Wife and I have been out for years. After 20 some years of marriage we are having serious partner fatigue.

The subject of open marriage keeps coming up. But I think I would be uncomfortable with it. Honestly because of my jealously. Both of us beleive that people could wander if they could.

Just looking for advice from those who have or know those who have.

I think Open marriages are a possibility for some, but not all are cut out for it.

Humans were not meant to be monagamous. Romantic love was an invention of the Victorian age.

Good luck. You are not a bad person for having this discussion with your wife. You are enlightened. :)

My husband and I have an open marriage. The keys to having a successful open marriage are communication, communication, communication. If you can't talk about everything, including parameters and behaviors with other partners, don't open the marriage.

Hope this helps.

Librarykim

As a gay man, I've seen several couples try open relationships. It really is just the first stage of breaking up. Once you and your partner start dating other people, you are putting a wedge in your already cracked marriage. How are you going to feel when your wife comes home and announces she is in love with a guy she has been seeing, or how will she feel when you find another women to replace her?

Try marriage counseling and see if you still love each other, or break up. Open relationships are just a half-way house to divorce.

This has been my observation, as well.

The only time I've seen open marriages work is when that was the deal from the beginning.

I think there is far more to consider than the expectation that one person can fulfill all my sexual needs forever.

Some people can do multiple relationships, some can't. Some people think sex is just sex and others think it has a more intimate connection. It's not about one person fulfilling your sexual needs (or any particular needs) it's about figuring out what is important and what you are willing to do or not do about it. (you in the general, not you personally)

Is sex really at the top of your list, the only thing? Then you are likely doomed since sex fades with age for most. If that is your intimacy connection, your intimacy will also go away.

IF sex is NOT the only thing you are looking for, what are the others? I have a long list of things I am looking for, honesty, supportive, compatible, sense of humor, emotional intimacy.... The list goes on. You? If you have a similar list and are willing to throw all that away because of sex, then the ONLY thing really important to you is sex. That is why some can't have an open relationship, because they make sex the priority in the relationship.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2012 10:01AM by MJ.

I was making a general comment that individuals have to prioritize their own ideals. That's it.

But if you really are such an expert that you really can speak for people other than your self (a rare gift indeed), then you should be able to address my points on behalf all or part of humanity.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2012 10:05AM by MJ.

As I already stated, people make their own priorities.

Why are you dodging that question? Why is it that you can speak on behalf of others but NOT FOR YOURSELF?

Yes, people set their own priorities, but I do not hide behind statements like that. Neither of us can address WHY they set those priorities, that is why I am asking you to answer for the ONLY PERSON YOU CAN SPEAK ON BEHALF OF.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2012 10:12AM by MJ.

Dude, you need to get some therapy.

No, you need to give up your control freak ways.

to answer your personal question... no one here has a right to demand personal information from a board member...he spoke in generalities and what he wrote seemed innocuous enough to me...and yet you wanna take it personal...is nvrmo your "target" for the day?

Mj you also said:
"That is why some can't have an open relationship, because they make sex the priority in the relationship."

some people CAN have an open relationship, BECAUSE they make sex a priority in a relationship. That is the reason for swinging...for more intimate partners to explore...if sex is not very central to a relationship..the need for more partners is more than likely reduced...thus not as much need for swinging...and to others that think that swinging is a mostly gay thing? Not hardly...you would be surprised at how many people swing! as in straight couples...
just sayin!

Give me a f'n break. Everyone here has the right to repeatedly ask questions. But NOOOOOO, B has to be all controlling and insist that asking clarifications is a BAD thing.

And I agree, making sex a priority can do BOTH, make it impossible to have an open relation ship and possible to have an open relationship. The point you made regarding my quote is NOT EXCLUDED BY WHAT I SAID IN WHAT YOU QUITED.

Why is it that in so many posts you seem pathetically desperate to find fault with me and FAIL?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2012 03:46PM by MJ.

Why is this more common among gays? Or is it?

A lot of gay men marry women because they feel they have no other choice and don't want to be alone. These marriages are often empty, but when he finally comes out he doesn't want to hurt her, so they try an open marriage.

Seems it usually falls apart---like others said, the reason for an open marriage is incompatability, and opening the marriage doesn't change that.

If only one of you is suggesting an open marriage then it looks like they probably have their eye on someone else already.

Time for fight or flight...

I know of one gay couple that's been together something like 15 years or so that are in an open marriage. They love each other completely and are devoted to each other, but they also realize that once in a while they like to "fool around" a bit (for lack of a better term) and they're both comfortable with it. For them it's worked.

I also know of some couples who are "polyamorous." I don't know if that's the same thing, so I won't say anymore about it.

My parents tried that--sure as hell didn't help me when my Mom found a Mormon guy to sleep with and then we joined the church--now here I am at exmo!

What a story. Life really takes some funny turns. Well, maybe 'funny' isn't the right word this time.

You could check out mw4mw at Craigslist or swingular.com

Even if you aren't interested in open marriage, it's interesting to see all the Utah couples at Swingular

Rose Park Ranger Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You could check out mw4mw at Craigslist or
> swingular.com
>
> Even if you aren't interested in open marriage,
> it's interesting to see all the Utah couples at
> Swingular

Joseph Smith tried to get William Law and his wife, Jane, to swap! Even received some BS revelation. http://mormonthink.com/grant7.htm

Your jealousy will cause a lot of issues. Until you can work through that, my advice, don't do it. When you can get to a place where you are happy your spouse had a good time, you are there.
When you can get there, as librarykim2 stated, communication is important. Also, it is important that your relationship continue to be number one with your spouse.

"But I think I would be uncomfortable with it."

I think this answers your question.

My marriage was an open one, and no it didn't end because of that. I know plenty of people who made it work and some are still married to this day. (I'm a woman if that makes any difference.)

The main things to keep in mind are have complete and open honesty, set some ground rules, and get partners and yourself tested frequently, and keep your spouse your #1. The minute one spouse starts to feel upset and jealous, it's probably time to take a break from swinging. If a partner is the jealous type, it NEVER works.

Like I've said before, some people are not wired for monogamy. Don't feel like you have to be forced into something. You have a voice in the marriage as well.

Well-said.

I don't think it can work. Maybe there are some retired hippies who make it work, with lots of poetry and marijuana. But for us regular folks, well, it is like polygamy. Sounds fun, but just doesn't work when the rubber hits the road.

Try serial monogamy. Marry, divorce, marry, or live together, break up, live together. It seems to work for many people...

I've been partnered now married with the same guy for 17 years and it is open. That of course evolved with time and it takes lots of conversation about the rules. This seems to be very common among gay male couples that last a long time. But I do think it has to do with being men, rather than being gay. Men and women are usually socialized so differently that a mixed gender couple has a lot of built in disadvantages that usually have to be overcome. At least that has been my impression from my job counseling people who are learning how to talk about open relationships.

I have to say it is quite comforting to know that I'm not expected to fulfill another person's needs for sex and affection all on my own. That can be quite a burden. My spouse feels the same way. After 17 years, sexual jealousy just doesn't even factor in. Its fun to come home with a good encounter story or our latest infatuation. Flirting is fun, the tingles of romance are fun, teasing each other about them is fun.

Even when it comes to love, I don't think the idea that it should be exlusive is necessary. I love each person in my life that I love in a different way. It isn't one single pie that I have to split up, so that if one person gets a bigger piece, that means less for everybody else. It is a great support to my marriage that we both have other people we care about a lot.

Ranking DOES count. I'm always #1 for my spouse, and he is #1 for me. No negotiation on that.

What really makes it work are the rules that the two people or however many it is create for themselves. There is no scheme that works for everybody. But yeah, take it slow. It has to work for everybody involved and that takes some time to figure out.

Here is a great read about the evolution of our human sexuality and a challenge to those who say that we are monogamous by nature.

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2012 01:09PM by popolvuh.

For those who have open marriages, I'm curious, what is the point? I'm really not saying this to be snotty, but what is the reasoning for staying married, but being with other people? Why not just not be married? I'm just trying to get into the head of someone that has done this successfully.

"The only time I've seen open marriages work is when that was the deal from the beginning."
I've seen a marriage where that was the deal from the very beginning and it did NOT work.

From other couples in open marriages that I've known, the key is open communication and honesty. Although it all seems to be a rather slippery slope. The one where it didn't work was because SHE stopped communicating and the trust eroded.

But here's the thing, and I have been married for 10 years (having sex together for 12), isn't there some satisfaction and personal gratification and even somewhat of a turn on in the fact of being faithful only to each other for such a long time. It's such a hurdle to overcome to forsake others for each other only.

Here's the other thing, people comment that it does not work if there is jealousy. Now, I know there's a difference between healthy and unhealthy jealousy. But, if you really love your spouse and desire them, won't there always be some amount of jealousy if they are sexually intimate with another person?

elcid: can you expand on that idea of "serial monogamy"? Have you really known couples who do this?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2012 03:39PM by dogeatdog.

dogeatdog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> elcid: can you expand on that idea of "serial
> monogamy"? Have you really known couples who do
> this?

"Serial monogamy" is (and has been) the most prevalent American relationship form (outside of "cheating").

"Serial monogamy" means that you marry, presumably stay monogamous during the marriage, divorce (or one partner dies)...find a new partner, marry, presumably stay monogamous during the marriage, divorce (or newer partner dies)...and on and on.

It is, in fact, the RECOMMENDED American relationship form by a large number of religious and/or conservative people. It is CONSTANTLY getting recommended to those who are "cheating": "Just get divorced, and THEN remarry."

And it's been the recommended-by-"authorities-and-the-usual-"general public"-American relationship form for at least the past hundred years (going back to 1912, which is JUST before "everything" in marital American life began to change forever).

Serial monogamy means having lots of short-term relationships. Date someone for a couple years, then the next, then the next.

So there would never be a "couple" who does this.