I was working with a teacher from one of the church schools and he told a story to the students: he was reading a book that had some scandalous content (a vampire story with typically subtextual/sexual vampire-y elements). He was embarrassed to think that someone might come along later, pick up the book, and know that he had that book in his possession, so he tore out the offensive parts. The students were confused: "Why would someone care or judge you for the things that you were reading?" "What kind of friend would do that?"

The teacher was somewhat flummoxed at the outpouring of disdain his story was getting and tried to explain how it related to censorship and book burning. It didn't go so well. Later, he admitted that the book in question had been read in his mission, and that even though he liked the book, he was very concerned about how someone might judge him based on its content.

I have thought a lot about this--how much of what we read, watch, listen to, or even write down is dictated by the fear of what someone else (particularly while part of the LDS mindset) might think of us? Most of my journalling efforts have been primarily written in code that only I understand (especially my mission journals). I would have hated to have any of my "faithful" descendants read about the things I thought, struggled with, or actually did, and I credit this to my previously-unthought-of Mormon Paranoia.

Anyone else have a similar bout of self-consciousness based on the fear that someone, sometime, would find out about something?

Last September I wrote a self-reflective blog post about where I was at in life, how I felt about it, etc. I talked about how my love for my husband was the only thing I'd ever been 100% sure of. Most of the people that read my blog are Mormon, so I was really self-conscious about the judgments that might be made on me for not having a 100% testimony. I even mentioned it, making their statement for them, and adding that my testimony was a work in progress. (I never made much progress, especially from that point. Within a couple of months, I'd stopped attending faithfully.)

I developed several codes to write in, and my mother promptly broke them each and every time.
She snooped in my room constantly, read my school notebooks, wondered why I wouldn't confide in her, and generally laid in wait for me to sin somehow.
I am still massively paranoid to this day. And not for no reason. She is a pernicious gossip and gets a lot of mileage out of her "wayward" child.

And, I know it was something she picked up at relief society from the other "good mormons", all kinds of ways to snoop and figure out what I was doing "wrong". You kept kids under intense scrutiny back then, they thought that was how you raised up more good mormons.
This very snooping of course lead to other "sins" on my part as I desperately strove to retain my individuality.

My mother IS exactly the same.

I used to write crazy outrageous things in my journal just to see if she was reading it. She fell for it every time. I finally realized I couldn't have a journal as long as I was in the same house with her.

To this day, she would head straight for my room and look for my journal if I left her alone in my house.

I think the church encourages journal writing as a way for parents to spy on their children. They have to spy because mormonism all but kills any hope for an honest relationship between parent and child.

Hi Mom!

Jan 23:
Hi Mom!

Jan 30:
Hi Mom!

Feb 14:
Love ya mom!

Apr 6:
Ya know mom, if you keep reading this I'll never get up the nerve to write down the name of my lover...

My mom read my journal. I had no idea until she became HATEFUL to me because I wrote in it while angry at her.

She still doesn't think she did anything wrong! That's the craziest part!

My mom did the same thing to my oldest sister and then to me when I came home for Xmas. And I was 18 at the time!

Ah Mormon mothers. They are one of a kind aren't they. To bad they got so brainwashed.

If he worked for CES, he likely had reason to be paranoid. Those dudes will judge you night and day, and condemn you quickly. It seems to be a sport for them. You can lose your job over trivialities.

Well, in the OP it mentioned that the students were astonished that he felt that way--so it definitely wasn't CES. :)

I remember the very clear impression that I was writing in my journals for some yet unborn descendent. So of course I wrote drivel. When I started writing my journals for myself...it became a wonderful therapeutic tool. Eventually, I threw away all the junk I was writing for others and started using the process to explore my own thoughts and ideas. Now when I look back on what i have written, I realize just how much it helped me clarify my own thought process. I really do appreciate the documentation of my own journey.

The crap I wrote on my mission...was just that....crap. OH...and the idea that someone would violate my privacy and read what I have written without my permission. NO WAY.

not "uplifting" and they ended up being therapeutic for ME--not for anyone else. I think though they might be quite eye-opening for my dear TBM daughter if she ever reads them. I was probably too honest--but it was a place to vent.

I don't get the blogging and facebook stuff. You guys don't know me--and so I can say what I want. I don't see how you can be 100% honest with a blog or a facebook page. For me, FB seems to be the perpetual Christmas bragfest letter.

I'm almost brutally honest in my daily life--and after leaving mormonism, I've had many of my neighbors come to me to complain about their husbands and about the lds church--bishop's wife, R.S. presidents, etc.

We were always told that other people were watching us to see if we would uphold church standards. (Of course, no one outside the church gives a crap about that.) But when you live your life thinking everyone is watching, you're afraid to do, say, or write anything that might reveal the real you underneath the mask of conformity.

What this does is create a culture that values surface appearances and encourages you to hide your feelings (especially bad feelings, which come from the devil). Pretty much everyone I know in the church thinks that they are the exception in having personal problems, doubts, and struggles, while everyone else is busy living the perfect, spirit-filled life.

It's one hell of an effective way to keep people doing what you want and preventing them from asking too many questions.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2012 11:46AM by runtu.

Well, if you think about it, Mormons are taught all their lives that everyone is looking up to them and they are supposed to set an example. They are asked questions like "How would you feel if someone saw you drinking coffee and didn't join the church because of your bad example?" You are made to feel that you are not only responsible for your own salvation, but the salvation of everyone watching you. Because if you are bad, people will think badly of Mormonism. They don't realize that their emphasis on shallow judgments and avoiding the appearance of evil, makes them look worse than most of the sins they are trying so hard to avoid.

Funny story though. My daughter wanted to read the Twilight series but at the time, I thought it was a bit to "mature" for her. Since I'm an editor, I just bought her her own set of books and went through and whited out or cut out anything that was too much information for her. The book still read quite well, I must say, but I'd cut out the stuff that wasn't age appropriate. I figured she'd read the full books when she was older. I wasn't trying to censor so much as parent. Anyway, since Bishop Jackwagon's daughter is the same age as my daughter, she found out my daughter was reading edited versions of Twilight. Soon after, Bishop Jackwagon became the bishop in our ward and one of the first things he did was to make arrangements for ALL the parents of 12-19 year olds to have a special Sunday School. If you had a calling at the time, he had you find a substitute. This was an IMPORTANT meeting. So we all went and he hammered on us about dressing appropriately, not working on Sunday, not listening to rock music, setting a good example for our teens etc. One of the things he talked about was how awful the Twilight books were and many bad messages they contained. Then he caught my eye and he said "Even edited versions of these books are bad to read." I just smirked, remembering that when I was at BYU, they showed R-rated movies in the on-campus theater, that were properly edited with the bad scenes removed and the curse words bleeped out. I'm sure church leaders knew this was going on and didn't stop it - how DARE Bishop Jackwagon correct the leadership of the church, I thought sarcastically. Later the first minion saw me reading Twilight - several months later - and asked what I thought about what Bishop Jackwagon said and I replied "I thought what he said was stupid so I ignored him." This was before the bishop and I had our falling out but I recognized stupid when I heard it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2012 11:46AM by CA girl.

...apparently forgetting that their deity, which they believe will judge them, supposedly knows everything they're doing anyway.

Is it that they don't really believe God and his note-taking angels are watching 24/7? Or is it that Elohim isn't right there throwing a judgmental hissy fit?

we know that open communication is a necessary part of wholesome relationships. Mormonism only lets you express your 'testimony', nothing else gets recognition.

the Mormon thing is to 'live the gospel', and to know that it's your 'entire life' (gag).

Church classes about 'Family relations' are a joke; like most of the other things about the mormon religion, they give the appearance of addressing issues, but that doesn't happen.

Hm. With the journal thing. My dad did this once to my oldest sister, and it made her cry knowing that her deepest secrets were revealed to her father and she felt she could not trust him. Oh but my mother scrutinized him for this. He never did it again. Since then, my family has been very successful of each others privacy.

Yesterday my dad was going shopping and I said "Do you want me to make a list?" So after all the vegetables and whatnot I put "Bottle of Jack" and in smaller letters next to it, "Haha, made you do a double take!" He ripped that part of the paper off and threw it in the trash. I said "Dad, it's not like people are going to be looking at your list. It was a joke." He said "You never know who you'll see." Good grief. Yeah, like people are going to be looking over your shoulder or inspecting your shopping list... Jeez!

I think that one takes home the prize for Mormon paranoia!

It gets so intense on the preaching about being "perfect" that the phrase "our thoughts will condem us" becomes part of the culture of shame. How the hell can someones thoughts be a sin?

I remember being a TBM and spending countless hours trying to figure out if I was thinking something wrong or just nervous about just about, almost, maybe, sort of, kinda thought something wrong. Did I think it all the way? Or did I stop in time to make it not quite a sin? Maybe I should repent of it anyway?.......

crazymaking church is creating mental illness in the members.

i hide my wine when my mom visits and i'm 32!