Today I am staying home from church. It about killed me to see my sweet wife holding her pain in as she got ready to go by herself. I'm half tempted to go meet her for Sunday School, as we are assigned to teach together... Maybe I will? It just hurts so bad to make her so sad!

She's known I have had many concerns with church, and is at the point where she can hold it together pretty well if we discuss our feelings on it. This morning, I told her all about how I believe the church manipulates its members and prospective converts, and how the whole thing is a massive system for group deception. She says she sees where I am coming from, but that her experiences have been different. I have to respect that. I don't know her experiences, only mine. It's just killing me to hurt my little family.

Any thoughts or encouragement are welcome. Especially positive ones.

Hey, Me too. It is definitely kind of weird. I wish my wife and I could talk more openly about our differences in belief, but whenever our conversations head in that direction she feels like I am just trying to attack her beliefs. I've been very active in the church my whole life, but I have learned a lot of new information about it in the past two months which has lead to resignation of my temple recommend and a request to be released from my calling as secretary in the stake young men's presidency.

I'm just hoping that time will heal my broken relationship with my wife, and that she will be able to eventually understand the issues that TBMs are so blind to, for her and my daughters sake.

Does it make you want to go with her, even knowing it's not true? I miss the time we spent teasing each other irreverently in sacrament meeting! The thought of her having to teach all by herself is painful, too. It just HURTS, man! But, I know I'm right. Or, at least, no one has been able to produce any evidence I'm wrong... I can only guess living a lie will have worse consequences...

I really wish I could be there to support her. However, with all of the friendships we have made over the past 5 years in the ward and the positions and status that I have gained in climbing the mormon ladder, I think that the statement that I am making by not attending will help others in the ward to take a closer look at what they truly believe.

I also think it is important that my wife know how sincere I am in the decision I have made.

I have been trying to redouble my efforts on the home front and show her how much I do love her, but it has been tough, especially since I haven't received much love in return. It seems like her love for me has been mostly based upon my faith in the church.

Ouch, man... Sorry to hear it... I think that my wife doesn't just love me for my faith, but losing it has unavoidably altered a big part of our relationship in a hard way.

I can only relate my experience. I have no good answers for you but I feel for you and your family.

My poor husband JOINED the church knowing it was false. He knew given my family and conditioning that I would choose it over him. He couldn't beat it so he joined it. He sat by my side for 15 years until I was over it. He never once bore his testimony or said anything he didn't believe. He was true to himself and very patient.

When I ask him about how he did it he says, "I didn't really care, I just wanted to be with you. And you were worth it." awwwww.... Now how the hell did I deserve that?!

Especially bc the church is not true it is just not worth losing the people you love. I suppose if I had any advice to give it's this: make sure that the church causes more pain to her than you do (inevitably it will). And be patient.

The two of you CAN emerge from this stronger individually and as a couple. It is possible but it's difficult, but hey, that's life.

Good luck!

I hope you go teach with her. You sound like such a kind and loving husband. Let us know what you decide.

I felt the same way - Not gonna go to church anymore. DW didn't react well at all. Made things more stressful. I changed tactics. I told her I will support you (this is after numerous discussions about BOA, BOM historicity issues etc)...told her I will go to church because I love you and the kids and I am NOT going to lose my family over the church. And the deal was (granted not explicitly but I think it could have been; it just worked out this way) If I go to church, I asked that she read Guns, Germs and Steel. This has worked wonders. She came to her own conclusion that BOM can't be what it claims and basically told ME that we aren't going to church anymore. It is a PULL tactic versus PUSH which is what you are aaron85 are doing. My advice is to try pull. It takes more time but I think in the long run it is the best way to go.

Now, there are a million different ways of achieving this: setting up a Give/Get negotiation tactic such as I will continue to go to Church if you read GG&S may not work in your case (although it is worth a try) Either way some variation of it where YOU go to church and she SEES the true light is the best way to attack this issue. Some have suggested leaving books around like GG&S so that she picks it up herself and starts reading may work...my two cents.

Exactly.

Also, for us, the added benefit was that this negotiation strategy changed the culture of our family such that it was actually family-centered rather than church-centered. We took several days off from church each month and I didn't push him bc I knew what he was sacrificing. He also was a strong counter-point for our kids.

When we left it was with all of our kids and very low drama. I wish it was that way for everyone and recognize that in many situations it's very nearly impossible.

If you're assigned to teach together, I don't think it would be bad to go and support her, but then afterward make it clear that you are unable to teach in Church anymore.

The first time I didn't go to Church with my wife, she bawled through sacrament meeting and ran out of Church after the meeting was done. It was just so painful for her. Because of that, I continued going to just sacrament with her for 4-6 months, and now I'm not going at all!

It sounds like you aren't interested in trying a NOM approach (I wasn't either), but allowing some time for adjustment is a good idea IMO. Good luck! Going through that seriously sucks.

So, I did end up going to meet her for Sunday school. This was supposed to be her (our) last day teaching, and I just couldn't stand to have her face it all by herself. I showed up after sacrament and gave her a big squeeze and told her I just needed to show her I loved her. I think I made it clear that I had showed up to support her, and that my church feelings have not changed, but it clearly meant a lot to her. I think it let her know that she was more important than church to me.

Thanks for all the advice, everyone, and especially the encouragement. I think I will try to gradually break the connection. Skip a few, maybe come a time or two, but make sure my feelings are understood.

As a side note, it was very funny that one of the lessons was about not setting our hearts on riches, and the new city creek center came up as a prime example of love of Mammon. Hahaha... I didn't want to spoil the good moment for my wife, though, so I didn't say anything.

You're a good man ... I've skipped for about 3 weeks now and I'm catching hell from DW. Well, it comes and goes I guess. Sometimes it's the end of the world and then sometimes she's ok with it.

It's a tough balancing act many of us are dealing with on this board. You're not alone.

Sad to see how many times this damn "church" ruins people's weekends and interferes in their marriages.

DNA aside, how anyone can still take Mormonism seriously after seeing the $5 billion mall monstrosity is beyond me.

Is having been single until age 27, then being a single mom some 11 years later--your wives are pitied if they show up alone, looked down, treated like less than--even as people are telling them how sorry they are for them.

"Single women" especially are not treated well. I applaud any of you who go to support your wife. Just make sure she knows WHY you are going. Even if you just go to SM with her (where it the most noticeable)--but if you go home, fix dinner . . . Believe me, you can't beat fixing dinner for your wife on a Sunday after she has been at church for 3 hours.

Yup, I would go with her, but make it absolutely clear to her that you are there to support her.

My hubby is a Catholic. (boy did my TBM mum have a go at that, another story) We agreed when we married that I would go for Easter and Christmas. Twice a year. Our son is now an altar server.

(that is a long story in itself - he actually loves being right in the centre of the ritual of Mass, but having been brought up with a patchwork of religious beliefs in the family, and an atheist Mum, he is not actually a "believer". At the moment his beliefs are evolving, but he has gone from natural-born atheist to belief in some sort of zen-buddhist-jedi belief that owes more to Star Wars than anything else. Catholic school had little effect on his beliefs other than give him something to compare other creeds with)

My husband is in the military and is now posted overseas for 6+ months. So I attend Catholic mass with my son when he is rostered on as an alter server. He won't attend if he is not rostered on (about once every 3 weeks). When Dad is home, they go each week - Sunday is Mum's sacred sleep-in day.

So this atheist probably attends Mass more frequently than many believers right now. I make no secret of my beliefs, and I think that when the thrill of participating in the ritual wears thin balanced against the requirement to believe nonsense, my son will appreciate my giving him room to make his own mind up. He already doubts most of the creed, he just needs to shake off the attraction of the ritual.

So, I would be firm in stating your beliefs, but support your wife. Discuss with her what she needs for support - it may be she wants you there for SM. Ask her why - if it is to silence the tongues of busybodies or for appearances, then having to explicate these reasons may get her thinking about why such superficial factors are an issue.

But support her - if she thinks about why she needs your support against a judgemental institution, and it becomes a "you" (two) against the institution, then you are making ground.

Why don't you break with the Mormon Church by making your family number one?

You now realize that they put themselves above your wife and children, took their money and their time. Do not make your hatred of them number one.

Change the paradigm. Go with your wife to church as her companion so that everyone can see that she has a husband who loves her. More importantly, every time she looks at you there on the pew, little hearts will come out of her head because she knows the only reason you are there is your love for her.

THERE IS NOTHING STRONGER THAN THIS KIND OF LOVE.

It is irresistible. You don't have to go every week unless you really catch fire with this idea. You could go every other week and on your weeks off, plan a picnic or a trip to the beach, or some other fun family outing that begins the minute church ends.
And tell your wife it is compensation for your irreverence (or something else fun).

You respect her belief even if you don't respect the belief--get me? This is what happens next-- the ward sisters pity her and tell her that maybe she'll get assigned to a worthy man in the hereafter. She will be highly offended by this implication and will defend you. She will say you are as worthy or more worthy than their husbands, that you are a wonderful husband and father. They will be catty. She will be furious and slowly, over time, she will get sick of the judging. She will say, "You don't know him, how DARE you judge him." Finally, when she is reminded that you will not be able to bless/baptize/be a Scout Leader/see your child married, she will say "This is bullsh*t."

You will have opened her eyes by being completely anti-Mormon, a selfless family-first kind of husband.

You are so lucky to have a little family you love-- DON"T LET THE MORMONS HAVE THEM. Care more about the wife you love than those pretend-friends in the pews.

Best

Anagrammy

I just finished listening to John Dehlin's podcast with Jacque on Mormonstories.org from Feb. of 2010, and after reading the past few posts from Anagrammy, spanner, and others I can definitely see things in a more empathetic light. I hope that my wife's and my communication can improve, and I look forward to going to a family counselor next week to help us both sort things out.

SM will no doubt be tough to attend, but I plan on doing so. Best of luck to you almostThere! I hope we can rise above all this with stronger families and better lives because of it all.

I also attend SM with my wife. And that's where I draw the line. As much as I don't like her and our daughter staying there alone, I just can't stand the other two (more) pointless, boring, self-depreciating meetings. I haven't attended those at all so far this year, and I've been making it a point to let my wife know that I attend what I do solely because I love her. There's not a damn thing I want or need from such a freakish mind control organization.

Like I've observed from others here, I hate the cult, but I love my wife and I won't break her like this organization does. So, I would rather take some lumps for the team, slowly let her realize the double standards of Mo-ism for herself, and hopefully regain my otherwise completely rational, thinking-for-self, independent wife.

I took a week off from the board (I'm afraid I'm becoming addicted) and lost track of this thread.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT! I can't tell you how much the positive ideas from this board have helped me already. Thank you.

It gets easier...and then it doesn't enter your mind after awhile....