Some forum members are familiar with the story of how, in 2010, my mother lured me to buy out my siblings, using money from my recent home sale, with the promise that she would deed her house to me, come the following Spring. Now I realize that she smelled money, a nice big portion of it for herself. To make a long story short, after I bought them out, she quietly reneged on her part of agreement, even denying that she had ever really proposed the idea. Naturally, I was very upset. Then, a few months later, in June 2011, after spreading a vicious smear campaign to everyone she could, and alienating me from about five friends and family members, she quietly retreated and went to live with my brother. After a few months of calm, she began her constant phone harassment several times a week, during which time she was also talking with my TBM EX, causing him to fly into a rage over my so called mistreatment of her. She had told him, and several others, that I had kicked HER out. She also got him to extort a very large sum of money from me, which he sends to her in an allotment every month. Deed done! That's what she wanted.

After my going No Contact with her for over a year, she recently dropped the 'BOMB'. In late August, my brother visited me with the news. Yes, I was to be out of HER house by Nov.1 of this year. Once again, she used a male 'flying monkey' to do her dirty work. That term is from 'The Wizard of OZ' where the wicked witch used flying monkeys to do her errands. My brother, who has been trying to stay neutral, lowered his guard for a moment, and told me that she is just relishing what she is doing to me. Personality disordered people get a tremendous 'high' from other people's pain. It's like a drug that they can't get enough of. Also, they will accuse the other person of doing the very thing that they have thought of doing. In this case, she kicked ME out, after she had convinced several others that I had kicked HER out.

Their logic is totally backward. Telling a PD person that you want No Contact is the attention they want, even though negative, and they will try all the harder to make contact. They are emotional vampires that will suck every bit of self esteem, money, etc.,that they can from their target. No wonder those of us who have encounted these demons have emotional breakdowns, heart attacks, and even commit suicide.

The rest of the story is that I was able to find a decent low cost house to buy, with my brother's help. He even offered to buy ME out, but I declined, as he's strapped. My sisters kept their share of the buyout, and have written me off. So, there goes another chunk of my retirement savings. Fortunately, this is an investment, and will pay off somewhere down the line, either for me, or my children.

Moral of the story: Never take a person's word, even if you think you trust them. Get it in writing. You never know when you are dealing with a wolf in sheep's clothing, especially when it comes to relatives.

I'm so sorry. That must be especially hurtful, since it's coming from your mother and sisters. The people who are supposed to love you have totally screwed you over.

I worry that my husband's ex wife and daughters will pop back into our lives unexpectedly. I never knew such craziness existed until I got involved with my husband. And now I just wait for the other shoe to drop.

Personality disordered people can really drive a person crazy.

She may have blown her cover this time, though. If you want a crash course on how to deal with your husband's Exs, keep reading the stories the forum. Many of us have dealt with toxic people, some much worse than mine.

Long time lurker, but first time poster. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like your parent is a narcissist--specifically a Malignant Narcissist, and she's on a Distortion Campaign. Basically, that's when they smear you to your loved ones to get what they want and/or cause you pain. As hard as it is, please know that it is not about you --it's about HER feelings of worthlessness, despair, etc.

I urge you to seek counseling for yourself. If I had $20, I'd bet that someone in your family is the "golden child" who can do no wrong and someone else (likely YOU) was the "scapegoat" upon whom she could project all the negative things about herself onto you. Does that sound familiar?

Also, one more question: do you have a strategy for getting away from her and protecting yourself? I hope so.

As she has only a solid 50% of the symptoms, she's been able to lay low for many years. It took living with her for 8 months to figure it out.

And yes, you got it right.

My brother has always been the Golden child. But he and I have always had a good relationship. He's not a Narc, fortunately.

Middle child sister--scapegoat, bigtime

Other sister--the jester, to ease the tension

It sounds like you may work in this field. I had not heard the term 'Distortion Campaign.' That describes it perfectly.

Yes, I've developed some strategies for protecting myself, mainly speaking up to others about what she's done, especially to my four grown children. I will not be silent, but I will continue to ignore her.

Carol Y... I know a good attorney that only gets paid on contingency. If you want his contact info, just say it.

PS: Screw your mom.

newcomer Wrote:
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> Carol Y... I know a good attorney that only gets
> paid on contingency. If you want his contact info,
> just say it.
>
> PS: Screw your mom.


Yeah. Screw her!

Carol,
Thanks for your share. You just started speaking my language: flying monkeys, golden child, scapegoat, and distortion campaign. Oh my goodness. I've lived this. So when the time comes: ding dong the witch is dead!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/15/2012 09:26PM by FormerLatterClimber.

The carppy woman is 87, but her side of the family live long lives, and remain sharp mentally.

Tell us your experiences sometime.

Funny thing is, I took that in college. LOL

My brother is also going to do some repairs, and help me move. Bless his heart. It definitely will feel good to be in a house for which I hold the deed.

Carol Y. Wrote:
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> n/t


It's part of the nature of this forum format. I get lost sometimes! But I eventually catch up! :-)

Don't move out. Keep possession of the home and take her to court. There is probably enough financial evidence to back up your story. It is hard to evict someone, don't let her kick you out. It is easier to defend your claim if you are living there. And act fast!

He and I would be footing a huge bill, as she would drag it out to win at all costs.

I recently discovered that the financial records from the city that showed how much I had paid for the large lien had been removed from my important papers file. I'm very meticulous, and would not have misplaced double copies. Shrewd, hey?

My brother would like to live in the house after she dies, and has offered to pay me off at that time. We'll still do a formal agreement, though.

I'm confirming your great advice: get everything in writing!
The other advice would be not to do business with relatives! But that's a bit too late.

I bet this experience has left you a lot smarter and you can find peace of mind in your own home and not be involved with family members who lie about you.
My best to you.

That is some twisted, sick behaviour your mom possesses.

I don't doubt a word of it. Having grown up with a narcissistic mother as well, few experiences suprise me these days. Shock, yes, uprise rarely. Narcissists are sick, rotten people. Through in a little psychopathy and you have an evil entity walking around in human skin.

Reading some of the books suggested here like the Sociopath Next Door, the Gift of Fear, and The Psychopath Test have definitely opened my eyes even wider.

That's an interesting new vocab term- Distortion Campaign. I've been on the receiving end of that particular string of lies more than once. Is there, perhaps, a website with more info of this nature?

The theme of the borderline personality disorder's behavior is "I hate you; don't leave me."

You are indeed realizing a painful truth I started learning years ago about a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario (and trust me I'm still vulnerable and even discussing the subject makes me nervous). If there's any value to the compassion I'm offering, feel free to help yourself...

I don't know about such sorts actually getting a "high" from inflicting pain on others; that certainly could be the case, but not too many of them "recover" enough to acquire the emotional honesty to give us their perspective. My own leaning is to suggest they're in such pain themselves that such acting out is the only option they perceive (and their perceptions are decidedly distorted). But perhaps I am being too charitable...

The solution in either case is boundaries and availing yourself of a solid support system, which you're doing right now. No fun, but you are carrying on...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/15/2012 09:56PM by SL Cabbie.

@SL Cabbie: borderlines cannot tolerate any form of abandonment and will go to frantic efforts to avoid it; a narc KNOWS you're going to leave them, so once they've gotten what they want and you can no longer fulfill their needs, you are no longer useful to them.

Narcs and sociopaths are very similar in their operating models; the difference is the rage. A sociopath, once they find you have nothing left to give them, will move on quickly. A narc will exhibit fury and rage if YOU leave before they are finished with you. Google the term "narcissistic rage" and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Ironically, it's not unusual to see a narcissistic - borderline couple. They have a way of finding each other.

Carol Y., I am truly sorry you are going through this. This is the second case I've known where an older mother has done something like this (I knew of another, and the mother promised to re-imburse her son if he took care of their elderly grandmother. He did, for 10 years. Guess what? The mom plundered the grandma's savings then took to take the promised house for herself. Of course, she went full-on Distortion Campaign with the members of her ward about her son. It was really heartbreaking. Oh, and guess what? He was the Scapegoat Child (which makes sense...she wanted the Scapegoat to do all the dirty work, because it would be easier to smear him later). Sick.

Plese, Carol Y., take care of yourself. Google the term "narcissistic mother adult daughter" and you will find a wealth of information. There's another book, called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that you may find useful as well. I wish I could give you a hug, lady. But please know that you are not the first person to have a Narc Mom. (Take a look at me!)

Wait...SL Cabbie, are you a therapist? Because if you are, then I have to apologize for telling you about narcs and borderlines. 'Cause...I would never tell a therapist about psycology. Ugh! I am super embarassed now!

Well, they're distinctly different, borderlines and narcissists. They have a few things in common, but shouldn't be conflated.

For one thing, more BP can actually be helped, partly because they are subject to distress, but narcissists generally process that sort of distress differently, and don't ever seem to own it or feel it as THEIR emotions. Cause a narc distress and you will pay for it! They don't need fixing because YOU are the problem.

I think NPDs and BPDs can have a lot of overlapping symptoms, but they are ultimately two different things. I used to think my husband's ex was borderline because I read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and she fit the signs and symptoms of BPD to a tee. As time went on, I started to think of her more as an intellectual narcissist. By that I don't think she's an intellectual... she just thinks she is. And she's not to blame for anything that's gone wrong in her life because she's both a "victim" and "special". It's infuriating.

I just hope she stays away from us, but it would not surprise me if she popped up again later if and when she thinks it suits her purposes.

Interesting how that case you mentioned is so similar. Textbook stuff, sometimes, isn't it. Their minds are so rigid. My sister, who is in her fifties, was the scapegoat as a child. Now in her 50s, Narc mother has figured out how to give her just enough 'carrot on a stick', to make her feel loved. In return, she works like a dog for her. She is in total denial.

I Will get through this. It's been the worst two years of my life. What a way to begin retirement. At least now my heart paplitations and dizziness have subsided. Some days I have to take an herbal anti-anxiety/ anti-depressant and lay low, until I stabilize.

I am moving only a few blocks away from her. It was the only place I could find. She'll be back in Nov., already to start her next round of distortion and possible harassment. Would you suggest that I get a restraining order, in case she decides to stalk my place? I plan on making sure who is at the door before I answer. I can check for her car from another window. If I am outside, and she comes up, I'll just ignore her and go in.

Thanks again for your genuine concern.

In a way, BPD scares me more. I actually fear my BPD mother more than my NPD father. Their abandonment issues make them more likely to try to show up in your life after going no contact. I agree with the assessment about NPD, that when you have nothing they want they usually go away. I read something that described BPD like a lighthouse. That they actually are capable of some love. But just like a lighthouse, if the light is not shining on you, then you're SOL.

Hands down, BPD is the worst personality disorder to have. They are either in constant emotional chaos and/or projecting constant emotional chaos. NPD is bad, too, but once the narc is done with you, they move on to the next victim.

@FormerLatterClimber, I am sorry you had a borderline mom and a narc dad. It's not uncommon for a narc and a borderline to become a couple. They're drawn to each other; the narc loves the borderline's constant attention and the borderline will give it all until he or she is wiped out. Then...the fun begins! Argh.

Thank you so much, you seem to have a wealth of knowledge on the subject, and I would really love for you to stick around. The one thing I have learned about life and time, is that circumstances can change at any time. My momster, as I like to call her, HEHE, has lead and won two legal custody battles using as you put it, distortion campaigns. I haven't seen my son since 2007. I literally needed help to just get out of bed after that for two whole years. And now my little sister's children have been taken through, again, distortion campaigns. Did I mention my folks are loaded? My sister attempted suicide this year.

Now, my father is either dead, or on his death bed, (I have my suspicions about her attempted contact now, whether he really is dying, or whether momster just wanted contact because she's ruined most everyone's lives around her and there's no one left around her but sociopaths who are known to be violent (my oldest brother, for one). My sister is doing better, and so am I, slowly but surely. We won't be attending any funerals, and we won't ever have contact with her again, if we can help it. Getting my son out of that situation is something that plagues me everyday.

@Carol Y.: May I suggest that when she comes back, you behave in an emotionally detached manner from her. Whenever she says inflammatory things, you respond neutrally. Detachment and neutral responses seem to work best at getting rid of Narcs. Example: I don't appreciate the way you treat me, Carol. You are ungrateful for all I sacrificed during your childhood, yadda, yadda. Response: I'm surprised you feel this way. Huh. Blank stare/poker face.

It will feel weird to you at first, but keep at it. You deserve to protect you. If you choose this strategy, her provoking behavior will increase for a time. Be patient. She wants to test your new resolve, not unlike a toddler testing a rule from a parent. Once you've established you can't be rattled, she will move on. Probably to your sister, who is working well giving her Narcissistic Supply (i.e., at giving her praise, running her errands, etc.) Your aim is to let her know that YOU ARE NO LONGER HER SOURCE FOR NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY. (not yelling, only emphasising).

@FormerLatterClimber: thank you for your kind words. I've known quite a few borderlines and narcs in my day. I am stunned that your "momster" did that to you...I can't imagine the pain that's been inflicted on you. If I had to bet money, I'd say YOU were the scapegoat in that family. Betcha the violent brother was the golden child...am I right? Please take care of yourself and know that you don't deserve this. You really don't.

I agree if you have no choice but to interact with your mom, a detached manner is the way to go. Show her that she cannot get under your skin or make you feel guilty.

I was reading about No Contact/Restarining orders earlier today. I think as long as you have documentation showing the harrassment/abuse inflicted, it's not too much trouble to obtain one, but you never know.

We live in a sick world where the victims are vilified and the abusers are enabled. It's revolting.