is Scarier than poo

Raised nonmo my father instilled in me the dual message of - Your Smart!... but you need a man to lead you.

My most productive and happiest times of my life was however when I had no man in my life. I got quite good at making my own descisions.

Then illiness struck me in my early 50's. Debillitating to the point of SSD and gradually unable to even write. I moved in with my adult daughter. After about 3 years she decided, because she worked full time, that I should live with my disabled son, who was home full time. I agreed. They moved me from CA to WA.

I had pretty much given up my "power"... well no choice as I had none.

My only son made some poor descisions about my treatment which I tried to argue about. He is my only son. I bowed to him completely. I felt it was the only way, I could not even manage my money :O

My son found me unconscious and I spent 5 days in Hospital. I came out magically on the mend mentally and physically. go figure. My recovery continues

As soon as I could I went back to the church. I wanted to lean on the Bishop to make descisions for me. I still felt unable to do that again.

Well that fell thru like a rock thru tissue paper. I knew the first time I met him.... well gradually I continued to get better. I grew strength in mind and body.. still am

I am going to do something today that I have not done in 10years.

With no advice or input, except this board, I am going to make a stock purchase today. I checked with Scottrade last night and got my account number. I can deposit the cash this morning and trade immediately. Of course I researched it.

I do not have much money. Low income on Food Stamps. I do however have about $300.00 that is available. I am allowed to have a modicum of savings even on Food Stamps. SSD doesn't care at all.

I have a credit card with enough room on it to cover an emergency

I find it exciting and.... totally mine. My idea. I need to step out again in making these descisions. I could lose the money and in the grand scheme it don't mean crap.

Thxs as I have no one else to share this with. Not my son or daughter, they are too use to running my life for me.

I think I have thought it out. It is only after 5am here so I will excitedly let the time pass till Scottrade opens.

Thoughts?

Maybe not very relevant to your OP, but as a never-married single woman, I know just what you mean. I've been on my own for a very long time, so making decisions for myself isn't as scary as it once was, but I totally understand what you're experiencing. It's all too easy to give up your power to control your own choices because if someone else takes responsibility, then if things go south, it isn't your fault. When you make your own decisions and things go south, it feeds into that "you're not worthy" brainwashing. Which feels like you take two steps forward and one step backward.

Just last night, I was thinking about my dad. When I was in junior high and I wanted to do something "worldly," like wear shorts and a tank top when it was hot outside (roll eyes), he'd ask me "If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?" Of course, I'd say no, I wouldn't. All through middle school and high school, he'd say that to me. And the lesson took hold, because I began thinking for myself... right out of the church.

By college, I was making my own decisions, for better or for worse and never managed to marry and have children. Decided in my late 20s that I really didn't want to be a wife and mommy and I was doing just fine on my own. But now I'll talk to my dad and I get this undercurrent of disappointment from him because I didn't follow the beaten path and do what everyone else did and get married and have babies. I'm the family freak because I didn't follow everyone else off the cliff. Anything not awesomely positive that happens to either my sister or I is because we either didn't stay in the church or she didn't raise her kids in the church. Nonsense. We made decisions for ourselves about what our spiritual lives would look like.

I'd like to call my dad up and ask him, "So which is it, because I'm confused now. First, you taught me to think for myself and not to conform to what everyone else was doing. Now you're disappointed in me because I didn't do what everyone else was doing. Think for myself or conform? Wanna decide?"

So I suppose my point is: any decision you make for yourself is what's best for you. Other people like to project their sh!t on to you, so not everyone will approve of or like your decisions. People will try to talk you out of what's best for you because they have some vested interest -- there is some benefit -- to them getting you to do what they want. And when you stand fast and hold to your own decision and refuse to cave in, sometimes people get mad at you, but sometimes it turns out they were right and you made a mistake. My advice to you is to learn from whatever mistakes you make. Almost no decision cannot be undone. You can change your mind, and you can have a do-over. There is nothing wrong with saying, "Well, shoot. I made a mistake. Guess I better brainstorm ways to correct it." And a lot of your decisions will work out really well for you and those successes are what you derive your self-esteem and autonomy from.

As for your children, I can only suggest setting boundaries with them. They are used to running your life for you, as you've said. So you will have to let them know that you aren't always going to be looking to them for what to do. If you can research a stock purchase, you can research just about anything else. You can figure out for yourself what's best for you without them, without your bishop, without anyone. And they may not like your decisions always. That's okay. You can still all love each other and be happy spending time together, only it will be better when there isn't a weird power disparity and all parties bring their own confidence and self-esteem to the party. More respect goes all the way around.

Hope there's something in this post you find helpful.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/22/2012 08:38AM by dogzilla.

Thank you so very much... you nailed it

gawds I feel good

I agree with your thinking. It is my choice and if I decide to cash out I can do it in a matter of hours. Owning my own mistakes without blaming anyone actually feels great. Live and learn. I think I might be FREE!

still scarey.... but oh the thrill



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/22/2012 08:43AM by mindlight.

I was one of those who wanted to marry just out of high school. Didn't happen. I found a job I loved and loved being independent. I had a very authoritarian father, but he also taught his daughters to be free thinkers (and then wondered why they were at times).

Then I got married. I caved immediately. I was just reading the ironing thread--and I even got up early to fix my husband breakfast and iron his clothes--and he didn't even have to roll out of bed until I was in my carpool headed to work an hour away. I did this for about 6 weeks. One morning, I noticed something on his shirt and wondered what he had gotten on it. That evening, he called me out on it. I walked out and have NEVER ironed ANYTHING for him since. We live together part of the time again--but he left me at 11 years.

It was difficult the years after he left as I had 2 kids to raise and the finances went downhill quickly as he gave me a whole $200 a month. I picked up the pieces through a lot of effort and raised my kids.

Finances have been difficult for a long time--and I have a long-time boyfriend now--but I will NEVER remarry again and I will NEVER allow a man to tell me how I can spend my money. EVER. I'm going through an issue right now as I 'totaled' my 2-1/2 year old car and I have made my own decisions on how I'm going to handle this and my boyfriend doesn't like it one bit. Tough sh*t.

I do MUCH better on my own. Mormonism I believe taught me that men were smarter and stronger. Not so. Now my dad--yes--he was the strongest person I've ever met. I haven't met many like him in my life.

CL2: I actually dumped a guy over a broken refrigerator. LOL.

My fridge died, as they tend to do when they get old. I measured my space and started shopping. The exBF kept pushing me toward Craigslist. I looked at the two refrigerators that were listed on Craigslist in my area and both were way too large to fit the space -- there's a recessed spot in my wall where the fridge goes, so I'm limited in size. I wasn't enamored of the idea anyway, because I would have no way of knowing how old a Craigslist fridge would be, nor what was done to/with it while with the previous owners. For all I know, some Bubba kept his fishing bait in there! And I could go through all the hassle of picking it up, getting someone to help me install it, and then two weeks later, it could crap out and I'd be starting all over again. No, I thought it a much better idea to buy a brand new one. That way, the store would deliver and install, I'd have some warranty for a short time, and a brand-new fridge should last 15-ish years, so I wouldn't have to worry about it crapping out again any time soon.

He was furious with me that I refused to take his recommendation of buying some sketchy unknown-history fridge off Craigslist. He didn't live with me, he wasn't contributing to the cost, he wasn't being asked to install it, or even have anything whatsoever to do with it. My decision bore no effect on his life whatsoever. Yet, he seemed to feel he had some sort of vested interest in how I solved my broken refrigerator problem. He was so furious that he refused to speak to me for about a week. Yes. I got the Silent Treatment™ because I didn't want to buy a used fridge for a house the guy didn't even live in or have any responsibility for. He was just butthurt because I wouldn't do what HE wanted me to do. He didn't even care what was in my best interests.

So when he finally called me after a week to see if I was worthy of being spoken to, I cut him loose. I'd realized how much happier I'd been and how much freer I felt because he wasn't around all the time, so it occurred to me that he was more of a burden in my life than a benefit. Buh-bye, Controlling Guy!

I kind of chuckle and smile every time I open the fridge door.

:>D

"worthy of being spoken to!!!"

I love it. Actually, my bf doesn't know what I'm doing. I'm just doing it and not asking for advice because when I first mentioned it, he blew a gasket. So be it . . .

Why do men take it so badly if we ignore their advice?

Actually, I had (whoops--I still have) an older sister who liked giving me advice and ruling me with an iron fist (we no longer speak much because I balked at something she did). My bf asked me what I did when she would give me advice and I said, 'I'd listen and then do what I wanted anyway." He said, 'I've noticed you do that to me.'

My therapist told me to tell him that "if I want advice, I'll ask; otherwise, don't give it."

I'd buy the new refrig, too.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/22/2012 03:06PM by cl2.

We CAN make our own descisions!!!

great stories of empowerment

I'm married but I own stock with my own money. I'm proud of you. If you are scared of the stock market you can buy insured government bonds. Proud of you :)

Ty Jenn..... I use to trade long ago. Went from 1st trade at Ed Jones for $50.00 to...Etrade...then Scottrade.

I am totally not frightened about it.

and I like that I, with no man, learned and read and studied.

I find few woman have stocks on their own. I never liked mutual funds.... but did do very well with drips...JCI made me enough to help my daughter buy her house.

I have also watch the bottom fall out on other stocks and was glad I was diversified.

It has been about 10yrs though, feels so good. I started cashing out when my health failed.

I drove downtown to the broker and gave him a certified check. It just posted 15 mins ago. I bought, yes, Facebook....lol

just 11 shares..... lol what a blast. I feel like I am part of the future again. Good enough for me.

Thank you all

I'm a big fan of index funds, although I do own some stock in Sirius XM satellite radio. Which split on me a couple years ago, so that was cool. I was thinking of buying Facebook while it was still "floundering" or whatever. I don't see FB going down the tubes any time soon; I'm betting you just made a great investment.

@ CL2: Why do men take it so badly when we ignore their bad advice? Probably has something to do with being socialized to be the protectors and providers. If we have no use for them, down to making our own decisions, they feel emasculated or as though they serve no purpose for us. Whaddya need ME for? I have a long laundry list of things I need men for, but none of them involve, sex, honey-do type stuff (fixing things, building things, whatever), or meal-ticket things (working to pay the bills). I need men for things like companionship, support, trust, respect, affection, kissing, massages, friendship, compassion... But not to paint my house or kill cockroaches, or pay the exterminator to do it.