Hi Everyone, I haven't posted in a while, but I'm back because my father (who has been abusive all my life) is dying from Alzheimer's. It was only a few years ago he nearly took my life in front of my little boy. I knew that this day would come, just not so soon...my response was prepared from the therapies I have been apart of, and when my sister called last week to say our mother wanted us to come give him our last respects, my prepared response went smoothly. She has decided to do the same thing: nothing. The last ten years, our narcissistic mother has done her best to ruin our lives, with our father as her attack dog and has been successful in some cases. My sister was almost successful in her suicide attempt a couple of months ago. We will not be attending a funeral. We will not have any contact with our mother, nor any of the flying monkey siblings. It just feels so weird that it's finally here. I feel relief, not sadness. And for that I feel guilt. All I can keep thinking of are memories, searching through them for one good memory. I can't find one. Feeling sad, no matter how much a parent hates their child, the child never stops wanting love from them. I guess I just needed to tell you all, could use some support. My heart is aching.

I'm sorry that you're sad. I hope you'll accept my cyber hug. :(

Thank you fidget the hug is nice.

I think guilt might be a way of life for a lot of people in RfM.

But you don't need to feel guilt. It is time to start to feel better. You no longer will need to try and get your father's approval. You no longer have to worry about what he will say or do to you. It is over and you can move on.

Even if you decide not to attend the funeral, you should have some sort of ceremony so that you feel closure about his death. Some way that you can say what you really feel like saying to him. Write him a letter and then burn it or something like that.

I hope you find the comfort here that you need.

FormerLatterClimber Wrote:
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> I feel relief, not sadness. And for that I feel guilt.

I think that a mishmash of emotions is entirely normal when a parent is dying or has already died, no matter what your relationship. I loved my mom a whole lot, but when the intense grief started to lift a few weeks after she died, I felt relief, and then guilt for that relief! Sometimes it feels like there's no winning in that regard.

FLC, this time is not about your dad, and it is not about your mom. It is about *you*. This is be good to *you* time. Cut yourself a break in every way possible. Whatever you can do is terrific, and whatever you can't do is understandable. It's time to be your own best friend, your own best cheerleader, and your own best supporter.

Summer, thank you. I will. Thank you for reminding me. They never were my friend, or cheerleader or supporter. I owe it to myself not to make it about them...excellent advice.

There are tears flowing from all your responses seriously you guys thank you.

'He can no longer hurt me.' Maybe that will be my mantra for the next few days.

You're safe and loved. Write a letter like Susanna said then burn it and bury the pieces.

Thank you Suzanne for the validation. I just really needed to hear that these feelings are normal. It's so hard because I don't know what I would even say. That I forgive him maybe? My sister and I like the idea of our own private memorial. Thanks we will do that. Mostly I want to tell him I'm glad he won't hurt us anymore.

I'm very sorry you have to go through this. I wouldn't be able to attend my parents funeral either. I would be so upset and would not want to be in seen in public. your feeling so weird right now, it must be hard to focus on other things. If you believe in an afterlife, read about NDE's and what people say about the fun they have on the otherside, if it gives you any comfort. You are in my thoughts.

I am sorry for the good father you deserved but never had and it probably makes sense that you are mourning a little for that. Even people who have great relationships with spouses and others who have degenerative diseases feel relief when that person dies. You have no reason to feel guilt only relief. It should be a relief to know that he can no longer hurt you.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 07/29/2012 12:34AM by bc.

You need time to grieve when all this comes to an end, then pick yourself up and move on with your life. Your famzilla is obviously broken, and no matter what you do, you cant fix them. That is why people are so depressed and the whole mormon thing makes people so depressed...TSCC is "selling" an unrealistic goal with all those folks and families out there that appear to be loving and normal...it does NOT exist!! It is not real life. Your dads death and family being shattered will take time to work thru, and you will have to come to terms with the situation. IT will take time, but you will move on with your life. Peace.

Even though I know it's not an excuse, I feel that people are the way they are because of their own experiences. Some can't move past those experiences. They can't give what they don't have.

So we need to give ourselves what we need. And except the feelings that you are having, and not try to change them or fight them. Just be. And learn from your experiences. Treat your children the way you wish you had been treated. Love them the way you wanted to be loved.

I am sending love and good feelings to you right now.................Did it arrive?

P.S. I won't be attending my parents' funerals either.

She is 87, so I will be facing that funeral decision, too.

What has really helped me to see my disfunctional family of origin for what they really are has been my writing a page a night of my life story. It's amazing how doing so helps to connect all the little things that went on through the years. I find that my emotional health has improved by doing so. You may want to give it a try, yourself. It may help to lift the guilt.

I agree. Writing down your thoughts always seems to help.

Excellent advice. The writing thing helps a lot. Also the idea of writing a letter that won't get sent. Perhaps I'll write one and share it here.

And nuncamo your love arrived. Thank you.

My heart just leaped.

FormerLatterClimber,

I've sat here and read your post several times. My heart absolutely breaks for you and wish that things could've been different in your life. But you should be proud that you've done the healthy thing in getting therapy, breaking the chains of abuse, and preparing a response for your mom. Summer's comments were absolutely spot-on. This is a time for you--not your mother--as your father's daughter. It's a time given to you alone, and it's normal to go through all the searching and questioning. Do not beat yourself up.

I was thinking today about how useless guilt can be. I've lost several members of my family at different times in life, and I spent a great deal of time thinking about all that I wished had been. I know exactly how you feel about that part. It's a normal part of mourning. It's human to feel guilt to some degree, esp. involving parents. It's also human--and in your case justified--to feel relief. Parents are deserving of respect and honor when they respect and honor us. For a while, the guilt-relief may go hand-in-hand or alternate. That's normal, too. It's a tough journey. I wish you hope along the way.

I, like others here, am thinking of you. Hugs.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/29/2012 02:44AM by ducky333.

I'll be dealing with something very similar at some point myself as my own relationship with my father is deeply strained. And I might just show up here for sympathy and support when it does. This board really is a good place (most of the time) for support. :)

Not mourning for the death of the father who was but for the father he could have been and the love he could have given and didn't. A hug from me, too, with your permission. Perhaps some of your relief is not having to account for him in your thoughts and plans from now on. I loved my father and we had a good relationship, and even when he died I felt a little relief in not having to account for what he might think of what I might do or think. I feel guilty saying that and would never say it to my siblings. Parent-child relationships are complicated, more so when they are painful.

All I can offer is my sympathy and this song/video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvVvN0QvzTk

Every innocent child deserves loving parents. You and your sister have made the best of the sad fact that not everyone gets them and you two weren't among them.

I give you my sincere condolences for the loss of the dream that someday you would have his love, somehow.

There is no more futile wish than the desire for a better childhood.

Being the best loving parent you can be is the best you can make out of a tragedy.

Big hugs and arm-around-the-shoulder to you both.

Anagrammy

I'm so sorry that you're going through this situation, FormerLatterClimber. It completely sucks.

"I feel relief, not sadness. And for that I feel guilt."

Given the dynamics of your relationship with your father, that sounds completely normal to me. However, I hope the relief eventually outshines the guilt.

Have a (hug) from me.

My Mom passed away last week. In her last years, I tried to be a comfort to her, and to be a friend. Most of her friends were long gone, so she was lonely. After her best friend/boyfriend died in May, she rapidly declined.

She was never pleased with me, no matter what. She was unable to break her critical and judgmental attitude towards me, right to the end. I realized last year that she just was not able to be simply friendly. To me, friends are on your team, and even if they don't agree with everything you do, they offer good will and a positive vibe. Mom was unable to do this for me. I accepted that, it's OK.

She is a never Mo, and openly disdained LDSCorp.. And yet, she criticized me for leaving it, and for hurting my Mo family members with my choice. Criticized everything I did, and loathed my appearance and style choices. No pleasing that lady, I tell ya.

So yeah, parents don't always become your friends, try as you might to win them. That's life. My Dad was abusive as well, a very dark personality. I too feel some relief that they are not around here any more to hack at my self esteem, or manipulate me with their guilt trips and angers, and their passive aggression.

But I am healing now, and wish them both all the best. It's a relief to let go of the memories of such an unsatisfactory past.
OM Shiv OM
OM Shanti Shanti Shanti

Those of us with traumatic childhoods have wished for what might have been, a Mum or a Dad to love us, and it is so painful when we learn and realize that we can never make them love us.

You have your own worth and intrinisc value and have survived a life I wish you had not had to have but now you are grown and you can bask in the love you have from those who really love you.

I know that doesn't change the fact of never getting a parent's love. I can relate to the relief and yes the guilt you feel. When my mother died I was relieved but my guilt was from the messages of "You are suppose to love your mother" and I didn't love her.

((((BIG HUGS))))

I can say from the bottom of my heart, I love you guys. Such thoughtful deep sentiments and I will be reading them over and over again.

robertb what you said touched exactly on the hurt and validated it.....that all I ever wanted was his approval and love. That desire never goes away even when you realize it won't happen. I wish I could just scoop that part out of my heart so I didn't have to care, not even know that I missed out on something...and whenever I see people with their parents who actually have that love perhaps I would feel nothing instead of the aching envy that tears me apart.

And annagrammy it is so true, I hold onto my daughter so tight. She's a beacon of light in my life and has been the source of my Newfound happiness. I only hope I can bring her the kind of happiness she does me, and she will know and be secure that I love her no matter what - that anomaly called unconditional love - is hers for the keeping.

Itzpapotl that song helped my tears just flow. So beautiful and so perfect for how I feel.
I love you guys. There truly is a deep well of love here. Thanks for listening and sharing. Words cannot express right now.

sorry to hear what you are going through.

this too shall pass away. hang in there.

Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death
they would be asked two questions
and their answers would determine
whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife.
The first question was, "Did you bring joy?"
The second was, "Did you find joy?"-Leo Buscaglia

When neither of these has happened, the legacy created causes so much pain. A new chapter in your life is starting. I hope you and your sister can find peace.

I felt the same when my pedophilic daughter molesting FIL died.
0--blank--nothing but relief.

Formerlatterclimber...you have my full-blown 100% virtual support! ((Hugs)) As a child of a narcissistic parent and a mother who played the victim, I understand your heartache. I haven't talked to my father in years. I know that he is living with lung cancer, but I have no idea how he is doing. My siblings don't talk about him, and I don't ask. I know they zero if very little contact with him too. I am one of 5. We are soldiers in healing! Peace and much love to you. MK

You can take comfort in knowing how incredibly courageous and strong you are; you--and everyone posting here--have broken the chain of generational abuse and dysfunction. YOU are the hope of future generations who will not have to be exposed to the perpetual spirit-destroying actions of these damaged souls. LOVE is the answer--the key, that inner knowing that drives you on, to choose a new path and chart a new course. Your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be able to live richer and more joyful lives because of you, all because you had a change of heart.

And when the time is right, may you find it on your heart to forgive; for your parents have also been abused, and have been carrying and perpetuating this pain for countless generations. You found the courage to change that, to put an end to it and make it right. May you find the peace and happiness you're seeking and so richly deserve. It is your birthright.

*like* :).

You have my deepest sympathies on many levels. I am glad the person who put you through hell is on his way to his hopefully, just reward. My wife was raised by a neglectful, spiteful mother who also died of Alzheimer's. She said just the other day that she doesn't miss her Mom, so I can appreciate your feelings about your parents. I feel for her and love her all the more. I hope you have people who love and respect you. They will sustain you.

Regards,
Ron Burr

I hope you can find peace and closure. My sister is a narcissist, the clinical malicious kind. She also has RA, which complicates things. She has good care, and I haven't talked to her for four years, nor has her daughter.

She was really abusive to me and the entire family. When she dies, I'll breathe a sigh of relief and be glad, and no guilt for feeling that way, she deserves it. I won't attend a service, if anyone bothers to have one (she has a second daughter who does still talk to her).

Some people just don't deserve your time or thoughts.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/29/2012 01:19PM by lostinutah.