After I told my husband how i felt about the church and the horrific info and history that the church represses from its members i felt like we were somewhat on the same page. He was upset at first but gradually started doubting. He stopped going to church and things were getting better between us. The lady that i used to visit teach with called me one morning and asked why i hadn't been at church or answered her phone calls. I felt compelled to tell the truth. I told her i was not interested in the church. She wanted to come over and talk and i said no. She is a very pushy woman. Exposing the truth ended up being a horrible decision. Word quickly spread throughout the ward that we had lost interest and were doubting. The bishop called my husband in to talk with him. My husband told him that i did not believe anymore and somehow convienced my husband to start attending and begin to strengthen his testimony once more. Now they meet regularly and my husband has started attending again each week with our little girl. This has devistated me. I thought we were on the same page and now he is meeting with the bishop without my permission and talking about our personal life and me. I know bishops have broken up many marriages advising
divorce as an option when one spouse leaves. I have begged my husband not to speak with the bishop and we end up arguing. He confides in the bishop more than he does me. My entire family is strong in the church and i feel so alone. I feel that this will eventually break up my marriage. I have fallen into a pretty serious depression and although i would never kill myself the thought has crossed my mind.
We both regret our marriage to each other and are trying to make it work for our little girl. I feel dead inside. Like how is it that i am the only one that sees the BS in the mormon church and everyone else in my family is blind to it. It is like the church programs members from infancy never to doubt. Stay clear of wanderers because they are evil. Part of me just wants to run away from my life. Leave everyone behind and start new. Obviously this isn't an option but sometimes i wish it was. I can't answer the door anymore because it is usually someone from the church asking to talk with me. If i don't recognize a phone number on my caller ID i dont pick up. I am practically a prisoner in my own home. The church has ruined my life. Maybe ignorance really is bliss.

Stick to your guns! However, with that please be practical. In terms of the polygamous theology behind your marriage, if you divorce or should the bishop convince him to cut you lose. He can be sealed again. Careful about child custody. You don't want to lose more than you must. If you love the guy, become a social member. In time he may wake back up. Don't fight but be patient. Always remember he has been or is being brain washed and coming out is hard. Make your love more attractive than any organization.

Many hugs and supportive thoughts for you, Regan. Yes, it's very hard to fight a bunch of people who are blind and bent on controlling. Maybe your husband will wake up and realize he's being played. If he doesn't, he's being fooled and controlled by others. That's not a situation where you could ever be truly happy. Do you really want a guy (even if he IS your daughter's father) who would throw your marriage under the bus like that?

No matter what he does, though, your life is your life. Kudos to you for not handing it (and your mind) over to other people. You still have the ability to think and reason and choose for yourself -- something they have all surrendered in exchange for a lifetime of being told what to do, think, eat, drink, wear, and say.

You can't unring a bell. You can't go back to being ignorant, either. Even if you can't run away, you have already started over -- you're thinking for yourself and standing up to enormous pressure. Good for you!

They can't legally harass you. If they persist with the phone calls and unwanted visits, you CAN get a restraining order.

You can make it through this. Getting out of this mind-controlling cult is hard and painful, but worth it. If the family members choose the cult over you, it's THEIR loss.

The best defense is a good offense. Stop being afraid of them and next time they bother you, read them the riot act (as they say.) Don't be afraid to get up in someone's face if they start laying a heavy trip on you. You'd be surprised how fast they get the message. And most important you'll feel a LOT better!

There's great advise here! Be strong, stand up for your convictions, try to work on your marriage. I know it must be hard... I don't know what the issues are in your marriage. But if you can be a unified front with your husband, you can stand up to the morg. How is your sex life? I would start with more sex.

Wow, this is tough for you. The depression is likely to rob you of the energy to do the right thing, like stand up to your harrassers.

Have you thought about getting counseling? I think you might want to have a few sessions on your own to get your head back on straight before you even try couples counseling.

Talking to a marriage counseler would give you a place to establish some sort rules for rebuilding your marriage, if that is what you want to do.

It sounds like your husband has (at least temporarily) chosen the church over your marriage. Depression seems pretty justified after that sort of behavior on his part. It's part of the grieving process. You just don't want to get stuck in this phase.

Hang in there, we send hugs.

Regan don't let them get you down. Just be firm, you don't believe. You dont need a reason to not believe. The fact is you don't. It is the same logic that Mormons use to justify their testimony.

Oh, and when my girlfriend does not want me to go somewhere, she puts on an apron, and nothing else. She cant cook for her life, but seriously I cant leave the house knowing how hot she is.

And when my GF wants me to come home... Underwear text. I'm like a pavlov dog when those come through...

Good luck, with your situation. Hopefully hubby will come around on his own. Maybe try and make him think its his idea.

Regan, you are grieving a loss right now, without even realizing that grief is a process. You have lost the dream you had, the comfort of feeling the unity of your husband in your disaffection with the church. The only thing that has changed is the Bishop has caused him to reconsider the truthfulness of the church.

You are still you, he is still your husband, your daughter is still your daughter. You have years of unity and a sex life with your husband. You, my dear, are much stronger than the bishop in this situation.

You are panicking because on the short term your loss feels like a permanent loss, but that isn't necessarily true. You and your husband are in it for the long haul. You and he may have said things against your marriage continuing, like regretting you married each other, but in fact, you have a parental bond and you have formed a family unit that you both care about.

Can you envision yourself as a happily married woman whose husband is a Mormon? Can you imagine yourself handling the difference in his belief/non-belief as just him sorting stuff out--that it isn't you. This is not about you--he has to find his own way in life.

The question is whether or not you can stand him choosing a different path than you thought. If you love him, you must set him free to walk towards Mormonism if he wants, until he himself sees that it is choking his life. Every person has the right to be free to change, to grow, to move in a new direction, without losing the love of their spouse.

Would you love him if he became a Rosecrucian? What about Seventh Day Adventist?

There are people here who have made enormous sacrifices in controlling their temper and attending boring meetings because they wanted to preserve a family for their children. They wanted them to have a mother AND a father and not be shuttled between homes. They didn't want their child to be the one anxiously straining to see if their other parent managed to make it to the play. They wanted their child to be the smiling, confident one who knows both their parents are in the audience. The one who isn't worried about which one to join for pancakes after the play. And will the other be hurt? Mad? Sad?

I encourage you to make your child your number one concern and forget about your anger toward the church. Will you let that anger take away your child's mother or father? Will you let them have the power? NO! I say fight for your right to have an intact family.

You will need to stop seeing your husband's religious choice as a rejection of you. You must also see your non-belief (or belief in another religion, whichever) as an equally valid belief system worthy of respect. You would apologize to your husband for any rude behavior that has caused stress and promise to support him in whatever he decides to believe because you love him and your daughter.

To demonstrate your determination, you go with him to church every other week as his wife, so he and your daughter will not be alone in the pew. This cements your rights in the eyes of the ward and they cannot do stuff behind your back. You will be there for her little plays for Primary, you will be there for Mother's day, you will not be the cause of her receiving pity.

If this is something you just can't do, but wish you could, then email me at anagrammy@gmail.com and I can help you get there.

If you have no interest in this kind of compromising, patient attitude, then you may very well be headed for divorce. If that's the case, you are being labeled the "bad one" and may be fighting to keep your parental rights.

I mention this not to scare you but to help you see that there is no easy road ahead. It's a battle either way--you battling your hatred for the church in order to save your family or you battling your husband and his unholy alliance with the church against you as an undesirable/unfit mother.

My heart goes out to you-- this wasn't what you thought your life would be, but it may not be forever, so don't despair.

((hugs))

Anagrammy

I don't think that it is always a healthy thing to have one foot in the door. Gosh... I have lived half my life with one foot in the door one foot out. It causes great stress and cognitive dissonance to live a lie. I think that if you believe that something is harmful and deceitful that it is important to stand up to it and be an example to your child. If you give the church even the tinest crumb they are all over you like ants. Sometimes you just need to break free. The Mormon church is an all or nothing sort of deal.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/19/2012 02:49AM by Regan.

Here's what I think:

Answer the question: "What does Regan want?" ___________ (make an honest prioritized list).

For each item you want, ask "Does Regan have this?"___ Y or N

If you can't say "Y" to the first few things, you need to change your life so that you can have, or begin the process of getting the most important things.

If you do this, you'll be of much better value to yourself, your husband and your child(ren). And you'll be much happier.

The Mormon church is an all or nothing thing for you only if you think it is.

It is possible to rethink that -- there are plenty of New Order Mormons (NOMs) and nevermo's who have made compromises to keep a family together. It's not ideal, that's for sure.

That may not be possible for you in your heart, in your situation. There is no pat answer because foremost and uppermost, we are all individuals and these situations are complicated. That's where the Mormons have it all wrong. There is no one-plan-fits-all and when you think about it, it is ridiculous.

Letting it unfold from within is the best assurance of a course of action that's right for YOU.

It's important to treat depression with the help of your doctor while you sort this all out. After my son died, I was on anti-depressants for several months until I could cope and they really saved me. There is nothing wrong or "weak" about getting the support you need through a difficult time.

We're hear rooting for you!

Best

Ana

Pick up a Sunday hobby like hiking or biking or yoga. After a while they'll see you having fun on Sunday instead of being stuck in a Cult Indoctrination Center. High probability they will join you.

Oh, Regan, Regan, Regan... I feel so sorry for you. I'm in a similar situation with my wife. (The difference is that my kids are all adults now.)

I'm having a very tough time right now and I have no answers. I just hope you can make it work.

I second Major Bidamon's advice to pick up a hobby. I try to be out of the house at least while my wife is at church. Some Sundays I try to be gone all day. My wife has had meetings with the bishop or bishopric without telling me. (I find out by accident later, because she's terrible at keeping secrets.)

Best wishes to you. If I prayed, I would say a prayer for you, but as it is, I'll just send some positive thoughts your way. :)

Yes it hurts but remember independence is always a struggle. This one is worth it - be firm and hold your ground like a giant granite boulder. Eventually, the world around you will adapt TO YOU.