I'm in cognito for this post because a few people irl know my username here and I'd rather they not know this about me.

I grew up in a large strict Mormon family, and often times basic needs were not taken care of. I'm talking more than food (we at a lot of the same things because that's what we could get), housing (cramped but adequate however I never had my own room) and clothing (hand me downs and sewn together to last as long as possible)...I mean things like basic feminine hygiene products and bras. My mom never talked to me about sex or menstruation at all, ever--I was given a book and that was it, I read it by nightlight when everyone was asleep. Everything I learned I got from a 6th grade health class and friends. I felt embarrassed, like I was a freak. I stole products from my mom and she'd yell at me. We never had money and I was afraid to ask my dad for money. I would cry everytime my Dad talked to me. I asked for a sports bra and was told no, as they were afraid I would wear it without a shirt. I remember going to the doctor wearing threadbare underwear. I realize part of this was my fault, I never asked for anything. I went to college and screwed up some once I finally got my own money, I ended up being left to starve for months to learn a lesson, before a relative talked my parents into coming to help--it was my mom who came.

I was never abused, but I was emotionally manipulated and neglected. My parents don't own up to this at all, I often hear if you think your life was bad let me tell you about my childhood, as if that is some way of justifying their treatment of me.

Quite honestly I forgive them now, they did what they could with what they had. I'm grown now, with a family of my own. My children don't have a relationship with their grandparents, partially because we live so far away and partially because I don't want them to. But my parents have never really tried, their philosophy is, once I'm married I'm my husband's problem. My mom will send a card for birthdays and christmas for the kids, but that is it. Whenever I talk to them, it is me who calls them. In 7 years, my mom has come to visit once, and we were nice and took her to see the sights and made sure she had fun. I don't regret my relationship with my parents now, I'm happy being independent, making my own decisions and having a family I love and care about. My children are never treated the way I was and I love my husband (who is not authoritative) and his parents who keep in regular contact.

I hear stories about kids who shut parents out of their lives, but what about parents who give up on their kids? They don't know we are out of the church, and I won't tell them. I'm afraid they will suddenly want to become involved in our children's lives and I just can't stand the manipulation and guilt. I'm happy now and don't want to change that. I post to see if there is anyone out there like me, who grew up neglected in a large Mormon home. Who had no desire to be with their family in the eternities even when they were TBM.

What a story. It is hard to grow up without parents. I know they were there, but in many ways you were/are actually parentless. It is a very sad and lonely feeling and I can empathize.

Good for you on having a good life! You deserve it! ((()))

Thank you, those kind words are actually making me cry right now.

Yup, that is messed up.

I can identify with the emotional neglect. There were many times I felt like my parents just didn't love me. Every time my mother said she felt moved to have "one more baby" which turned out to be me, I just KNEW that she said that because the baby of the family (me) is *always* a mistake.

My parents were/are very sick people, and it's amazing that my siblings and I actually function in the world.

Which brings me to what I will offer to you. I think that 1) it's amazing that you are strong enough to share that; and 2) you made it through! How incredible is that?

T-Bone

+1000

It's difficult for me to fathom how people could quite neglect their kids that much, but I'm so sorry. I'm mostly glad that you have children now who will never have to know that pain... and will know love and support instead. That makes you heroic :) So smile and pat yourself on the back a bit!

Yes, ty for sharing

My daughter and I have not talked in 6 mths.... maybe time for me to look at that. ty

I think we have the same exact parents. I could have written that word for word. The one exception was you had a night light.

What really bends me about my situation.....my parents had money. They just wouldn't spend any on their kids they didn't have to. They took pride in living like they were poor. The day I realized that was a very bad day for me.

I haven't seen them for about 18 years. I completely cut off all contact 8 years ago. My kids (adults now) wouldn't have any idea who they were if they ran into them somewhere.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/29/2012 08:51PM by Mia.

I'm sorry Mia, it really hurts. Sometimes I'm fine and then it just comes out and I cry and my husband can't figure out why when I'm so happy now.

I cry when he has fun conversations with our children, when they argue with me and we laugh together about it. I would have been punished.

I would say 98% of the time I don't even think about it anymore, but for some reason today I am..so don't think I'm crying all day long, LOL.

That book, How to talk to Kids so they will listen and listen so kids will talk
www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/

Every bad example in it was said to me growing up. I read it just after becoming a parent myself, and it was nice to learn good ways to parent, to care about your kids and give them the things they need, to make them feel loved.

How hard is it to just be a freaking caring parent?

Mindlight--please call your daughter, just to talk, find out what's going on in her life, ask her feelings and thoughts without being judgmental. At one point I tried to form a relationship with my mom, called every few weeks, talked with her. Then I talked with my sister, who made the comment mom is trying to figure out what you want. And I realized it wasn't making a difference. I still call my mom, every few months now just to talk, because I know she is lonely, I don't want her to think I want something.

It was when I had my own children that I realized how sick my parents are. No emotional support, encouragement, affection, ever. I didn't know how crazy that was until I had kids. I can't imagine being that way with my kids. Not even for a day.

I made sure my kids knew what it was to be loved, cared for, and encouraged every day of their life. I'm still doing that and they're almost 30.

My parents are still they way they were. They have gone through their entire lives it seems without learning a thing. It's really very sad. They missed out on so much. They had 7 children, and have a relationship with none of them. Same with their 20 plus grandkids.

A strange thing that I discovered over the years about where my parents were from. Almost every single person from that town/area that are their age had the same growing up experience. I don't know if it's just a fluke of the people i've met over time, or if there is something to that. They grew up in a small town on the Idaho Oregon border.

I grew up on the Utah/Idaho border. My Dad did too. My Mom grew up in Northern Utah. My parents have changed a bit over time, but it took some major family events to do that. They are nicer people now. I often feel jealous because my mom has a close relationship with the in-laws, she can love them but not me? I suppose it is because we live so far away. I'm over it, but every once in awhile it bothers me. My husband also grew up poor but his parents have always been nice. I call my MIL mom because I talk to her more than my own mom.

I knew a few other really poor families like mine growing up, I knew some friends who were molested (things could have been much worse for me), I don't feel like my parents were ever "white trash" but we were. My Dad worked all the time though, there were just to many kids. I don't know how many times I heard that his patriarchal blessing said he'd be able to provide if he paid his tithing, it pisses me off because we needed that money so very much.

I often wonder if it was the Great Depression that did this, my grandparents talked about it a lot, and they were a heavy influence on my parents. People were just destitute with nothing and no hope. It's hard to love if you worry all the time.