewhere where no one knows me.

I saw a picture tonight of 4 of my adult children,mother-in-law,sister-in law,all at the dining room table of dh's girlfriend. Having a very cozy,happy time. Also were the spouses of my kids. My one son,31 years old,hasn't spoken to me for a year.When I was in the hospital,critically injured,he never called or text or anything.Unless you have been through this,you can't imagine the pain I am feeling right now.I know life goes on,but we are still married and I just find this so disrespectful and cruel.These 4 kids live in different parts of Utah,so everytime their dad goes to Utah they all drive Where his girlfriend lives and spend a few days with him. That has happened 5 times in the past 10 months. I haven't seen my son for 2 years,and only see my daughters about 2 times a year.My son won't see me.

I just don't know what to do. My gut hurts all day,I can't eat....I'm supposed to be gaining weight because I've lost so much.How can my kids do this to me?I'm sure they didn't expect me to see the picture,but I had heard about this particular dinner. How my mother-in-law and sister-in-law where going on and on about dh's soon to be new wife.How happy they were for them. I have no idea what my kids said in reply. Typically they would say nothing,there dad calls the shots and has made me out to be such a horrible person.I also saw a picture of the new woman.Why the hell couldn't he have just waited until we were divorced?

I took 4 Tylenol PM last night and I still was awake all night.I guess this will get easier,but how do I deal with it now?I hate to cry in front of my 2 youngest,so I have been going in the bedroom to 'take a rest'. About 10 times a day.Of course they know about the new woman but are to young to understand my pain. Even if I was to tell them. I do keep busy with them,home-schooling them etc.But every second I am not with them I fall apart. Between this and reliving my accident over and over again I feel so emotionally exhausted and weak. Maybe this shouldn't bother me so much? I guess the fact that of my 7 adult kids I feel none of them really catr how I feel.Dh has so brainwashed 4 of them,I don't think they will ever love me again.

I just wanted to share this. Really...where else do I go? I know I will support and wisdom and kind words here. Thank you everyone for being such an amazing support group.

"Douchebag husband" or something similar "dipshit?). There are many here who've walked through this kind of pain, and the only experience I can share is forget trying to look good and let the grieving process go on...

You'll want to make as many connections as you can among supportive people; the last time I went through a really devastating split up I didn't really like the people I was hanging with, but I needed them...

Go slow and be good to yourself... Big hugs...

Dh means what it usually means Cabbie!!! she is still married!!
her husband and their family gotta be real douches... this is what happens when the whole family is in a cult...and they cant see the wrongness of the situation!! OY VAY!! so sorry for your pain honey!! i am sure the worst part is how your kids are treating you!! so sad!! do like the Star gazer says(Jack Horkheimer)..."keep looking up"!! :)

I'm so sorry for your horrific situation. During my divorce process I cried everyday for three months. I never thought that life would get back to normal.

As I've read about your plight, one thought has kept returning. Your soon to be Ex just may be setting himself up for a huge fall. Sure, everything seems hunky dory now, but if he is leaving for another woman, as well as leaving his good job, this could end up being a recipe for disaster. Any number of things could happen in Utah, once the 'honeymoon' of his midlife crises ends. Reality may set in, and it may not be pretty. For one, he may not find a well paying job, and end up strapped. Also, he doesn't really know his new 'inlaws'. They may end up being a nightmare, and never really accept him. Everyone can put on a show for a while, but it may not last. You just have to let things play out without trying to convince him, or your kids about the injustice of it all.

One of my children didn't talk to me for several years. The other two of the older set were quite distant. Now, eleven years later things are much better, with still more to work on. I decided that I couldn't convince them of my views of their father. All I could do was give as much unconditional love and attention to each of them as possible, despite their anger at me. I rarely mentioned their dad in conversation, unless they mentioned him first. Then I bit my tongue, to not bring them into the foray. Afterall, it was his and my problem, not theirs to solve.

As your children mature they are going to see their dad for who he really is. They will have clearer judgement about each of you. Right now, they desperately want to continue a relationship with him, even if it means hanging with the other woman.

Put your physical, mental, and financial needs first. Then, when you are feeling a little stronger, you can reach out more to the children, one baby step at a time, one day at a time. Let their father, hopefully, trip stumble and Fall. He'll eventually get what's coming to him, if not now, then later. I have this message to myself posted in a place where I can read it everyday. You may want to do the same.


"You know who you are. Walk with your head held high, with dignity.

The truth always prevails. If not now-later. Try to trust this universal law.

Those who know you-those worthy of your friendship and love, will always know the truth. The rest will eventually, even if you are not privy to it."

I hope this will help in some small way. Hugs

you need to get a big dose of reality. there is no station/position in life that really gaurantees that any person wont stab you in the back and then stab you in the heart, and there is no place where this is more true than in MORmONISM.
did you think you had immunity from being stabbed in the back because you thought you were a good parent/ good spouse/ good offspring? guess again!

your parents, siblings, children, any family member if they are MORmON and especially your church leaders have all been conditioned and accept the fact that the Church is more important than you. Many have even taken blood oathes in the LDS temple to put the church ahead of you and even their own life. That puts you at a very distant third place at best on their priority list and I am talking distant in astronomical terms. I am not saying this to be harsh. I am saying it so you can face reality and cope more effectively. Instead of just wondering what or how any of these ppl might offend you next, you need to learn to be your own best friend and realize that trashy two face ppl really arent worth being around anyway, EVEN if you do have to be alone, instead. You will be better off if you learn and remember that you will NEVER be able to satisfy MORmONS, even the ones who are family members. Its just a trap to even try and a fast track to feeling like Hell.

Best Wishes.

Unfortunately, we can't change that.

I'm a stranger on the internet and I love you and care about you because you are good and deserve it. But these people? They actually think it's "love" to be mean. Deep inside they think they can control you and force you to go to their church to escape the meaness they perpetrate. They've fallen into an evil mormon trap.

All I can say is you need to take solace knowing you're better than that. For now, I guess you'll have to take it an hour at a time. Take deep breaths and focus on something beautiful, the stars, a sunset, your favorite are or music. Get some exercise and get out of your house and look at nature. It helps me to clean a closet or a drawer, or do some other little task that improves my environment.

I guess I'm not like other people but the biggest relief in my life was realizing I could give up mormonism and although it would mean having not friends or family it would be well worth it. I imagined living totally alone knowing not one person and I knew it would be better than being a mormon as a way to hole on to their slight regard for me. Unfortunately, mormon love is not very sincere or lasting.

The mormons are caught in a web of control. They're like the spiders and nice decent nonmormons are their prey. We have to leave the web or have the life sucked from our veins. The good new is that if we're strong enough to see through this evil system, it means we're also strong enough to be alone. The other good news is that we won't have to be alone forever, not when there are total strangers on the internet who care and reach out. It might not seem like much comfort but it shows that all people are not controlled by an evil cult and that we can eventually find other friends and possibly one or two people who will be family to us.

Good luck and take care. You're stronger and better than you know.

I don't know all that much about other religions/tribes, but:
Mormon people seem to have a way at ONLY looking at 1/2 the Facts of these things (break-ups).... they seem to want to make it easy to assign blame (Always on the 'weaker' spouse?) and not deal with too many details.

Sometimes, the Nastiest Liar wins, the one with the Most to cover-up.

Kids learn ALL THE WRONG LESSONS in these things, ChurchCo DOESN'T CARE.

I'd like to Honestly tell you that 'things will get better', but sometimes they Don't (my divorce was an example). Sorry, very sorry that ChurchCo kisses ass of some real ASSHATS.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/29/2012 03:53AM by guynoirprivateeye.

I just read a few of your post and my heart sank. You sound like such a great woman that does not deserve this kind of hell. Especially from a man that sounds like a real ass-hat. I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a hug. I really really hope there is an end to this for you. I personally can't even begin to think what I'd do if it was me.

I appreciate all your thoughts. Of my 7 adult children 4 are tbm. Those are the 4 sitting around the table and having such a good time with the soon to be step mom. I guess I didn't want to admit they would care less about me if I left the Mormon church. How wrong I was. How very,very sad that is.I just keep thinking 'dammit-I raised those kids!' I just can't believe,after all their dad has done,that I am the one to feel like the looser.

But! I have my almost 9 year old daughter and 11 year old son. I have to do my best for them,and pray for the day their father moves to Utah. And hope to heck things settle down then.

I am so sorry for all of you that have been through this pain. But you made it through,and are here to support and encourage me. I appreciate that more than words can say.

Thank you RfM with a big hug.

You may want to visit your M.D. to see if he can help you. Beyond that, try to let go of the things that are beyond your control. You have control over how you act (i.e. by being a loving parent,) but not over how others (i.e. your children) respond to that.

Kids can always come around. They may ignore you for a few years, but that could change.

Focus on the two that you still have at home. Try to see things from their point of view. Having a parent who has to excuse herself ten times a day must be putting unbearable stress on them. Their childhood is happening right now. It can't wait for later. Try to be present for them.

but it really has little to do with you. Their behavior is actually quite typical even though it comes as a terrible blow to us, their mothers. We lived and worked so hard always thinking we were creating an "eternal" bond.

Sweetie, this is a Mormon creation. In reality, teenagers become obnoxious so they can break those bonds and form their own families AND LEAVE. Go forth to seek their fortune. In Mormon lala land is the only place where there is some kind of expectation or fantasy that Mom/Dad will be surrounded by loved ones as they age. Mormons sell this fantasy and it has made them rich.

Every older person I know has one or more grown children who do not talk to them. The man from Ethiopia across the hall? None of his five children in America call him--only the son who is still in Africa. Why? He says he doesn't know why. My best friend hears from her daughter once in a blue moon (like once a year). My other close friend in Seattle--only on Thanksgiving and then her daughter gets crazy drunk and smokes and weeps. Every time--my friend finally got tired of crying and just shakes her head. My former roommate in Monterey--her only son is in a Western band. He and his girlfriend came to visit and left suddenly in the middle of the night because my friend couldn't sleep and woke him up asking, "Why did you dedicate your album to your dad and not one mention of me as an 'influence'? I"M THE ONE WHO RAISED YOU?"

I am not minimizing the pain you are feeling, loveskids. I am in your same boat, as you know. I'm just pointing out that there's me, AND EVERY OLDER PERSON I KNOW--swear to God, there is not one, NOT ONE who has all her children still in her life. Don't ask me why, but there is this tendency in our society to blame the mother for everything that's wrong with your life. My sister and I blamed my mother. My children blame me.

I have a shrine in my room - my Buddha statue, candles, and photos of the people I loved who are no longer in my life. The ones who died, my mother/father/grandmother/grandfather/my son. And also the ones who no longer speak to me, my sister/oldest son/oldest daughter/3 grandchildren/friends. I grieve their loss the same as the ones who died. And I let them all go because there is nothing else I can do. I have been angry, sad, weepy, laughy, I have seen every side of the irony of all of it and have even done ceremonies. I have burned photos, floated photos away on water, tossed stuff in the ocean from bridges, burned candles, incense, and potpourri.

You are grieving the loss of the imaginary bond you were promised. It was an illusion but the loss is no less painful. My comforting thought for you is that you are not alone, you have PLENTY of company in the loss of the future you imagined. I actually thought I would be sort of honored, like a pioneer--the one who first heard the gospel and converted to Mormonism! A heroine! Instead, I am the dog that lead my little children into an emotional burden they will struggle to overcome the rest of their lives. Nice.

The good news is that whatever you call it in your spiritual path, karma is real. We actually reap what we sow in THIS LIFE, not just the next. You can trust this--you might notice in some statues of Buddha, he is pointing his finger to the earth. The earth bears witness to what he has experienced. The earth, in a way, records everything that happens. That means no retelling of history is ever really successful.

People pay for what they've done INSIDE THEMSELVES. I still remember some cruel things I did to high school friends--50 years ago! In fact, it is the mistakes and bad things I've done that I remember the most--NOT the things that were done to me. This is a powerful comfort for those of us who have been treated unfairly by children or parents or siblings. For those who have been wronged, there is justice and not just in the hereafter.

For examples, Ernest Hemmingway comes to mind. Why do you think he shot himself in the woods when he was 65? Regret. He said, "I should never have left Hadley." He did, though, because he could. He was a ruggedly handsome celebrity author, you might say he was very successful, right? He left his wife because he could-- and he lived to regret it. All those men who "got" the loyalty of their children will lose it--because those children will leave, in time, will re-examine their lives and relationships and they will learn what we all do, that life is actually not black and white and they've made mistakes.

An example from my own life: my Mormon exhusband who told my children he wanted new children who wouldn't share my (exmormon) values. New children who were male (our five were all girls). Well, my youngest child has been emailing his oldest son, yeah, even the heir to the throne of his mind. She has confirmed his doubts in the church and he has made the decision to reject a mission and join the Coast Guard. The six-year old he refused to visit, whom he called an "animal" is now a married science major that his golden boy said was "the only person I can really talk to."

Almost restores my belief in a god in heaven. Well, not quite. Anyway, loveskids, my heart is with you and I know you will get through this grieving period. It feels like the end of the world, but look at what a survivor you are. Look in the eyes of your little kids who adore you and count on you. They see you with the eyes of innocence and love, without the brainwashing, and they see the loving person you are.

Whether or not anyone else "sees" you or is loyal to you, that doesn't change who you are or what you've accomplished to be there for your children.

Since people are sharing their mantras and affirmations, I'll share mine, which certainly applies to you as well, "No matter what you say or what you do, I am still a worthwhile person."

Hugs and love to you at this time

Anagrammy

It's ok to cry. It is.

The pain you're feeling should be let out and crying is the best way to do it. I believe it's a natural way for your mind and body to reset themselves to the difficult circumstances surrounding you at this time. Feelings of anger, loss, and even isolation all get jumbled together in a seemingly irreconcilable fit of confusion. When your children do see you cry, talk to them about it and explain what's going inside your soul. They can learn a thing or two about human pain and suffering by watching someone face it squarely and overcoming it bit by bit. It will get better. It takes time. It will be ok.

Accepting the fact that family (older children included) would behave in a manner that is TOTALLY opposite from what you would have EVER expected is a tough reality to accept. It can seem almost impossible to think that you could be so easily dismissed and forgotten. It's almost surreal to even think that family would outcast you and cling to their prepackaged ideas of family that aren't even based on true love and compassion. A church that uses fear to promote unity is just plain wrong. Know that you are a wonderful and beautiful person and don't let them get the better of you. Eternity knows.

Make a goal or reinforce your goals to excercise daily. 45 to 60 minutes 4 to 5 times a week is good. Walking or hiking is a great way to get the chemicals running in your body naturally, and it gets you outside. Cycling is also good. Since you home-school, I'm sure your youngest won't mind getting outside. Listen to uplifting music. Rearrange your rooms. Find your new favorite movie. Starting over can be one of the most difficult things anyone ever has to do, but it's often necessary. It'll be ok.

Hey, loveskids,

I am truly sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. There's some excellent advice up-thread and I really hope you find some comfort in it.

But. This. "Between this and reliving my accident over and over again I feel so emotionally exhausted and weak."

Re-living a trauma over and over again may be a sign of PTSD. If you can, try to see someone to help you get past the trauma of your accident. You're dealing with enough right now without having to relive this trauma over and over again. It might be worth your time to investigate this and see if you can find a little relief.

Best of luck to you.

Yes you can handle it, and you will handle it. It will likely be the toughest thing you have ever gone through, but you can make it Loveskids.

You come from a long line of survivors. For millions of years, your ancestors have faced difficult adversity, but in every single case, they were able to survive long enough to pass on their genetic code so you could be born with all of their combined strengths. You are not weak, and if you think you are, then you have been grossly mislead.

You will make it through this, it will be your greatest triumph, and you will do it for yourself and your kids.

Don't judge yourself by how you wished your life could have been, but by how great your life can yet become.

My ex left me for another man. I won't go into all the details of the leaving. It just got uglier and uglier. It was a living hell. I got beyond the tears. I was just shut down completely. I had to keep living for my kids--but certainly didn't want to. His life seemed to be cruising along just fine with his new lover. At night is when it would all come out. I'd wake up sobbing. I took hydrocodone to sleep until it ran out. I read books about the Holocaust until 3 or 4 a.m. until I fell asleep from exhaustion. My life was a living hell for at least 9 years. Hate to say that, but it is true.

Nowadays--I have my old boyfriend back from my 20s and I've been with him for 7 years (not that everything is always perfect though), my ex and I are good friends and when I'm in Utah, I live at our house with him and we get along great. Our son has some issues and our daughter is TBM, but, for the most part things have finally come full circle. It took about 10 years before things really started turning around--but I had horrible financial problems.

I know the pain. When things started to get better, I used to sit in the bath tub (where nobody could see me) and sob, not believing I had made it through.

I did find a wonderful therapist--who I still go to when I need him. My family wasn't much there--but I took a few of them in during this horrible time because that was my job in the family.

I really don't know how I made it--but I did. One thing I can say--is you have to stop thinking about it. I know--sounds impossible--but I did. I made sure I heard as little about him as possible and I didn't go near where he works. I didn't know where he lived--ON PURPOSE. Any exposure to him was living h*ll. I never would have believed I'm where I am now.

Things will get better. I promise.

May I say--I read Barney's thread and I hope you can get a lawyer who will handle everything so you don't have to interact with the ex except on rare occasions. That is what a good lawyer should do for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/29/2012 11:22AM by cl2.

I am sorry you are hurting so much, loveskids. Breathe, cry, let yourself fall apart for a little bit then pull back together. Going through something like this is a process of falling apart and then coming back together until the falling apart is less and less.

Unfortunately, kids often take sides at first. Eventually they sort out what is what and will see their dad and you for who you are. You can't do anything about them right now. That is for the future.

Right now, focus on caring for yourself. The best bit of advice I got when I was going through the pain of divorce and drowning in depression and sadness was if I took care of myself, everything else would follow and my kids would be OK. It turned out to be right.

Hang in there.

Lots of people have given you great advice and perspectives and I will add my two cents and send you a big hug and my peace.

First, you are assuming a lot from a photo, you don't know what came before and what will come after. People look happy for pictures, and mormons, especially, strive for an image of happy. Don't read too much into it. Even people who are totally abused by their moms, still, just want their moms. And people lie about how great their life is, again, especially, mormons.

Just wait... things WILL change. And Karma is a bitch!

In the meantime, disengage. From your in-laws and from your older kids. Do not give them any more of your precious, finite energy. Just for now, build up your strength by caring for yourself and those little ones. Your grownup kids have support and can fend for themselves. Your little ones cannot. Take care of them by taking care of you. You have 2 beautiful kids, is that enough for you? or do you need more? I think you will be surprised to find that you actually have what you need. Focus all your energy on your new little family.

The other thing that you may want to quickly grow is a fabulous "fuck you" attitude. Women tend to turn their pain inward on themselves. When you think of someone who has hurt you and you are about to take it personally and assault yourself, repeatedly, with their words and behavior, in your mind, stop and say "fuck you." Roll your eyes, make a tsk tsk sound, and repeat "fuck you" when you are about to replay the hurt and their disgusting behaviors. Don't engage in your mind. Defend your self internally. If you must talk to one of them, wear your fuck-you-attitude like armor.

You've had a good cry, now don't give them another tear or another night's worth of good sleep. You owe it to yourself and your babies to have a great life with or without them.

If it starts to worry you, maybe some anti-anxiety meds? I know he canceled your insurance, but depending on your location, there are mental health groups that offer low-cost or free medication.

When I first started going through my divorce process, I also had a lot of other drama with "friends." I cried all the time, especially when certain songs came on the radio. It started to affect my work, so I went on Paxil for a time. It did help, but in retrospect, I wish i had started talk therapy at the time as well.

Please, please be careful with the Tylenol. It can really screw up your liver, even in small doses. You can find OTC sleeping pills with the same active ingrdiant that helps you fall asleep. It's the same ingredient that's Benadryl- Diphenhydramine HCI- unless of course you can't take that either.

You have been through some serious shit in the last year and I think it's reasonable to feel as much pain as you do. Is it possible to find a support group in your area?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/29/2012 11:47AM by Itzpapalotl.

I just hurt for you, LovesKids. Please, keep going, stay strong for your two youngest and most of all FOR YOU. Get medication to help you through this if you need; and get a good lawyer to plan out the allimony and child support you require.

If you can take charge in just these two areas, it may help you realize that while you can't control your brainwashed TBM kids and the douchebag spouse, you can still take charge of your life. You'll get through this.

I'm not in the happiest of marriages right now myself--but the fact I have a decent job and am trying to finish raising two great kids has really kept me going. Helps me realize that even though my TBM spouse looks down on me and has a great sense of entitlement in many things, I am still worthwhile and I can get through this.

Please take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's so difficult. I understand where you are coming from.
I've worked with courts in CA with custody battles and I've seen how ugly divorce can get: how the kids can take sides, how they learn to appease one side and the other, how they form packs to protect themselves even from a young age, how the allegations and accusations come and go, how the process bogs down and on and on and on. I know people who are still dealing with the divorce custody and child support 10 plus years later. It seems to be part of an on going process.

What I do know, is that it almost always gets better. Women, that I know that have gone through it seem to eventually be able to get through the crying and anger and rage. They learn how to work the process.

If you're in CA, Mediation is how the details of the Family Plan are worked out. The Judge just rubber stamps what the mediator presents in most cases.

I don't know one family that doesn't have at least one child that has betrayed them, lied, some taken them to court. In my case,(with the people I know personally and worked with in the courts, they are/were not LDS. It's not always over divorce, but often it is. Seems to go with the territory.

All I can tell you is that you need to put yourself first, see a doctor if you need to, make sure you are in the best health and get yourself a counselor if you need help with the emotional devastation. Sounds like you do! It's OK. You'll need to be in good shape. This is going to seem like you are running a marathon for a very long time.

The upshot is that you'll learn a lot from this process about you and everyone else in the family and the court system.

Hang in there. Find someway to get the support you need and hold your head high. It's going to be a wild and crazy ride.
But you can do it!

I hope you'll talk to your doctor if you need some medical intervention on this.

I'm reading a book right now called "Feeling Good" with someone to help them work through a fairly severe depression. It has a lot of ideas, and even though we've just started it, I think it has helped a bit. (This person is also on meds and seeing a psychologist, btw . . . I think it's important to realize sometimes you NEED professional help). In reading the book, I've found things that I could definitely improve upon as well.

Fundamentally, the book claims that it is our thoughts, rather than the events of our life that create our feelings. So if we want to feel better, we need to redirect the way we think.

But it's also perfectly reasonable that there is going to be a period of grieving when you are going through something like you are.

Things (not from the book) that have given this person immediate relief:

1) distracting or helping her change her state of mind:

a) blasting music that brings the right kind of energy she needed. She picked. This might be upbeat, dance music, peaceful, inspirational, angry, or whatever you choose. Notice if it makes you feel better or worse, and change it up until you feel better.
b) for me, sometimes cleaning gets me in a better frame of mind. Yeah, I know that's kind of weird, but I think it helped her, as well, to have more order in her space. I think it's emotionally cleansing to dejunk.
c) accomplishing something challenging, like learning something new.

You might also want to consider some extreme self care: get a massage or pedicure. Buy yourself some flowers. Read a book. Whatever recharges you. I know that sometimes after I've been emotionally drained, I just have to do nothing for a few days.

Maybe come up with some mantras that bring you peace and reassurance. I know someone who actually recorded some of these and plays them on a recording to herself. Use "you are" statements, so you hear someone telling you that "you are capable and strong" or "You will get through this and be stronger and happier in the end", or whatever you decide to say. Most people will believe those statments more that way than if they say "I am".

SuzieQ#1 . . . if you are out there, I think you have a long list of affirmations you posted a long time ago?

<hugs>

Just for TODAY. I want you to not think about all of those other people.
don't think about the past, don't worry about tomorrow.

Spend the day finding a new attorney. Nothing else.

Once you've done that, give yourself an hour to stew,and cry.

Spend the rest of your day giving attention to your kids.

My situation was different than yours in many ways, but I understand the emotional pain you're going through. I had to go into a "mind zone" in order to survive emotionally. And like you, I hung on for my two children.

You WILL get through it, though! Trust me on that one! It hurts so very badly right now. And it's hard to understand how people can be so purposely cruel. But they are cruel, and that's not going to change and there's nothing we can do about it. So we continue to live and we work our way out of the sadness, despair and loneliness until we're at a happy place in our lives again.

For now, take care of you and your two kids. Let go of the rest of them. I realize that's hard but in order to survive, you need to toughen up emotionally. You can be strong!

We're here for you :)

TG

Yes you can and will handle it --When this happend to me I went so low that I did not eat for three days and started to cough up blood --I then decided that the world was a big place with plent to do --i decided that I wsould not let it kill me _

Plenty of hot baths
Travel 1 hour from your home
Find a nice hotel and spoil yourself -you deserve it
Find a new restaurant and enjoy good food
Totally ignore him and your children until they want contact

Remember what goes around comes around --His day will come!!
Good luck and take it easy !!

JB

I really feel for you, having gone through major life-screwing-up stuff myself.

If these people are all TBM's, remember that they are in a cult. They don't think they are, they think have the truth--and that's one sure sign of a cult, even if you could communicate that to them.

Thanks so much everyone. I love you all....total strangers that have made this awful journey of mine easier. Hearing your stories helps me to realize that,I too can do this. I will stop worrying about my older kids...I have no control over them. And I will focus on my 2 kids at home. My 11 year old son came in my room last night crying. It was 3:00 and he said he had had a bad dream. That his dad moved to Utah and didn't give us any money and we were living on the street. I need to be more reassuring to them that this would never happen. I love them so much,these 2 babies of mine.

I CAN DO THIS!!

of course you can! now strap on your boots, you have a lot of shit to wade through.

I've done this twice, and am here to tell about it. People get divorced all the time, and live through it.

Reframe your thinking about your soon to be ex. He's your enemy on every level. Stop thinking about coulda, shoulda, woulda. His bed partner is getting exactly what she deserves.

Now go get yourself a new attorney, make sure his bed partner has to get a job to support you and his kids.

Don't be sad, be pissed! Anger will help you through this. You can be sad later. Right now you need energy. Being angry will give you energy. Anger does have a purpose. Eventually you will put it down and move past it. Don't worry about that.

LK,
I have been reading your posts and my heart breaks for you.
I have not been in your exact situation, but I have been thru a time when everyone who was supposed to love me most completely and smugly turned their back on me at a very precarious time in my life.
I want to share what helped me, and it's worth only what you pay for it:
I cultivated a hot burning hatred and rage for those ppl whO betrayed me. That wrath and hatred gave me the strength and energy to deal with what I had to and kept the frigid waters of depression and self pity from consuming me by boiling them off and running on the steam.
I pretty much gave a big middle finger to all those who didn't care enough to be supportive, gave in to the rage, and GOT. SHIT. DONE.!
Give your rage and indignation a voice, feel the power in it and focus it into ruthless energy to fight for yourself and the kids that actually matter at this point in time and let the others go fuck themselves.
You are no longer a little Mormon woman who must never feel anything negative. You are a woman who has been systematically fucked over by those who you gave everything too and you should be angry, you should feel hatred and want vengeance. You are entitled to that and I suggest you use it to give yourself the energy you need to fight.
You CAN do this, LK, even if you have to get a punching bag and when you feel a bout of crying comming on, pound the shit out of it.
As I said before, my 2 cents is worth only what you paid for it.
I am rooting for you, girl, hang in there!
From one of my fav Otep songs: "Rise, Rebel, Make a fist, RESIST!"
(you may find the song inspiring, so here is a link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-S3OMCl3vUo&feature=youtube_gdata_player)

Ps. Here are the lyrics:

OTEP LYRICS

"Rise Rebel Resist"
Perfect little spouses
In perfect little houses
Its family fun time
Lets commit a hatecrime

...If I cant be loved,
Then I'll be hated

I'm disconnected
I'm uninspired
I'm burning in water
I'm drowning in fire

I'm trapped inside my mind
Beneath these piles of stinking life
You use this abuse to keep me conquered
You're so absurdly common

Vacant faces
Brainless strangers

Sputtering, stuttering insect language
I'm the creature you created
Everyday I grow jaded
Calloused and exaspered

If I'll never be loved
Then I'll be hated

I'm the one of the freaks, the @#$%&, the geeks, the savages, rouges, rebels, dissident devils, artists, martyrs, infidels...

Do we sit still
Under attack

Or do we start pushing back?

Never back up
Never back down

And Fight
Rise, Rebel, Resist
Rise, rebel, make a fist, resist
Rise, rebel, resist
Rise, rebel, make a fist, resist

I'm human pollution
I covet retribution
I'm just a big mistake
A defect you can subjugate

Your ridicule is just typical antics
Spineless, mindless, tragic, fanatic

Puritan, bigot, lunatic, hypocrite

To save my soul from disaster
Self destruction could be the answer

If I'll never be loved
Then I'll be hated

I'm the one of the freaks, the @#$%&, the geeks, the savages, rouges, rebels, dissident devils, artists, martyrs, infidels...

Do we sit still
Under attack

Or do we start pushing back?

Never back up
Never back down

And Fight
Rise, Rebel, Resist
Rise, rebel, make a fist, resist
Rise, rebel, resist
Rise, rebel, make a fist, resist

Masochistic
So sadistic
All they see is another statistic

Maybe I'm a misfit, maybe I'm different
It will never be an average existence

Masochistic
So sadistic
All they see is another statistic

If I cant be loved
Then I'll be hated

Its family fun time
Lets commit a hatecrime

WAR WAR

Rise, Rebel, Resist
Rise, rebel, make a fist, resist
Rise, rebel, resist
Rise, rebel, make a fist, resist

We are the freaks, the @#$%&, the geeks, the savages, rouges, rebels, dissident devils, artists, martyrs, infidels...

Do we sit still
Under attack

Or do we start pushing back?

Never back up
Never back down
And Fight

WAR WAR

Maybe you should rethink your decision to homeschool your kids. Are the schools really that bad? Since you're getting divorced, you probably ought to get a job.

I'd say send those children to school, get out of the house and start earning your own money. I'm not trying to be harsh, just realistic. It's hard to feel rejected, but you will survive this, and you ARE strong enough to handle this.

Dump the pitiful little woman Mormon mindset and take the bull(shit) by the horns. Kick some ass, woman, and stop wallowing. It's fine to feel sad and certainly angry sometimes, but DO something about it! You don't want to continue taking money from "DH" forever, do you? Stand on your own two feet, and flip the bastard off.

Or keep doing what you've been doing, if you think it's working well for you.

Adding to the suggestions for self-nurturing/self-comfort: Exercise.

Maybe you take a 45-minute walk with the kids. Go bike riding with them. Teach them to play tennis. Go take tap dancing lessons with them. Or martial arts -- get all of you into a taekwondo class.

You need exercise every day for your health. It will help you keep your energy levels up and getting all those endorphins swimming around (which is why I call them "En-dolphins" :>)), elevates your mood. This will give you the mental strength to keep on keeping on every day, even when it seems like you're getting hammered from all sides all the time.

Just schedule one hour every day for you and the kids to get outside and get moving! The kids will love the attention and 1:1 time with mom, and they will get their kid-energy burned off, and you will feel better. The extra exercise might even help you sleep better. Eating as healthfully as possible is also a good idea. Take care of your body and it will take care of you!

Much love to you!

First of all, you are not in any frame of mind to be thinking clearly when you haven't slept.

Go to a doc and get Trazedone. It is not addictive and even a small dose can help you sleep. It is also not listed as a med that causes cancer.

I feel your sadness and despair with your words. Take a break from Facebook for awhile. Get busy volunteering or doing something you love every day. You need to start living and set aside the insensitivity of others. It is thier problem. Not yours.

Call an old friend. Go to lunch. Take care of someone who needs it more than you do. Most of all get help if you are considering doing something drastic. I mean find someone to talk to, not pills. You can pull yourself out of this. You have every right to be happy and spend every day pursuing joy and fulfillment.

Start now. Go crazy, take a sudden road trip to someplace beautiful if you have to. Just don't think you don't have anywhere else to turn.

There is a ton of good advice here. I just want to say I really feel for you. I have been through a major betrayal and I have a to say I was surprised to find myself lying on the floor screaming. You have every right to feel the way you feel.

It doesn't seem like it now, but it will get better, you will be wiser, which always comes with a price. And at some point you will see really beautiful things that you could have never have appreciated before.

Who wants that kind of husband?? His girlfriend really picked a winner, didn't she? I do sincerely hope your children find you again and look at you with new eyes.