So after the initial shock and freak out, things have been more or less normal between my mom and me since I told her about my husband and I leaving the church. A snide comment here and there, but lately nothing.

Then today happened. She called and asked me if my husband would be willing to give her a blessing tomorrow when she comes to watch our son while we are at work.

I was so taken a back, all I said was that I guess she would have to ask him. She chatted on again like normal and then we hung up like usual.

Of course I thought of a thousand things to say as soon as she hung up the phone. I am surprised by how upset I am. I thought that things were okay between us, that she accepted me more or less even though I left the church. Now I think there is some kind of crazy denial thing going on. I don't know. I am very upset, frustrated and, well... sad. How do I handle this? Why am I so torn up about this stupid request?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/09/2012 10:31PM by suzanne.

I am assuming by this that your hiusband is with you on the church issue and that your mother has been informed of this.. If not, you need to tell her or have him tell her. Sorry, I haven't read all of your posts.

Yes! I told her we both left. I'm sorry, that should have been more clear.

Warn him ahead of time so he won't be taken unaware. If I were him, I would just repeat that he can't give her a blessing because he isn't a member and would she like to call someone else?

That is the plan... but why would she ask him? Why would she bring this up in such a weird way?

WHY AM I SO UPSET?

She is probably hoping against hope that he will feel the spirit or something. Maybe she hopes he is just going along with you. I can see why it would bother you, but at least things are better than they were when you weren't talking. I'd just be calm and stand your ground.

That is just the thing though... this is going to start the whole not talking thing again. I can't stand it. I can't stand being made to feel like a bad wife, daughter and mother by her all the time just because I no longer believe. Why do I suddenly lose all value because I don't go to church? Why do I become this monster?

I just don't think I have it in me to go through this all over again.

Maybe not if he is gentle with her. At any rate, she will get it eventually and accept that you are through.

a literal LOL!

I'm sorry Suzanne. It's probably OK for it to just hurt and be upsetting. I guess the one thought is that things with your Mom are at least better than they looked like they would be at one point.

Maybe. But this to me is like starting this process with her all over again. What the hell? I feel like all of the crap I have been through this summer is all for nothing. It meant nothing.

What was the point? And when he refuses to give her that blessing, it is going to start all over.

I'm tired.

You are likely right.

Can you circumvent it by saying something like - hubby doesn't feel worthy to give you the blessing, can you find someone else?

The one thing I try to tell myself is to try not to worry about what might happen. Worrying about all the things that might happen is almost always worse than whatever really happens.

It might start every over and it might not. Worrying now that it might start it over won't make it any easier if it does. If it does you will get through it even though it will suck. Easier said than done to not worry about it.

bc Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Can you circumvent it by saying something like -
> hubby doesn't feel worthy to give you the
> blessing, can you find someone else?

I would absolutely NOT say this. He doesn't feel "worthy"? That's sick. It's THEIR terms, and it's admitting that the church is something to aspire to and that your husband just isn't good enough to do it. "Doesn't feel comfortable", sure. But "doesn't feel worthy"? That's just wrong.

My momma also has early-onset dementia re: my non-mormonism. Tell her you will pray w/her. Prayer can be about speaking to the universe, clarifying your wishes/goals... and that is a blessing. I HATE the stupid blessing thing, they are off the mark consistently, and you have to pretend they came true in some way. Ugh!

You feel like you weren't heard. You feel invalidated and disrespected.

You thought you had taken care of this, only to find you were ignored.

That would make anyone feel a little crazy. Just so you know, it's not you. You're not losing it. You're not imagining things.

You told her (not easy), you made it clear. You thought you had crossed that bridge. With a sigh of relief you moved on.

Your mother did not. She doesn't want to believe what she heard. She's going to pretend like she never heard that. She's hoping you and hubby will pretend like you never said that.

You will probably have to repeat your whole exit speech to her, AGAIN. Maybe several times. She's not accepting that you meant what you said. You will need to make sure that your actions match your words. You left, you're not going to pretend you didn't. Non members don't give mormons blessings. She will need to call her Ht or bish for that. Love you mom. Hope they give you the blessing you need.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I think it happens to quite a few who leave.

Yes! Exactly how I feel! How can she just pretend? What kind of crazy is that?

How do I make this go down both more easily and more... clearly?

She is probably hoping you didn't really mean it or that you will change your mind. You will have to be firm and gentle with her. She will probably always hope you will come back, but she will have to accept the fact that she can't change it by playing games like this.

So it IS a game, right? Some kind of weird game? How do I... beat her at this stupid game?

There is probably some denial involved too. I think you will just have to be firm and gentle with her. Mom, you know we left the church. We can't give you a blessing. I know it is hard for you, but that is the way it is. We love you. Can we call someone else to do it for you? If you still believe in God, perhaps you could offer to pray with her. That might help some. It will probably take some time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/09/2012 11:38PM by bona dea.

Just so you know, it's not YOUR crazy. You are just fine!

You are going to have to stand firm. Repeat what you told her. Try to be kind, and make sure she understands it's not her you are rejecting. It's Joseph SMith. It can be difficult for mormons to separate the two.

I don't know if there is a way to make it go down easy. I don't know that it's a game either. She just doesn't want to hear what she heard.

She has no choice in the matter. She has to hear it on some level. She's testing the water by asking for a blessing. I would give her some suggestions as to where she can go to get a blessing, and make it clear that your DH won't be involved. It's going to be hard.

This is why RFM exists, and why it's so important to be able to come here and work this stuff out. You are not alone. If it wasn't for the internet we would all feel so alone. We would think there was something wrong with us. I think that's why the church has been able to progress like it has. I think the internet is going to change that. We are not alone. We are not imagining this stuff. We have been twisted, and controlled by some of the most devious minds. Those days are over. We are putting an end to their power over us. It's so heart breaking that we can't always bring those we love along with us.

How old is your son ?

He may not be safe with her if your mother has emotional/mental problems.

I'm going to take a stab at the answer: that's the way things have always worked in your family?

I know what it's like to come from a family where people don't respect appropriate boundaries. The "bad guy" is the person who says "no", even when it's perfectly reasonable to do so.

Look, it's NOT your duty to smooth this over. You drew a line, and she chooses to repeatedly try to cross it. SHE'S the one with the problem, so YOU dont' need to feel guilty for it.

Try to keep calm, re-inform her of you and your husband's religious views. Redraw the boundaries, as calmly, kindly or firmly as you choose, and let her choose her own reaction.

How about "Mom, you caught me off-guard with your request for a blessing yesterday. I didn't know how to respond, because I didn't want to have to cover the same ground that we've struggled over already. But as [your husband] no longer believes, he doesn't feel right about doing that."

Your mother can easily ask her home teacher, her bishop, or any other priesthood holder to bless her. As they supposedly speak for God, it shouldnt matter WHO gives the blessing, if they are giving it through inspiration. In fact, it seems to me that if God had a mind to bless her, that your mother herself ought to be able to ask God for the blessings she seeks. Taking it a step further, if God intends to bless her, why the heck would he need a mortal to advise him on the proper blessings to bestow? Seems a bit presumptuous to me.

I would definitely try NOT to show how hard it is for you to say no. Act strong, or she'll keep trying to wear you down.

Agreed. If you aren't frm this will go on much longer. It may be unpleasant in the short run, but you need to be firm.

That is well said... I was caught off guard big time! And you are right... this is totally a pattern in our relationship, actually with my mom's relationship with everyone. You can't say no or change the status quo, or you are the bad guy.

I'm not good at firm... but I will try to be firm.

If you can't be firm, be persistent. Repeat your stance over and over like a broken record.

I would think that mormons understand repetition. It's what the leaders do to the members to drive a belief home.

I think this is an excellent point. As you cite being tired and not wanting to do this again at some point you have to ask yourself what this relationship with your Mom is worth to you.

Suzanne, I've seen how smart you are in your other posts - you'll figure this out.

You have already begun to grieve the loss of this relationship - knowing it will never quite be the same ever again. At some point when you know exactly what it means and what you are willing to give and put into it - you can offer whatever it is to the relationship and let what happens happen with minimal guilt and regret.

At some point you will define for yourself what that is. Once you have done that you will offer whatever that is and shrug the rest off.

For example, going round and round and dealing with emotional games may not be worth a close relationship. If you know that you can deal with your mom on the terms you are OK with for the relationship and then it's her choice what she does with those terms.

Before you can do that you have to get to the point where you would be willing to allow the relationship to be severed and/or minimized and be willing to take the risk that is what could happen for you to be able to continue it on terms that work for you.

I have no idea is that is where you are or what those are - but it seems that with this experience tonight you are start to see what some of the potential limits are for you.

Good luck!



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 09/10/2012 09:59AM by bc.

*nods head*

*sigh*

It can take a while for the news to be fully absorbed (it took my mom more than a year to fully grasp that I was finished with Catholocism.) During that time their may be a fair amount of "tusseling" where issues such as this are worked out. Remember, you and your husband quit the church, your mom didn't. She's used to going to a male member of the family for a priesthood blessing, and she may be feeling bereft.

You'll figure it out as you go along. Some issues you'll need to draw the line, and some may be worth bending on.

Your mum thinks she has hit on a clever way of making you feel guilty about leaving the Church and is trying to manipulate you through your husband.

Your response should have been (easy to say after the event I know) "Sorry Mum, that would be pointless because he no longer believes in that mumbo jumbo. Have you given your Home Teachers a call?"

Stumbling Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Your mum thinks she has hit on a clever way of
> making you feel guilty about leaving the Church
> and is trying to manipulate you through your
> husband.
>

I agree. I think this is a very typical Mormon manipulation tactic. She knows he can't/won't give her a blessing, but wants you to realize the priesthood blessings you have thrown away. She wants you to think, "Oh crap. I shouldn't have quit the church. Now what will I do when I need the priesthood in my home? And my poor mother. We can't even give her a blessing."

I think she is crazy like a fox. That is such a typical TBM maneuver.

Is she ditzy, or trying to embarrass your hubby by forcing him to say he can't give a blessing? That's so bizarre.

Wow this is the exact sort of thing by mother would pull on me. The reason she wants him to give her a blessing is because she is most likely testing you guys to see how serious you really are about leaving. She also is trying to give you "spiritual experiences" in a desperate attempt to bring you back. My mother is the exact same way. If you have your husband send her an email explaining that he won't be able to give her a blessing it might prevent a fight between you both. You should most certainly set boundaries that she knows she should not cross. This is very insensitive of her! So sorry I wish parents would mind their own business sometimes.

If his is her standard MO, to manipulate people to get what she wants, you might want to check out websites about narcissists. Not saying she IS one, but they have useful information for dealing with people who behave like this.

Hi there, sorry you are dealing with this. She is using a manipulation tactic, perhaps unconsciously. It may be that she has resorted to this tactic successfully many times in the past. It may help you to read up on narcissistic personalities (just to learn more, like winks said she may not actually be one) and also emotional manipulators. Ime, mormon women are culturally trained to become masterful emotional manipulators. Learn more about what that means and you will have the tools ready to handle her when she blindsides you again.

How old is your son? Is it ok for her to watch him? I ask just from the perspective of someone dealing with a mil in denial about her sons apostasy. The other day I had to explain to my three year old that Nephi is a made up character in a pretend story. I then explained to my husband that his mother would not be seeing our children unattended again and he agreed. So I'm just wondering if she's going to overstep her bounds regarding your feelings on lds stuff and your kids.

"Mom, I've been wondering why you want my husband to give you a blessing. You know he's left, like I have. What's going on? Why not ask a member of your church for it?"