Pretty scary looking back on this. When I was 19 I chose not to go on a mission. I was drinking and not living the "standards of the church," but that really had nothing to do with me not going. Many of my peers were heavy partiers yet all of a sudden turned 19 and were ready to be good little mormons and go on missions. I did not go on a mission simply because I did not believe in it.

I told my parents, and I told my bishop. I did it sympathetically. I said I could not tell people door to door that I did not know if I believed in myself. Yet I was attacked for this. Not just by my family, but by the church leaders, and people in my community. I believe I was attacked more for being honest and saying I did not believe in it than others who couldn't go because of a "sin" they were working on.

The scariest part to me is how many people told me you did not have to truly believe to go on a mission. You would discover your testimony while you were on your mission. I had to go because it was a commandment from the Lord. So basically I had to go on a mission for a church that I did not know was true, to teach a gospel that I did not agree with for a Lord that I did not know if I believed in. (Is there a "Lord" at all? If there is, is he the mormon one?)

Missionaries imo are a very cultish aspect of the church. So many people are sent out who do not even know anything about what they are doing. I fully believe the missionary program is just as much or more about indoctrinating the missionary as it is converting new members. New members often don't stay members, while someone that has spent 2 years on a mission is likely to be a devout mormon his whole life.

Years ago, Monson gave a talk about missionaries. He said (I'm quoting this from memory), Missionaries serve for a number of reasons: parents, girlfriends, social pressure, whatever. But they stay because they are converted.

Even as a believer I knew that was a load of crap. People stay on their missions because they know the social and family consequences of going home early. In my mission, I would say at least half did not want to be there. But they stuck it out because the costs of bailing were too high.

Yeah that is crap, but there is truth in what he said. At least he admits that many missionaries do not serve because they believe in it.