I had a storybook when I was a little kid. It was produced during the Cold War to explain how communism was bad. But it was done in allegory without specifically mentioning communism. The normal "people" in the story were shown as happy sphere shaped creatures. The bad guys were angry cubes in uniforms. The cubes rounded up the spheres and shoved them into machines that squeezed them into cubes. Lesson: forced conformity is evil.

Fast forward to my teen years. I became more aware of how The One True Church® was trying to make us all conform -- even though that was supposedly Lucifer's plan. Hmmmmm.

A poster on a recent thread told of being depressed in Provo. But maybe it's more about being squeezed by the predominant local culture. Compression rather than depression.

My mental health sucked on my mission. Conform, conform, CONFORM! And get other people to conform. Round up happy sphere people and and lead them to the Cube-O-Matic. Or you are slothful in the eyes of the Lord.

Things got a little better after my mission. Good thing I went to USU instead of BYU. But I still struggled with self-loathing. The LDS conformity culture is much weaker at USU, but there was still enough to make me feel like my drift into inactivity was sinful. If I had gone to college outside the MoZone, it wouldn't have been an issue.

But when I finished school and moved to California, away from the compressing culture, the "depression" lifted. Oh, I was fine. I was a good person. I was a responsible member of society. Not an enemy of God or slothful servant. I had just been under the influence of the wrong people.

This is why I advocate exmos or those teetering on the wall to get out of Zion. It's really hard to judge reality when you're surrounded by delusional control freaks. You're surrounded by constant pressure. The pressure is still there even if you surrender and conform. You might stop noticing it, but it's there.

I think getting out of the Cube-O-Matic is so important for mental health that it trumps any positives there might be in staying. You'll miss family or skiing or whatever? Not as much as you'll miss your sanity. And, really, do you want to subject your kids to the Cube-O-Matic just so they can see their grandparents more often? Particularly when the grandparents want to shove them into the Cube-O-Matic?

I couldn't see how much I had conformed until I left~ and then it was a huge eye opener.

I've suffered from bouts of depression off and on since I've been married. Having babies, loosing jobs, moving...life in general can be super sucky.

When my husband and I decided to leave the church we desperately tired to find a job anywhere but in our Idaho mormonville, but the recession was nicely underway and we couldn't find anything. So we sucked it up and kept doing what we were doing, only minus the church.

Its been a long 4+ years but so far we've made it. I would have loved to live somewhere else, but it just didn't work out. The ward and its members have completely left us alone and we have found a nice underground of normal people.

I can still feel the compression of Mormonism at times, but the longer we are out, the easier it is to scream back at it.

I thought I suffered from depression even after my move to California. As time passed it became obvious that I would never ever make it out of the Cube-O-Matic in the shape of a decent square. Now I know that my so-called depression was really anger at being squeezed when I was so close to freedom in expressing my true self. Now I see that I was actually compressed.

Good post. Thank you.....

I had to make the best of it living in the Morridor so our kids would grow up with both parents (although we were divorced). I didn't realize, until the moment we crossed the border last year (to accept a new job), how incredibly freer I felt. That "compression" you described was completely lifted for me and my nevermo kids.

I've been back twice during the past year and hated both times. I love, love, love my friends there but have begged them to come visit me instead. The feeling of oppression and compression in Utah drives me insane. Unfortunately, it's easier for me to visit them, but I'm hoping they'll make the effort to get out and hang with me here for a vacation.

I do believe that the Morridor has the power to depress. I've lived here for decades, but I still notice a distinct change when I travel to a happier place.

A couple of weeks ago I spent 5 days in San Diego. It's expensive as crap, a bit crowded, has homeless people on the streets.. it's far from perfect. BUT it still seems somehow more happy and free. People are out running around, having fun and generally being themselves instead of living under the pall of the Morg.

I just felt overall better while I was there.

Not to sound like I'm about to open my own psychic hotline or anything, but it seems like places take on a certain atmosphere or absorb a certain energy from it's past. For example, at Gettysburg, I felt sad and a bit in awe of what had transpired there. Utah was founded on control, fear and relentless hard work with the only hope being found in the next life. I realize many pioneers went through the same sorts of experiences but for them, it was the story of freedom and making their own way in life. For Utah Mormons, it was about submitting themselves to control and in some cases, outrage for the polygamists wives. Can you imagine being a polyg wife in a small cabin in a Utah winter with a number of kids, visualizing your husband with one of his other wives, wondering when he'll show up, hoping you are enough to care for your kids alone with no hope? Or being on the edge of poverty when your husband is commanded to leave on a mission?

Years ago, I went to This it the Place park and saw those cabins there and all that occurred to me. There must have been a lot of despair, mostly from having no control and too much fear. It must have seeped into the land as well as being incorporated in generations of the people who live there today like a legacy. Aside from how modern Mormons feel about the church, I mean.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/26/2012 04:13PM by CA girl.

i think you might be onto something.
negative energy attracts negative energy.
Not woo woo stuff, just science.
Good lard, the suffering of generations =
wont be visiting utah anytime soon....

**except for the exmo conference.

I gave up on the supernatural, but I totally hear you on this. I visited several concentration camps in Europe and the atmosphere was so horrendous it was difficult to breathe. Not everyone I was with felt that, but I certainly couldn't deny my own experience, even if I couldn't explain it (which is ok with me).

I took my nevermo non-american husband on a tour through SLC and Provo, talked about my years at BYU and my long extensive Utah heritage. Very quickly we both felt a real oppressive atmosphere around us, especially at BYU. I of course had felt this before on previous forced visits to TBM family members. It just struck me how both of us felt it and talked about it, and we couldn't wait to get the f* out of the state. The little voice in my head saying, 'run away, run away' never stops while I'm in Utah, at least the people areas, not the parks. Never. And its more than just a voice. Its this weight, this compression, the almost PTSD memories being there brings back in my body, not just my mind. Shudder.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/26/2012 04:35PM by popolvuh.

so true.

Maybe that's why San Diego seems a bit less under a cloud. It's history shows sort of a free-for-all mercantile origin, not dominated by religion.

I don't think it's necessary to move, but it is important to surround yourself with normal people. There are many to be found, even in Zion. For me it happened naturally, moving back to Salt Lake and blowing off the church after my wasted year at Ricks. I admit that my parents reverting to inactivity at the same time made it much easier, and I lucked into a career full of normal people, but I still think it's possible. You just have to go out and find the normal people.

I really love this post!

I am definitely compressed! I've never fit the mold and it's hard to deal with. I think I'm going to be in this depressed state until I am able to get out of my parent's house (the cube-o-matic).