Hypothesis. Those who serve missions who have had depression prior to mission and not necessarily related to the church, stay out longer and endure the miserable experience longer than those who become depressed solely because of the mission and had no prior bouts with depression.


I experienced depression before my mission. It intensified immensely after walking into the MTC and only worsened till I decided I could no longer do it. I developed an eating disorder and received honorable release after serving 1 year.)

A recent poster stated that entering the MTC caused something he had never experienced before, depression and suicidal thoughts. He went home very quickly.


Raptor Jesus has said that he had depression before mission but stayed out (was it for a year?).

Certainly missions exacerbate depression (obviously to the point of wanting to die), and can cause those who have never suffered before to want to die, I just wonder if those of us with pre-mission depressed stay longer because depression was already a part of living.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks for noticing my post. When I can articulate what I think caused my depression, I will try to explain it better.

I had bouts of depression as a teenager, but never treated. It got worse on my mission, but I stayed out the full two years.

It didn't help that my mission pres (sincerely) thought it would help if I could talk to a GA. The piece of shit named Gordon B. Hinkly essectially told me that I should be ashamed of myself and was wasting a lot of people's money and the church's time, and to get off my ass and be a missionary.

This from the guy who lived off the Mormon teat his entire career.

I find Hinkley's response to you rather interesting, though I don't know whether to be surprised or not.
He often told the story of (I can't remember the exact details or wording, but here it is in a nutshell) how when he was on his mission in his first area, Preston Lancashire, he felt very despondent & that he was wasting his time etc, (I suspect he was depressed with the whole thing too), & wrote home to his father telling him how he felt.
His father's reply was go to work or get on with it or words to that effect. And that seemed to "cure" him.

So going by that, should he have had a little more sympathy for missionaries like yourself who were suffering from depression on their missions? Or is it a case of well that's what was expected of him & why should anyone else be any different?

Either way, like you say, what an @#$%&!

Wasn't Hinckley's father's words something like "forget yourself and go to work?" I thought his main message was "loosing yourself in charity."

fossilman Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> It didn't help that my mission pres (sincerely)
> thought it would help if I could talk to a GA. The
> piece of @#$%& named Gordon B. Hinkly essectially
> told me that I should be ashamed of myself and was
> wasting a lot of people's money and the church's
> time, and to get off my ass and be a missionary.

That's what GBH's dad told him when he was on a mission. Worked for him, why didn't it work for you? You could be on the way to prophet if you had taken his advice. :) :(

That was true in my case. I had suffered depression off and on since my teen years, but it got much, much worse on my mission. I think when you're used to depression, you get used to slogging along and that's what I did on the mission. I also did that through a bad marriage. When the time comes to take action, the depression steps in and robs you of your ability to motivate yourself. So, you end up in a holding pattern. That's just a guess.

I think you are right on, Mak. It fits my observations and personal experience.

Was the diet at the MTC following the WoW and high in carbs and low on meat? If one is susceptible to depression this would increase the likelihood. Depression increases sleeplessness and in the first instance can lead dynamically to increasing sleep issues. The errors instrinsic to mormonism including the very concept of a conditional atonement and the WoW increase depression.

In the field, unless fed by members who provide a diet sufficient in protein, the tendency to eat a diet high in rice and pasta and potatoes, increasing depression. And those fed by members are too often treated to rich desserts.

I wonder if GBH merely was moved to a new mission locale and miraculously became less melancholy - really because he became better fed. Having been miraculously cured by his father's timely epistle, he gave the stupid advice he did to the writer earlier in this thread.

I have noticed that the families with the least depression eat the most meat.

It would indeed be considered high carb-low protein.

I wonder if the benefit is connected to families with high meat-protein intake, or would any protein source work (eggs, milk products, tofu products, fish, quinoa)?

geekchick

The amino acids in meat are especially helpful. Soy protein, including tofu, is contra-indicated for males due to the plant estrogen. You remember Steve Young? Their family ate lots of meat.

I had depression as a teenager and it certainly worsened on my mission to the point that I went home after 5 months. I would have come home sooner but it took months to convince them to send me home. I think when exsisting depression lingers people can tolerate it enough to stay but some like myself just get far worse.

I had been dealing with bouts of clinical depression since I was 12. I only sought help about 8 months before I left on my mission. I did have the great luck to seek out a therapist who had nothing to do with TSSC, and I did not tell my bishop about going to therapy.

The therapist strongly advised against the mission. Being an approval junkie, it still surprises me that I went against his advice and went on the mission.

The depression came crashing in once I got over the culture shock and realized that I was working at the whim of a man who had delusions of magical powers. I slogged through the first year and then asked to be sent home. I ended up being transferred to a different mission, which was equally depressing to me. I finally finished the 18 months and came home as a regular mish with an honorable release. What a relief to be home! I got back into therapy, realized I didn't need to turn my life over to posers, and soon walked out of TSSC for good.

Robin,

I respectfully reject your premise entirely. Depression ~sucks giant ones~. Having it pre-mission doesn't make you any more capable of handling a mission and I'd argue that having depression and going on a mission is like being a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/30/2012 12:33PM by beeblequix.

Having it pre-mission and staying longer in misery is not handling it better. My theory was that maybe a person is more willing to live in misery than a person who was not previously depressed. I believe recognizing and then advocating for yourself are by far healthier.

Do we still disagree?

I think being on a mission aggravates any depression or similar things a person has before the mission. I think it's like having a skin condition such as rosacea, that can be managed with proper medicine and proper precautions and then going outside in the sun, eating spicy foods and drinking coffee, then stressing yourself out. All those things take a manageable condition and make it go haywire by putting it under intolerable stresses that could have been avoided.

As a missionary, you are isolated from friends and family, you are put in a high-stress situation, among strangers, where you are constantly under scrutiny from someone. As someone else mentioned, the food is often horrendous because you have very little money. I can't imagine how 19 year old boys don't flat out starve if a 20-something sister like myself, accustom to dieting, didn't have enough food money. We ate a lot of bread and tomato sandwiches or pasta with butter sauce. If we were lucky, we got two food appointments a week. My hair started falling out in chunks. You know those skinny pony tails little babies have? Chunks like that came out every time I showered. I finally gave up, broke mission rules and started writing checks on my home account so I could get some protein. Tell me eating like that doesn't aggravate any problems, health or mental, that you have. Not to mention the fact you are probably living in poverty, in a run down apartment, which is never a happy atmosphere to come home to.

Also, anyone on a mission will tell you that you are living in a heightened emotional state the whole time. It's like someone took your emotions and ran a fingernail file over them. It starts when you get set apart and is only relieved somewhat when you are released. You are in a high emotion climate because everything is based on emotions like guilt or feeling the spirit. I'm not entirely sure why your emotional switch is flipped on a mission but it happens and it doesn't make any condition you are dealing with easier.

However, leaving the church entirely does help. Because your issues aren't being clouded by busywork and bad advice and you finally have the time and clarity to get help for yourself. Hopefully, repairing any extra damage being a member of the church caused.

I didn't suffer from depression prior to my mission (well, I don't think I did), but I definitely began to during the first 3 months out. It got to the point that I would seriously contemplate many nights killing myself with the kitchen knife. Luckily, I didn't have the cajones to do it.

The suicidal tendencies began to go away when I quit trying to be obedient to every damn rule. My depression and suicidal thoughts appeared to stem from being obedient but having nothing to show for it (e.g. no one to teach or baptize...stuff that makes you look like a good missionary). I was driving myself crazy thinking I had nothing to show for my obedience and thought I was "sinning". I could never pin point exactly why I was a "terrible" missionary and just gave up about 3/4 through my mission (yes, I stayed the whole 2 years) and decided to quit being so obedient.

After taking a lax approach to the mission rules, I had a miraculous recovery and never had suicidal thoughts nor depression. The last 6 months of my mission were very memorable and I actually really enjoyed them. The mission rules harbor a situation where if you don't have a storybook ending, then it's your fault and putting that type of blame on one's self can really take a toll on your psyche.

I was like you, Waner. Never had bouts of depression until I started being a missionary. The depression I felt being so far away from my loved ones and friends just overwhelmed me. I felt such hopelessness.

In a desperate attempt to deal with the pain of my loneliness and hopelessness, I tried just shutting myself down and just do the physical motions of the job to get the tracting hours to go on the weekly report. Some people began commenting to me that my countenance had become so joyless and expressionless but I had run out of energy to fake it anymore. I just didn’t care. My prayers were never answered. The mission leaders just constantly condemned me unjustly anytime I ran into them and my family seemed oblivious to my suffering.

I found myself with no hopes, no dreams, no joy, or any real reason for living anymore. "Could I do anything at all to change this hellish existence?” I thought to myself. Was there any way to put an end to it? What could I do? What options are open to me?" A solution slowly began to creep into my mind; a solution that would definitely put an end to this comedy.

For the first time in my life, I started considering suicide as a sweet and practical way for ending this missionary joyless existence. It was such a shock to me that I would even seriously consider such a course of action but I had reached absolute rock bottom and I truly felt that I had nothing to lose.

Here I was, a missionary of the Lord’s supposedly true church, who was supposed to be blessed by the Lord for sacrificing all to serve him, who was promised the blessings of success for following all the ridiculous & uncountable amounts of double-bind rules, who was promised the ministering of angels for support and encouragement.

Here I was, a missionary, planning my own murder as the way to end the pain generated from the drudgery of missionary life and to end the lonely horror of having nowhere to go and escape. I had reached the point of having no tears left to cry, having no one to talk to, and being unable to produce the courage or money or family support to just leave.

Several circumstances presented themselves as the chance to end it all but I never fulfilled them. For example, one day I was riding my bike on a narrow busy road against traffic and I saw a semi-truck approaching. Without any sense of self-preservation, I found myself on a collision course with that truck and I didn’t care. Thoughts of how quick and sweet the end could come kept me there in the lane. Some people slowed down and yelled at me to get out of the way and the horn of the truck was blaring loudly. But I did not care. Sweet relief from the horror of being a missionary was coming fast.

Only when the thoughts of the sadness my girlfriend would feel upon hearing of my death entered my mind did I swerve back to the shoulder and barely in time. What a bizarre feeling it was to not have anything to lose or where even your own life means nothing to you.

After this near-miss, I actually heard a loud snap sound in my brain and I think my brain was saying “...enough of this mission bullshit!”

My fear of man left me that day and this experience gave me a strange sense of empowerment and courage that I never had known before. I never took BS from the mission leadership or anybody again since.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/31/2012 12:17AM by flash.