I seen this comment a few times in some of the threads here. Also, when my husband and I were going through some things just a few months ago as he didn't believe, I was finding things out about the Mormon religion after being in it for 20 years. We were also having some marital problems, he had contacted his brother for advice.

His brother instead of giving advice goes on bashing me. One of the things that were included in this was about religion and how he just "knew" the way that I was and the way that I thought even though I had never once had a personal or deep conversation with him in the 13 years that I have been with my husband.

He claimed that I was delusional, wearing special underwear, paying 10% that I think Im golden. Bible says to pop out as many children as I can and thats what I am doing, so he says. He claimed I was lazy and never did anything to provide for my children.

My husband and I decided when we had our first child that I would stay home with them. I was definitely immature and didn't realize the capacity for more growth that I could have had for myself and spouse had we waited to have children. But having them, "popping" them out, never occured to me like that. I love children, and it wasn't one after another, though much closer than bil's liking. We have four children.

One thing that bil never cared to learn about me, I was born in to a family of four. When I was ten years old my siblings and myself were taken from our home due to my fathers abuse inflicted on one of us. After moving around through extended family and foster homes, my brothers were adopted out of state. I never got to grow up with my brothers and wanted to raise children and have a family like the one that was taken away from me. It turned out that I did.

Bil's ignorance and self righteousness really bother me. I get that he has a deep hatred for the lds religion and those that are in it. It really hurts more than anything that he has ASSumed so much about me. ASSumed that I came from a TBM family, when I did not. (though I did have a relative killed at Hauns Mill and pioneer heritage, my extended family and parents were not active or practicing lds. Though bil never cared to know any of this either) He ASSumed that I was popping out children because of the doctrine of the church, when I was not. The fault that lies with me is my immaturity that I had in choosing to have my first child so young.

The things that bil said are still fresh and reading others comments on here open those wounds. I just wanted to let it out there that not everyone has multiple children to follow the crowd



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/03/2012 03:14AM by lostbagle.

I think everyone has a problem here because the LDS church teaches to marry and have children right away--a black and white situation that is not one size fits all. It's not meant to be personal, as each situation is different. Your bil definitely meant it personally however. I have quite the opposite problem, we have two children and decided that was enough. I've been told I'm going to hell by church members because I interfered with God's plan for me by preventing pregnancy permanently. To me, that was the best choice I ever made, not because I didn't love or couldn't take care of more children, but because it was a choice I alone made for myself. No one told me to do it. I did consult with my dh however, and we both agreed. I think this applies in your case as well. It was your choice so you are hurt that others imply it was not. Be very proud that you thought for yourself and decided for yourself--that is all anyone here wants.

I would also tell him that since you and your husband are pulling your own weight as a family, how you choose to do so is not his concern.

Then tell him that since he feels raising four kids is such an easy task, you are quite sure that he'd be willing to babysit your brood for a long weekend while you and DH go away. ;-)

If you stand up for yourself, my guess is that he'll back off.

One of the big problems of Mormonism that people complain about is the judgmental, self-righteous attitude it encourages. Your brother-in-law may not be Mormon, but he still has that attitude. If you get the chance, maybe you should tell him that.
The problem with Mormons saying women are only good for having kids is that it takes away their choice. My mom taught that to my little sisters, and I felt sick when I heard them saying that they want to be a mom when they grow up. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. When I got older, I wanted to be a pilot. I joined the military and could have become a pilot, but now I decided my kids are more important. Making that choice freely on my own is completely different from having it forced on me as my only option, where I would probably have been resentful and felt that I was missing out on life. Since you've made the choice that taking care of your kids is the most important thing for you to be doing, I agree with you! It doesn't mean it's the best for everyone, but it is the best for you and your kids, right now, and that's all that matters.
I think your brother-in-law is being a complete a**, and I hope your husband tells him that.

No. Some think they are there to be constructive and make things... like nativity scenes out of tampons (true story).


Ron

but it doesn't mean you did it for those reasons. I actually wanted that life. I could only handle 2--twins. I tried for more. I lucked out and didn't have more. I raised them by myself from age 10 on--so it was good I didn't have more.

Your BIL is taking out his anger at the LDS church on you. Do you have to communicate with him? I'd stay as far away from him as I can.

I think a lot of Mormon women think they are meant for only popping out babies. It is sad whenever you see the potential of half of the members of a group being lost. Don't get me wrong, motherhood and child raising are important, but it has been proven time and again that women don't have to give up their roles in society to do so.

It is a common thought. I was still pretty new to the Mormon seen and didn't know that much about it, but that thought was there about the babies. I remember meeting a Mormon mom who was done at two. I remember that surprising me, as if she was breaking a major Mormon rule. I didn't ask her about it with her religion, it just surprised me - you really get to pick? You don't see a lot of career moms, just SAHMs who get married young and fast you and put two and two together. Catholics get the same type of thought process. My own family, the "good Mormons" had lots of kids.

And Mormons can come across as "golden," better than you. Obviously your brother-in-law didn't take the time to really know you and kept preconceived notions alive and well and allowed his disdain of Mormonism affect his ability to see you as a descent, good person. I'm sorry about that. That's not cool and it's not fair.

When my marriage hit the skids, it was my lack of Mormonism that got me the same treatment. If it makes you feel any better, it happens both ways.

I chose to stay home with mine as well and I'm not Mormon and didn't have those pressures. Most people I know have a SAHM. I don't know about all of their religiousities. It's not an odd thing and shouldn't be looked down upon. I also wanted a couple more children, but our marriage issues didn't allow that to happen. I had thoughts of three or four. After divorce, two is plenty.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think as you're going through marriage bumps, shite talking the other spouse to that degree is not the best idea. It's one thing to bitch and talk, people always need a shoulder and an ear, but there should be a huge element of helping repair what's broken and support of repair of the relationship, especially with little people in the picture. It's not easy being a single mom.

Best wishes for your family. So sorry about this hurtful situation.

When you read the old talks (and even the current ones), it's pretty clear that women are supposed to be having children. It's their role according to Mormon Doctrine.

As you start your recovery process, you'll see that there are lots of things that open bad wounds.

We have posters here who either chose not to have children, or couldn't have children and got no end of grief from other Mormons. And they had the "words of the prophets" shoved in their faces.

So, you'll have your wounds, and they'll have theirs.

Keep reading and posting though. These things are not about YOU, they are about what Mormonism did to US.