I have been as Alma the younger, and now I repent of my ways.
I bear to each of you my sure testimony. I know the Mall is true. With every fiber of my being I know it is the Lord's mall, the only true mall on the face of the earth today.
Brothers and Sisters, the Mall is led by a living prophet, even Thomas S. Monson. He holds the keys of the Mall, and receives revelation for it in these latter days.
Lay down your pride and come back. Find safety and shelter in the Mall. Feast upon the Chick-fil-A, and bask in the glow of the everlasting Gap. If you will but ponder upon the goodness of J. Crew and pray with a sincere heart, J. Howard Christ, CEO will manifest the truth of these things unto you.
If you could hie to Kohl's in the twinkling of an eye, could you ever find the generation where God's Malls began to be?
It is true! It is true! It is true!
In the precious and holy name of Joseph Smith (dba Smith Holdings Inc),
The mall is the alpha and the omega, for it has a retractable roof and a retractable history. No mall money was used for charity. The low were kept low and the mighty raised up. When Jesus first came slumming to Earth, he learned that we are judged by the company we keep, even the companies and especially the anchor companies we keep.
I miss these little testimony duels. I need to start humbly demonstrating my moral superiority again and attempt to one up you at every turn. You know like what ACTUALLY HAPPENS in real testimony meetings.
The Mall is indeed true, and it cost a mere $5 billion. What better use for the tithing of the faithful? The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, shall bless those who lighten their wallets in His Mall.