I'm extremely sorry for the way I acted & reacted yesterday. The things I said were in reaction to things said which acted like triggers for me.

My entire life, whenever something has gone wrong in my life, I've been blamed, and/or have been told that I'm the one with the problem, that I'm the one who needs to change. My parents think I'm mentally ill, & have been telling me so for 25 years. They let everyone think I have personality problems to cover up the fact that my father is an abusive asshole. When my younger brother started beating me & my younger sister, my mom told us that we needed to be nicer to him. He beat us up so badly shortly before he went on his mission, that we could have had him arrested. My mom pleaded, 'You would ruin his life if you did that.' While I was in school, everyone told me that I just needed to stop being 'a crybaby', whenever other students were bullying me. I was even emotionally & mentally abused by my 5th grade teacher, who one day told me that people hated me because I wanted them to hate me; that it was all my fault. However, as an adult, I'm still being told that it's all my fault, if my parents hate me, if my extended family shuns me, if I show any sort of emotion, & even if people out on the street bully me. & I'm not going to get started about the bullshit regarding the cult.

On an even more serious matter, my older sister is schizoprenic. (I have nothing to do with her because she is a drug addict, alcoholic, & is also addicted to evangelical Christianity.) Mental illness runs in my family. Because my dad has been telling me that I'm mentally ill, if anyone says that I might have any problems, even if they're temporary, it really hurts me, because I worry that mental illness might be something I'll never be able to escape. The worst part is that in my family, mental illness is seen as something you bring on yourself. I'm scared that if something is wrong with me, my father will be vindicated in his mental abuse of telling me I'm mentally ill.

Of course, I know that I have some severe faults that I need to work on. I'm already doing some of that on my own, & I do know that I need to be in therapy. I'm just not in a situation where I can do that right now, & it's not just a monetary problem.

Again, I'm very sorry.

You've been active here and have had some shit to deal with.

I hope you get some counseling help somewhere.

While everyone here can give you support and ((hugs))...imo, I think you need REAL help where you can talk to someone, get and give feedback.


Good luck..

I meant to mention that. I'm probably the most supportive of those sciences & practices of anyone I know.

I have my own copy of 'Toxic Parents' that I've been annotating with my own notes. It helps a good deal, but I know I need to be in regular therapy, & I hope that I can do that sooner rather than later.

Glad to hear it..Good Luck..

We all blow gaskets every now and again. It happens.

I always feel so detatched typing my sympathy over a forum, but I hope you know that we care about you and are sorry for the crap you've been through.

Good luck in your journey. We're rooting for you!
-Rob

It helps to have an insider who you can talk to about the problems. If not someone in the family . . . maybe someone who knows the family well and realizes how messed up it is?

Having a sympathetic witness of the abuse can be very healing. Someone who says "Yeah, that was really weird . . . it's not you."

Maybe a local support group of people trying to understand what happened (or is happening) to them.

I really like the author Patricia Evans. She specialize in abuse and has several books about it and how to respond to it.

Telling someone they are crazy IS a form of control/abuse. Maybe the worst kind of abuse. Invalidating someone's pain or emotional hurt IS abuse. Hitting someone IS abuse.

You had a sick, sick family. I hope you avoid them like the plague.

I'm concerned about you. I would like to see you find and get what you need to be ok.

While you're working that out, you have us. Probably not what you need the most, but at least you have someplace to go vent.

I'm sending good thoughts your way. I hope you find the help and support you need to get away from the abusers in your life.

Oh, sweetheart, you are on my mind. Often.
I don't know you, but I sooo do. If you can find a therapist through hhs or your community center, I encourage you to do so. Depression is an insidious entity. It causes one to simultaneously reach for help and then push, push, push it away. There are people who care about you. There are people who love, no matter what. I hope you can find some peace, my dear.
You deserve it, as do we all.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/27/2012 01:57AM by ambivalent exmo.

I was blamed whenever my older brother beat me up. My parents said I was supposed to keep away from my brother, yet we lived in the same house, and my mother left me home alone with him most afternoons, while she was at Relief Society, luncheon club, or the country club. I was not allowed to leave the house. If I stood up to my brother, and hit or kicked him, I was given a spanking by my father. My brother was a giant, and 6 years older--and my parents thought I was lying? That I would deliberately provoke him, and risk serious injuries? How stupid people are when they are in denial.

Your parents are "gas-lighting" you. Most of us here on RFM have had that done to us, in regard to the church. We are made to feel that WE are the crazy ones for not believing the church is true, and that the majority of our family members who believe are the sane ones. It is quite the opposite! The cult is crazy-making. What I mean is, that it makes you believe you are crazy, and it makes you act crazy sometimes, too.

You need a therapist who will tell you the truth!!!! I am betting on you, and I'm pretty sure a therapist would diagnose you as sane, and your family as crazy, dysfunctional, and abusive. My family was all of that, and it seems obvious now, but I had to hire a psychiatrist to tell me. I thought I was simply depressed. My mother said I was "feeling sorry for myself." I actually have PTSD from all the abuse.

Still, my parents, like so many other TBM parents, believe that mental illness is brought on by the person's own SINS. Mormons in my parents' generation believed that psychology was a bunch of nonsense. We know they are wrong!

It sucks. I am so sorry. (((hugs to you)))

I don't think you are mentally ill. But even if you are, it is NOT your fault. I do think you should talk to a counselor (mot a TBM one) about your family because it is very disfunctional. There is no shame in either having a mental illness or seeing a counselor. When you need help, you just do. GOOD LUCK and HUGS!!

They are putting their issues on you.

I hope you find what you need.

It's a rough road out. We don't fault you. Many of us come here to vent and express how we feel. Keep posting. Apology not needed.

I will let you know. No worries :) Just take it day by day and hold on.

When I finally refused to be everyone's support system while they went out and did whatever they wanted, consequences be damned, I was told by 3 close friends that I was psycho (exact word).

Guess what - all three of them were the ones with the problems - one has been recently diagnosed as BPD, the other is in a home, and the third is living in his mom's basement.

And yes, I now have more stable friends who value me. So hang in there, it's a common form of abuse to tell someone you want to control that they're crazy. Look up gaslighting for more info on it.

I think most of us who have seen your posts understand you're going through a lot, and would interpret any frustrated behavior through that lens. I didn't see the post you're talking about, but if I had, I'd understand that blowing steam is a result of things you're going through. {{{hugs}}}

Sounds like you have become a "social whipping girl". From what you say, this started with your abusive family.

Some families have so much anger that they dump it on the most convenient outlet. Some families own a dog, and dump all their crap on the poor critter. But some will pick a child, and dump all their power games on that child.

The larger problem is, this emotional toxicity harms the child. The child obviously loses self esteem, and confidence. The child will learn to distrust other people and will become "withdrawn", socially. The child may become depressed.

Other people with anger problems will sense the weakness in the child, and will be attracted to bullying the child. Then the whole community will form an opinion about the child, and everyone will consciously or unconsciously agree that there is something wrong with the child, and will be quick to disapprove of the child's behaviors. Groupthink takes over, and the child becomes selected as a loser.

This happens a lot in human society.

It's a very sick syndrome, but it happens. It happened to me as a child.

The only reason I am still alive, is because I rejected the groupthink. I was forced to reject my family's rejection, in the interest of my own survival. I became skeptical of the values of my wider community, because they did not seem to be supportive of my well-being.

I asserted my right to live and be who I chose to be, regardless of the opinions of others. And I chose to fight back when I could.

Sometimes a person has to say, *%^& them all, I have a right to live". I chose self-assertion over suicide. I chose to do what I want, and become who I wished to be, in spite of all the haters. Even tho no one else believed in me, I believed in myself. And even tho my progress has been slow at times, and I have had to deal with many personal handicaps, I never gave up.

I'm still at it. It's my life, and all the naysayers can take a flyin' leap at the moon.

I learned I am responsible for my own happiness. I don't live in or thru the opinions and actions of others. I am self-directed.

The best revenge is to live well, tristan. Only you can design and accomplish the real tristan. Do not give ANYONE the power to emotionally abuse you. It takes work, but you can learn to take your own power, and cut off the haters in their tracks.

You don't need to be sorry for being yourself, tristan. You are good as you are, and you will be even better every day. But you have to shed the crap that others are trying to put on you. It belongs to them, not to you. Do not accept their little "gifts" of hate. Grow your own love, you've got a love factory right in the middle of your chest, and offer the whole world that love. If others are unable to accept your love, that's their problem. Keep loving anyway.

And don't be afraid to take action, and make needed changes in your life and environment. There's always something you can do, to improve your situation. Never give up!

The above is offered in love, by a beat-up old dude. :)

I think you're wonderfully honest and very truthful. Not many people own up to things like you have. Keep expressing yourself as much as possible, it's the best therapy in the world. I read so much pain, disgust and dis-belief on this board and frankly, there's good reason for it. We have been lied to and deceived. So just know I don't judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. I look forward to your posts and find you helpful and incredibly humble.

Go ahead and BLOW AWAY!!

No need to apologize as far as I'm concerned, but please listen to Mia. We exmos need often need help to repair the damage of Mormonism. Please seek that help, and win the fight. You can do it.

You needn't apologize. You aren 't the only one coming here to vent and this is a safe place to do that. Imagine all the people you help who feel just like you but don't have the courage or the writing talent to express it.

The answers to your post help them, too. I am absolutely sure of this because occasionally people email me and thank me for a post which was written for someone else entirely, so the lurkers are all benefiting.

You have as much right to take up space as anyone, as much right to be here and give your feelings and opinions, as well as give them. You are your low moments just as you are your high moments and no one here has to pretend to have all the answers or be together all the time or be "recovered."

I have several children with mental illness and I rather think we are all on that mental health spectrum somewhere, sometimes swinging over to "full on crazy" when shit happens, and then back to pretty well adjusted when the chaos is over.

Another thought that helps me endure what I'm going through right now (suicidal son in rehab, mental daughter with impaired judgment, other daughter not speaking to me joining oldest son in shunning me...) is that I am the only expert on me and I'm exactly where I should be.

So no need to apologize, but do keep us posted on your situation.

Best

Anagrammy