This is a touchy subject for me, but if you got some tough love advice for me, dont be afraid to say it.

So... ever since I lost my faith in the LDS church, I started to questions Gods existance entirely. Now, I have about 3 anxiety attacks a week, and I have become even more pessimistic about the world and sadly... a lot of the time I wonder "Whats the point?" and consider ending my life. "Life's a bitch, and then you die." Now logically, the thought of suicide is silly to me, but my emotional side thinks it is perfectly acceptable. It's almost as if I have MPD; Logic Me, and Emotional Me. Logic me is real "tough love" kinda gal, and emotional me could cry a river over killing a fly. They are truly two entirely different people. Last night I had an anxiety attack. While my fiance held me tight to calm me down, I muttered, "Maybe I would have been better off being brainwashed. Oblivion is so much more relieving than reality."

Believe me, I really wish there was a savior to save from all the pain and unjustice in this world...

I really wish I could be with my loved ones forever...

I really wish people didnt have to be rich in order to receive counceling and become mentally healthy...

But how can I believe all this? am I supposed to get some sort of fuzzy feeling in my chest and KNOW that God is there? Bullshit. Ive been there before.

How did you guys deal with this? How do you cope with the thought of loosing your loved ones? All I think now is that I am in constant pain and then I will die. Why should I carry myself through a life like this?

Please dont think that I am on the verge of commiting suicide, but please realize that these are thoughts that I have and may lead to that point. I want to stop this before it gets really scary. I have started to cut myself though. I have considered this in the past, but I actually do it now. (Not very often though). Irreguardless, I cannot allow my behavior to continue.

How in the world do you just become an atheist and be totally ok with this piece of shit world treating you like dirt, and then watching all your loved ones slip away from you? I dont want comfort, I want answers. Please help.

It takes a while to adjust and many here can attest that the first part is the worst.

I don't have any special advice except keep posting. There is a lot of collective wisdom here.

Hi Rander,

I suffer from anxiety, too. When I had a medical problem when I was 22 and suffering incredible and unrelenting pain, I started having panic attacks. The problem resolved itself, but the panic attacks continued, and I was diagnosed with panic disorder. After taking Xanax, and imipramine, for about nine months, it all went away, I stopped taking the meds, and I returned to normal.

Three years later, my grandmother died. Exactly two weeks later, I had a spontaneous panic attack. No one can understand the terror unless they've experienced a full-blown panic attack themselves. I tried meds again, but couldn't continue taking imipramine because it caused tachycardia, so I settled for Klonopin and Paxil, an imperfect but workable combination. Four years later, I stopped taking both, and I was fine for three or four years. Subsequently, I've suffered from generalized anxiety disorder. It waxes and wanes. I don't need meds, but still occasionally take a low dose of Klonopin occasionally.

My panic attacks were spontaneous. They weren't preceded by gloomy thoughts or anything unusual at all. That's what makes them so scary. Generalized anxiety, on the other hand, is of much lower intensity and of an anticipatory nature. ("Something bad is going to happen. Watch out.") It's not that thoughts create anxiety or panic, so much as thoughts can fan the flames. Anxiety is, by definition, emotional, and panic attacks are the part of the brain known as the amygdala freaking out. (It's a bit more complicated than that, but good enough here.)

Some of us are unfortunately just a lot more primed for anxiety than others. To treat the panic attacks, I recommend that you try two things: first, Xanax. The moment that you feel one coming on, take 0.5 or 1 mg, and that will shut it down, although it takes about 20 minutes. Xanax is only really effective at shutting down panic attacks. To keep the flames down, add some Klonopin--0.5 or 1 mg. That will take care of you for a few hours, and hopefully for an entire day. But taking Xanax and Klonopin is problematic. Over time, Xanax tends to stop working as your body becomes habituated to it. Klonopin can have the same tolerance effect. You tend to need to keep taking more and more to get the same effect. This is bad, because you could get to the point where Xanax simply doesn't work anymore against panic attacks (although it could take months to reach that point).

So, you need a long-term drug. Usually, psychiatrists prescribe SSRI drugs, such as Prozac, Paxil, Pristiq, Lexapro, or Viibryd. Viibryd would be great if it works for you. It doesn't seem to cause fat gain, or have any sexual side-effects. (The others inhibit one's ability to have an orgasm, and tend to make one sleepy and fat, to be honest.)

The idea is to take an SSRI, give it eight weeks to work, and take Xanax and Klonopin meanwhile. Once the SSRI begins working, you'll stop having panic attacks. Then, you can stop taking Xanax, keep taking Klonopin, gradually lower your dose of Klonopin until you're only taking the SSRI, and after a year, say, stop taking the SSRI to see what happens.

Alongside all of this, see a psychotherapist and try cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), or any other therapy that you feel comfortable with. If you combine the drug approach with the psychotherapy, you'll have the best chance for getting better. I strongly advise not waiting on this. Please see a psychiatrist, and find a psychotherapist, right away.

Regarding your specific thoughts, everything that you've expressed is perfectly rational. Your post is very eloquent and says some things better than I ever could find the words for. Like you, I also desperately wanted answers to the big questions in life. I thought that if I had them, and they were the answers that I wanted, that everything would be all right. I could stop worrying.

I've learned, over time, that no amount of reassurance will ever be enough. What we really need is ongoing support. You're lucky to have your fiance. I personally believe that your panic attacks are *amplifying* thoughts that you've always had. This is where psychotherapy can help. It won't change the human condition. We will all die one day. However, it can help you to recognize distortions in thinking (i.e. unlikely and unreasonable thoughts) and challenge them and give you comfort.

Regarding atheists, believe it or not, most of them are no worse off than true believers. They don't fear or think about death more than true believers. They see the same amount of suffering that you do. Sometimes they experience the same pain that you do. But they react differently, because their brains are wired differently. People like you and me got unlucky in that way. We have a problem with the way that our brains are wired. It causes unwanted and unhelpful anxiety.

If it were possible to take a pill and eliminate anxiety altogether, any fear about a god not existing or about injustice and suffering, or the possibility that there is no afterlife would simply go away, and people would go on living their lives. Unfortunately, no magical pill like that has been invented yet, so we have to do the best that we can. And for you, that means drugs and psychotherapy, and a supportive environment.

Anxiety tends to transform itself. In your case, it has done so, leading to cutting yourself. That just makes it all the more urgent that you find a good psychiatrist and get on an SSRI right away. I promise you that you will be able to find help, and you will get better. Please take the first step right now.

Once you're on the right meds, and in psychotherapy, the stress--and make no mistake that panic attacks create a lot of stress--that you're under will decrease, dark thoughts and possible suicidal ideation will go away, and you'll return to normal.

You're going to be all right. Take the next step, and keep us abreast of how you're doing.

Best Wishes,

Steve

If you're already cutting yourself you should definitely go see a counselor or psychiatrist. There are affordable options! You just have to look. Just do a google search for therapists in your location and you should have plenty of options.

As far as making peace with your realizations about God and religion, I'm not too sure. I'm currently dealing with the same problem. But I really think that if you give it time things will get better. I know things have improved immensely for me since I first started to question things. Just don't let other people tell you that life outside the church or outside believing in God is a depressing existence.

Like abinadiburns says there is a lot of wisdom on this board. People here are always so kind and there's always someone on so whenever you feel bad just post and someone will offer you comfort.

We have all felt some of what you are feeling now to varying degrees. Life is worth living!! Period !! I know your world has been shattered. It takes time to heal from what you have been through. I felt affirmation in reading books from Carl Sagan who was an atheist, but loved the universe and all of its wonders. The truth is better than an pretty lie and you will see the beauty in that in time. Life becomes MORE precious when you realize that you only have this life to live. Live your life sweetheart, love and be loved. I'm wishing you the best in your recovery out of that damaging cult.

I had a few panic attacks that came out of the blue. I thought I was dying. There was nothing terrible that was happening in my life at the time, so I have no idea what brought those attacks on. It is possible that your anxiety attacks have nothing to do with what you are feeling about God. I went to the the doctor and got a script for some med. It was so long ago I can't remember what it was. The med took the edge off. I had to rewire my brain to head off an attack when I felt one coming on. I had to do some internet research on that topic.

You mentioned you have a fiance and you have loved ones. You are lucky.

If I were you, I would live in the moment. You have a fiance and loved ones. That is more than a lot of people have.

If I told you my story, I bet you would feel a lot better about your life.

I have no advise, but it is a good thing that you have a loving fiance and loved ones.

You are free to try any spirituality that might interest you. Many people like "new age" over orginized religion and find it refreshing. Pick one up examine it, put it down, on to the next one. Maybe their is no god but you can take your time coming to that uncomforting conclusion if it does not fit now.

Try this guided meditation on Youtube. There is nothing special about it but it brings you to where there are a bunch to chose from. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9ytcwBgJNE

Good luck and keep posting and try the guided meditation.

I agree! My life path is currently leading me to explore new-age spirituality. Its very liberating to free my mind from dogma and just live my life and do what brings peace to my soul. Of course, I don't know if this feeling is permanent, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there :)

Thanks for posting the meditation link, Druid!

It's tough, and I have the same thoughts from time to time.

> Whats the point?

There isn't one except the one you create. Look at it this way... We choose who we love, have friendships with, make meaningful connections to. None of that had anything to do with a god. There is no deity that gets to take credit for anything you do, nor damn you for not living up to some imaginary standard.

You are now more powerful than any deity. You can bring love into the world, bring reason, improve life for others, and enjoy life without guilt.

Freedom can be scary, but the point of it is the journey itself, not the pat on the back from some absentee deity later.

What you do is yours. What you accomplish is yours. And yeah, it sucks to suffer, and it sucks to watch your parents and family grow old. I've had that issue lately. But what I know is how important my interactions are in the here and now.

Without a magic world view you can start to evaluate life in real terms, both what you get out of it, and what you can do to help others. You can use your own mind to determine a moral system. And while that can be scary, it's much more rewarding than being indoctrinated. Suddenly you'll have reasons for why you believe something is wrong or right, as opposed to using nonsensical fairy tales as a rickety moral framework.

You are the person that can now distinguish truth from fiction. It is almost like a superpower in a world that believes in ghosts, psychics, and astrology. Don't underestimate how useful skepticism can be.

So realize that you've gained much more than you've lost. And I know the emotional side doesn't feel that way, but it takes a while. Give yourself a break and some time to get use to it. Your mind has been freed, as have any expectations or pressure from the lie that is religion.

You know the saying "Don't make any life-altering decisions when you're upset"? Take that to heart. This is all new to you so take the time to grow into it a bit more and don't do anything hasty.

You don't have to figure everything out all at once. It's also important to note as an atheist, you're not required to know the answer to everything right now. It's fine to explore answers in your own time at your leisure, if you want to at all.

That freedom is precious and something not felt by any Mormon.

This is what makes life worth living: invest in yourself.

Get the book "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. It's a workbook --very famous, not recent and has worked for possibly thousands. It was written to reawaken the creativity for those who are blocked; however, people discovered it reawakened their own interest in the inward journey. They discovered some things about themselves they had never known was there--talents, ideas, ability to experience joy in living.

You haven't been investing in yourself if you've been Mormon. You have been regularly milked by a huge corporation which has sucked up your time so you couldn't develop your talents or even stop to smell a flower. You were kept anxiously engaged, as if that were a good thing. No wonder you have anxiety.

I am old and have lost one child and both parents. Two of my children don't speak to me and I don't blame them. YET- YET- I have never been happier in my life. The decision I made in 2004 to get a divorce and focus on developing myself instead of other people made me start actually liking myself... instead of always working on what was "wrong" with me.

Here's the normal view of losing people you love. Death is a natural part of life. You've been brainwashed to fear it so that the Corporate More could sell you the afterlife (and a plastic card to prove it, just like roadside assistance) for only 10% of your income. When you have not been taught to fear death, you wonder about it (of course) but it is your impetus to be the best person you can be in the PRESENT, to fully love who you love and BE THERE for your family.

Live every day like you'd be ok if that's the last time you saw your loved one. Moving toward the idea that this time on earth is it is wonderfully freeing. No more worrying about why God helped you find a parking place close to the front door at Walmart while he didn't save your neighbor's newborn. (For me, that was a distinct relief--it just didn't make sense that a loving God was thanked for sparing me in the tornado while my neighbor's husband was smashed on a telephone pole). The problem of evil--gone.

Becoming an atheist coupled with the removal of grandiosity is a tremendous gift of freedom and happiness. I eat well so I can live longer (since this is it). I exercise so I can do more (since this is it). I see my grandchildren as often as possible and am super fun, not asking prying questions about their ordinances (since this is it). I spend my time on taking myself out for "artist dates" because I'm worth designing a wonderful time for myself.

You might have always done this-- I never planned a single thing for just me--always I was planning what others would enjoy and felt a little guilty if I were watching a sunset alone. Now I bring a camera, snap a photo, and try to paint that.

I recently bought a trailer (which I hook up and maintain myself), a new car, lost 25 lbs and have male attention. Now THAT'S a miracle being I am at the end of my sixties.

I am closer to my children, but the important thing is that I don't look to them to make my life meaningful. They are as screwed up as I was, just in different ways. I was screwed up by my mother and I passed it on with Nazi Mormonism. This is what we do without therapy- we pass our neurosis on.

One of my five daughters is disabled by anxiety and has been greatly helped by Buddhist meditation and psychology. If you want more information about that, I have recommended some audio tapes and books recently on other posts.

Otherwise, the emptiness when Mormonism is removed is natural since Mormonism pretended to give you everything. So you may, because of the paradigm, feel like "everything" is gone. Whereas the truth is, you were in the MOrmon Matrix and now you can just pull those suckers off and start being the interesting and complex person you were always meant to be.

Welcome to the free world. It's an exciting journey to see who you really are away from the indoctrination.

Anagrammy

+10

Beautiful anagrammy!

There's a great peace that comes with realizing that after we die, there's nothing, it was just like before we were born. No spirits to hover over you watching you, no cruel God to have to account to for anything, no hell to worry about.

It takes awhile to deal with the paradigm shift, and yes it's hard, but once you do, you realize the great freedom you have. It's all about here and now, not some pie in the sky future. Enjoy life while it's here, it's great and you don't need anything else. Animals, our cousins, enjoy life w/o worrying about all this existential crap we humans have buried ourselves in. Like Yeats said, "Death is a human invention."

I agree with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and Xanax when you need it. Anxiety is different for everyone. For me int tends to build up, and can be unbearable. I see any uncertainty in a very negative light. It will build up, and then it will fade away once I work hard to think straight. I will then come out of it, like getting rid of a cold.

For me the goal is not to go into an episode that gets worse and worse. After reading lots of CBT books, I have found one of the most helpful things for me is to make a "courage log", and a "positivity log." Essentially, I log down the positive things that happen everday, and since my anxiety comes from a job that many find stressful (high-level criminal litigation), I find it is good to record all the ways in which I am doing my job effectively and competently, and with courage. This really tamps down anxiety because anxiety is caused by pessamistic negative thoughts. Once you realize this, it gets much easier.

Anxiety is tough, and you should definately spend time to get rid of it. Truly, you must remember it will pass, it will not be forever, and you can pull out. It is so hard to realize that when in an episode.

For me, I also struggled after losing the faith. I may not be helpful because I do believe in God. I have contemplated athiesm. Frankly I have not applied the cynicism that I apply to the LDS church, to Christianity and God in general. But you absolutely can be an athiest and not have anxiety.

You will be fine. Read a good CBT book like "Feeling Good" by Burns, or any other. Really check out Amazon, you can find dozens of them, and they are all pretty good. You will find what works for you, but you have to get started on it. Take deep breaths. Write down the great things that happen in your life. Look for them each day, it will help.

My two cents.

Good Luck!!!

I also suffer from anxiety resulting from a very serious auto-pedestrian accident (I was the pedestrian). I would recommend seeking medication for the short term. And long term, I would recommend really examining your beliefs and looking for a way to find acceptance with what you believe. It was terrifying when I first realized I didn't believe in God. But over time I began to think about all of the good things in life and I settled into a new happiness. Don't worry; if you work at it, it will get a lot better.

The TSCC does everything to keep you child-like and inhibit your development.

Leaving the church is like being thrust with a vengeance into spiritual puberty. Like any thirteen year old, suddenly you have to figure out how to date (make new friends), how to get rid of pimples (erase residual mormon thinking popping up again and again) and how to be prepared to leave home ( dive into the real world with no illusions) and how to do the latest dance (discover your self).

It's Ok that things aren't quite OK now. You may be going through an adjustment. Who doesn't when life turns on a dime. Maybe thinking of it as a phase could help ease things.

Just know the way you feel now is not forever. Things can get a little wonky when your mind is reassembling itself. Do not underestimate what you have been through. Everything you based your life upon has changed. Of course you feel like you are standing in quicksand now. But it really isn't quick sand. You are just learning what it feels like to stand on solid ground for the first time and its strangeness can throw you.

If life ends with death, that makes life all the more precious. IT makes acts of kindness all the more pure because they cannot be done for reward. If your fiancé holds you when you are in trouble it is because he cares about you here and now and that is everything. You need to be there for him too. Real joy in life has nothing to do with a hereafter. It only has to do with the 'here'

I have suffered serious panic attacks. What gets me through is that I know they do not last. And that is what I keep thinking when they hit. You can always hang on until its over.

There is a lot of good advice in this thread. I wish you all the best.

Only 3 a week. I was having 8-10 per day before Prozac. Now they're under fairly good control; I take valium if I get really uncomfortable. During the worst of it, life was absolute hell. It had nothing to do with tscc; my brain just seems wired for panic.

Please explore other religions and other answers. Buddhism is a gentle, wise religion and so is Wicca. If you want to continue in the christian tradition, investigate Quakerism or Unitarianism. They are more understanding of human nature.

When you have a panic attack, try thinking "Great. Here's another one. I know you, you dumb psychological &*%$. I've had--let's see--by my count, about 135 panic attacks. And guess what!? I'm still here. You haven't killed me yet and you won't now. So do your worst. Make my heart pound, my palms turn cold, and my stomach churn. Make me feel like I'm falling off the planet. When the adreneline slows down, I'll still be here and you'll be gone. I'm not afraid of you because you're only a feeling and you can't hurt me."

Best of luck. I know the hell you're going through only too well.

This really does help me :)

I can easily give you "tough love" on a couple of your biggest cognitive problems right now. You wrote:" How do you cope with the thought of loosing your loved ones?"

You need to un-brainwash yourself. Substitute Mormon thinking with something else--anything else. New information often extinguishes old information.

Just because you aren't a Mormon anymore, doesn't mean you have to give up on God altogether. The truth is that no one KNOWS what happens after we die. No one has ever died and come back to explain the details to us. Joseph Smith was an absolute fraud. The Mormon cult uses threats and fear to keep its members. 1) You are just as likely to be with your family now as you ever were. 2) The same thing is going to happen to all of us in the hereafter, regardless of which God we believe in, or not believe at all. What happens, happens. Yes, it is hard to face death. But, now that I'm not a believing Mormon, I fear death much less. Perhaps you still believe, on some level that you will be punished for leaving the cult. It takes a while to realize that the Mormons have no power. They can not tell God what to do. They can not judge you in God's place.

You write that you feel like you are two different people. You need to accept and love yourself, as an integrated personality, with both positive and negative sides. At the time I left the church, I had zero self-love. Also, because you belonged to such a conformist, life-dominating group, you now have to discover your identity as an individual, outside the group.

You are going through a major, major life upheaval. The bullying and shunning by the Mormons made me think I was going crazy--but I still knew I was not. RFM will help you keep this perspective. We have all been through the emotional and spiritual upheaval of finding out we have been lied to all our lives, lied to by the parents and neighbors we trusted. Honestly, as bad as things were upon leaving, I was and am far happier than I was when I was in the Mormon church.

Sorry for the sympathy--you said you wanted to get tough. OK... Until you find professional help, the next time you have an anxiety attack, here are a few suggestions. Obviously, don't do anything extreme or dangerous! My worst attacks were when I was alone.

--Breathe into a paper bag.
--Change your environment. Go outdoors, go into another room.
--Talk to yourself, pray, talk to your pet.
--Remind yourself that anxiety attacks usually last less than 20 minutes. Look at the clock, subtract how many minutes you have left.
--Caffeine is like poison to me. Give up your Diet Coke. That and coffee can actually start an anxiety attack.
----Are you on antibiotics? Most antibiotics many me feel anxious.

My worst attack was when I was driving alone in the middle of the desert, 1 1/2 hours away from any rest stop. Suddenly, the horror of the past, and terrifying thoughts burst upon me, and I began to scream and cry. I thought I was going to die!! I couldn't stop the car, because it was 102 degrees outside, so I had to keep control of myself and the car. I turned on some music, but that made me scream hysterically. I told myself that I would last until I could see a mileage sign. When I did, I started computing mileage and speed limit to the next stop. The simple math forced my mind to concentrate, and not think of all the horrible thoughts. Another thing that helped, is that I didn't get mad at myself. This attack lasted longer than any other. I thought I was under control when I finally reached civilization, but the people in the crowded convenience store could tell I was anxious. I still had what I thought was a 1 hour's drive to reach a motel, and I asked the clerk how long it would take. He said, "About 4 hours." I almost burst out crying. Everyone started laughing, because he was just kidding. I laughed, too, and felt much better after that.

That night in the motel, I remembered an incident 15 years before, when my ex-husband stopped the car in the middle of the same desert, and beat me, until I managed to get out of the car. He drove away, and left me at the side of the road, for quite a while. He beat me many times, but I had repressed that one. You will improve when you identify the triggers to your anxiety attacks. I have driven that same route several times since then, with only minimal nervousness.

Get professional (non Mormon therapist) cognitive/behavioral therapy. I was lucky that some of my clients were psychiatrists, and I could choose the best one. You deserve a happy life! Congratulations on following the Truth!

PS--I'm still a Christian.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/28/2012 11:42PM by forestpal.

I got this book some years ago as recommended by rfm when I was suffering from panic attacks. I highly recommend it.

One of the things it talked about was that our society is incredibly fear based (particularly the media). That's how they sell papers/advertising. No one wants to read about people enjoying life, progressing in their careers, serving in their community. It's all about the fires and earthquakes and high profile trials.

Great thoughts in this thread so far. I also recommend doing some strong boundary setting. Look at everything you're doing, do you need to? Are you taking care of yourself (your health)? In the mormon church, we were often taught never to say no, never to put ourselves and our health first. Do stuff you enjoy instead, relaxing stuff just for you. Take time for yourself.

Please see a therapist. I know from personal experience how quickly things can go from where you are to wanting to do something drastic.

I went from being depressed and anxious to attempting suicide in a matter of seconds. A good therapist and the right mix of medications has changed my life.

Please get help.

All of the above are great advices. And you will find something that is right for you.

I know that your anxiety seems to be related to the particular discovery of all being ‘bvllsh1t’, but I just wanted to add some things that may seem silly but I've found to be true for me and some other women I know that suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. They do not in any way take the place of medication and therapy, because that is sometimes needed, but for some people it can have an impact.

I have noticed that whenever I ate sugar (as in white/brown ordinary sugar) I had a tendency to see things 'dark'. It seemed to affect me in a way that I always felt doom was right around the corner. I felt that I could predict my life and it was all dark and gloomy. Now that I’ve taken that out of my diet I have less periods of anxiety or panic. I read somewhere that sugar (again the ordinary sugar) is poison for the brain. I suspect that some things in our diets are probably playing a role on how we feel and experience with all the parts of our body, including our brains.

Second, sometime after I went for sessions in a center for anxiety disorder issues (and also specialized in PMS disorders, etc) I found that they often did not seem to take into consideration very simple down to earth things that could affect someone’s well being. Something as simple as not wearing the right bra, in case of girls and women, can have an impact on panic and anxiety attacks. If the bra is too tight it can have an impact on the breathing and not being able to breathe well, in the long run, can obviously cause a sense of panic. Anyways I noticed it was my case and the case of a friend of mine.

I’ve also noticed that because of my NDE whenever it’s dark, cold and wet outside (weather), I tend to feel horrible (coming back in my body was a horrible experience and it was dark, cold and wet) up until now I’ve been able to manage with a lamp that is for light-therapy and that I bought in a pharmacy.

I’m not saying that now all is always ‘hunky-dory’ for me all the time, (I doubt that it will ever be since I’ve gone through many horrible stuff in my life) but I’ve notice a lot of improvement. When I do have panic and anxiety attacks, there are moments that I’m able to manage them and there are moments when I just freeze or crawl somewhere and cry my eyes out for many hours until sleep overtake me, or spend a lot of efforts battling the shakes that seem to want to overtake me.

I wish you well on your journey. Please, don’t give up. Experience and see what works best for you. There are indeed many great people with great wisdom to share on this board.

My wife has anxiety, coupled with periodic panic attacks... I totally agree with the statement that unless you have them or someone you dearly love has them, you can't the terrifying nature of these problems.

Please get help. You shouldn't have to deal with this alone. There are resources out there that can help you. It sounds like you have a supportive fiancee. That can be a help too.

Whether or not you need medication, that's up to a doctor, work with them being as open and honest as you can be to help you find out what will work for you, it may be nothing, it may be vitamins, it may be a full set of prescription medication. It's difficult to say what you may or may not need from an anonymous posting on the internet, which is why you really need to talk to a therapist to help guide you though this.

It is not easy and you should not do it alone.

As for how do to deal with pain and lose? My wife asked me that very same question when her Aunt died recently. She asked how I could find comfort now that I no longer believe in an afterlife. (she's agnostic now and I'm atheist). I brought up that science teaches that the wings of a butterfly can cause the start of air movement that can build into a hurricane. Everyone, each and everyone of us simply by existing takes up space breaths in air and changes the environment around us. Add to that, the personal connections that we all make, these have deep and lasting effects that will be felt, and will be causes by all of us. The lose of any person, especially close to us is painful, but the changes that they have initiated will continue on, spiraling outwards causing a hurricane of change that they started. We are all connected, we are all important. To me, that is more beautiful and lasting than some perceived eternity of no real change or impact.

I don't know if this brings comfort to you. I hope you can find some somewhere. Remember you are not alone, you have value and you make a difference. Please get help.

I made the transition kind of slowly - I became an atheist over a period of years so maybe that is why this felt less scary to me.

With that said, I find atheism to be MUCH more comforting than believing there is a god:

1) I can let the "am I good enough" go completely. The whole concept of "sin" is gone. That doesn't mean morals and ethics are gone, but to me that is a completely different thing. I choose and want to be moral an ethical, but I don't have to feel guilt/shame. I certainly don't have to feel like there is some higher power that judges me. I also don't have to worry that I am not doing enough and that I am screwing up my children's and others eternities.

2) I actually feel way more in control of my life. Even with god you were never protected from random awfulness - that problem was always their anyway. However, now my life is what I choose it to be.

3) For me it is comforting to realize there really is not base expectation from life. Biologically/evolutionarily the only point in life is to pass on my genes and make them survive - if I am the fittest. So the basic struggle for survival is in fact the basics. Everything else is up to me and what I want it to be. I get a clean slate to decide what I want out of life.

And I'm filling that slate up. I do things I enjoy. I spend time with people I enjoy and I love. etc.

4) Eternity scares the hell out of me. If I could live for 1,000 years great. But forever and forever is awesome.

5) I did experience a fair amount of "what's the point?" The truth is, those are great questions to ask. And the point is whatever you decide you want the point to be. That is the great part. My life is much more rich and enjoyable now that I am figuring out those answers for myself - it turns out the ones the church/god provided weren't actually that fulfilling.

So in short, yes it is uncomfortable to have the placeholder answers the LDS church and god give pulled away. However once you start filling that hole in with your own real answers it feels a lot better than it ever did before.

I also highly recommend researching Myers/Brigg personality stuff. A lot of what I read gave great answers about what fulfills and gives meaning to different people depending on their personality profile. For example, my wife gets meaning out of fulfilling duty and being productive. I get meaning out of more abstract things like a cause, art, etc.

Good luck. Hang in there and you will eventually love the results.