My journey out began a year ago September when I came across this and other websites researching tithing. After reading the stories and forum posts, listening to Mormon Stories, and the still small voice inside telling me it is not true, I broke through the fear of apostasy and I no longer believe. However, there is still a small (and getting smaller) nugget deep inside me thinking that it might be true, though my conscious mind tells me otherwise. The fantasy of the story was nice, in spite of the polygamy, secondary status of women, tithing for treats, etc. I find myself addicted to reading the forum posts to constantly remind myself the TSCC is a fraud. I think it is because I have spent so many decades indoctrinated. How long does it take to deprogram oneself?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/09/2012 04:57PM by nofear.

One week or less.

Once we heard that native Americans do not have Semitic DNA, most of our family walked away within a week.

I think it is a continuum - kind of a curve where you do the heaviest deprogramming at the beginning of the process and you continue to deprogram throughout the rest of your life.

I haven't believe for year and have been out for a year but it is interesting to ponder what the effects are.

How much does my experience in the church still impact how I think about women? about blacks? about gays? about abortion? about morality? about sex? etc.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/09/2012 04:57PM by bc.

2 weeks to get over the anger.
I am still who I am, and don't need to change much.
Leaving the church automatically removes me from situations to "lead" the people.
So, I'm free and happy to look forward with my freedom.

I was BIC in a large active family.
It took me two years from my first doubts to recognize it wasn't true.
An additional two year after that to stop attending meetings. Five years to have the courage to tell my family and to officially resign.
Ten years later I am still finding small things/beliefs/habits that were taught to me while I believed and as a child that I have to rethink outside of the LDS faith.
After having my first child I had nightmares of losing her to the LDS church. I recently had my second child and the nightmare came back, not as bad but ...
Sometimes I wonder if the deprogramming will ever end.

I know how you feel. Mine was a gradual process. There wasn't one thing that made me leave, it was a gradual finding out of information that did it.

I find myself sometimes questioning myself. I think some of it comes from having a husband that still beleives. I think to myself that maybe I am over-reacting.

I think some of this thinking comes from the years and years of being exposed to the church teaching that any doubts or questions come from Satan and it is you who is wrong and NEVER the church.

It is hard to get over the feeling that there is something wrong with us. But, then I come here and it reinforces that it is all a fraud and it is not me it is THEM.

About a month to learn it was completely false.

About 18 months to deprogram my day-to-day thoughts, activities, clothing, stance on gays, etc.

Age 19 I started having SERIOUS doubts, after reading some "anti-Mormon" literature. I proceeded to study heavily both pro & con, until about age 23, when I could comfortably feel it was a TOTAL FRAUD. I was a little slow getting out cause I was so brainwashed.

Ex-CultMember Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Age 19 I started having SERIOUS doubts, after
> reading some "anti-Mormon" literature. I proceeded
> to study heavily both pro & con, until about age
> 23, when I could comfortably feel it was a TOTAL
> FRAUD. I was a little slow getting out cause I was
> so brainwashed.


What kills me is that after I showed my parents my "research" they quite the church cold turkey, like within a month. I wish I could have done it that fast.

Seriously?? You're so lucky. I wish it happened that way for me. I showed my research to my parents and now they are more Mormon than ever (and I didn't even think that was possible).

Ostrich meet sand.

We may never know. I have been out for about 10 years now. A guy I work with mentioned that he was raised Mormon but hasn't attended for a couple decades. He says it never made sense to him even as a kid. (He tells stories about being put in the hall for asking questions his Primary teachers were unable to answer). Anyway, I told him I used to be a member and he said he had been suspicious. He said there was something about Mormons - even former Momrons - that he picks up on and he claims he is often correct in identifying them (us).

So, maybe there are aspects that never get reprogramed. Rather than take that as something discouraging, I think it is something that just has to be lived with. Other things such as language accents may never be completely deprogramed either. It just may be a fact of life. It's enough to be out!

I was BIC and left the church when I was 30. It took me about a week to deprogram. Honestly I went from TBM to apostate in the 45 minutes that it took me to verify the truth about the Book of Abraham. The rest was just petty doubts about how to tell my family. It might have been easier for me since I never lived near the "moridor." I can see how someone who grew up in Utah and was constantly inundated with Mormon culture might need several years to fully detox.

Roughly 5 years from my decision to leave.

I had thought upon leaving that I was "deprogrammed", but I wasn't. At first I was angry, confrontational and very self-righteous. It took awhile to mellow out, and then a bit more to be objective and more or less indifferent.

I prefer to focus on the reprogramming that began the instant I allowed myself doubt.

As I flushed my brain of all the mormon crap, I began at the very same time to finally allow myself to fill it with all of the previously banned and scary information that is to be found out in the real world, through nature, books, music, experience, reflection. My reprogramming is an endless bounty, its impossible to run out of new things to learn, and the joy of it is something I feel on a daily basis.

It took me 10 years to realize that I didn't believe it, and how that was different from "not having a testimony". But once I broke through that wall, it was instantaneous. It took me less than two minutes to transition from "I need to work harder to gain a testimony because I'm a failure" to "mormonism is complete shite."

But I think I was making that journey for a decade, and didn't realize it. Give yourself time.

It was about six months before I started really seeing Mormonism for how damaging it could become. Too many stories from people here showed a very different experience than my own and it was eye opening.

Try asking how many have been out over 10 years but still cringe when General Conference comes on TV and Radio..

Sometimes its psychologically decades and the hurt is still there .

JB

I've been out for almost three years. I still feel like I'm deprogramming. Of course, I guess it all depends on what each individual considers "deprogrammed."

I'm in this place where I've finally gotten over the denial, anger and depression and I don't worry anymore about dead people watching my every move, but I still have unwelcomed thoughts that annoy me, such as:

1- My friend just sent me this cute key chain with a vintage illustration of a woman drinking coffee. It says, "I like my coffee like I like my men: Strong and Rich." I immediately put my keys on it and then I had the thought, "What's my mom going to say if she sees this? She's going to be sad because I drink coffee."

2-My husband and I saw this beautiful wine rack and I admitted to him that after loving it, I thought how uncomfortable I'd be when anyone Mormon visits me (which is very rare).

Thoughts like this drive me nuts!!!! Should I only consider myself completely deprogrammed until I'm 100% comfortable being myself around Mormons and care nothing for what they think of my divine relationship with coffee? Honestly, I don't know if that will ever happen.

The wife and I were in less than a year. If a member happens to come over she will hide beer bottles. I think it is crazy. Who gives a f*ck what they think? I can only imagine what it is like for all of you who were in so long.

Deprogramming yourself is a highly personal and individual process. It depends on whether you are BIC or a convert, how deeply you believed it, whether your immediate family are "stalwarts" or jackmormons, whether you were in leadership, whether you work with/for Mormons, whether you are in the Morridor, whether you are a Royal Mormon, etc.

There are different levels of involvement. I chuckled when I read the variety of answers here because there is no one answer. It is reflective of programming to think there is because we are all actually secret individuals, no matter what the church says to try to turn us beige.

They make the meetinghouses beige, they make the music funereal, they bar variety of instruments and even variety in vocal tones when giving a talk. The Mormon experience is that of being homogenized into a body of obedient people who pay, recruit, and don't speak out. Period.

When you become an outlier, the rejection of the superimposed value system is the easy part. The deprogramming that takes the rest of your life is like picking bits of shrapnel out of your body after an explosion. Some of it is obvious and other pieces can be seen under the skin. Then, much to your dismay, one will fester up as a pustule and you see in the middle this piece of metal.

The shrapnel following your destruction of the false paradigm within you will always be part of you and it may not cause you any problems. I have been out of the church since 1985 or so and I still occasionally spot a problem which I can see is a reaction formation against something I did in Mormonism. For example, I did not bake bread for two decades, nor did I can. I only recently assembled a 72 hour kit.

These are harmless, but the ones inside us are not so simple. For many years I had difficulty enjoying leisure activities. I would feel like I should be doing something "worthwhile" and I suffered from an aimless anxiety that I wasn't doing something I should be doing. Finally, I dug into what might be underneath. It was programming that remained untouched by my discovery that Joseph Smith was a fraud and his church was a corporate money-making scheme.

I learned this about myself through reading self-help books because I didn't have the money for therapy. The one that helped me the most, which I post about frequently, is"The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. It taught me to value myself as "worth" planning wonderful activities for. I discovered when planning a "My Day" that I had never, ever planned anything based on what I alone wanted to do. I feel a little teary eyed even typing this over the lost years of enjoying my own life, but it's ok now, because believe me, I am enjoying it now.

So my answer is "the rest of your life" because there is nothing as exciting as discovering yourself, your hidden talents and the entire world of glorious people and experiences that were formerly denied to you while you mentally were tied to a chair sat with duct tape on your mouth waiting for the Second Coming...or waiting to die so you could collect your reward for sacrificing your earthly life.

Shudder.

Anagrammy

anagrammy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Deprogramming yourself is a highly personal and
> individual process. It depends on whether you are
> BIC or a convert, how deeply you believed it,
> whether your immediate family are "stalwarts" or
> jackmormons, whether you were in leadership,
> whether you work with/for Mormons, whether you are
> in the Morridor, whether you are a Royal Mormon,
> etc.
>
> There are different levels of involvement. I
> chuckled when I read the variety of answers here
> because there is no one answer. It is reflective
> of programming to think there is because we are
> all actually secret individuals, no matter what
> the church says to try to turn us beige.
>
> They make the meetinghouses beige, they make the
> music funereal, they bar variety of instruments
> and even variety in vocal tones when giving a
> talk. The Mormon experience is that of being
> homogenized into a body of obedient people who
> pay, recruit, and don't speak out. Period.
>
> When you become an outlier, the rejection of the
> superimposed value system is the easy part. The
> deprogramming that takes the rest of your life is
> like picking bits of shrapnel out of your body
> after an explosion. Some of it is obvious and
> other pieces can be seen under the skin. Then,
> much to your dismay, one will fester up as a
> pustule and you see in the middle this piece of
> metal.
>
> The shrapnel following your destruction of the
> false paradigm within you will always be part of
> you and it may not cause you any problems. I have
> been out of the church since 1985 or so and I
> still occasionally spot a problem which I can see
> is a reaction formation against something I did in
> Mormonism. For example, I did not bake bread for
> two decades, nor did I can. I only recently
> assembled a 72 hour kit.
>
> These are harmless, but the ones inside us are not
> so simple. For many years I had difficulty
> enjoying leisure activities. I would feel like I
> should be doing something "worthwhile" and I
> suffered from an aimless anxiety that I wasn't
> doing something I should be doing. Finally, I dug
> into what might be underneath. It was programming
> that remained untouched by my discovery that
> Joseph Smith was a fraud and his church was a
> corporate money-making scheme.
>
> I learned this about myself through reading
> self-help books because I didn't have the money
> for therapy. The one that helped me the most,
> which I post about frequently, is"The Artist's
> Way" by Julia Cameron. It taught me to value
> myself as "worth" planning wonderful activities
> for. I discovered when planning a "My Day" that I
> had never, ever planned anything based on what I
> alone wanted to do. I feel a little teary eyed
> even typing this over the lost years of enjoying
> my own life, but it's ok now, because believe me,
> I am enjoying it now.
>
> So my answer is "the rest of your life" because
> there is nothing as exciting as discovering
> yourself, your hidden talents and the entire world
> of glorious people and experiences that were
> formerly denied to you while you mentally were
> tied to a chair sat with duct tape on your mouth
> waiting for the Second Coming...or waiting to die
> so you could collect your reward for sacrificing
> your earthly life.
>
> Shudder.
>
> Anagrammy


very. well. said.

The shrapnel is a good analogy. Lately, I've been seeing it as more like trying to remove a brain tumor that has woven its insidious tentacles quietly into my soul. You can perhaps remove the large portion of the tumor, but the little tendrils have so slyly snaked their way in. I have so many inhibitions against so many things. Even my hubby, who hadn't believed for two years when he came out to me jumped a little when I said a mild curse word the other day when we were alone in the car. It rather cracked me up.

I'm trying so many things for the first time in my entire life!

Well said Anagrammy. Thoughtful and precise. Out 35+ years and still running across little bits of mormon brainwashing that I try to deal with. You eventually make peace with it but it takes different amounts of time for different folks. All of the above posts demonstrate how different the journey is for each of us. The important thing is that we have banded together on this forum to support each others journey and that seems to be the best thing that ever happened to those of us that left. When I left there was no internet and your sources were limited to the printed material and the Tanner's news letter, but I was still able to study my way out and start dealing with the impacts from being born BIC and brainwashed for the first 21 years of my life. I drift off sometimes and ignore RfM which helps and then come back to it because it also helps me to reach out to others and support their journey. The most dastardly part of what they did to us as kids is the long term impact and the need to even be dealing with deprogramming for most of an adult life. It gets easier over time.

It's an individual thing, imo. When something defines your life the way TSCC did mine, it's not been an easy fix to walk away and start over. I envy those who can do it virtually overnight; it's been a much more gradual process for me.

I think part of my problem has been that I grew up in a non-religious home and was very skeptical of all religion. I thought I was too smart, too logical. Not so. I fell for the family values idea. So I feel doubly duped and dumb. But I always had lingering doubts--the "curse of Cain" (an entire race cursed for the actions of one man?), the church's stance on ERA, the word science bandied about as if it were a trifle, nothing to worry our little heads about. And God on Planet Kolob?! How could a church claim to know so much about God himself--and speak for him--but have no regard for science, no tolerance for diversity, and no real answers for the great injustices of life, hunger, disease, poverty, abuse, the economy, etc.

The temple opened my eyes to something else, too. That being Mormon superseded everything else in life--even an identity as Americans when it boiled down to it (the church over freedom of speech, for ex). They monitored what we read and watched (tho I ignored that), what we wore, whom we dated and when and where we married, what went on in the bedroom, the size of our families, how even laughing too much was wrong.

More important, I saw that the church was telling me how to think. I read a book by Carol Lynn Pearson years ago about her caring for her ex-husband with AIDS, read about the "experiments" done to gays and the inhumane things said to them by TSCC. I was appalled. And then I had to explain WHY I was reading it to the sp. I was stunned. So, when the watershed moment came--Prop 8 (under the guise of "family values"), I'd had enough of being told how to think. I wanted to think for myself again. And I'd had enough of thinking others weren't living their lives the right way. What the hell right did I have to do that? For that matter, what right did the church have?

So I found my way out. I don't regret it; I'm very happy, but it's a slow process. It's two steps forward, one step back. Then again, maybe I'm just a slow learner.

I think it's something i'll be dealing with right up to the end.

I will die sometime in the next 30 years. When I plan my funeral, and write my will, the shadows of mormonism will show up.

I have many family members who are mormon. They will never let it go. They will constantly be saying and doing things that take me back in time. The baby's being born, weddings, funerals, it all brings it rushing back in. You feel forced to acknowledge it even when you wish it would just go away.

The good thing is, it's not the center or focus of my life. It never will be again. It's been reduced to an annoying little gnat.

I call the process: Getting myself UnMormonized!
It took several months to completely tackle all of the automatic scripts that I had been thinking and living and reprogram and delete them.
I have a long post on what that entailed. I'll look it up and post it.

Great point anagrammy about shrapnel.

The myth taught by TSCC was so compelling and comforting. I still have that bit of shrapnel inside that wishes the whitewashed story were true though I have concluded that it is a fraud. I am thinking that I am not yet ready to completely purge myself of the myth because it would shift my paradigm too much. I thought a year would be enough, but I need more time to gently discard beliefs I held as truth. Anticipation of the 2nd coming had dominated my thoughts and actions for so many years, I am a little sad to let it go. I thought for sure it was just around the corner, Saturday's warriors and all. I don't have a belief system yet to replace Mormonism, and I am not sure if I want one. Replacing myth with truth has not been easy and the process has left a big hole.

I have to say that I have appreciated everyone's comments in this forum because the laughter and insights help the journey feel less lonely.

SusieQ#1, I am interested in the link to your post.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 10/10/2012 12:06AM by nofear.

nofear Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Great point anagrammy about shrapnel.
>
> The myth taught by TSCC was so compelling and
> comforting. I still have that bit of shrapnel
> inside that wishes the whitewashed story were true
> though I have concluded that it is a fraud. I am
> thinking that I am not yet ready to completely
> purge myself of the myth because it would shift my
> paradigm too much. I thought a year would be
> enough, but I need more time to gently discard
> beliefs I held as truth. Anticipation of the 2nd
> coming had dominated my thoughts and actions for
> so many years, I am a little sad to let it go. I
> thought for sure it was just around the corner,
> Saturday's warriors and all. I don't have a
> belief system yet to replace Mormonism, and I am
> not sure if I want one. Replacing myth with truth
> has not been easy and the process has left a big
> hole.
>
> I have to say that I have appreciated everyone's
> comments in this forum because the laughter and
> insights help the journey feel less lonely.
>
> SusieQ#1, I am interested in the link to your
> post.


Here it is:

Answering my own questions! This is part of how I got myself UnMormonized.-updated.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,668096,668096#msg-668096



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/10/2012 11:55AM by SusieQ#1.

Still working on it, even though skepticism began over a decade ago, when I was a teenager.

As others have mentioned, I'm also still realizing new ways in which they affected me and my thinking. Lately I've been having lots of semi-flashbacks to primary songs. What dreck they filled my head with.

It took 9+ months from first doubt to finding peace that the church was NOT true. This was a studying-every-waking-moment sort of task. It was a lost year, as far as other areas of my life were concerned.

Then I spent a couple of years devouring self-help books. (I also benefitted from "The Artist's Way")

And then about 9 more years to the present day picking out the "shrapnel", as Anagrammy so well described it.

All along the way, I've been reading here. I discovered many of the issues that I needed to think about to recover here on the board. Sure, I would have EVENTUALLY dealt with them, as they came up, but being here was like doing exploratory surgery for shrapnel . . . with a metal detector.

Your path is your own. It may take you more time than someone else, it may take less. But as long as you are headed in the right direction, you'll get there. I would just encourage you to be fearless and get it over with by digging deep and dealing with any issues you have.

I agree with the posts. I think I already see some "funny things" things that is out of the ordinary though I dare not question about it as I grew up in the church. I relied on faith only for so long.

But when I saw the questions about the church, it clicked instantly for me. I just knew. Now led the process, you know, having your world upside down, going through a grieving process, being angry, being sad, goign through reflection, and finally acceptance. I know there is a list about this process. All that took me three months. It can be fast for some and not so for others. It depends on the individual.

I came out a better person. Like Anagrammy said, I do have shrapnels in places. I am still trying to figure out my place and to live my life to the fullest on my own terms.

Cheers,

Khark

It took me no time at all to realize the truth, once I really started studying it. After the Book of Abraham truth, the DNA truth and the truth that there really were no Nephites or Lamanites, I knew absolutely 100% that the Church was false and there was no unlearning what I'd learned. That's when I also lost any fear I had of some eternal Mormon punishment.

But I'll probably be deprogramming myself for the rest of my life, in terms of habits that I had as a Mormon. I'll still get a hymn stuck in my head, or feel the need to pray when things are rough. Then I'll ask myself, "And just who do you think you're praying to?"

I'll realize that my thinking is still affected in a lot of ways from my 30 years as a Mormon.

Holy cow, I've been doing that. I will be whistling or humming a hymn and realize I don't even agree with the words to the hymn.