I am 23, a woman, and very confused about my sexuality. Growing up I was always interested in boys, though I can see now some instances where I probably had a "crush" on girls as well but I didn't recognize it as that. I definitely enjoyed my sexual encounters, relationships, etc., with men before I was ever with a woman, and thought I was in love with some men, though I sometimes had sexual troubles (pain during sex--which never happens with women, even if it's rough; feeling disconnected, etc. And I NEVER liked to do anything with the more "male" parts of the anatomy--hated it.) About a year and a half ago I had my first encounter with a woman, and have since dated and slept with exclusively women. I can still think a guy's hot and have a short-lived attraction, but I have no desire left for men in a fantasizing/sexual way, and I cannot emotionally connect with them on the same level. I have tried to have sex with men since then and it freaked me out and I had to stop because it suddenly disgusted me on some level. I can flirt with a guy, but I never have any real desire to date him, have sex with him, etc.

I understand that sexuality is a spectrum and not just black and white, but what's confusing to me is the change. Does this mean my orientation has changed, or could change again? Can it really go from exclusively men to exclusively women? How can I have had feelings for men and suddenly have none? People have said I could be bisexual, but I really don't have feelings for both at this point in time. Like I said, I can appreciate an attractive man, and the fantasy of a beautiful wedding and children with a man that my conservative, some-LDS family would approve of, is enticing, but it seems sort of foreign or "off" to me. Any thoughts?

and to get it topped so that others will respond.

My "ex" is gay. I can't really speak with authority. I do believe that there are many who have this type of evolvement of their sexuality--and my ex had no problem having sex with me (and he will tell you so), but he needed a man and I needed a straight man--but he had a connection to me. He said and says he could never have sex with another female. He has ALWAYS identified as gays, but having read this board long enough, I know that isn't always the case.

From what you've posted, I'd say you are gay. As my lesbian cousin told me (and she was married to a man at one time)--there shouldn't be labels. It should just be who you are attracted to--on every level, sexual, physical, mental, emotional, psychological. It NEEDS to be the whole bag.

For me--being able to see my ex marry in a beautiful wedding to the man of his dreams would be a dream come true for me.

It sounds to me like you know exactly where you are at.

Other people might be confused about what label to tag you with, but that's their problem.

You can call yourself whatever you are comfortable with, including "one rockin' woman."



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2012 12:40PM by lulu.

Or maybe two months ago. And there was a post a couple of weeks or so ago from a guy also trying to figure himself out. I think it's sad that the LDS church and other champions of strict gender roles (and equally narrow life paths) make it so hard for people like these posters -- even after they've ditched the church. The stuff sticks in the brain.

Human sexuality is all over the place, which means there should be room for anything that doesn't harm innocent people. So you're sort of bi-ish/lesbian-ish. There are millions just like you. And there are millions more who could match up quite well with wherever you are at the moment on the sexuality grid.

Sex is not like picking a train at the central station and needing to stay on it wherever it goes, for the rest of your life. It more like catching a taxi. Or walking. It's ultimately about being attracted to individuals (wow, I really like *her*, or *him*), not boxing yourself into a neat little category. Just go with it. Find happiness, not a label.

It sounds like you have an aesthetic attraction to guys. There are so many ways to define your sexuality, and I completely understand the desire to have something to call yourself. Growing up, I always thought I was a lesbian because I thought female bodies looked nicer than male bodies (girls were pretty and not too hairy and had nice soft curves, whereas guys were big hairy ogres!), but as I grew older, I discovered that my attraction to women was only aesthetic, I didn't *actually* want to sleep with them, I never even really had fantasies about it. But men! Yeah, definitely sexually attracted to them.

I have several friends in the LGBT community, and a lot of them aren't completely gay, a lot of them have a "fluid" sexuality, meaning that who they're attracted to changes--sometimes they likes girls, sometimes boys, sometimes both. It's nothing to be concerned about.

The disgust of male anatomy paired with the inability to form a connection is a bit strange, since you say you once were attracted to men. There's always a chance that you've supressed memories of sexual abuse from a male in your youth, or maybe some other bad memories involving a man. I think you should get counselling not just for that possibility, but also to help yourself get comfortable with your emerging sexuality.

I definitely thought that was a possibility too, but I'm not *afraid* of men at all, though I did have very painful sex that may have made me shy away from it, but I never had that problem with women, even when they were less gentle with me than men, and I've certainly never had a problem with dildos! Also, even when I was VERY attracted to men romantically and sexually, I only liked having things done to me--I never enjoyed looking at or touching "down there" as I always just thought it was weird. It was an obligation to please my partner. I never wanted to do it.

And when I say I can't form a connection--I guess I worded that wrong; I CAN, it's just not as natural/comfortable as it would be with a woman.

I would not worry that your secuality change during a time that sexuality changes.

I wouldn't worry to much about labeling your sexuality for now. There may be reasons down the road that will be important to you. It is important for me to label myself as a gay man for political reasons and because I want to go where I can meet other gay men.

If you sexuality changes again, you have two basic choices, enjoy the ride or worry over something you have no control over.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2012 01:34PM by MJ.

This may come off as a tad controversial and I don't mean to spark a debate. I'm just stating an opinion based on years of observation and close personal interactions with both hetero and the LBGTQ community.

I see less true bisexuality with men. It seems like, with men, you're either gay or you're straight and there's not a lot of middle ground. True bi males are sort of like unicorns. Mostly, the bi males I know eventually just sort of slid all the way over to the gayish side of the Kinsey scale.

I've known a lot of women who flipped back and forth. I myself have found my own orientation sliding closer toward the center of the Kinsey scale as I've gotten older.

So my opinion is that some of us are who we are and we're pretty much locked down, in terms of sexual orientation, but that might just be a function of having found a lifetime partner. I'd say it's true for more of us than not that our sexuality is fluid over our lifetimes and doesn't ever have to be all of one thing or nothing.

Like the others here, I wouldn't worry as much about the label as much as I'd just focus on building friendships and finding the healthiest relationships.

A lot of staight guys have fantasies about two woment "doing it". There are not as many women having the same fantasy about guys.

So, it is easier for a bisexual woman to be openly bisexual. For men, it is often eaiser to go with just the single sex.

I don't agree that girl-on-girl fantasies make it easier for women to be bisexual. The fact that lesbianism, or female bisexuality, has been turned into a male fantasy is evidence, in my opinion, of the patriarchal biases that exist in porn and culture in general. The idea that a woman's sexual orientation is just a 'fantasy' for men could be more confusing than helpful. And who says women aren't having fantasies about men 'doing it'?

Thus the rules are more relaxed in this regards because men, the ones that make the rules, want their fantasies fulfilled. Yes, it is evidence of a "patriarchal biases that exist in porn and culture in general" And that is why you often see two women together in porn made for straight men.

BTW, this concept was taught to me by a pack of lesbians that objected to my talking a lot like you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/17/2012 09:50PM by MJ.

The younger of my sisters was homosexual. She figgured this out while in high school,,in the 50's. She realized that there was no attraction to boys her age,,never was all through college. She lived a good and enjoyable life and never looked at herself as different. She is now retired in a small town in Oregon. We still talk often. Choose your own path and don't answer to anybody. Lead on!!