Traveled hundreds of miles to see my nevermo family and now I am in a mall parking lot crying my eyes out! I really cannot have my heart yanked from my chest anymore. Why do all the nice people finish at the bottom of the dung heap? Family sucks and they are sucking all of my soul/spirit/whatever!!!!!!!! I hate exclamation points. I have some evil-ish people who I share blood with. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Raptor say something nice to your friend! God there has to be one person in this shitty world who can find something nice about me.

And my car was broken into and my super nice photographer's camera and lens were stolen to boot.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/16/2012 06:29PM by tiptoes.

OH, Tiptoes, I am so sorry. That sounds like a horrible experience, with the icing on the cake losing your camera!

You are absolutely one of the nicest people I know, so I have to ask, wth? Why did your NEVERMO family dis you? What is wrong with them?

Plus I'll bet you are hot--here have a virtual Long Island iced tea and a hug.

Anagrammy

Vent baby vent~~I had a friends expensive camera get stolen once...I was more stupid though....Good luck with the family craziness!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/16/2012 06:00PM by bignevermo.

A little thing I learned here: Narcissistic personality disorders with a whole lotta meanness. I am their little play thing, and my sister (another NPO) revels in my suffering! I do not get mean hearted people.

Edit: learned here meaning that I never knew how serious of a disorder as NPD is, until I learned about it here as an entity, not that you guys are NPD.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/16/2012 08:21PM by tiptoes.

My sister is like that too. I swear she stays up at night thinking of things to say or do to hurt my feelings. My whole family is whacko (including me, but at least I do my best not to hurt people) and I've had to estrange myself from the whole bunch. Between that and figuring out that TSCC is a scam, my mental health has never been better.

Do you have friends who could be a substitute family?

Are you alone? Do you have a place to go? Besides with family? Money to go to a hotel?

Oh, no! Cyber hugs for you! All the way from England! :oD

Tiptoes! I'm sorry for the shitty visit and for the camera! Family can be the worst.

Practical question about the camera--would your automobile insurance cover it since it was stolen from your car?

I hope things get better quickly.

Thanks for the cyber hugs! You haven't met truly mean until you meet some my old bitty aunts. I think it hurts worse to see them hug all over your cousin's kids, right after they shun your own kids and shove cards back into their hands. What's really fucked up about the whole thing is that everyone else knows why I am getting this treatment, but NO ONE will fill me in on what I did to offend them.

My husband and kids are with me, so we will probably cut the trip real short and head home. And for reasons I do not understand, I guess the camera might be covered under home owner's even though we are not at home? Makes no sense to me, but loosing the camera pales in comparison to be shunned by almost everyone on both sides of the family.

I had some things stolen out of my car and homeowners covered it.

Sorry about the family crap. I have a sister who shuns and back stabs. She doesn't need a reason. It's who she is. She really heaped on the hurt until i finally wised up and cut all contact.

She's been pissed at me most of my life, and I have no idea why. I can only guess. I think a lot of it boils down to jealousy. There's nothing I can do to fix it. I tried. Now I have to protect myself. That's the best thing you can do.

I hope you can find a way to have some fun on your return trip. Try if you can, so it won't be a total lost cause. And look at the bright side. You don't have to delete any family pics off of your camera.

My husband and I sat with you at dinner at the exmo conference. You seem like the one of the nicest people around.

Please remember that no matter what the reason is that they supposedly have for treating you (and your children) like this, the reason that nobody will fill you in on (because probably they think you should be able to read their minds and figure it out) . . . THAT reason just doesn't matter. That reason is merely the EXCUSE to make them feel justified for hurting another human being.

The truth is that NOTHING justifies treating other people like crap. And probably nothing you ever do will earn you good graces from them, and if it does, it will only be temporary.

The ONLY good way to deal with people with NPD is to get away from them. I hope you do that.

And then life will get better.

As soon as you really understand that it is THEM not YOU that is the problem, the sooner you can do what you need to do to protect yourself.

The idea of family that you were brainwashed into believing is BULL SHIT.

If your family is abusive to you, don't engage them any more. Don't waist your time on abusive people just because you share some genes. Stop waisting time on people that make you feel so crappy and spend it with people that love and support you, and care about your feelings.

I know many people that have abandoned their abusive family of origin and created wonderful "adopted" family groups. Once you can do that, you will have supportive people to help you through car break downs and such.

You are so right MJ. Now that I have left Mormonism, I do not have this expectation to endure to the end, especially in crappy situations. I adored these family members thru-out my childhood and was oblivious to what was staring at me till now. I just do not get why the least opinionated, most forgiving, big hearted person gets the short end of the stick. I was the perfect little mouse for the snake of my NPD sister for 40 years and just figured out I was the damn mouse!

Thanks for your encouragement.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/16/2012 07:42PM by tiptoes.

... and that is what abusive people do to the people around them.

There is no other reason than that. It has nothing to do with you other than you were close enough for them to abuse you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/16/2012 09:30PM by MJ.

They don't sound worth travelling hundreds of miles for, hon. *HUGS*

for what they are.

They don't get to escape themselves. They have to live with it forever.

You don't. You aren't going to let yourself trapped again by these predators.

You are a good person and very thoughtful.

No matter what - hold into that.

People like you make this world a better place.

We need more of you.

That's my friend RJ! Love ya dude. I would not have survived without you, Anagrammy, and these so called heathens on RfM. I'll take ya'll any day over all the gold in the world. The tears are still in full force, but I guess it is part of the grieving.

One: Your car insurance may cover the camera. Check that out too.

Two: Hell, I wish I could adopt you. I haven't got a big family- mine's one darling of a husband, one far-away brother, and three doggies. Every time I get to missing having a big old family, I come here and read a bit and think hey, I don't have it so bad after all! I would be proud to have a relation like you!

I'm so sorry tiptoes!!! You are wonderful and don't deserve any of that crap. I also share blood with some evil-ish people...not a good time. Hopefully tomorrow is a much better day. Big hugs!! xo

tiptoes,

I understand how you feel. I have thought that so many times in my life (OMG--it sucks to be me). Hang in there--many of us understand how you feel. Each experience is different but the commonalites are stiking.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/16/2012 08:52PM by sam.

Often, there is huuuge resistance when a person tries to better themselves, grows up, grows a backbone, and generally changes from their unhealthy assigned role in the family.

It upsets the emotional apple cart and many family members don't take it kindly.
But there is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to play destructive family games, designed to pull you back into your old role.

Stop visiting your family, stop wanting their appoval.
You seem to be doing much better without having them in your life.

Instead,treat yourself to a nice vacation with your husband and kids at a happy destination.

I hear you. I try to limit my contact with family, too... and for the same reasons!

I'm sorry for what you're going through. When prejudice comes from the family, it hurts even more. My therapist told me he dreads the narcissistic client because they really are hopeless. They will most likely never change or apologize. I thought the Mormon culture was my family for a while when I was in college in my twenties, but when I got older and left, their real faces came out.

Look at them as helplessly insecure people who are overcompensating for it.

From one victim of religious narcissism to another, you are a good, spiritual person who is a lot more self-aware than the rest, which makes you stronger.

I've been thinking about this thread today. I know how you feel. I've been through similar things with my TBM family.

I know how bad it can make you feel. you can't wrap your mind around why and how they can be the way they are.

After a while though, you will realize it sucks more to be them.

Mia...this is the nevermo side, in addition, to my husband's TBM family. My mom was one of sixteen, all the same parents, single births, at home on the bed. As I was conversing with Anagrammy, I am not the first play toy with these particular people...just sucks that I adored them, and see them in a light that I should have recognized many, many moons ago. I am alone, yet still have many family members. That is the mind fuck...excuse my language.

I know the feeling of being in a room full of people, yet so alone. That used to really baffle me when I was younger.

My husbands side of the family is nevermo. They haven't been the light of our lives either. I think hubby and i were attracted to each other because our families, though extreme opposites, are somehow the same. Cold hearted, uncaring, and mean. We both wanted our lives to be different. We've cut contact with most of the people on both sides. We've made our own family. Overall, I think we've done a pretty good job. We have our struggles, but our main focus is to keep connections strong with our kids.

tiptoes Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> just sucks that I adored them, and see
> them in a light that I should have recognized
> many, many moons ago. I am alone, yet still have
> many family members. That is the mind
> fuck...excuse my language.


Boy can I relate to this. I have, what seems on the surface, a wonderful extended family. They are a lot of fun to be with, talented, accomplished folks. But once you start looking closer, you start to see stuff that just stinks. I'm sure every family is like that to some extent. I used to think most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins were just awesome people. It hurt as I got older and started seeing them through adult eyes. It was especially devastating when I realized my granny, whom everyone in the family and community put on a pedestal, was not nearly as sweet, saintly, and gentle as she appeared. Granny had a mean streak that would come out in shocking ways. But most people didn't call her on it. I did a couple of times and, oddly enough, I think she actually appreciated not having someone kiss her ass constantly. It still hurt, though, to see that she wasn't really who she seemed.

tiptoes, I'm sorry you had such a bad visit. ((hugs)) to you. Now it's time for you to do something good for you.

I have found that the best choice I've got is the MOMENT someone is rude to me in my family, I get up and leave. I don't bother to discuss it, I just walk away. If anything is said I will simply state that I do not allow people to treat me that way. I am particularly aggressive about this when it comes to someone being obnoxious to my children (grandchildren now, the kids are both grown). Actually, standing up for them is what finally gave me the strength to stand up for myself.

And all you have to tell your children is that you love them (or yourself, depending on who was slighted) too much to put up with that sort of treatment. And then, drive home -- stopping someplace along the way to do something really fun with the kids.

If I were you, I'd just cut the family out and off all together. Some things just aren't worth it and definitely your children are better off not being exposed to that sort of meanness. (Your mileage may, of course, vary.)

There are sucky families out there, heaven knows they don't have to be Mormon to qualify. I "divorced" myself from my born-again Bible-thumping Baptist dad because he was so hateful to me and my siblings, both when we were growing up and beyond. As my sister once said, which stuck with me, "I get so jealous of my friends who say 'My daddy' this and 'My daddy' that. I want a daddy I can love, too." Unfortunately, we didn't have that.

This man had six kids who could have loved him and comforted him in his old age and illness, but not one of us did. Not one of us went to his funeral. His widow (second wife, not my mom) couldn't understand it, but she was not the brunt of his abuse over the course of years, and didn't get it that emotional abuse can be just as hurtful as physical (which his beatings when we were small qualified for, in my book).

I gave my dad chance after chance, but when his mother, my beloved grandmother, was dying and asking for him for weeks, he chose to do his church work instead of coming to be with her. He finally came two days before she died, and she was already out of it and never knew he came. That's when I said, THE END..NO MORE, and I only saw him once after that.

I understand that he wondered why none of his kids came to see him. The thing is, he chose his family, and it was his Jesus family, not his real children. I wonder if they gave him a lot of comfort in his last years.

So yes, it's OK to let go and distance yourself from those who hurt you. I understand that you adored these people when you were growing up, but you probably didn't really know how messed up they are. Now you get it...and as an adult, you can control the situation. I wish you luck.