I left the church 2 1/2 years ago and took my husband and four kids with me. Yes! It was a painful thing to do, but I have never regretted it for a minute.

I've been to two funerals since then and it really pisses me off how much gospel pushing there is. I guess they know they've got some apostates as captives in the audience and wanna make sure we get a good dose of it. "If we are righteous we can see him again.."

Anyway that stuff just annoyed me, but I'm concerned about how it may affect my kids (ages 7,11,14,16). Especially my 7 yr old girl, she doesn't remember much of this stuff from primary and I haven't known how to talk to her about an afterlife. I'm agnostic, Husband is apathetic about it all. Kids don't miss church, even though I gave them all the option to go anytime (I'd even go with them,ugh) they have never wanted to go back.

I'd like to just leave them all home, but my mom and her family would be hurt. So I've pretty much decided to take them, even though they were never very close with Grandpa.

Any suggestions?
Thanks

Go for the viewing and maybe the graveside, but see if you can skip the chapel service, which is usually the most doctrine heavy.

It might actually do your kids good to see the weird temple clothes on display.

If you do go, prepare them in advance in a causal way. Just drop into a conversation about going that they will be saying a lot of things about what they believe there. They believe that they came from another planet, and that grandpa magically went back to that planet, and that sometime after we die we will mysteriously go to that planet and see him again.

I don't believe that people like grandpa travel to other planets and live, he's dead! But we want to show support for the pain that others are going through, and be able to discuss our own pain of missing grandpa, so lets go to the funeral. But we'll just be quiet and respectful when they talk about grandpa going to another planet and we'll see him again on that planet.

Making it absurd sounding like that might inoculate them against what they will be hearing.

I'd take them if it is going to be a big deal. Let themknow what to expect.When I was 7 I didn't pay attention anyway.I doubt it will hurt them.

I regret allowing my children to go to their TBM paternal grandfather's funeral. We were all still technically TBM at the time, but my children attended a Lutheran school and church. Their TBM grandmother blamed me for the divorce, and requested that I not attend the funeral, in deference to my ex's new wife. My ex-husband cheated on me with several women, and abandoned us. Our children had not seen their father for 4 years. They had to face this situation alone.

My kids felt left out of the family, as though they were among strangers. They sat together, toward the back, not with the rest of the family at the front. The funeral speakers gave the message that only the obedient Mormons would be part of the "forever family." Their aunt forced them to go up on the stand and sing, "I am a child of God" with the herd of grandchildren--and they didn't know the words--so everyone knew they had not been to Primary. During the meal, their grandmother made a comment about us trying to demand money (because their father wouldn't pay alimony or child support). They had no one to speak up for them. If your children go to the funeral, they will need you there to hold their hand.

When my children returned, they said it was one of the worst experiences of their lives. They didn't want to go to any funerals after that. I usually send a sympathy card, or flowers, and have the kids write a note on the card, if they want to. Recently, all my children went to their uncle's funeral, but my oldest walked out when the preaching started. My ex-Mo cousin walked out of his own mother's funeral, when--UNINVITED--the stake president slipped in the side door and onto the podium to preach the plan of salvation.

Though it is good to socialize your children, I don't think they should be put through UNNECESSARY pain. It might be necessary for the children to properly grieve their grandpa's death--but it is not necessary for them to be criticized and preached at.

It might be difficult for them to get out of going to their own grandfather's funeral. They will probably have to learn "I am a child of God," or "Love One Another" or some other song. I like the idea of you preparing them ahead of time, for the lame stuff they might hear--and have them practice tolerance.

IMO, a funeral is to celebrate and honor a person's life, to deal with your grief, and to express your support to the family and friends of the deceased. The purpose is NOT to worship in a religion you are opposed to. I go to the viewing the night before, skip the worship, then go to the graveside service.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2012 05:16AM by forestpal.

What a horrible experience for your kids. That sucks.

Let them go to the viewing or luncheon, whatever you think they can comfortably handle. Your children are more important than what relatives "think."

"Sorry you're disappointed that the seven year old is with a sitter. But in talking with her, I realized she'd likely be better off with minimal participation. All kids go through sensitive stages you must know and she's no different. You're looking nice today. That dress suits you very well."

You're the parent and your first responsibility is to your children, not to their busy-body preachy mormon relatives.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2012 08:33AM by Cheryl.

Absolute good, Absolute bad, Absolute love, and absolute evil.

I am not one to say what you "ought to do" in the event of a funeral. I have gone to some and skipped others. If you decide to bring your children, a bit of prepping may be needed. As their parent, you should be prepared to run defense and the occasional offense in their behalf, because funerals nowadays are weird enough to children without all the extraneous baggage that stupid relatives bring to the party.

A few comments you might want to practice dropping so they roll comfortably off your tongue at the appropriate moment:
"Butt out, dear: my kids are as ethically and morally upright as yours."
"I'm SO sorry, we must have walked through the wrong door - I thought this was dad's funeral, not a missionary recruitment center!"
"'Eternal Family' ...? Hahaha! With the grief we've gotten from you for the last 2.5 years, I'd say the term is more like 'Infernal Damn Me'. Whoops - look at the time! Gotta go! Bye!"

Or maybe they'll all respect your realities and be nice to you. I hope that is the case. Best wishes and condolences.

My parents kept me away from funerals as a child (the first funeral I attended was my father's when I was a teen.) Although I felt a bit left out, I now understand why they did that.

I would not have the two younger kids attend the viewing, and you might consider keeping them away from the funeral as well. I would talk to whichever kids are going and explain to them what they are likely to hear along with your own views. I would tell them that Mormons believe that you have to be temple sealed to be a family in the afterlife, but that other Christians (and people of many other religions and beliefs,) expect to see their loved ones when they die. You can say that you yourself don't know what happens after death (or your own POV.)

There is no way that I would let Mormons share their beliefs with a young family member of mine without me counteracting those beliefs. In my case I would say that I believe in a loving God who would never dream of keeping loving family members apart.

Then I would tell them to respect the Mormons' beliefs while around them, but that it's perfectly okay to have different beliefs.

And there is no event more important than a death. They need to be well prepped, kept close, and protected from relatives. But they need to experience life and death.

I have strong memories of funerals from childhood. They aren't necessarily good memories, just important ones.

If they haven't been to church for years, I don't see how one ceremony is going to hurt. Humans have done weird things around death for millenia now. It's time to explain death to them. You can't skip it because it's hard or you're confused.

They may have not been close to grampa, but he was your dad, and they need some life lessons on unconditional love.

I suspect this will be a lot harder for you than for them.

Congratulations on getting them out of the church! You did a good job and they'd be eternally grateful if they understood the church better. Maybe this funeral service will help them see the importance of what you did for them.

if they go to church they can see him again likely won't have much effect on them. Also, you could always, you know, talk to them about it - both before and after the funeral. Not knowing how to talk to a seven year old about something as basic as the belief of a majority of the human race in an afterlife is something you really should consider remedying before you are confronted with having to talk to your kids about something that is actually important.

Funerals are social events on which our society places a great deal of emphasis, and your children will be attending them throughout their lives. Like most social events, funerals are more about navigating through other people's bullshit than anything else. You either accept that or drop out of society. Your kids are all old enough to go and old enough to discuss with you what they see there.

obviously worried about your kids or you wouldn't be asking the questions you did. Let me explain why I wrote what I did. There are three types of advice consistently given on RfM that I think are generally truly terrible:

1. Avoidance of normal situations. Advising someone to avoid walking alone through the South Side of Chicago at two a.m. is prudent advice. Advising someone to avoid attending, or avoid having their children attend, family funerals is not. Some situations, even some painful situations, just need to be met head-on.

2. Meeting passive-aggressiveness with passive-aggressiveness. Passive-aggressive attempts to bring you or your kids back into the fold should be either addressed directly and immediately or ignored entirely. Making passive-aggressive quips in response to such attempts is just playing at the level of the person seeking to bring you back in the fold.

3. Treating pain and death with kid gloves. Pain and death are realities of life. We all suffer pain, and we do need to develop some capacity for it and learn to deal with it in a positive way. Each of us and everyone we know will die, and we need to come to grips with that and learn to deal with it in a positive way. Avoiding discussing these realities with children (at an appropriate age and in an appropriate way, of course) is setting them up for serious future problems.

Each of these three pieces of advice is given, or seems to be given, in some of the posts above. No disrespect to the posters, but following such advice consistently in life will simply exacerbate what are really, in the grand scheme of things, small problems.

about how over protectiveness hurts children in the long run. So that's my bias this morning.

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/8555/#.UBGDOMqLSsc.facebook

If you anticipated that your family was going to be mean or nasty to your kids, that would be one thing. But kids need to learn to deal with uncomfortable situations like death, hearing things you don't agree with, and hanging out with people who believe differently than they do.

I have a very vivid memory of walking up to my grandmother's casket when I was seven. It was scary and strange (she was also scary when she was alive ;-), but I think it was an important part of recognizing her passing. Funerals aren't easy, but they are part of the reality of death and loss. Kids need to learn to deal with it.

These types of events always end with a car ride home where we talk with each other about what happened, what was taught, and usually a few weird interactions with TBM family. When the kids were younger, it would be a teaching moment. Basically, we process the weirdness on the way home.

you might think of ways for them and you to remember grandparents that are good and comfortable.

I've been to any number of different types of funerals and other religious rituals for life events. People just have different ways of doing different things that are important to them.

This might be a chance to help your children learn that. Or it might not.