Hi Folks,

I'm a guy in my 40s, left the Mo church when I was 30.

Two of my previous girlfriends had major emotional/psychological issues, the 2nd one was BPD and had me under her thumb under the threat of throwing a tantrum, this went on for 18 mos before I was finally able to negotiate a breakup. (BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder -- mood flips on a dime, use emotional manipulation to force family/friends to do stuff, throw tantrums or threaten to throw tantrums)

So, current GF, relationship is very good, except for about 2 days a month. We've been together over a year, would like to get married, but she has serious PMS issues which give me a major throwback to past relationships. Alarm bells go off in my head, read flags are waving. She herself (on the other 29 days of the month) freely admits that PMS is a major issue for her, one she's had to deal with for her entire post-pubescent life.

If she was predictably cranky, I could deal with it. But the thing that freaks me out is that her emotions turn on a dime. Tonight she was over at my place, was planning on spending the night. I gave her a nice piece of jewelry, which she liked, we split a beer, but then one of my housemates came home and three three of us started talking, and that was the end of it. After a couple minutes she walked out, then came back in to fetch me, and said I wasn't being attentive, cried a bit, packed up her stuff and went home.

So here are my two issues, I'm curious as to anyone's thoughts on them:

1) It's the "mood turns on a dime" business that freaks me out. As well as she says her mother was BPD when she was growing up. & there's a few other warning signs (basing life choices on semi-religious beliefs, criticizing an illness of mine as something I brought on myself, perfectionist tendencies). On nights like this I kinda expect it. But on occasion (maybe every 2 months) the same sort of situation crops up unexpectedly at other times.

2) There's no way in heck that I want to walk on eggshells for a significant chunk of my life. & in particular raise kids with someone who might be that way. Are these issues "standard bad PMS?" Or do they represent someone who has serious issues but is pretty good at keeping on top of them.

Since I've been in an extended miserably situation similar to this in the past, I'm concerned that I'm overreacting to typical PMS behavior.

Other than that, it's a fabulous relationship. She doesn't want to have any kids right away, so there's no particular pressure to decide whether to get hitched.

Cheers, RG

Keep a calendar for yourself. You may find two days of eggshell walking is manageable.

Talk to her about it openly, but NOT during PMS time. Wait two weeks. Approach it from a "help me understand" perspective.

I've noticed that often during PMS things get brought up that might be real issues that are kept just below te surface. It's possible she may have issues with not feeling you're attentive enough at other times, but when there is no emotional safety barrier it comes out. During those moments, try not to argue. Just be loving, then wait a few days to see if the issue an be resolved. You may get an apology, or something may be brought to your attention that you didn't know about.

...By the way, if she is approaching menopause, these things may get worse before they get better.

Just my few cents (spoken from a women's point of view-My guy has his hands full as his ex was bi-polar, so I know he's sensitive to mood issues)

Go fishing 2 days a month.

reinventinggrace Wrote:
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> If she was predictably cranky, I could deal with it. But the thing that freaks me out is that her emotions turn on a dime.

I think that you've answered your own question. Her mood swings are going beyond normal PMS periodic crankiness.

The situation that you described with the housemate is ridiculous. If you have housemates then she can't expect you to be attentive solely to her when you're both in the common areas. Think about this -- *she* could have suggested going to your bedroom or some other place where you could be private. But she didn't. She blamed you instead.

Some people like drama in their relationships. This seems to be a pattern for you based on what you've shared with us. There are plenty of easy-going women out there. If you want a drama-free existence, you might want to consider finding one.

I agree.

If this is how she acts now while your dating, imagine how it will be once she's married and comfortable!

By "predictably cranky" I thought he meant that on those two days she's sweet one minute and horrible the next. But you really can't expect to say, "Okay it's the 28th...you've got two days to be mad and then you have to be perky the rest of the month."

I understand that, as a man, you just don't get PMS...hell I HAD it and I didn't understand it.LOL But during those days (and I had mine for a week or so...) and I found that I had NO capability to handle BS. I didn't become "honest" so much as I became "blunt."

The sitcom "Roseanne" had the funniest show I've ever seen on PMS. One minute she's screaming at her husband and canceling their plans and, literally, turns around and sweetly says, "Dan? Do you think I'm pretty?" Then starts making "let's DO it" moves. Hysterical and I think it might put your girlfriend into perspective.

Baggage sucks. We all have it. Don't judge her on your past GF. She MAY be crazy. I agree with other posters that you should discuss this when she's not in those two days.

My husband says that basically he just apologized, said "yes" alot, and told me he loved me when I had PMS. Prevented further tantrums. Hormones can suck.

moonbeam and Docia echo my views, sounds like they have had some experience in this.

I had hormone problems all of my reproductive life. Started very early and continued, there is a name for it .. but I forgot. I was kept on hormone therapy which really helped. My hubby was excellent in that respect ... but yes, I became very blunt. I was able at those times to really identify what was causing my stress. Wind me up and point me at somebody ... and step back, far back.

Further medical investigation will help, but I would NOT suggest it during PMS. I knew there was a problem and embraced getting help for it. That is me.

Truth be told in my case, there was an underlying condition that did not get diagnosed until much later, Asperger's syndrome. It contributed. It was not properly diagnosed until I was thru with menopause. Some things are just not hormones. I knew that .. but had a hard time getting Mental Health assistance due to lack of money. Maybe even the PMS was misdiagnosed, I will never know. Years ago they blamed most everything on "hormones". piss me off

Good Luck, it can be a gamble.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/18/2012 10:22AM by mindlight.

My advice is to read the blog www.shrink4men.com. This is not to say that a woman can't have major hormonal issues that affect their moods, but you may find out that she's masking something else.

When you're married, she'll make you a prisoner and never let you out of her sight.

Hi All,

Thanks for the input.

She stopped by today, twice, wasn't conversational, wouldn't make smalltalk, but asked for me to call her when I was in a frame of mind to be able to be attentive to her concerns.

So, I expect she'll pop out of it on Monday, and be appreciative of me for being patient with her.

The "issue" that comes up is that I forget things I've agreed to do, that I am late arriving to agreed activities. & that's something I've always been challenged with, and I can really focus on it and remember stuff I've agreed to do, etc., but it makes it difficult for me to do other mundane things.

I've worked on it, made some progress, but when she's PMSing she has zero tolerance.

********

Compared to the bipolar GFs of the past (2, long serious relationships) she's nowhere near that level of control or sporadic irrationality. So that makes me less wary and I was less cautious early on. She's generally comfy in her own skin, she has her sh*t together in life, she's happy and confident. & generally isn't near a tipping point, and I'm not walking on eggshells.

But my coping mechanism at times like this is apathy, which is somewhat effective in dealing with short-term situations like this, just because I *will not* let myself fall into the pattern of kowtowing to her "irrational" needs.

Maybe I'll try being "absent" at this time next month, "go fishing" and see how that plays out...

Anyhows, thanks for the feedback.

The other thing is that she is a "magical thinker." Like a religious person, like a Mormon, but more along the lines of "Mercury is in retrograde, so all communication will be f*cked up." And using a little pendulum to help her make decisions. And hoping for a natural cure to come along for her cat who is allergic to fleas and keeps pulling out its fur, and she won't administer any systemic flea killer because she things the toxins are worse than the bites.

Little things like that, that are somewhere between "eccentric" and "crazy."

And reminiscent of religion in a way I don't much like. But, in other ways, kinda like.

Look up PMDD. It's PMS on steroids.

I agree. I used to want to stab my husband because he was breathing too loud. I knew it was irrational but that didn't help, it just pissed me off.

My PMDD is now controlled by hormonal bc pills (prescribed by a mental health professional, not a gyno). That's not the solution for everyone, but it worked for me.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/19/2012 08:33PM by Never Mo In Florida.

I know I get a short fuse but I keep reminding myself of the fact and that helps me. I know a lot of women have been helped with different herbals. That may be something she wants to look in to for her own sake. It is no fun having it!

+1

is the one you give when you ask yourself this question: "Is this working for me?"

My sense is that you wouldn't have brought it up on an internet forum if it wasn't a problem.

Maybe she's got super PMS. Maybe she can't control it. Does that mean you need to accept it as YOUR problem? NO.


I have PMS, too. It's not THAT bad, but I'm more emotional and irritable, than usual. That doesn't give me license to be a b**ch. I'd tell her to fix the behavior (see a doctor if she has to) if she wants to be in your life.

A while back I really started to have PMS problems. I would be doing my day and suddenly go from calm to rage in an instant. The trigger would always be totally minor - I dropped something, a kid whined, I couldn't find something. I would realize I was out of control, talk myself down, figure out a better way to handle the situation, and then 5 minutes later I would be enraged again. I started to think I needed happy drugs or something, but really didn't want them. I did some research on PMS before I went to my ob/gyn and ran into a lot of research about calcium and PMS. It is a bit more complicated, but basically some women are helped with calcium supplementation (and as I remember some vitamin D also...). You might remember a few years ago the milk commercials that showed the men deparately filling their shopping carts with milk to bring to their PMS-ing wives...these came out of that research. Anyway, I figured this could help and would be a good place to start. I supplemented and after about 2 cycles the mood swings were mostly gone and I could manage my response to them if I had one.

Maybe something to look into. Calcium levels and emotions can seem unrelated and far fetched but it really helped me and helped my relationships. Google it. There are many published medical reports substantiated by science.

Good luck to both of you. It isn't easy to deal with moody people. It is also hard to be irrational and moody and feel like you can do nothing about it!

and get hormone therapy at the least.

Moods turning on a dime are not normal PMS. Normal PMS is some physical discomfort and maybe a bit of grouchiness due to that.