Angels coming to my bed at night. There were clear instructions of how to determine whether or not it was a messenger from god (already resurrected or resurrection still pending...) - and I was afraid that I would shake his hand and feel nothing...
We talked about it at length in YM/YW sunday school lessons as well as in seminary. Totally spooked me!
My biggest fear was not being good enough, especially not good enough to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. When I was a kid, maybe 10ish, our stake pres came and talked in our ward. I remember him saying that, as he looked out across the congregation, there was only one person he could see that he knew would make it to the CK... the guy with Down's Syndrome. I thought, that if the stake president doesn't think the rest of us have any real chance, then there must not be much hope. I decided that God was really just out to get us. That was probably the first chink in the armor for me too... even though it was another 18 years before I left.
I don't think I was afraid so much when I was an active member. The fear kicked in more when I was contemplating leaving. They told me it would be better if I'd never been born if I had the truth and then left it. That kept me in a lot longer than I should have stayed in.
It was when I realized 100% that the Church was not 'true' that I lost all fear of their threatened eternal consequences and at that time I was ready to leave for good.
truthseeker Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Seriously? Mormonism teaches that everyone's sins > will be shouted from the housetops? That sucks.
Yeah, because of that, I grew up to be bluntly honest and upfront about everything I do. I figured I beat them at their own game, where no one could say, "You did what?!" when my sins were shouted from the rooftops.
I'd just say, "Yeah, so? I told you about that already. It as a long time ago. Get over it."
On my mom's side of the family, the folklore was rich with dead relatives returning from the afterlife to make special guest appearances. My grandmother claimed to have seen a dog with satan's eyes watching her from the woods. The story of young Joseph Smith being visited by Angels all the time gave me the willies quite frankly. The result of all this was that for my entire childhood I was terrified of the dark (I suppose most kids are) and was quite sure that a ghoul of some sort was constantly stalking me. I have made an effort as a parent to make sure my kids knew from a very early age that I now consider all of this ridiculous bullsh*t, and I must say they seem to be pretty fearless, and less neurotic than me as a child.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/13/2012 10:49AM by ladell.
As a child, growing up, non-Mormon, but immersed in Mormon culture, people talked about the way in which Satan could invade your heart if you invited it in through something like interacting with a Ouiji Board.
I was an adult before I could truly banish that thought.
I was mostly afraid of myself - there was something so wrong with me that I couldn't seem to follow along like everyone else. I knew I would end up alone and homeless and unhappy.
I WAS afraid of my innermost thoughts being shouted from the housetops. What I now know were normal thoughts, back in my younger days I was sure I was a very sinful person for having sexual thoughts or fantasies.
I was always most afraid of the stake president. I was told and always believed that's a stake president could see right through you and tell if you were worthy or not. I would always avoid the stake president if I saw him until the last few years when I just stopped caring about what he thought.
Like many Mormons--and I don't think they realize how common this is--it was inadequacy. Never good enough to be loved. Never good enough to be wanted. Never good enough to deserve happiness.
It is horrible, thank the Spaghetti Monster I escaped it.
Now what I fear most is fear itself. (Thanks FDR.) I fear that I won't have the courage to face the fears and confront the people that caused by the damage done in my youth. I suppose what I fear most is the fear of losing the will to fight, of giving up, of being caged long enough that time and age take from me the will to fight this abuse to others--abuse I see happening to people every day.
I do not fear death. I fear losing the mental power I have developed to fight fear. I guess George Lucas was on to something when he said all those who gain power are afraid to lose it.
"What is the difference between greed and fear? They are both fear." -Ben Stein Because Mormon apostacy and/or sin results In loss of godhood (loss of an infinite prize) one's investment in Mormonism is a synergy in ultimate greed and fear.
Somebody seeing me drinking or smoking (quit the coffin nails 29 years ago)....still sits in the back of my mind...stupid, ain't it for a 64 year old grandfather to still deal with that $hit, eh?
The biggest fear was what other people would think of/about me. Now I make the judgement call about what they really need to know, and it really does not matter.
I also was freaked out as a kid that the church leaders had the power of discernment and could look at me and know all my unconfessed sins. I think it finally occurred to me on the mission that was a bunch of crap. I think they are trained to watch for certain things that cause people to give themselves away. And I like the disclaimer that you might be able to fool the bishop, but you cannot fool god in the end. Sounded to me like god was picking mental lackeys for henchmen then.
My biggest fear was not measuring up in the "final judgement" when all was said and done. As a TBM I always assumed that the celestial kingdom would be a pretty empty place based on what you needed to do to get there, but I so badly wanted to get it. The problem was the church had me convinced I was going to hell b/c of my "addiction". Ha.
Now...that fear is gone and I feel incredibly FREE! I can live my life without guilt anymore.
I had almost constant anxiety over what my daughter was being taught when she was in nursery. Also, constant guilt over feeling like I wasn't doing everything I was supposed to be doing.
I feared a separation from my family. I feared not being able to afford salvation (tithing on gross). I hated having to feel like I was justifying that I was good enough to accept callings, go to the temple etc. I rarely ever felt good enough.
My big bugaboo was being cut off from my family, who had all left the church, and feeling responsible for their salvation. It's such a relief to not feel that false, ridiculous burden anymore.
The sheer dread of how I'd be told that my life was, whether true or not, not being lived according to something or other spouted by some dead or living profit or other etc. etc.
This fear remained with me because we were a part-member family. Constantly being reminded that I wasn't doing enough to bring the priesthood into the home ad nauseum.
It is so good to be free of fear and pressure from self-righteous bigots.
When JWs or mormons stumble to my door I say "I don't do fear, man-made religions or lifestyle corrections". I also tell them I don't read badly thought up bigoted stuff pushed at me at the door.