My son is turning 8 next week. Fortunately, no one is expecting him to get baptized, so that's good. However, he emphatically wants a "family party", which is sad because we have entirely cut out some of their cousins in the past few years (not because of the innocent little sweeties, but because I can't keep subjecting myself to my brothers' cruelties.) and now my kids have no cousins on my family side. Which means they have no cousins.

I've explained why this is so to my boys and they understand that those cousins won't be coming (ever), but my son wants to have both my parents and my youngest sister and brother to come for his birthday party.

Not to recap an unpleasant story unnecesarily, but last October my parents kicked out my 20 year old sister for no reason. She was depressed and questioning her testimony, and to my parents that is unforgivable. So My husband and I took her in without asking for anything in return. We were generous with both our possessions and our unconditional love, and she repaid us by stabbing us in the back. She bad-mouthed us to one of my evil-spirited brothers who called CPS to have us investigated as unfit parents. The charges were dismissed as simply vindictive, but it all sent me into a horrible bout of anxiety and depression, and put a kink in our adoption process for our third child.

Now, my little sis became sick over what happened; she never intended or expected it to happen. And while I am not angry at her, my husband and both feel utterly betrayed.

But my youngest son has no idea of what his beloved aunt did and I can't break his heart telling him at this point.

How can we invite her back into our home? This will be the first time I will have seen my father since the "fit hit the shan" and that will be anxiety-causing enough, but should I just invite my sis and hope that I don't have to talk to her too much? Can I pull off being friendly without being her friend?

My husband doesn't want to have anything to do with any of my family, but is supportive of however much I choose to to involve them. He will be civil no matter what I choose, which means I have to make an impossible decision by myself.

Okay....I would do this. I would invite nasty sis and keep my eye on her at all times. Why would I invite her? Simple....it is because your son wants her there. When you can't keep an eye on her your husband will. If this is not possible, then don't invite her. What she said is horrible and for this one time and one time only I would allow her in your home. Not anymore. She can not be trusted. Don't let her ruin your home.

Get your son involved with many outside friends and soon he will realize that cousins they may not be, but they are just as special. Hopefully you can be friends with the parents too.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/01/2012 11:22PM by honestone.

My opinion,

Don't invite your sister and tell your son his aunt can't make it and leave it at that. You could let your sister know that for now after what she did you are not able to allow her in your home for now if you feel the need.

If you want to repair the relationship with your sister fine, but it seems like this event is the wrong time and place for it. It's one thing to be forgiving and try to repair a relationship gradually, it's another thing to be stupid and let someone who serious threatened your family back in the house long before she has shown evidence of developing the maturity to not do anything like it again.

This is how I have dealt with this... My family is toxic, destructive and entirely untrustworthy. Therefore, bc I know this, I have a duty to protect my kids from them.

I have not given the kids lots of details bc they are too young, but I have told them that the family is not healthy and that we need to give unhealthy people large amounts of space. I have told them that when people, including our families violate our trust and are mean, it is important to protect ourselves from them.

I found myself in the difficult place of trying to teach them healthy boundaries while using the kids as an excuse to allow the family access to me, thus not holding my own boundary. It was completely untenable.

Your son is young and easily distractable if you fill the party with lots of other fun friends. And, hey, we don't always get what we want, do we? Taking care of your emotional needs is the best way of ensuring his needs are met.

Bottom line: if a sister had blown my chances for adoption and involved CPS possibly losing my kids, there is no way in hell I would let her near me or my kids. Regardless of how sorry or naive. This was a serious breach.

It depends on what you decide about your sister; would she betray you again? If it was out of character for her to badmouth you, if she really feels bad about it and will be careful not to let anything like that happen again, maybe you can get over it and trust her around your kids and actually be friends with her again. If not, and if it's still a problem, you'll have to give some kind of explanation to your son. Don't try to fake it, tell him the truth, as gently as possible - "auntie said some things to uncle and he called the police and made a lot of trouble, and we don't want to have to worry about something like that happening again, even though auntie didn't mean for it to happen." You know your sister, so you have to make the judgement call on that one.
And you might want to talk to your parents before the party, to make sure it's actually going to be an enjoyable event for your son. I'm sure he doesn't want to remember his birthday party as a family fight. I would either try to resolve things in advance, or explain to your son that a family party is just not going to work out this year.

Maybe you could have the party at a special venue and make it so fun that he won't care that much. You can just tell him that she can't come and make up a reason

by the time he's done with Chucky Cheese, he won't care who was there and who wasn't.

And even if you do invite the trouble makers, they problably won't make trouble in a public place.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/01/2012 10:31PM by lulu.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is my recap of your predicament:
* Rosemary & family are no longer Mo, earning disapproval of family-at-large

* Rosemary & family do little sis a good turn, situation goes horribly wrong due to little sis' indiscretion and other unwelcome family-at-large interventions

* Rosemary & DH say "no more family-at-large b.s. ever"

* Son of Rosemary wants family-at-large present at birthday party

* Rosemary & DH say "ohellno"

Is this correct so far?

If I were you I would be creatively thinking up alternatives to suggest to Son of Rosemary that do include people he likes but do not include godzilla relatives from hell. You can remove them from the mix by saying that their presence at that time is simply not possible and leave it at that. It almost sounds like Son of Rosemary is trying to pull a mend-the-fences fast one on you. But you are the grown-up and son is eight - if you give him drama to act on he will do so. If you don't give him any drama to work with you will have a more stress-free time. Plan a nice party for him and he will remember the nice party, not the fact that the godzilla relatives from hell weren't there.

I think if sis apologized and fully understands the gravity of what she did, I'd be inclined to give her another chance. It sounds to me that she's trying to make the situation work as best she can with all her family members. She molded her behavior (by badmouthing you) to gain your brother's approval. Now she understands that doing that carries serious consequences. If you continue to provide a model for her of good, decent, kind behavior outside of the Mormon paradigm, it will provide an alternative for her should she ever wish to free herself from the church.

But once bitten, twice shy. I'd word it in a manner that carries a covert warning -- "DS would really love it if you could join us for his eighth birthday party." Let her know in a subtle way that she needs to earn her way back into your good graces.

Another cliche that seems pertinent is "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."

Move. We had the family tumoilients move to a far away state and now we can be friendly from afar. Sadly it is so pleasant now without them here.
If you can't move, you need to figure out a way to eliminate future awkward moments living in close proximity to hurtful family members.
But, if you can trust your little sister from this point on and she didn't realize her indescretion would cause you harm I might see it as a benefit to get her on my side with a brother like that. Maybe I might give her a do over and try to repair the relationship. She probably needs your forgiveness. Doesn't sound like anyone else in your family will accept her.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/01/2012 10:46PM by suckafoo.

At age 20 your 'little sister' is an adult who should have known better.

You can forgive - but there is no way you should ever let her near your family again.
The same goes for other destructive members.

Your child is eight, he does not make the rules.
Tell him only kids his own age can come to the party.

I needed to hear a lot of this. Ridiculous me has been fooled much more than twice by almost all of my immediate family, yet I make myself a sucker again and again.

I think what I'm about to base my decision on is this: my family went into super love-bomb mode the day sis moved in with us. So of course she betrayed us to them. It was designed that way. Also, she moved back in with my parents in December. Everyone talked her into taking missionary discussions (why? She was raised with that shiz!) and she is basically back in the family/cult thrall.

Talked to my husband--heaven bless him, he was afraid to say to me what you guys have--and we decided that until she grows up enough to think for herself, we cannot begin to trust her. We'll go to the beach for son's birthday. (But he really does just miss his aunt. He's not pulling anything. He's an incredibly sensitive kid.)

Incidentally, we ARE moving! Out of town. Escrow closes before the end of the month and we are relieved and happy about where we are going.