Hi all. Im new to this board and posting for support and advice for trying to leave the church.I have disagreed with a lot of the church's positions for a long time but I was always convinced to continue going to church, do makeup for my missed year of seminary etc.

Im sure it will not surprise many of you that I am recently 19 years old and was faced with the decision of going on a mission. It had always been my plan to go even if I didnt want to so I could make everyone happy and live the "ideal" mormon life. That plan changed a few months ago after almost a year of worrying and internal debate.

I realized that at the very least, it would be dishonest for me (or anyone) to preach the Mormon gospel while not believing it myself. I have never really had a high opinion of "missionary work" in the first place especially after i found out how little most mormons actually knew about their own religion. I eventually told my parents, which was very difficult for me, and then made plans to attend college out of state. All things considered, they took the news pretty graciously especially my father who admitted that he only went on a mission so he could marry my mom.

For the most part, i kept these plans quiet except for my family and a few close friends in order to avoid the inevitable lectures and "exhorting" that would follow. It took several meetings and a confirmation from my mother to convince the bishop that I was actually going to leave and thus needed to be released from my hellish primary calling. He, like so many others including my grandfather and a former young mens leader( who is currently texting me, telling my I have had my brains scrambled) would not accept my views as anything other than childish floundering, satanic influence, or anxiety about serving a mission.

At the current time, I am living with my grandparents( on my dads side) in another state using the money I saved to attend college later this month, My grandpa is a lifetime atheist and my grandmother has confided that she only goes the mormon church to be with her friends. I have stopped going to church, have refused meetings with the bishopric and elders quorum and just started attending a UU church which aligns perfectly with what I believe.

All of these things, along with my research on the internet regarding mormon history, doctrine, and practices previously unknown to me, have convinced me to leave the church permanently. Unfortunately, I have not worked up the courage to tell my parents or make it offocial. Could anyone give some tips on how to do so? I apologize for the huge essay, but I have nobody I can completely vent to without offending somehow. Haha i wish I could have written that easily in school.

Be proud of yourself. You did your homework while you were young and figured it out.

I'm glad you have grandparents who are not pushing you to do the mission and church thing.

Enjoy your college experience. Work hard and live well.

You dodged a bullet. The hard part now is waiting for your parents to adjust to their apostate kid. They will feel like they failed. Thank them for teaching you to be independent and able to follow your own conscience.

Welcome!

I'm glad that wisdom and integrity are showing themselves within the "younger" generations.

I wish I had thought as you do when I was your age.

Impressive. At your young age, you managed to figure out TSCC is not what it claims to be and you acted as your intellect and conscience dictate. You are being true to yourself and that's huge.

Yes, your parents will probably feel like they've failed, but you are not responsible for their feelings. You're only responsible for YOU. I like what dagny said about thanking them for teaching you to follow your own conscience. And as ragingphoenix said, you're showing the wisdom & integrity of the younger generation.

Wow. I'm proud of you!

If I could only take back the clock about 10 years and be in your shoes. I envy you because now I am MARRIED and have a CHILD which makes things MUCH more complicated! You are lucky that you were able to reason through your own conditioning. Took me a bit longer.

Thanks to everyone who has posted so far. The comments have been very reassuring which is something I desperately need at the moment.It is nice to have some people who appreciate how difficult this process is. Afterall, most mormons would say im taking the easy way out.Dagny, that is a great suggestion and it is absolutely the case. There are some other problems I have to address though. First, I constantly encounter the concept that my choices have come from a need to justify my sins. I don't know how to dodge this particular bullet. I think its probably just how they rationalize my leaving in a way that preserves the perfect standing of the church in their minds. Is that the case? Second, how do I obtain my records from the church? Im sure they will still keep me on record, but i would like to see what they have on me. Third, what is a tasteful way to make my leaving public? Would it be considered tacky to post something like that on facebook or even just change my religious views section to UU. Im sick of having to explain myself over and over again about not going on a mission, Lastly, has anybody actually been able to present evidence for the church being false to a believing mormon, even if its from church aprroved literature, without said mormon going into a lecture about how historical facts about the church are false, that I must have been reading "satanic anti-mormon filth", or some obscure justification of past and present misdeeds of the church. In short, in your experience, has a mormon ever admitted fault of the church on any issues? Thanks again for your wonderful input and suppot.

1. The morg won't give you your records.

2. Adults do not have to justify their religious views to anyone.
In fact, religion rarely comes up among normal Americans.
Belief or non-belief is a private matter.

3. You do not owe deluded Mormons any explanations whatsoever.

4. You can post whatever you want on your Facebook, UU is not a bad idea.
If anyone calls you on it, simply tell them to eff off.

5. Get over the idea that you owe Obedience to any religous leaders.

Even if you are sinning, it's nobody's business. It doesn't matter, and has nothing to do with you leaving. You have doctrinal issues, period.

In reply to turnonthelights, I am sorry. I truly cannot imagine what that must be like, Im having a hard enough time even though mine really is for the most part a best case scenario as far as leaving the church goes. It is interesting that you use the term conditioning. That sums it up nicely. It has been very disturbing to me to realize how involved the church is in brainwashing. Whats worse is that most mormons don't know they are doing it. Like I mentioned earlier, I was "called" to work in primary for a couple months and I was apalled to see how it all starts. Toddlers chanting in unison, repeating after their teachers. Ideas and phrases planted in their minds before they can even understand the meaning. Positive and negative reinforcement. it was like watching animals being trained. I can't even stomach the fact that I went through that as a child now. We all did, my friends, my parents, etc. Luckily for me, I have always been too curious for my own good.

If I understand the situation correctly, you have told your parents that you don't plan to go on a mission, but you are now concerned with how to tell them that you are in the process of permanently leaving the church. Well, it sounds as if they took the news about not serving a mission pretty well. That indicates that their reaction to you leaving the church may not be too terrible. It might be a good idea to let the news about the mission "sink in" for a while before hitting them with the news about leaving the church. Also, since your dad had the more favorable reaction, you could consider telling him first and then maybe asking his advice on breaking the news to your mom. No matter how/when you tell them and no matter what their reaction is, you are doing the right thing and you are not alone. Best wishes to you!

Basically there are three approaches to breaking the news. (Or not.) The first is the "rip the bandaid off" approach. The second is to do it far more slowly, usually starting off by saying that you have doubts. The third is to quietly go inactive and to dodge the issue as far as you can.

Rook, it appears that the first approach might be the way to go for you. Your parents reacted relatively well to the news that you are not going on a mission. Your grandparents are religiously tolerant. You are attending a UU church with their knowledge.

I would tell your parents and other close family members before posting on FB.

I would add a caveat that some parents disown children who come bearing bad news about the church. It doesn't sound like your parents would do this, but beware.

Look.
The Book of Mormon is a crock and so is the entire Mormon "church".

DNA has already shown that the American Indians are NOT of Hebrew descend.
They originated in Asia. And the Polynesians came from Taiwan.

Very wisely, you have alreadyy distanced yourself from the Mormon nonsense.

Now to to college, enjoy your life, and make new friends.
You are an adult.
There is no need to explain you no-belief to anyone, not even your parents.

You're an adult and therefore can write a resignation letter to send to Salt Lake.

Do what YOU want to do.. If you are ready to tell your parents then tell them, if you want to live in quiet apostasy, then live in quiet apostasy... If you are ready to resign then just do it.. but don't feel bad if you don't resign yet. Everything needs to happen on YOUR timetable. There's nothing wrong with living life as an "inactive" for a few years if that's what you want to do. When you're ready to come out, you don't have to offer any explaination at all. What I have told people is: "after many months and even years of prayer and scripture study, I have reached the conclusion that I have too many doctrinal issues with the church." If they press me for further details I say, "If you are questioning, I'll discuss it with you, but I'm hesitant to do so because I know you are happy with the church and I don't want to say anything that might be damaging to your testimony" This really sets me up as someone who is not a threat and is not actively an "anti". Also if they start getting upset by anything I tell them, I can say " See this is why I didn't want to discuss with you, I can tell the things I'm saying are upsetting to you. Let's change the subject"

Whatever you do, when you're ready to tell your parents, don't approach it with an attitude of being apologetic. Of course you will be sympathetic to your parents because they may feel hurt that you are rejecting their beliefs and you'll sympathize with them, but don't let them try to make you feel that it's YOUR fault. It's Joseph Smith's fault!!!! Whatever you decide to do, just continue to be a fabulous person.

"As Shakespeare very aptly makes one of his characters,
Polonius, say to his son Laertes: 'This above all, to thine own
self be true, and it shall follow as the night the day, thou
canst not then be false to any man.'"
-Presiding Bishop Sylvester Q. Cannon, General Conference, Oct. 1934


" Loyalty to oneself and to the principles he believes to be
true, is a noble virtue.

"In Shakespeare's Hamlet is expressed this impressive thought:
'To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the
day, Thou canst not then be false to any man....'"
--Assistant to the Twelve Henry D. Taylor, General Conference, Oct. 1959


"A person living a wholesome, clean life . . . must remain
firm, steadfast, and unwavering in the decisions he has made
and considers to be right, if he would have peace within
himself and be loyal to himself. The wise man Shakespeare
expressed the thought in these words:

'To thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.'"
--Assistant to the Twelve Henry D. Taylor, General Conference, Apr. 1967


"Insofar as loyalty to oneself is concerned, the great poet
Shakespeare gave some sage advice when he said, "This above
all: to thine own self be true, And if must follow, as the
night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."
-Assistant to the Twelve Franklin D. Richards, General Conference, Apr. 1969


"Shakespeare had a glimpse of the importance of man's personal
action when he wrote the following lines in Hamlet: 'This
above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as
the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.'"
--Apostle Marvin J. Ashton, General Conference, Oct. 1970


"In thinking of honesty, we may first think of our relations
with others, but in many respects it is more important to be
honest with ourselves.

"In the play Hamlet, Shakespeare has his character Polonius
saying to his son Laertes, 'This above all: to thine own self
be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst
not then be false to any man.' (Act 1, sc. 3.)

"When one accepts the standard of being honest with himself
and commits himself to this end, he has made a tremendous step
toward happiness and success."
--Assistant to the Twelve Franklin D. Richards, General Conference, Oct. 1970



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2012 11:08AM by baura.

You're taking things out of context. I don't know that we teach that. It's more of a couplet. The lard tells us not to dwell on these things. It shall be revealed to us in the next life. That's not necessary for your salivation. Satan fills us with doubt when we dwell on things like logic and facts - just let the spirit(TM) guide you and all will be well. Oh look! Over there - is that a crockpot full of funeral potatoes? Mmm!!

You are all aboslutely right. I guess its a side-effect of being in the church that I feel I have to justify my choices. baura, those would be excellent quotes to cite, thank you. I have always admired Shakespeare. summer, I think I probably wil tell my dad first. I also think I will go with the bandaid approach. Again, thanks to everyone who posted for their input.

I'm confused. You've moved away and are not attending Mormon services, yet you say everyone wants to know what you are doing and why you are not on a mission.

How are you in contact with these people who demand information about you? Is it on Facebook?

It sounds like you might need to get off the computer and go interact with your new environment at school instead. It's time to focus on building your future life and finding new friends who don't know or care that you were Mormon.

One subtle thing about Mormon culture is that it conditions us not to have strong personal boundaries. If someone asks, we thing we should answer. We are taught to tell our parents every little thing.

In real life, people keep a lot more to themselves at a personal level. We build personal boundaries and are put off by people we don't know well who pry. We owe them nothing.

As you become an adult now, it's time to stop telling your parents so much about the details of your inner life. You are enjoying UU now, but that could change. Do you want to share every small choice with them? It's up to you, but it's something to be aware of as you grow up and move out. Keeping information to yourself and making your own decisions in private is a way of building your confidence and moving on.

Rook14 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> He, like so many others
> including my grandfather and a former young mens
> leader( who is currently texting me, telling my I
> have had my brains scrambled) would not accept my
> views as anything other than childish floundering,
> satanic influence, or anxiety about serving a
> mission.

Isn't it interesting that an 8-year old is considered to have the maturity to decide to be baptized and commit themselves to the Church for the rest of their life, but a 19-year old is not considered mature enough to decide to leave the Church?

> At the current time, I am living with my
> grandparents( on my dads side) in another state
> using the money I saved to attend college later
> this month, My grandpa is a lifetime atheist and
> my grandmother has confided that she only goes the
> mormon church to be with her friends. I have
> stopped going to church, have refused meetings
> with the bishopric and elders quorum and just
> started attending a UU church which aligns
> perfectly with what I believe.

It seems to me that you've done it. All it should take is to stop participating. If you decline to meet with the bish or EQP what can they do--kidnap you?

By the way, actually JOINING the UU church would be grounds for excommunication. If you'd rather not be excommunicated you can resign your membership. Often just the threat to resign your membership can stop the harassment.

Look in the mirror each morning and say out loud : "I do not owe anyone any explanations".

Then drop the obsession with needing to "tell".

Your father does not need to know anything, neither does anyone else.

Now move on with your new life.

Believe me, I am not obsessed with telling anybody about my personal life. In fact, the reason people keep asking about my plans for a mission is because I mostly kept it to myself that I wasnt going. I also moved away fairly quietly and most people in my ward did not know I was leaving. In response to heresy, no I have generally little contact with people over facebook as I generally find it a distasteful way to communicate.

The moment I moved in with my grandparents, people from both the family and college wards have been contacting me constantly over the phone or have been dropping in and asking to meet with me etc. Also I have no shortage of mormon friends who have no idea what is going on and ask me by text or in person(I am currently visiting my family in Idaho, hence the problems with former ward members) whether I have turned in my papers. So, yes when my parents say "have you been going to the college ward" or "are you going to church with us" and i answer no, you can see how the next logical question for them would be why. I have for the most part, dodged around the issue the whole time as many of you are suggesting, but my point in wanting to resign somewhat publicly is so that I can be left in peace to live as I please without having to shoo away the pesky mormons.

My uncle on my dads side left the church almsot 40 years ago ( by simply becoming permanently inactive) and to this day a variety of mormons contact my grandma looking for a way to get a hold of him or find out where he lives. I don't want to have to deal with that. I don't plan on explaining myself to anyone beyond saying "no I am no longer with the church" or something to that effect. Hopefully that explains things a bit more thoroughly. Sorry for the confusion. I was tired and angry when i wrote the posts last night.

Oh also in response to heresy, I am very involved with my new life. I have joined numerous clubs, gone on a few dates etc. But I guess that would be another example of telling a complete stranger personal deatils of my life huh? Its amazing how well they "conditioned" me afterall. baura, I completely agree with your first statement and you made very good points. Leah, nice and to the point. I like it. Ok thats all the info, I needed. Thanks again everyone.

A couple more thoughts on this.

I am much older than you but I went through the same invasive comments from family and friends. They were always asking what church job I had, etc. I lived in Idaho Falls until recently so I know the awkwardness of living around Mormons when you leave the church.

Consider the need they have to villainize anyone or anything that threatens their world view. You said above:

"First, I constantly encounter the concept that my choices have come from a need to justify my sins. I don't know how to dodge this particular bullet. I think its probably just how they rationalize my leaving in a way that preserves the perfect standing of the church in their minds. Is that the case?"

Yes, that is the case. Sadly, it is more important that they protect their church than do the mental gymnastics to accept that you are a good person with good judgment. You will hear over and over that you must have been offended or left because you couldn't keep their standards.

Here are a few lines I've learned to use when I need to make a stand:

"I'm glad you are happy with the uniform and controlled life course the church provides for you. However, that is not my idea of an authentic life for me. The church does not meet my standards for what I expect from my life. Promises of an afterlife, requiring obedience and faith, is not how a God I could believe in would operate. I do not agree that a prophet knows any more about a god than anyone else. I consider religion to be private and not a group consensus."

If you say something like that, it makes them very uncomfortable and generally they will distance themselves.

Be prepared to be "the bad guy" because they have to justify why you left. Learn not to worry about what they think. It's THEIR problem, not yours.

My family thinks I am elusive, eccentric, and really busy. They don't ask me directly about religion now. To be honest, the people I relate to most are not my relatives. I don't try to make them like me and don't feel the need to spend a lot of time with them.

I've only been out 2 months maybe, but the hardest thing for me so far has been to continually remind myself that the church is false and has no bearing on reality. Since all they taught is false, there is no reason to adhere to any doctrine, principles, etc and like has been said, authorities. They have none.

Congrats, I'm probably only 8 years senior to you but I too envy you being so young.

Tell no one. Justification of beliefs is a leftover from the conditioning of the church.

Resign.

If anyone including family brings your resignation into question then remind them of the 11th article of faith. Right up front state it will not be discussed period. If your parents want to question your decision then say "You and mom taught me that telling the truth and integrity is paramount. I am sticking with that"

Otherwise success and happiness is the best evidence that your decisions were sound for you and all else.

I felt instantly relieved when I mailed my resignation letter. I told my spouse after I mailed it and became non Mormon instantly and without permission. I did this because I reached a point where it was absolutely abhorrent and intolerable to consider myself Mormon for one more hour. I couldn't take it for another minute. That is how it was for me. I was willing to lose everyone I loved because I just couldn't do it anymore.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/09/2012 02:52PM by suckafoo.

welcome to the board! im glad your parents took the news of you not wanting to be apart of the church well. get a good education and live your life. were glad to have you here :)

To shake off the pestering YM leader, try texting back: "Alright, you got me. Its true. Brains scrambled. I like smoking pole now. Wanna date?"

That should send him running in the opposite direction shrieking all the way past the county line.