I recently told my wife of my decision to longer attend church and that I don't believe anymore. I have pointed out numerous things of church history, BoA, etc. It has no effect other than now she sees JS as an even better man and respects him more for what he has gone through...Ughhh really come on! So we live about 2000 miles from Utah and her family. She keeps threatening to go back if things don't get worked out. Well I feel the conversations are wash, rinse, repeat. I feel I can only say so much, because if its church related, she says its belittling her or mocking the church. Today durng another conversation she decided to say I m going to Utah for sure now. (Over same topics). I feel like saying hit the road then. Is that bad. I hate to see the kids going through this. I want my wife to be happy, which in her mind the only fix is to go back to church, and thats not gonna happen. Any suggestions.

Would you be willing to suggest to her that you both see a counselor?

Yes that came up and we are going to one. Of course she will only see an LDS one. So hopefully it wont be two on one and she is friends with the counselor too. Thanks for the suggestion. :-)

I would make her compromise on this. Tell her you'll be willing to go to an LDS counselor, but not one that is friends with her. She HAS to understand that's a huge conflict of interest. Particularly with marriage counseling, you need to talk to someone who is neutral. I would press this - hard. And if she won't relent, I would bring it up with the counselor at the first meeting.

Good point. I will bring that up. She is the only mormon counselor in our area. Maybe she can recommend someone else.

I agree about seeing a no-mo counselor. That just made it worse for me and my now ex. You will not have compromise with an LDS counselor. The 11th article of faith has no meaning once you have accepted the church and God help you if you have gone through the Temple. Counselor is LDS, She is LDS = YOU are making BAD choices.

Go non-LDS for counseling. Remember her position on your non-belief gets reinforced every week in a myriad of ways by many trusted (in her view) individuals within the group.

Good luck. I really hope it works out. The church is true only when it comes to the destruction of families.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/22/2012 01:48PM by AmIDarkNow?.

IMO a Mormon counselor is a red flag but not sure failure. Many Mormons are very good at compartmentalizing their professional life from their religious life. Some Mormon counselors will definitely be a problem while some will not. They do have a toolbox of professional tools and training at their disposal.

I DEFINITELY would avoid a Family Services counselor - being an employee of the church is virtually guaranteed to be a failure. I've read stories where the Family Services counselor clearly knew they were giving bad advice from a professional standpoint but were required to do so because their employer is the church - probably not an issue for you not living in Utah.

The fact that your wife is friends with her is a huge problem though. Still she could potentially still be helpful if she is good at what she does. If you go in and feel you are gained up and then you know for sure it won't work.

The only real possible solution is to agree to disagree and respect each others' beliefs and not try to change each other.

This is based on personal experience. At this point clearly both of your walls are up so high that you aren't anywhere close to convincing each other and arguing and discussing it will only raise the walls higher.

On her side the real answer you need from her is does she want to be married to you despite that you will never be her Peter Priesthood? This is not a trivial question to answer and for different women the answer is different. For Mormon's, women are taught that their husbands are supposed to fulfill a very specific role. That role has died - does she want to stay married to you despite that role being gone. Also she has been grieving the loss of that role and what it means in her life - so can she get past that grieving enough to move forward with the relationship? Can you be patient enough to give her some time to grieve - it doesn't sound like it has been very long yet.

On your side you need to decide if you can live with your wife continuing to believe. Expect that she always will. Can you respect that and respect her for it? Can you live with the fact that you will never be her top priority - god & church will be first?

If the answer is yes on both side then you have to drop the subject, work around it and focus on the rest of your relationship. Focus entirely on making her feel loved if you want it to work.

I like some of the stuff written by John Gottman - the guy knows what he is talking about and has done probably the most extensive research out their on marital success. One key thing he found is that virtually ALL long term successful marriages have at least a couple major issues that there is no workable compromise for. The successful couples just learn to accept that is the case and learn to work around those issues and minimize the friction in the relationship. That's probably the key.

It's a tough road we're 14 months into it and have discussed divorce more than once. There have been ups and downs where it works great and then relapses - a bit of a roller coaster ride. Right now things are going quite well, but I'm sure there will be more ups and downs.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/22/2012 01:18PM by bc.

DAMN!

I'm afraid I might be going through the same thing at some point.

DW is NOMISH, I didn't think NOM was a possible concept. But, DW has proven it to be so.

She see's us going back, she wants to go back. She misses it in her life. She feels something is missing.

Me, not quite. I've gone down the rabbit-hole. I've seen the skeletons in the closet.

I hate how much control the tscc has on the minds of their subjects. I really do see the brainwashing now. I didn't before, but now I completely see it. Unfortunately some people who are so programmed can't see it. And, there's nothing you can do. They have to do it.

Right now me and DW have only been married for about 3 months, we dated 6 years. But, i know the conversations are coming, I know the family pressure is coming.

Its like a storm that can't be avoided. You have to hold-fast, buckle down and let it hit you and see whats left after.

I feel for you buddy, all you can do is be the best you can be. The tscc really does break up families as much as it might bring them together. But, it only brings them together under a specific context. Not, simply out of love, life and friendship.

Best of luck!

Your wife is behaving like a child who threatens to pick up her marbles and go home.

It's also a power play - the person who is willing to walk out of a deal has the upper hand.

You can't live your life this way. Get your finacial ducks in a row and talk to an attorney.
If counseling fails you will have to call her bluff.

But be sure to point out to her what life will be like for a divorcee with kids in Utah.

My suggestion? Stop talking about the church or your beliefs. Put it on the back burner and accept each other: "as is" and let that part go. You know she is not interested in our opinions and wants to use them against you.

Find a compromise in the interest in the children having two parents in the same house. Make the 11th Article of Faith something that is lived in the home.

11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them dworship how, where, or what they may.

This is expected of her, and she probably knows it.


Make the marriage and parenthood much more important than a difference of opinion about religious beliefs.

Laugh and have fun ! Make life enjoyable!

That is how I do it.