Posted by:
doubleb
(
)
Date: March 15, 2012 02:36AM
I enjoy the sillier posts on the board, but the core facts should oft be repeated for new posters, lurkers, and trolls. Enjoy.
Before...
- Joseph was an uneducated farmboy
- He was a good kid, but maybe known for wrastling and misbehaving at times
- He had a vision with Moroni, later with God & Jesus
- He wasn't to join any church, needed to restore the true church
- He translated the Book of Mormon
- He organized the church, restored priesthood
- He restored temple ceremony
- He was persecuted heavily for no apparent reason, other than the devil was after him
- He and helpless mormons roamed the midwest settling in Nauvoo
- He was martyred by a random mob whipped up by the devil
- He has done more for mankind save Jesus Christ
After...
- Joseph made money as a kid by ripping off unsuspecting individuals while using a peep stone
- He was into magic and became a good storyteller
- He was convicted in a court of law for fraud associated with digging for gold and using a peep stone
- He told at least three different versions of the first vision (as many as nine versions)
- He joined the Methodist church a year or two after God supposedly told him otherwise
- He was told about a book called "The View of the Hebrews"
- He got an idea for making money, write a book like "The View", claim it was translated from gold plates
- He looked at peepstone in his hat, narrated a fairly meaningless book (no doctrine), copied heavily from the Bible
- He flipped out when Martin Harris' wife destroyed the Book of Lehi
- He didn't re-translate it, just moved on
- He convinced Martin Harris to put up money for the book's printing
- He never showed the purported gold plates to anyone
- He talked a couple of friends into acting as witnesses of seeing the gold plates "with their spiritual eyes"
- He noted no dates for Moroni visits (except magical fall solstice), nor first vision, nor when priesthoods were restored
- He ripped off Masonic rituals for temple ceremonies
- He bought a funeral scroll from an Egyptian antiquities peddler, claimed it to be the Book of Abraham
- He roamed the Midwest to stay ahead of people he owed money to
- He and mormons were hated and thrown out of many towns, never settling in an established city
- He stole the life savings off of many followers in Kirtland claiming god wanted him to start a bank
- He never had a job, sucked from the teet of his flock
- He moved to Missouri and said the Garden of Eden used to be right over there
- He got duped into translating the Kinderhook plates, but downplayed the reveal that it was all a hoax
- He prophesied a lot about the end of the world and second coming, but kept pushing the date back
- He and mormons got kicked out of Missouri because they killed a bunch of people
- He drained the swamp at Nauvoo because it was the only god-forsaken land no one had any claim on
- He sent Porter Rockwell back to Missouri to shoot Gov Boggs as an act of revenge (Rockwell went to court, jail)
- He concocted the polygamy principle so he could schtupp live-in servant and maid Fanny Alger, age 16
- He had Olivery Cowdery excommunicated when he complained about adultery with Fanny Alger
- He figured, "What the hell? No one's gonna stop me," so he also schtupped dozens of other salvation-seeking sisters
- He schtupped Eliza R Snow, author of the beloved hymn "Oh My Father"
- He schtupped the recently orphaned Lawrence sisters, ages 17 and 19, and stole their inheritance
- He schtupped the 14 year old daughter of Heber C Kimball ensuring her eternal salvation (and a good time, wink wink)
- He sent a handful of men on missions so he could schtupp their wives while the men were away
- He claimed to be King of the World and alluded to being a god, maybe even the Holy Ghost in body form
- He established a new earth-based government superseding the US Gov't on whose land he and mormons were living
- He threatened wife Emma that she would be destroyed by God (like Gov Boggs?) if she intervened on the harem thing
- He got up to 33 women on his bed/wife list before he approached the wife of First Presidency member William Law
- He was confused when Law's wife said no and Law told him to back off
- He excommunicated William Law and his wife
- He got pissed when Law printed the Nauvoo Expositor revealing Joseph's sexual transgressions, Law called him a weenie
- He had Law's printing press destroyed by the town marshall and then ran to Nebraska for fear of his life
- He returned to Illinois after his friends convinced him otherwise and went to Carthage Jail for inciting a riot, treason
- He sat in jail, not as a lamb, but armed with a revolver in case Law came after him
- He got shot by some citizens pissed that Joseph had linked church & state and denied Law his freedom of speech
- He died and justice had been accomplished
- He hadn't established any transition plans, so it was a free-for-all on who'd be next prophet
- He got replaced by Brigham Young who loved to schtoop, including Eliza R Snow
- And so it goes
It's amazing how different the sanitized, superficial story is from the more detailed, logical facts.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/15/2012 07:39PM by doubleb.