Last night my wife and I were talking before we went to sleep. She had gone to church alone, which always makes me feel bad, but I just can't make myself go anymore. The night before she had gone to the RS general meeting in Salt Lake, and last week she had attended the broadcast of the Brigham City temple dedication.

Anyway, she said that the spirit was really strong at all three meetings. She then reminded me that we had attended the Mt. Timpanogos temple dedication years ago, and we had sat in the second row, right behind Packer. She said she remembered how strong and vital he seemed in leading the hosanna shout (I thought he had looked bored and monotone) but how weak he seemed last week.

She said it felt like things had come "full circle," and she didn't have to say anything to tell me she was feeling sad and disappointed that I'm not partaking of such things with her. For a moment I thought she was just guilt-tripping me, but I think she just feels alone spiritually.

I hate knowing that she and everyone else in the church think that I am broken, that our marriage is damaged goods. But I just listened and didn't reply, as I didn't think anything I could have said would have helped.

The worst is that I know it's the church that is constantly rebuilding the walls between us, but it will always be my fault. I'm too tired to even feel angry about it anymore. It just makes me really sad.

if so, is that something you can share with your wife?

I don't know if I have an inner spirituality these days.

She is lucky to have a good man. So many women just don't realize what they have (and I'm sure men, too)--I just know what it feels like to lose your spouse, raise your kids yourself, work two jobs.

I wish some of these women could experience this for a year. They'd look at their husbands different then.

It's depressing to think that the walls are just doing to keep coming and coming and coming - you've described it well, I think.

Women who ruin their marriages over Mormonism are just plain nuts.

Even as the morg goes, they should know that's not the way to behave.
Diminishing a spouse because they chose not to participate is a personal problem.

I don't think it's a conscious thing, but immersing herself in the church just brings out those feelings of loss and disappointment. It really has been a while since we had any church issues, so this is just a bump in the road, I hope.

I remember after I found out my ex was cheating on me. I wanted him to stay and I would have stayed forever. I even told him he could keep cheating.

But after he was released from ex. sec., we were co-teachers in primary. I was pretty much inactive for the most part--but he had back surgery and I had to teach every week alone for a while. I'd sit there and look around at other women who seemingly had the "perfect mormon life." I also taught R.S. around this time and I'd get up and teach the lesson and think (and write about it in my journal) I would think about the fact that nobody knew what I was dealing with. It was really painful to go to church and have it shoved in my face--and yet nobody knew.

I quit going and would then sometimes go sit on the sofa in the foyer to listen to SM.

The thing about "spirituality" is that I've ALWAYS believed different than everyone else. I always viewed mormonism different than anyone else including my ex. I think these things are very personal and unique.

You have so many other things you share--like your children. Memories of other things you do together regularly.

I've told the story before of the fact I refused to go to the temple with my ex on bishopric night. He is still angry at me about this after some 18 years. He was not worthy to go and he went--I was worthy to go and refused to.

Crazy thing is--he and I still share a lot and we aren't even "married."

Maybe she was just expressing her feelings, which could be a good thing. Despite comparing things to the past, you are together here in the present.

Life is full of disappointments. While it can be argued that it's a strange expectation/false expectation...it's how she looks at it. Maybe it's progress that she can share in your relationship.

You're obviously committed to her and your family. She may not be able to recognize it. Life is also not a simple fairy tale.

I'm baffled at the bad feelings. I don't see how it's much different than having different hobbies. Hers is church, yours is something else.

She can share the things she enjoyed, and you can be happy for her.

Then you can share things you enjoy, and she can be happy for you.

The only thing that seems missing is something you two do together and both enjoy. I suggest western swing dance lessons.

I know the sadness and disappointment aren't rational, but they are there nonetheless. Just feeling a little sorry for myself today.

Your statement about doubting your own inner spirituality is telling. Human beings are designed to construct our own moral code after evaluating the training, if any, we received from our parents. That developmental step is crippled by Mormonism, which sends a young man on a mission to DENY HIMSELF at the very time he is supposed to be individuating.

That work remains incomplete inside you and instead, here you are later in life finding yourself confronting enormous social and emotional challenges caused by leaving the tribe of your youth. And you don't have the full complement of a completely developed healthy adult inside you to deal with it.

So all you can do is push it away from you. WHich is what you are doing, and it FEELS to your wife like you are pushing her away from you. How can you hate Mormonism and not hate her when she is a Mormon?

There is a solution to your situation but it involves doing something uncomfortable for you. You have to demonstrate that you love her MORE than you hate Mormonism. Yep, I mean go with her to church.

Why keep Mormonism first? Hating Mormonism as the Number One thing in your life is putting it first. Why not demote it to it's true importance - NOTHING! Someone once said the opposite of love is not hatred, it's indifference.

Focus on your wife. Go to church because she is your wife and you are her companion. This is NOT her fault and she's bending aplenty. The church is indifferent to you--they don't really care about you other than your wallet and never have. Return the favor. See yourself there with a bullshit shield around your wife. Show all of them that she has a man who doesn't even believe but who is THERE for her.

The message of love that you send to her as you make this sacrifice, and she will know it's a sacrifice, will do more to mend your marriage than anything you can say.

Why would you allow someone you love to be an object of pity. Instead, make those Relief Society sisters wonder if their husband would still sit by them in the pew out of love.

By doing this, you checkmate the church. They are happy to see your marriage break up. But with you being there for your wife and putting her first frustrates their plan of helping her make the decision to leave you so she can get someone as "worthy" as she is. Someone to take her to the Celestial Kingdom.

Give her the Celestial Kingdom on earth and she will tell them to go to hell.

Best

Anagrammy

Yeah, I know you're right. I had gotten to the point at which I resented going to church, but I usually can sit through sacrament meeting without grinding my teeth or rolling my eyes.

Something just occurred to me. I only attended for two weeks without my husband before I left as well. I remember feeling what your wife is feeling. I was very touched by a musical number in one sacrament. It made me so sad that my husband wasn't there to share that with me. As I told him about it, I realized that what I needed was to have spiritual experiences with my husband. It's part of bonding and growing closer.

We were not going to have church, temple, prayers, scripture study, or music together. We would not be sitting together, holding hands, and feeling the things together that we once had. To me, it felt as if a huge void had entered our relationship. I expressed the desire to fill that with other ways to feel the spirit, so to speak. There are many moving things in the world, the symphony, reading poetry together, hiking to a waterfall, watching the sunset in a quiet place, or reading quotes of wisdom.

This is what your wife is missing. Perhaps you can chat with her about it. Tell her that it's important to you that you connect with her on a deeper level, such as when you are both moved by amazing music. Then find ways to do those things with her. You once had church, now find something better to share with her.