So last night I totally blew it trying to come clean about my beliefs with my mom. Basically, a case study for how NOT to do it.

Today... she wouldn't take my call.

How can I repair this relationship? I wrote a letter to her articulating the things that I DO believe. She isn't interested in the reasons I don't believe. It just seems so cheesy.

As far as this recovery board goes, I am someone on here that really needs help and support tonight. I blew it last night. I really upset my mom and I love her and I want her to be in my life. How can I come clean about leaving the church while at the same time preserve my close relationship with my mother?

I'm so sorry. Maybe your mother just needs a little time? We've all been there: an emotional blow that is painful for a short time but then subsides with a few days. Our rational minds kick in.

Maybe write the shortest of notes: Mom, I know I love you and hate to see you sad. Call me when you're ready.

I don't know. But you know everyone here is behind you, right?

A lot of people were really supportive last night and I really appreciated it.

What I also got last night was that the situation was my fault and that I shouldn't have expected it to go any differently. Some people gave advice to help (Anagrammy in particular), but... I know my mom. Her testimony is based on a feeling she had when she prayed about the church that the elders said was the spirit. It does not matter to her (at all) what the church says or teaches... she "knows" it is true. And she knows that leaving the church makes me a bad person, mother, daughter... etc.

How do I... do this?

I would give her some time to calm down.

I can try to give you a few thoughts.

1) The main thing you have to do is to give your mom time. The reason your mom didn't take your call today was very likely because she wasn't ready to deal with it right then. She may be wise enough to realize that all should would do is more harm than good. This does not mean that your relationship is forever broken; it just means it is going through a tough time.

2) Your mom behaved very badly on a number of levels yesterday. The wishing she was dead and/or you were dead were especially problematic. She was giving you a major guilt trip that you did not deserve. It is not worth it to try to repair the relationship with her by giving into this manipulation. If the relationship becomes one where you are not both acting as adults - especially if she tries to put you back into a child role and impose behavior and beliefs on you that will go nowhere good - for either one of you.

3) Over time you will both need to learn how to ignore the elephant in the room and focus on the other aspects of your relationship. You can start by reassuring her of your love for her and telling her very specific things she did right as a mother that you appreciate.

4) There are a number of things within the church that help console parents with "wayward children". You may want to do a little research and find some of the talks/quotes that directly state that if parents are faithful their wayward kids will be fine. There are also talks/quotes that explain that parents shouldn't take it as a personal failure when their children choose a different course. Some of these could be a comfort for her.

5) It's very reasonable to feel very sad and upset about what has happened with your mom. However, it is completely wrong to put blame on yourself. Her life is based on a fraud and something that is not true. You have learned the truth about that. You both are in a difficult situation, but that does not mean you or she need to take blame. Sometimes things are just difficult without there being anyone to blame.

6) It's going to take time. She will process it. Try to avoid actions and situations where you and she make the wound deeper.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/20/2012 11:11PM by bc.

Give her time. If you haven't heard from her in a couple of weeks, then send her an email telling her that you love her and appreciate everything that she's done for you as a mom.

Give it time. Let her know you love her and give her some space. If she isn't taking your calls in a week or so, maybe you should drop by and try to talk to her.She has had a shock and is worried for your soul. It is real to her and she needs time to process it.

Time...

that is so hard for me! I always want to fix things right away. But yes, it is the only answer. I just wanted to talk to her to show her that I am the same person that I have always been, that I am not rejecting her and that I still love her.

But time... okay. I will try to just allow some time.

Thank you for your kind words (and for even remembering my post). I am the reason this board is so important...

Please be nice to yourself. You've done nothing wrong and you are just trying to live an authentic life. Hang in there!

+1

One thing that helps me is to remember you are not responsible for her feelings. You should be able to live your life as you see fit. It is her set of beliefs that are bringing her pain. She knows she must maintain the church belief regarding apostates. She could love you unconditionally if the church would just let her.

My mother broke down and cried when I said I didn't believe JS was a prophet. She still treats me great but I still have that memory in my mind. It might take a long time to get to a new balance point in your relationship. But it probably won't ever be the same as it was.

I always tell myself that you can't leave a controlling, manipulative cult without pissing a few people off.

Your mother felt sorry for herself because she has been placed in an impossible situation--she is to raise a person who is to be independent and self-sufficient, yet humble and obedient to authority. Her child is to be taught believe the improbable AND impossible while holding down a full time job in the real world dealing with facts.

And if he doesn't, it's her fault.

It's a no-win-win game.

THEY are hurting her, not you. You're just going ahead with as normal an adult life as possible and you're no doubt a son any mother would be proud of.

She'll snap out of it and quit the pity party. You are, after all, the same person you were yesterday.


Anagrammy

..change any topic to a complement for your mom.

If they talk about not following the church leaders, turn it around and tell your mom how glad you are she taught you to be independent, strong and able to think for yourself.

If they talk about you not following the commandments (aka sinning), tell her how glad you were to be raised in a home that gave you a strong sense of morals and your own sense of right and wrong.

You get the idea. Remember that the church likes to guilt parents (especially moms) who let their kids stray away. Let Mom know you view her as being a successful parent who loved you and was there for you.

Tell Mom no relationship with her is conditional on religion defining the relationship.

Also, depending on your mom's age and your situation, you can always just tell her what she wants to hear so you don't have to deal with her being disappointed her whole life. I wish I had not opened up so much to my mother. All it did was make her more diligent trying to activate me. She did appreciate the complements from me though.

The church will try to blame moms for any "failure in the home." the moms think there was something they didn't do right. Counteract that by letting her know she did things right and you could not be more pleased with how she raised you. This helps deflect the guilt the church will try and pile on her.

Good luck. I hope you don't have to apologize for telling her the truth. You must do what you need to do for your situation.

I really don't think there is anything you can or could do differently. It's not your fault. You didn't do it *wrong*. There really isn't a right way to do it. If I recall, you posted previously that for several years you avoided the topic of the church because you knew what the reaction was likely to be. She forced your hand by asking you to spend the day in the temple with her. My guess is that she probably had suspicions and decided to call you on the carpet.

You didn't do this. You even tried to avoid it. As for how to repair it? I don't know that you can, it's not you who is doing it. If you are being kind and loving to the point of feigning belief and she is still shutting you out, well...that's just not how parents should treat their kids. Conditional love isn't love. You can't change what she is doing. Perhaps you can change the kind of mother you are or will be.

It's so hard. And I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know how awful it is, all the feelings of guilt and sadness and frustration and pain. It really is so so hard. But you will get through it.

I think, it sounds like she needs a little time to digest things. I'm sure she will eventually talk to you again and then you can begin to repair things. But, it may always be a sore spot.

I'll share an experience I recently had with my mom--I don't know if this will help you, but maybe it will.

I wrote my mom a letter for mother's day, it was a letter of gratitude--I just wanted to express my appreciation for all she has done for me. I have had a rough time over the last 3-4 years and she has really been supportive. And she has even handled my disbelief better than I ever expected her to. So I told her that in the letter, that I really appreciated how supportive she had been of me in my "decision to leave the church." Man, those were the wrong words to use. She stewed over that letter for a month and was really upset and depressed (only I didn't know it), then she finally confronted me about it. She got so upset because she thought I was going to officially resign since I had said, "leave the church." I had already told her I didn't believe and she knew I haven't been to church in over 3 years but the words "leave the church" really stuck out in her mind. So, we had a long phone conversation (we don't live in the same state) and she cried and I felt awful and like I was breaking her heart. The thing is, I know it does break her heart and that hurts me. But what can I do? Pretend I believe again? No, so anyway, we talked things out and I told her I am not going to resign and that really seemed to help things. I told her I don't intend to go back to church but I think that as long as I don't officially resign, she has some hope, and that makes a big difference. And I really mean it, I won't resign as long as my mother is living because I just can't do that to her. I'm not lying to her, but at the same time, my not resigning does give her hope and I guess I'm okay with that. Some people would say that's silly, that I should do whatever I want and it's not my job to please my mom, but I love my mom and I want to spare her as much sorrow and anguish as I possibly can--so if not resigning will do that, then that's what I will do (or not do, lol).

My mom and I mostly just avoid talking about church. But things like this last incident with the letter do come up sometimes.And we hash it out and it can be painful, but we get through it. And when she does talk about church I listen politely. I only "air my grievances" so to speak, about the church if she asks me specific questions, which she doesn't often do. Now, this has worked out relatively well so far, but we also don't live close to one another and so it's easier to avoid the subject. I often wonder if things would work so well if we lived close by and saw each other regularly. I think church stuff would come up more often then. Anyway, I don't know if you live close to your mom or not and how much you see her---that could make things more complicated.

Anyway, I tell you this so you can see that with time, you and your mom will likely be able to work things out. It may never be the same as it was before she knew, but that doesn't mean you can't still have a good relationship. My relationships with my TBM family are different now, there is an underlying tension or awkwardness that wasn't there before and I don't know that it will ever go away. But we still talk and love each other and that's enough for me.

Hang in there, I hope things get better soon.

Yeah, she lives really close and babysits my son 3 days a week. I think that the main issue is that I wouldn't be raising him in the Church.

Thank you so much for your personal response. I hope we can get there.

If you have defined "doing it right" as doing what is right for you without upsetting anyone, it will be impossible. You will always be "wrong" that way and at the mercy of other's reactions. I'm not saying you should be unfeeling, because you are obviously feeling and caring. Of course you care about how your mother feels!

At the same time, if you define yourself as being right or wrong depending on how she or others react to your legitimate needs, you are vulnerable to feeling anxious and "wrong." I don't think there was a way to be "right" about this in terms of your mother's reaction. She feels the way she does and in time I think the two of you will work it out if she wants to. She may have to give up "the mother position"of trying to define reality for you and be more authentic with you and give you emotional and psychological space to be authentic with her. It might not happen but it is also worth the chance.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/21/2012 10:15AM by robertb.

Definitely give a little time. Holland in the BBC documentary "The Mormon Candidate" spoke very strongly against shunning. If there's any way you can make her see that it might help?

Oh, Suzanne, I feel for you! I'm still in the closet about leaving (with my Mormon "friends") although my family ISN'T Mormon, so they're just kind of relieved.

When I joined TSCC my Father, not a terribly religious man, disowned me - wrote me out of the will and everything. He said that he wouldn't give a dime to me if I was going to just tithe it to "them." He got over it, saw I was still ME and life went on. My nephews used to introduce me as, "This is Aunt Docia. She's Mormon BUT she's really fun!"LOL

So it was kind of like your situation, but reversed. Just keep loving her, stay in touch and show her that YOU are still YOU! Hopefully, she'll come around. I wish my Dad were still alive...we could share a glass of Cherry Herring (if you're Danish, you know what that is!) and laugh at how stupid I was...

I don't know what I'd do without this board...you guys give me courage daily. You Rock!

I would like to add my vote to the giving her time. I went through the same thing and my family adjusted to the idea with time. I have a former psycho bishop who is still out to make me pay but everyone else has become reasonable.

It is difficult enough to work through one's own feelings and sense of things and take on the facts and get out the other end feeling whole, all that effort is magnified 1,000% when you try to address it with a loved one or family member who you know doesn't even feel the way you do.

You are a good person.

You are a thoughtful person.

You are a caring person.

But at this moment in time, your good, caring thoughts have put you in a different place than your mother thinks you are or ought to be. Don't panic! Sometimes new information when it comes to belief systems is difficult for people to accept.

Give her a little time to become adjusted to that, and to calm down. Give yourself time to shake off the effects of her overly-dramatic response to your new information. You don't need to prove to her that you are the same good person as you were the day before you told her. Just BE that perso.

If you concentrate on remaining calm and rising above the drama as best you can instead of reacting, eventually she may come to see that you are going down a new path in life, and what she wants for you is going to have to be adjusted to your needs, desires, and intentions.

Best wishes.

This advice comes from Short Topics # 392 on how to make money by starting your own Mormon "business":


"Coldly, you hold hostage a family's togetherness in the hereafter, plus their closeness here."



http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon392.htm

Send her a postcard (not a letter, which she could discard without reading) with the 11th Article of Faith on it:

"Articles of Faith of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:
"11. We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and ALLOW ALL MEN THE SAME PRIVILEGE, let them worship how, where, or WHAT THEY MAY."

When I told my mom I didn't believe and would not be going to church anymore she did not talk to me for 6 weeks.There were real issues invovling my son with Down syndrome that should have her at least empathize with my decision. But no...

I continued to call her as I did before. Left messages. Sounded cheerful etc. Eventually, she started talking to me agin, and I think, did see that I was basically the same person as before. We still can't talk religion and it has been 10 years.

I think she still holds a grudge. My nevermo husband died 2 years ago and I still have young kids at home. When ever I mention needed someone to fix a pipe or something around the house her response usually is-"When I needed help as a single, my home teachers took care of things for me." I think that is her message to me to go Back to church.

Whatever, life is too GOOD outside the church to ever go back. I have great neighbors who help me out and I don't have to pay them 10% of my income!

I say, call her...leave cheerful messages and hopefully she will come around. I think, it is a lot to process for some-you know, that unconditional love stuff they like ti talk about...

That begging and pleading only empowers others.

Silence can be a very effective manipulation tool.

Other's in this thread have got it right, IMHO: Give your mom time. Don't allow her silence to coerce you into behavior that isn't congruent with what you have learned to be true. Allow other adults to follow their own path in life, just as you want to be allowed to follow your own path.

The church excels at teaching their members to be passive-aggressive, manipulative, judgmental, condescending. Don't let your mom use these tactics on you. She probably feels like that's her only option right now with her wayward daughter, and that the end (you returning to the morg) justifies the means (manipulation, silent treatment, etc.)

Help her understand that you aren't lost, that you are content with your life choices, that you still love her, and that as an adult, you will not tolerate manipulative behavior from your mom towards you.

AND DON'T BEG OR PLEAD WITH YOUR MOM TO BREAK HER SILENCE! That will only validate in her mind that her manipulative behavior is working - and you certainly don't want to encourage how she's currently behaving.

In addition to wishing she were dead, my mother sent me a picture of a heart -- cut in half.

And some of the people I knew growing up telephoned me at her request, told me how she was suffering, and tried to get me back in the flock.

Here's what I said to them: "I know it's hard for my mother. Is there something that you can do to help her feel better?"

It was painful for me, as it currently is for you. I cried plenty, got a little depressed, blew my stack occasionally, and eventually worked my way through my feelings.

Fortunately I'd had some counseling and with some effort, managed to mostly stay away from the "self-hate" thinking.

I remained friendly with her (but NEVER talked religion with her, except to say, "I'm trying to do what's best for me"), and she grew to tolerate me again.

The feelings you have are totally expectable, but please try not to hate yourself.

Wow. The heart cut in half is a nice touch....

Today I bought her a nice "i love you mom" kind of card and I am going to send it to her without even mentioning the church. I just want her to know that she's a good mom and that I miss her. I think some people would say that is giving in to the manipulation, but I can live with that much.

After that, it will have to be up to her I guess to get past it. As much as she "knows" the church is true, myself and EVERYONE ON THE PLANET minus about 7 million know it is not.

Time. Time is a hard thing for me to give her, but I'll try.

I can't imagine anyone would consider that manipulation. Attending church regularly would be because of manipulation. Doing something loving and thoughtful is simply - loving and thoughtful. Good for you for choosing the higher road!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/21/2012 09:14PM by bc.

A picture of a heart cut in half? That's creepy and not a little melodramatic.

My son found out the fraud of the cult while away at college taking a Religions of the World class. His professor challenged the class the first day to examine the Judeo Christian lives they led. And so he did.......Those that could not or would not examine their beliefs critically were asked to leave in no uncertain terms. He stayed and I am forever grateful!!! He would come home from college nearly every week end and we would "discuss" religion and it would get very heated, but respectful. I felt, as your mother did, I'd actually put that in the back of my mind, this was a decade ago. I was very hurt that he would "turn his back" on what I had tried so hard to teach him. He kept telling me that I was a good mother and I was a good mother REGARDLESS of the church, not because of it. I just could not grasp that. He kept telling me that he loved me and that this had nothing to do with his love for me. He told me that he "loved TRUTH more than any pretty lie." Sadly, as I look back I was dumbfounded with his quest for truth, it was obedience that us Mormons cherished. What was up with this TRUTH thing? We talked and talked, but I never did the research, I delayed reading the book he asked me to read. (The Final Superstition, A Critical Evaluation of the Judeo Christian Ethic). It took me two years before I even picked it up. I was under such mind control that I would be a BAD person to look at anti mormon anything. The breakthough came through a members email actually. She was forwarding a hate email against Martha Beck, the daughter of Hugh Nibley who wrote, Leaving the Saints. I was intrigued for some reason and asked my never mo husband to go and purchase the book for me while I waited in the bookstore parking lot. We can laugh about that now, but to me at that time, the mind control was real and complete. I couldn't be seen purchasing such a book. I even had my husband drive three cities away to purchase the book. The book changed my life. I immediately knew what she wrote was true, without malice she wrote that the church was a fraud, the Book of Abraham was a sham, I believe she mentioned this site and I've never looked back. My son and I were eventually able to help his siblings see their way out of the cult too and out of superstition altogether. I am not proud of it taking so long. You have made me realize what a painful time this must have been for my son to see me cry, to see the pain it was causing me. I respected my son, his intelligence and his honesty, yet I just couldn't wrap my brain around it until I had that breakthrough. It is different for everyone. Reading about cult mind control might be helpful for you in realizing that your mother's mind is not her own right now. I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope my story has helped in some small way. I wish you the best and send big hugs to you from this Mex Mom.

Wow... you have such an interesting perspective on this! It is wonderful to talk to someone who has been through what my mom is going through. I hope someday I can lead her out of it too, but for now all I want is for her to continue being my mom and good friend. If there is anything in particular that your son said to you that was comforting to you at that time, I would love to hear it!

Remember: the leaders of LDS, Inc. could end ALL THESE CONFLICTS IN A NEW YORK SECOND if they wanted to.

They Don't.

(I don't know You, Don't know your Mom)

Gullible people will continue to be gullible sheeple, and LDS, Inc, will CONTINUE to max that out.

nothing there is likely to change.
They're definately loosing more talent, creativity-imagination than they're gaining, That ain't even Close.

assertions that JS was a con man. I never knew about some of the things he was telling me of course, so I doubted what he might be learning from his professor. Of course your mother has been trained to believe the cult and never question. It is not easy to erase years and years of mind control. I think reading some of Steven Hassan's books about cult mind control would be very beneficial to you in understanding your mother than anything I might say. But to answer your question...my son continued to tell me that "I" was a good mother, that "I" taught him to be a good person,not a church, that I taught him to be honest, not a church, that I taught him to be kind,not a church, that I stayed up with him when he was sick,not a church, that I sacrificed for him, not a church...etc.
He did reassure me that he would not all of a sudden start committing crimes, robbing stores, etc. like the church would have you believe. Silly now to think that I thought this way,but I was "brainwashed" or more accurately under cult mind control. I am so happy and lucky that I saw the light and grateful that our relationship survived this. But try as I might I still have a TBM sister entrenched in the cult and two dear friends of over 25 years. It kills me to see the control it has over them. If only deprogramming and exit counseling were the norm to deal with our loved ones still in the cult. Remember that your mother's ability to reason is impaired by mind control. Remember that most of us here were under the cult's spell. Good luck to you in your quest to unbreak the spell or just acheive a good relationship with your mother. Big Hugs to you Suzanne! I wish you well.